Over ten years ago I was a member of a congregation. It was at a time in my life when things were pretty tough. I was in school and working 3 part time jobs. I had a toddler at home and was going to school on the weekends to get a masters degree. My then spouse worked too, but didn’t make much money. We were getting by but life wasn’t easy, and things often felt bleak and overwhelming. I started going to a local UU church because a friend invited me. It became this incredible bright spot in my week. On Sunday morning I could go to this place and just sit and listen and sing and feel so deeply nourished. My son was so happy in the nursery there, and it was the only time every week that I got that was kind of just for me. I loved talking with the other congregants and felt so at home. I joined enthusiastically and felt like, after being raised evangelical and hating every second of that, I’d finally found a safe and nurturing spiritual home.

Shortly after joining, I had a conversation with another congregant who was working on pledges. I was asked what I could give and I explained our financial situation. We were so broke. I said that we couldn’t pledge anything until I was out of school, but that I wanted to become more financially supportive then, when I had a good job. (We had maybe five bucks a week that wasn’t going to essentials like food, rent, gas, etc.) I was told that a zero pledge would exclude me from membership, even though I’d already become a member. They suggested I could remain a member if I volunteered my time, of which I also had none. I mentioned time was also at a premium, but that I did want to give back when the season of my life changed. They reminded me I often bring my son to the nursery, and that doing so was using resources, and that being in a community means not just taking. If I wanted to be part of the community, I couldn’t just give nothing. I felt ashamed, feeling like I was a burden on the community I had been so enjoying and loving, and heartbroken that I couldn’t afford to be a member. I assumed that because I couldn’t pledge or volunteer I was no longer considered a member and I stopped going.

All these years later, I’m divorced and end up dating a UU minister. I mentioned to him that I used to be a UU but had to leave when I couldn’t afford it anymore. He was very sorry to hear about my experience and said that it isn’t or at least shouldn’t (according to his values, I guess) be the case that someone loses membership due to hardship.

I’m struggling, now, with what to do with this. I’ve been to gatherings with him and his colleagues and they all seem very pleasant, but I feel this lingering sense of hurt and sadness. They often talk about UU values of being welcoming, and my experience was anything but. I feel like I got rejected from the group that ends up being the home to so many people who don’t always fit in elsewhere. I’ve asked him if I would be welcome back. He told me that the only person who knows if I’m a UU is me, in my heart. But I guess, for me, the question now is not about whether I believe the 7 principles. I just want to know if I’d be welcome in community, if that makes sense, even if, at one time, I was a drain on a congregation.