Recently a Young Adult Unitarian Universalist I know asked me “I know Love is at the center of our faith but how the hell am I supposed to love my oppressor?!” This is such a good question. As we embark on a new year with the knowledge a genocide is happening on one hand and constant consumer messaging on the other, how do we center Love?

To be clear, there are as many different kinds of love as there are grains of sand on a beach. Family love, friend love, partner love, pet love, etc. But when we talk about Love being at the center of our faith, the most relevant love is called Agape Love. Agape Love is known for its qualities of empathy and sacrifice. It wants the best for everyone and is intended for everyone. In the Christian faith, from which both Unitarianism and Universalism was born, it is the love God extends to us and the reciprocal love we extend to God. That love includes all things and all people. It is a covenant of unending care.

What Agape Love is not is absolution. It does not mean that we do not hold each other accountable for wrongs. It does not mean we do not name a genocide as a genocide. It does not even mean we have to like one another. We can go so far as to hate someone and still find Agape Love for them. This is because even in our hatred we still must see the humanity in the other person. Even if they have acted in inhumane ways, Agape Love, our UU Love, calls us to uphold their worth and dignity as we hold them accountable for the terrors they have committed. See the difference there, we can hold people accountable and uphold their humanity. We can Love them.

So after I got through that mini sermon, of course this UU had more to say! Here’s a replay of the rest of our conversation:

young adult: So I can tell them I love them even if I hate them…that seems hypocritical.

me: Why are you even talking to them if you hate them?!! If they’ve done something so terrible to you, why are you allowing them into your life?

young adult:  Well you just said I have to affirm their humanity, don’t I have to engage with them to do that?

me: Goddess no! Agape Love says that you affirm their humanity, it doesn’t say that you are solely responsible for that.

young adult: So I can hate them and love them, just from a distance?

me: Yes, set a boundary. Make sure that their access to you is exactly as much or as little or as none as you want. There is no need to take care of your oppressor or abuser. Agape love means that when they are held accountable for their actions, it is done by someone else and it done while keeping their humanity intact.

young adult: Well what about revenge, what if I want them to suffer?

me: Ah, that’s really getting to the crux of it all isn’t it? It’s not about not wanting to love them or not. It’s that we want them to feel what we felt, suffer the way we’ve suffered. And we know that if we’re called to Love them, we can’t allow them to suffer. Even if we have. Even if we have at their hands. That’s really what this conversation is about isn’t it?

young adult: Well, yeah.

me: Will their suffering heal you? Will it make the world a better place? Will it in any way change what happened in the past?

young adult: No but…is this like the time you told me that hate is like drinking poison hoping that the other person will die?

me: Do you think it’s like that?

young adult: Hmmm, maybe. I’m gonna have to think about it.

me: Absolutely, that’s part of our faith too! And if you can, please let me know what you come up with because that’s how I learn and grow as a Unitarian Universalist too.

So beloveds, there it is. Let me know what you think so we can learn and grow together.

What does it mean to center the value of love?

Hank
CLF member, incarcerated in LA

Through my eyes, I see all humans with equal vision, regardless of diverse qualities, color, gender, and belief — this is what love looks like to me. Through my senses, I perceive all as one and the same, directed by cosmic order, consciousness, self, God or Guru, which are all synonymous — this is what love feels like to me.

Through my ears I hear and hold no judgment, condemnation, ridicule, or punishments for whatever is said — this is God, through me, in me at all times. Love is God, and God is love: not separate from me, and never forsaking me, for me are one and therefore I am.

Donald
CLF member, incarcerated in CO

Love is a simple yet complex emotion for us to truly describe. However, we seem to know it when we feel it. Problems arise when we grasp at, try to control or desire love. Problems also happen when we reject or do not reciprocate love.

Love is at its best when we just allow it to be, and in turn, when we just “be” in it. Love exists outside of us, sometimes with, sometimes without us. We are not necessary for love, but love is a necessity for us.

What is Love?

Ryan
CLF Member, incarcerated in FL

L-O-V-E. Probably one of the most misunderstood words in the English language. Mostly due to the fact we only have one word for it. The Greeks however have multiple words to describe different types love. Here are four of them:

Eros, the easiest, is physical love. This is where we get words like erotic. It’s the love of how things look/feel/smell/taste or any other physical property. This might be an initial feeling towards someone we’re attracted to.

Philia is brotherly love. Think of philanthropy, coming together to raise money for a cause. This describes the love towards friends, co-workers and even humanity as a whole.

Storge is familial love. Not a common root word in the English language, but this is the love one typically feels towards parents, children, siblings or cousins.

The most powerful form of love is agape, or unconditional love that continues despite and perhaps even due to our flaws.

This is sometimes the hardest to achieve because as humans we put conditions on so much, usually unconsciously. This is what we as UUs strive for, especially in our acceptance of the LGBTQ+ and incarcerated members. This is the love to strive for.

What about your love?

Elaine
CLF member, incarcerated in AR

Desperate and alone, this trans heart has been,
forever seeking its needs in places bereft of such things.
Trying to make due with what’s at hand,
knowing its needs would never be met.

Dark and tainted this trans heart has been,
always ignored and forgotten in a world so cold.
Always being refused and abused,
rarely has it known the warmth and light of real love.

Hated and jaded this trans heart has been,
just for refusing to adhere to the world’s ignorance and lies.
Never rewarded for standing true to itself,
but always cast aside, unwanted by others.

Begging and pleading, this trans heart implores you,
those who have the capacity for love and caring.
Don’t let others rule who and how you should be,
let you heart judge; it knows the deepest truths.

Danny
CLF member, incarcerated in CA

Drops of water fall
Onto sidewalks and raincoats
Gloomy clouds stretch on
Shifting winds and sunshine say,
“This will not be forever.”