I have been seriously pissed off since the news of the attempted rape by the current nominee for the Supreme Court.  Why am I not surprised that the “groper in chief” would nominate another privileged and entitled white male who thinks the world and women were created for his use and pleasure?   Class and race issues abound here as well.  Our prisons are full of poor people and people of color who made a mistake when they were young, but this dude is unlikely to be held even marginally accountable.  Punk he was then and punk he still is.

Anger and stress are not necessarily great for staying on program, but last night we learned about “eustress” a stress that is experienced as beneficial, for example a challenge that can invigorate an person to engage in meeting and overcoming an obstacle.  For a problem to generate eustress, there needs, I think, to be some sense that we have the power within us to meet the challenge.  This is why the phrases, “you’ve got this” and “you can do it” are so helpful in support groups and frankly, in parenting.  No one makes progress when they are in despair.  I am sticking to the program, and to the Resistance, simply because I have to do so.   Keeping hope alive is an essential part of living well and fully.

There was a bump in the road this week when I read the following article:

Everything you know about obesity is wrong. 

So much was excellent about the article.

The comments about the medical profession rang true:

“Ask almost any fat person about her interactions with the health care system and you will hear a story, sometimes three,…. rolled eyes, skeptical questions, treatments denied or delayed or revoked. Doctors are supposed to be trusted authorities, a patient’s primary gateway to healing. But for fat people, they are a source of unique and persistent trauma. No matter what you go in for or how much you’re hurting, the first thing you will be told is that it would all get better if you could just put down the Cheetos.”

And that may be all you are told.  If you are fat, your actual medical condition which may need immediate treatment, is often overlooked and dismissed.  It has happened to me.

The article also did a good job of describing the harmful impacts of fat shaming.

“Paradoxically, as the number of larger Americans has risen, the biases against them have become more severe. More than 40 percent of Americans classified as obese now say they experience stigma on a daily basis, a rate far higher than any other minority group.”

The part that threw me off for awhile, however, was this:

“For 60 years, doctors and researchers have known two things that could have improved, or even saved, millions of lives. The first is that diets do not work. Not just paleo or Atkins or Weight Watchers or Goop, but all diets. Since 1959, research has shown that 95 to 98 percent of attempts to lose weight fail and that two-thirds of dieters gain back more than they lost. The reasons are biological and irreversible. As early as 1969, research showed that losing just 3 percent of your body weight resulted in a 17 percent slowdown in your metabolism—a body-wide starvation response that blasts you with hunger hormones and drops your internal temperature until you rise back to your highest weight. Keeping weight off means fighting your body’s energy-regulation system and battling hunger all day, every day, for the rest of your life.”

This isn’t something I wanted to hear while I am in the middle of a weight management program that seems to be working.  I really question the statistics in the highlighted sentence, however, especially since no reference was given and I could not find that statistic on-line.  The last sentence also doesn’t ring true.  I have not felt hunger while on this program, cravings for certain foods, yes, but not actual hunger.  I really don’t expect to be battling hunger for the rest of my life.  Paying attention, yes, being careful about what and how much I eat, yes, prioritizing exercise, yes, but I am now seeing significant improvements in my health as a result of the weight I have already lost.  That is a incredible motivator as is the awesome support of the other members of my group.

And this week I made another milestone – over 50 pounds down!  I can see the changes when I look in the mirror, but even better, I can feel the changes when I need to climb some stairs.

May 16                                                                                      September 19

(My stats for the last week – down  3.1 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 310 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 51.8 pounds.)

I was very moved a few days ago by an article published on-line by my denomination.  You can read it (Here).  The series of short articles is called Braver/Wiser:    “Life is full of hard edges and complicated choices. Braver/Wiser gives you weekly messages of courage and compassion for life as it is. Every Wednesday we deliver an original written reflection by a contemporary religious leader, and brief prayer, grounded in Unitarian Universalism.”  How we need both courage and compassion in these times! In the relatively near future, I will be honored by having some words of my own included.

But, oh my! The Reverend Misha Sanders in her article reports an elderly woman, a stranger, saying to her in a store, “You have beautiful hair. If you slim down, Honey, you’ll have to fight off the men.”  I’ll let you read the article to find out how she responded, but it made me cry.  Read it please.

Her article also made me reflect on some of my own way of being in the world.

Some straight women say they want to be thin in order to be more attractive to men. This objectifies the female body in unhealthy ways, and if a fat women becomes thin and “finds a man” she will always wonder if he would have loved her if she had stayed fat.  God, I hate that idea.  Fat people are every bit as lovable as thin ones, and to deny that fact is part of the patriarchal rape culture.  In that culture, men see women as created for their pleasure, to use, so they can just be “boys being boys.”  So many of my sisters are filled with rage right now as rape is being defended by Rebublicans so desperate to control the Supreme Court that they don’t mind adding (another) sexual predator to that lofty bench.

That rage is almost all-consuming as I listen to as much of the hearings as I can stand.  But I am going to try to think of something else for a moment.  I have never been a serial dieter.  I can laugh that I lost the same 20 pounds twice, but others I know have done the yo-yo thing their whole lives.  I never wanted to be thinner in order to attract men, because, as a lesbian, my sense of other women is that they are attracted to the spirit of the person, the personality, not just the surface appearance.  I certainly did not want men, “fighting over me.”  Why does that phrase remind me of dogs fighting over a bone?  Bones have no agency.  Meat.  It is a frightening and disgusting concept that a woman would want that.

I obviously can’t change the subject today.  I can’t even think, because, yes, #metoo, and all survivors are triggered by what is happening.  I am stunned, but not surprised, by the callousness of the old white men sitting in judgement today, not really caring.  And I am awed by the courage of a woman brave enough to speak the truth.

(My stats for the last week – down  1.2 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 330 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 53 pounds.)

I remember this feeling

Tightness in my chest

Fists clenching

Panicked tears.

The day my father was baptized

Was the day I stopped

Attending church.

It took me 30 years

To go back.

They knew what he was like

But it did not matter

I did not matter

They never asked me

They never cared enough.

Another drunken abuser

Is about to stagger into more power

Where he will no doubt

Abuse us all.

Where is our sacrament?

Where is our blessing?

Where is the salvation,

For the victims,

For the survivors?

I tell you this:

I am no longer a child

I know the truth

I will remember

And I will not forgive.

My rage is holy now.

This last week, I ate out for the first time in almost 6 months.  Twice!  It is the facilitator’s fault.  She passed out menus from fast food restaurants last week and asked us to try and find healthy choices.  I did better, I think, with Thai food (chicken/cabbage/red curry) and the grilled kanpachi with veggies I had at a decent fish restaurant.

I forgot to take a picture of my actual meal, but it was pretty much like the above, except the cauliflower was roasted not creamed.  I did have the chimichurri sauce which had olive oil. It is impossible to figure out the actual calories when you eat out, but I did try and be smart about it.  No rice or bread, and I avoided heavy sauces.

I think I stayed within my calorie budget, but I only lost .3 pounds last week.  That is OK.     Any loss is better than a gain, which is kind of the opposite of the rest of life.

We did nutrition this week in class, macro mainly, carbs, fat and protein.  I have been watching my carbs for years, to keep my blood sugar from spiking, so that is routine for me by now.  We need carbohydrates of course, and I am trying to get most of mine from the complex range, vegetables and a few whole grains.  Life is complex, but white bread and potatoes not so much.    I yearn sometimes for a simpler life, but it is not what my body needs when it comes to food.

I am also starting to thinking about going completely off the Optimist products.  (They recommend using 3 a day for the rest of our live!) I hate Nestle, the evil corporation that makes it, and the products are far from healthy natural food.  I think I can do better with snacks of string cheese, hard boiled eggs, fruit, veggies and other brands of protein bars in a pinch.  I am still in the thinking stage on that, but I have never been one for eating a lot of processed or packaged foods.  The Optifast products are definitely in that category.

This week has been hard emotionally. I have been very triggered by the US Supreme Court nominee and the Republican defense of sexual assault. I wrote the following poem this morning.

A Holy Rage

May all our rage be Holy. May we do what is good for ourselves and for each other.  May we be tender with the (so many) wounded among us.

(My stats for the last week – down  .3 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 300 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 53.3 pounds.)

Now that I have fully transitioned back onto real food, I am going to recycle this gross shaker.  It is not like I didn’t rinse it after each use and wash it with soap, but the residue from the shakes simply did not come out.   When I used the dishwater, the gunk got baked on.

I

It makes me wonder what the inside of my stomach looks like.  Kind of creepy, but the program worked, so I am not complaining.  I have lost a significant amount of weight and am primed to continue losing until I reach a weight that works for me and keeps me healthier.  The Kaiser recommendation is to continue to use 3 products a day for the rest of my life.  I have decided to ignore that.  Once I finish my last 3 shakes I am done. The shakes are too gross to me at this point and the bars, while handy in a pinch, don’t seem necessary for every day.  Costco also sells protein bars for half the cost of the Optimist products.  Eating every 3 hours or so makes sense to keep hunger at bay, but I think I can do that eating somewhat more natural food.  (Are low-fat mozzarella cheese sticks real food?  They are a handy protein though.  Hummus, fruit, all of those type of choices can work just fine.) I certainly don’t want to discourage others who might make different choices about the products, but this is what feels right to me.

This week I have been pondering how my body feels.  It is smaller.  I have more muscle and less fat.  I am stronger.  My skin even feels smoother.  My ankles are no longer swollen and the lipodermatosclerosis in my legs is way less painful. I can open the solar pool cover all by myself, something that wasn’t possible 2 months ago. I will need to buy some new clothes soon as most of my old ones are way too big.  I actually feel thin.  I am not thin, however, and anyone else, looking at me, would still see me as fat.  But I FEEL thin.  When I last worked for the federal government, there was a lot of talk about reinventing it.  We also talked about “right-sizing” rather than “down-sizing.”  I never understood the differences as we went through round after round of hiring freezes which caused service declines, but the term of “right-sizing” makes some sense in my current situation.  I want to get to a size and a weight that feels healthy.  If I feel good, I don’t really give a damn what other people think.  I am too old and have been through too much in my life to start worrying about other people’s opinions now.  We talked about goals this week in class. We got the always important reminder that we are the most important person in our lives and that we need to continuing prioritizing our own well-being if we want to be able to help others.  My motivation remains that of improving my health.

I took a class in seminary where we were assigned the task of doing a theological reflection about a core life issue.  We got extra points for tying the reflection to a scripture from a religious tradition of our choice.  Working on that assignment, I realized that the story of the prophet Jeremiah really spoke to me.  He was one of the dudes who kept speaking truth to power, calling the wealthy to help the poor, etc.  They kept throwing him down a well, but he never shut up.  Speaking the truth is important, even if those in power don’t listen and don’t care.  Even in the bottom of a well, you can create ripples that can change things several millennia down the road.   The walls of the wells that confine us will eventually crumble.  Speak your truth.  Never give up.  Rock on Jeremiah. Rock on Anita Hill.   Rock on Christine Blasey Ford.

(My stats for the last week – down 4.3 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for  330 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 57.6 pounds.)

Sermon Notes:

Read any good books lately?  I have one to recommend, but like any good book, it is important to read it with a questioning mind and an open heart.  What does a particular book tell me about my own life?  Are the characters and situations believable?  Most important, from a religious standpoint, is the message of the book uplifting?  Does it contain something that has at least the potential for making me a better person for having read it?

Jewish and Christian scripture, the Bible, is one of the six sources from which our living tradition of Unitarian Universalism is drawn.  There are references to Biblical stories everywhere in our culture, including in our music.  If we don’t understand those stories, we can be at a cultural disadvantage.

The right of individuals to interpret sacred scripture for themselves, whether that scripture is the Bible or Doctor Seuss, is fundamental to our Unitarian Universalist faith tradition.

Have you ever cried in church?  I have. Sometimes the tears are good, and in times of grief or disappointment, just letting them flow can be very healing. We cry when our hearts are touched, and we can cry when we feel like we have found a place to belong, where all of all we are is welcomed and embraced.  Rev. Marcus spoke about that a few weeks ago.

But people also cry in churches because their church is hurting them, telling them that they are somehow less than worthy, less than whole. They may be told that God doesn’t love them just as they are if they are gay.  They may also be told that they are less than worthy if they happen to be female. All that is in the Bible after all.

This morning we are going to try and unpack some common misunderstandings about the Bible. I hope you learn something new and I hope it might help you resist anyone who may be wounding your heart with their literal interpretations of scripture.  We are going to open up that good book and take another look and see if we can find the Gospel there.

The word Gospel comes from the Greek and means quite literally “good news.” It does not mean absolute fact, something that can’t be questioned.

If you study it, you will find that while the Bible may contain some good news, especially for the poor and oppressed, and much human wisdom, it is far from fact. It is not literal and to interpret that way is, dare I say it, fake news.

My Old Testament professor in seminary, a Franciscan priest, was fond of saying that the Bible is not history, it is not science, and it should never be used as a club.

The Bible, he said, is simply a collection of the stories of a particular people and their struggles to be in right relationship with the divine, with God. It is full of metaphor and full of inconsistencies.  It wasn’t written down all at one time; and God didn’t dictate it.

Biblical scholars, using modern methods, have determined that the bible is in fact a collection of many stories, most of which were originally oral traditions, and almost all of which were edited and changed over time.

And there is not just one Bible, a fact that many Biblical literalists don’t know.  The Hebrew Scriptures are a collection of 24 books. The Protestant Old Testament contains all the same books, but arranges them differently. The Roman Catholic Old Testament is larger than the Protestant version; containing 15 additional books. The Greek Orthodox Church includes even more, and the Ethiopian Church yet again more.

So, if someone tells you that they follow what is in the Bible, it would not be at all unreasonable to ask, “Which one?”

Most of those individual books have also been edited.  Some are clearly combinations of different earlier versions.

Scholars have determined that there were originally as many as five separate and distinct written versions of the material in the Torah that were combined at a later time.

Have you ever wondered why there are two versions of the creation story in Genesis?  Genesis one describes creation as happening in seven days and God creating both man and woman in his image at the same time.  It is in Genesis 2 that God takes a rib from Adam to create Eve.

From the story of the flood to the tales of Abraham and Sarah, from the parting of the Red Seas to the listing of the Ten Commandments, to the genealogy of Jesus, there are both repetitions and differences in what the Bible says.  So, if someone tells you they believe what the Bible says, after they tell you which version, you might want to ask, which part of that version?

You also might want to ask them, if they say the Bible is the literal truth, if they think men really have one less rib than women.  Did anyone else ever try to count their own ribs and those of an opposite gender friend or sibling?  I did. It was very confusing.  It also wasn’t particularly easy and I don’t remember even getting a firm number.

Pull out an anatomy textbook later, or ask your doctor if you still aren’t sure.  We aren’t going to engage in rib counting this morning here in church. If you want, I suppose you can do that later, in the privacy of your own homes.

It is also important to read the Bible from a historical perspective.  Human sacrifice was common in the ancient desert world.  First born sons were often sacrificed and sometimes murdered.

It was one of the plagues suffered by the Egyptians, and King Herod was said to have killed Jewish babies trying to murder the infant Jesus. If you read the story of Abraham and Isaac with that understanding, maybe the point wasn’t a test of Abraham’s obedience to God, but instead was a message that God values life. Don’t kill the children. Do justice, love mercy, and walk humbly with Divine.  Leave your arrogance behind.  That is the message I like to take from Scripture.

There is so much in the Bible, ancient as it is, that can have relevance for our modern lives. If you grew up in a large family, or if you have more than one child of your own, maybe you know about sibling rivalry. Starting with Cain and Abel, there are so many stories about this.  Joseph and his jealous brothers when he got a new coat, Jacob when he stole Esau’s inheritance, and the older brother who is hurt when the prodigal son returns and is celebrated.  Those stories can help illustrate the challenges of parenting.  How can we treat all of our children both fairly and as individuals?  It isn’t always simple.

There are also stories in the Bible of alcoholism and abuse.  Noah, of the ark fame, after the flood, was drunk and naked and his son Ham saw him and told his brothers.  For telling, Ham was cursed and exiled. So many secrets we are asked to keep, and when you have the courage to tell them it is a risk and we may be punished.

Ham is the hero for me in that story.  He told the truth and in fact was set free from that dysfunctional household.

Then there is the story of Judith.  It is in the Catholic Bible, but not in the modern Protestant or Jewish scriptures. Holofernes was an evil and abusive conqueror who brought Judith to his tent to rape her, but he passed out drunk first. Judith then took his sword and cut off his head.  I am not for capital punishment, but in those times, it was a fitting response to a drunk who wanted to commit sexual assault.  Today, we seem to make them Supreme Court justices instead.

I just mentioned that the Book of Judith is only in the Roman Catholic Bible.  There was much controversy in the early Christian church over what writings should be included.  There was a lot of very diverse material floating around as well as some very different oral traditions.

Some writings were lost for more than a thousand years, but scholars were aware of their existence because of historical records that made reference to them.

You may have heard of the Gospel of Thomas, The Gospel of Judas, and the Gospel of Mary, from which Anne read a portion earlier.  Often referred to as the Gnostic Gospels, they were discovered in 1945 in Egypt.

These writings reflect the incredible diversity of Christian belief in the earliest years.

So, when someone tells you women should be silent in church because it says that in the Bible, maybe you might want to quote from the Gospel of Mary where Levi calls Peter hot headed because he does not want to listen to Mary.

You might also ask them why Paul felt the need to tell women they should be quiet.  Most likely they were speaking up and he wanted to silence them.  Many men are still trying to silence women, especially those who are saying #metoo.

I haven’t gone into the whole issue of translations, but it is pretty clear that Jesus didn’t speak King James English.  He didn’t even speak Greek.  Anyone who speaks more than one language knows very well that translations are, at best, approximate.

When in a silly argument with someone who says that the Bible clearly condemns homosexuality, I like to quote Luke 17:34 from the King James Version, the favorite translation of conservative Christians.  The verse reads, literally:

“I tell you, in that night there shall be two men in one bed; the one shall be taken, and the other shall be left.”

Now, when you interpret that verse literally it is pretty clear that at least half of the gay people go to heaven, isn’t it?

I don’t suggest that you leave here today and go out and start arguments with biblical literalists. But if it interests you, do some reading about modern biblical scholarship.

But what I most want to leave you with today are some more questions.  What is yourholy text, and what good news does it contain?

Do you find meaning in scripture; Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist or perhaps another tradition?  Do you find it in poetry, in nature, in connections with other people?

Each of us must find our own truth.  We find it in our own lives and in the lives of others that we come to know.  We find it in the world around us.  It is also helpful to read, to study, and to learn what others believe to be true.

But in the end, we must each make our own peace with the meaning of our own lives, and our own peace with whatever we mean when we say the word God.

There is some gospel, some really good news, however. We don’t have to do any of this alone. There are other souls engaged in similar journeys.  Maybe we can learn from one another.  Maybe people can stop using sacred texts like the Bible to justify their own bias and bigotry.

Maybe other people can stop being afraid of what the Bible says and understand that it is not literal and is not meant to be a club to beat you about the head, but is instead a collection of stories told by people trying to understand their lives and the world they lived in.

Isn’t that what we all are trying to do?  Amen and Blessed Be.

I missed class this week because I was attending a gathering of UU Ministers at a local retreat center.  What a joy and a challenge it was! It is always a joy to gather with beloved friends and colleagues – those I have known for years and others that I just met this week.  The program was excellent and included a lot of prayerful singing – singing is something I don’t do well, but that doesn’t stop me from loving it.  I particularly enjoyed some of the conversations I had with the newer ministers and seminarians.  They hold the hope for the future, not only for our faith, but for the world.

No one understands a minister better than another minister.  While resting in the embrace of that mutual understanding, there were also challenges.  We are human and part of the larger culture and are not unaffected by the wider systems of power and privilege that bring such harm to those who are trying to survive on the margins.  I had to do my “Jeremiah” thing during a discussion of white supremacy where I witnessed a few “micro-aggressions.” It is so important to at least name those when they happen.

I am also realizing that I am completely out of patience with the “hurt feelings” of those who feel victimized when someone names the harm they have caused to others.  No one expects perfection.  If you blow it, when you make a mistake (and you will), apologize, and then SHUT THE F___ up and move on.  No one you have harmed wants to hear about how guilty you feel about it or how your intentions were pure.  Process those emotions with others who have similar identities to yours if you need to do so, but don’t redirect the attention of a larger group to your emotional distress.  Don’t make it about you.  This is work, very hard work indeed, that really needs to be done, again for our faith and for the world.  The blessing I felt is that everyone there at least wants to do the work, even we bumble and stumble along that journey toward justice making and beloved community where all are truly welcomed in the fullness of who they are.

The other challenge, for me at least, was the food.  (This is my weight management blog after all.)  The retreat center served very healthy, and mainly organic, food, so it was much easier than it might have been.  It was also super tasty.  I stressed some though, as I was not able to weigh or measure anything and I had to guess at the calories.  The lunches were vegetarian, so protein was harder to find and manage with no lean meat available.  It was also hard to pass by the awesome desserts and say to no to the social  hour wine.  I stayed strong on those last two, however, and next week’s weigh-in will tell me how well I did on estimating calories.  This was my Tuesday night dinner plate:

Baked chicken with pesto sauce, roasted cauliflower, and a smidgeon of salad.  The salads were all pre-dressed, so I was careful with them.  My guess was around 340 calories.

I am also thinking about taking the test in the next few weeks that will tell me about my metabolism – how many calories I burn just breathing.  Knowing that number will help me calculate with more precision just how many calories I should be eating each day. It is not good to go too low because too few calories can slow your metabolism permanently and make long term weight loss more difficult.  Too many calories, and you don’t lose any weight.  The program includes one free metabolism test, and subsequent ones cost $50.  The recommendation is to wait and do the test when your weight loss slows, but I want to do it before then.  If it turns out I need another one later, I can just pay for it.  Given the investment I am making already – in money, time, and attention, I am not going to quibble over an extra 50 bucks if it will help.

There are maybe a couple of weeks left of swim season, before we need to close the pool for the winter.  I hope to catch up on my exercise goals this week.

(My stats for the last week – down ? pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for  240 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 57.6 pounds.)

Halloween is coming and our kids came over to carve pumpkins last weekend.  They all live in apartments, so they left the jack-o-lanterns for us and our neighbors to enjoy.  It was the first time carving pumpkins for both of our sons’ girlfriends, as neither one was raised in the U.S.  They had fun – and it was fun seeing the fun they had.  This is what sharing different cultures should be like – fun.  Where did we learn the fear that so many display toward immigrants?  It has always been here I know, but I hate it.

Last night, before class, a few of us got into a conversation about choice and abortion.  A class member said he protested outside the Planned Parenthood offices every month, because he did not believe in abortion.  I told him that I had friends who served as escorts at other clinics where the demonstrators were aggressive and sometimes violent. I mentioned the shootings at the clinic in Colorado, and the doctor (George Tiller) who was murdered while attending church. My friend said his group wasn’t violent and I said good, and I asked him if he was also against the death penalty.  What I did not say, and would have said if I had thought quickly enough, is that is safe abortions are not available, women and girls will die, because they will take whatever desperate steps they think are necessary, with quacks, coat hangers and poison.  I am old enough to remember what it was like before Roe vs Wade.  I don’t want to return to those days.  Life is more important.  Comprehensive sexuality education and free and easy access to birth control are the solutions if you want to reduce abortions.  Abortions rates (and teen pregnancies) are proven to decline in places where those are available.  The conversation was a cultural exchange, not as fun as the Halloween pumpkin carving, but not violent or hostile either.  On a day when public figures and news organizations were the target of terrorist bombs, it was refreshing to just talk and exchange opinions respectfully.

Words matter. Our class topic included the negative self talk that is part of struggling to lose weight.  It is hard to stay positive, to lift up hope in such scary times, but I do believe it is the only way we will survive.

The scale surprised me this week because I had a small weight loss despite the fact that I was prepared for a gain.  It seems like I did fine at the retreat and at the dinner out we had with the kids.  (Thai food works, or at least Chicken Ka Prow worked).  I also signed up to have the test that will measure my resting metabolism rate. (RMR – the calories a body burns just existing.)  Knowing this number, which is different for everyone, should help me calculate more precisely how many calories I should consume in order to continue to lose weight without kicking my metabolism into starvation mode.  I’ll let you know how it goes in a couple of weeks after I get the test done.  I will need to do the test later as well, because the RMR number goes down as weight goes down.  More facts, more data.  I can’t get enough of either.  Oh and more love, more hope, more courage; I can always use those too.  Be well.

(My stats for the last week – down 1.7 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for  240 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 59.3 pounds.)

Photo by Hakan Erenler on Pexels.com

How many candles do we need to light?

Will there be enough wax

To hold the slender wicks of all our prayers?

How many tears do we need to shed

To cause the ocean to overflow

With the torrents of our grief?

I want to light a candle

For every single soul

For the children

For the elders

For all those at risk

For all those who are targeted

For who they are

Or what they believe

I want to light a candle

For all those who have not survived

Can our candles burn any brighter

With their fierce and furious love?

Can the molten wax we create

Burn through a world of hate

Of greed and blatant disregard

Of all that makes life holy?

Our prayers can flow like lava

Erupting through the darkening sky

Angel wings can beat within our hearts

Soaring high in the warming air.

So many candles of love we have

Lit by an eternal flame.

Sunset.  It is almost sunset for our group – at least as it has been configured for the last 28 weeks. Actually 29 weeks.  I started counting weeks on this blog from the week we started meal replacements, not the week we started in the group.  So next week will be the end of the 30  week “intensive phase” of the program.  We will start in “lifestyles” which will be more weekly meetings that we can continue attending as long as we want.  Forever might be good.  It might take that long to really get committed to healthier eating in the long haul.  I still have quite a bit of weight to lose, so it will be more than just “maintaining” for me.  61 pounds is nothing to sneeze at, however, and I am proud of myself.

Endings are almost always bittersweet. It does feel good to have finished something, but we will be leaving our awesome facilitator behind.  I hope the new one has a good sense of humor too.  She will need it; we are pretty rowdy.  A few people in our group will be going to other lifestyles groups, ones closer to their homes or on nights that will be easier for them.  I will miss them fiercly as well.  Most of us will stay together though, a very good thing.  I love our group!

It was a small group last night, only 8 of us plus our facilitator.  A few people were traveling and others were spending Halloween with their kids.  Quite a few of us wore costumes, which was fun.  The topic was alcohol use, especially around the upcoming holidays.  I haven’t had a drink since April when I started the program, and my intention is to wait until I get to my maintenance weight before having even one of my beloved martinis.

Alcohol involves more risks to weight loss than the obvious ones of calories and lowered inhibitions.  I learned last night that it is important to eat some protein before drinking, because otherwise the body digests the alcohol as a priority and anything else will go directly to fat production.  Who knew?  My friend Brian must have been onto something with his blue cheese stuffed olives.  I could maybe try a pepperoni stick as a garnish.  Just kidding, but the protein idea was a good tip.

The holidays are coming, and I am cooking Thanksgiving dinner again this year.  It will be a smaller one, just the kids and their partners, but I am going to try some healthier side dishes this year.  Turkey is an awesome low fat protein if you don’t drown it in gravy.

I am still losing a pound or so each week – which shocks me in some ways.   I am also not feeling hungry, except right before meal time.  Having 3 small snacks in addition to 3 somewhat larger meals, seems to be working.

It has been another hard week in the world and I don’t have the emotional energy right now to write about all the horror this week.  I wrote this poem earlier after attending a vigil.  But please vote and please vote for Democrats.  Lives are at stake, so many lives, so many precious lives.

(My stats for the last week – 1.7 down  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 390 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 61 pounds.)

They shared the “before and after” pictures with us last night.

I am not done, but you can really see the difference. What you can’t see is how much better I feel.

Our last meeting last night was simply hilarious, as well as moving.  We’d written a song for our facilitator, whose name is Joanna, and we gave her a gift after we sang it.  To the tune of Oh Susanna:

“Oh, Joanna, oh don’t you cry for us. We’re off upstairs to lifestyles, our new group for to meet. A protein bar is in our mouth, a tear is in our eye, we’ll stay your cohort two seven, Joanna don’t you cry.”

She was totally blown away not the least by the fact that she had also written us a song TO EXACTLY THE SAME TUNE! Serendipity? Traveling along on the same wavelength for 30 weeks?  A miracle?

Her song was amazing, with a verse about each person in the class, which I must say, nailed us each quite precisely.

The chorus was “Twenty Seven, Our cohort lost the fat. Smart skills, waters, logging cals, We’ve got the skills done pat.”

My favorite was the last one, “xx kept us very in the know on making habits stick, when faced with hard decisions, for God’s sake don’t be a dick.”  It was one of his more famous lines during check it.  We were all practically on the floor laughing.

I loved my verse too:

“Our group was helmed by Theresa, Reverend mom to all, her sage advice was cherished, she throws veggies at the wall.”  The veggies at the wall line also referred to a check in story, but the less said about that one the better.

The group then overwhelmed me with some gifts.  Two Tee shirts, in two sizes, one that I will need to shirk myself a bit more to fit into.  100% compliant because I was the only one who did not “cheat” the entire time.  Except last week when I had that martini, but they didn’t know that when they ordered the shirts.  A swimming trophy for my exercise, and egg cookers because I’d complained about peeling hard boiled eggs.

Hugs and tears all around last night.  I blurred the faces in our group pic for privacy as not everyone has been as blatently public about being in the program as I have.

I am so happy that most of the group will stay together in the Lifestyles class.  As we said last night, we need each other to keep on keeping on and really change our lives for good.

Tomorrow I am scheduled for a test that will tell me what my resting metabolic rate is.  RMR is the amount of calories a body burns when it isn’t doing anything.  It will help me know how many calories I should have each day to keep on losing the rest of my weight that needs to go. No exercise today and no food or coffee tomorrow morning before the test.  I am looking forward to it.

(My stats for the last week – 1.8 down  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 260 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 62.8 pounds.)

Last night was our first meeting with the new Lifestyles group.  The lifestyles group is composed of people who have finished the 30 week intensive.  We can attend the weekly meetings as long as we want and some people have been attending for way more than a year.  It was good to hear from those who are further along on the journey.  Us new kids composed about half of those in attendance last night.  It was both good and hard being with my peeps in a different environment.  The bonds between us are so strong that it will take awhile for us to blend and join with the others that have been there longer.  I liked the new facilitator and am hopeful she can help us accomplish a melding together so we can become one ongoing supportive group.  I did miss the intimacy and trust we have had in our smaller group and I hope that can both continue and expand.

This week has been impossible for exercise because of all the smoke from the horrible fires up north.  The air is classified as “unhealthy” for everyone, and I am in the “sensitive” group so have been coughing even when indoors with the air purifier running full blast.  My heart goes out to those who have lost homes and family in the fires.  We really do need to get a handle on climate change before the West goes up in flames and the East and South are completely devastated by monster hurricanes and floods.

I also had my RMR (resting metabolic rate) test this week and found that my body burns 1555 calories a day when I am doing absolutely nothing.  As a result, I am going to increase my calorie intake to 1350, which should still keep me on the weight loss path without going too low.  Even with virtually no exercise, I still lost 1.2 pounds last week.

Sadly, too, we closed the pool for the winter, so the stationary bike will have to do once the smoke clears.

I also got some new pants last week. They were both on sale and fit!  I am holding off on buying more as I hope to shrink out of the new ones before too long.

(My stats for the last week – 1.2 down  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 30 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 64 pounds.)

The taste of ashes is in our mouth

The smell is in our nose

The flames have ravaged hopes

And taken lives

The fires have roared

Our lungs have filled with smoke

As we wait for the rain

That must surely come

Then washed clean and reborn

We will rise from the ashes

Above the haze

On the wings of our dreams

This week I had what was only my second weekly weight gain that I have had since starting the program, but I know why.  I love mystery in general, but not when it comes to improving my health.  Three things contributed to my gain:  take out Thai food, shrimp tacos with sweet potato fries, and not exercising at all because of the terrible air quality.  I enjoyed the food, so maybe that was almost worth it, but the bad air had no positives to it.  With so many losing homes and loved ones in the devastating fires, it feels a little bad to whine about the smoky air, but breath is live, and when we can not breathe, it feels like we are dying.

I do not want to die.  At least not too soon.  I have more to do, not the least of which is trying to improve our environment so that our planet might continue to sustain life.

I WILL get on the stationary bike this week, and will meet the Thanksgiving dinner challenge with resolve.  I had a melt down yesterday, faced with the sight of the dinner rolls my wife had purchased for the meal.  After some tears and conversation, she froze the rolls and agreed to skip the mashed potatoes.  She is so wonderfully supportive and understood that the stuffing and gravy would be enough of a challenge for me.  I can avoid dessert easily. I have never really liked pumpkin pie anyway.   We are also having roasted brussels sprouts and I am roasting the sweet potatoes rather than coating them with butter, brown sugar, and marshmallows.  The kids are bring a salad and a healthier green bean casserole.  My plan is to measure out a small serving of dressing, a tablespoon or two of cranberry sauce, and a couple of dollops of gravy.  Turkey is a really good protein, low fat and low calorie, so I will have a healthy serving of that.  After that I will stick to the veggies.  I will likely go a bit over my calorie budget today, but that is OK.  Today is a day to feel thankful and not deprived.  I am grateful for my improving health and I have a strong desire not to sabotage my progress.  Wish me luck and grace!

(My stats for the last week – up 2.2 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for <30 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 61.8 pounds.)

Thanksgiving Day was also the 30th birthday of our twins (the 2 sitting in chairs.)  And of course we had two cakes, neither of which I even tasted.  I actually left the room while everyone ate cake – part of why I had a successful Thanksgiving.  Weirdly enough for a holiday week, I lost 4.6 pounds, one of my highest weekly losses ever, which totally made up for the 2.2 pounds I gained the week before.  Since the dinner was just us, our 3 children, their partners, and Anne’s nephew Tom (who took this picture) I did not have to be shy about compulsively staying within my calorie budget.  I ate really lightly earlier in the day, weighed the turkey I ate and simply brought measuring cups and tablespoons to the table.  I had enough left in my budget to have 4 ounces of turkey, 3 tablespoons of gravy, 2 tablespoons of cranberry sauce, 1/4 cup of stuffing, 3/4 cup of roasted brussels sprouts, 1/2 cup of green bean casserole, 1/4 cups of roasted sweet potatoes, and a 1/2 cup of salad. The servings were small, but it was a feast!  It came in at 566 calories. (A Big Mac  w/out fries is 563).  It was more than I had eaten at one sitting in a long time and I felt more than satisfied.  Losing a good amount of weight the same week was just more “icing on that cake”- the one I did not eat!

I also realized this week that I am really grieving the strong bonds we had in class with the facilitator we had.  It was 30 weeks of intensive work together.  Now we are thrown into a group with both a new facilitator and a bunch of strangers who have been in the program longer.  I like the new facilitator and am enjoying the stories and wisdom of the veterans, but it is still a loss.  Losing my “fat lady’ identity is also a loss.  Every change in life involves a loss.  Change, even “good’ change, is always hard, but it is what life always is, if you are going to keep living it anyway.  It will take time to build up trust in the new group, but I am confident that it will happen.  I am going to work on helping it happen if I can.  It reminds me some of congregational work.  Everyone wants to hang out with their friends, and visitors can be ignored.  If we care about what we are doing, in church, or in a program that depends on mutual support, we all need to do what we can the build and strengthen community, inviting the stranger, the new-comer in.  I truly believe that diversity of all types is a blessing.  We can learn so much from those who have different life experiences.  It helps to have at least something in common, however, whether it is a commitment to losing weight or to creating a more just and peaceful world.

I am grateful for so much on this week after Thanksgiving.  Most especially the rain, which extinguished the fires and cleaned the air.

(My stats for the last week – down 4.8  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 210 minutes.  My total weight loss so far is 66.6 pounds.)

Unitarian Universalism is an embodied faith; our theology proclaims that all our bodies are sacred and beautiful, and that our physical selves matter. Our faith is demanding; we are called to stretch ourselves and to be transformed.

For much of my life, I have lived in my head and my heart, and my body was mostly a vehicle for getting things done.  It was also a source of pleasure.  Among other physical pleasures, I have enjoyed bubble baths, soft kittens, and delicious food.  I spent time caring for my mind by studying, reading, and learning. I also tended to my heart and soul, through prayer and by opening the pathways of empathy and compassion, even when it was difficult. Despite my theology about the importance of the body, however, I mostly simply used it, ignoring what it might need to stay healthy.

I gained weight slowly over the years, and in some ways relished being fat.  In my large female body, I felt like I projected a safe presence, and the hugs I gave congregants seemed to be received as nurturing rather than sexual or threatening.  I did always ask before hugging someone new, however; prior trauma can be so easily triggered by touch. I was largely happy with my “earth-mother” image of myself. I did not enjoy squeezing myself into airplane seats, or enduring the indignities and judgements that society places upon fat people, but I loved myself and my body, just as it was. My dear wife also loved me, no matter what size I was.

But I forgot that my body needed my care and attention, and that just as my heart, brain, and spirit needed exercise to stay healthy, so did my body. I forgot that this faith demands a wholeness of mind, spirit, and body.  I forgot these words of the 16th century Unitarian, Michael Servetus:

“It is necessary to care for the body if we wish the spirit to function normally.”

Last year, I got a wake-up call, a revelation if you will. My health had begun to deteriorate, so much so that I had to leave a ministry earlier than planned.  Most of my health issues were made worse by the amount of weight I was carrying.  I knew this was true this time, despite the years of doctors implying that my weight was the cause of what were completely unrelated problems. I realized that if I was going to have a decent quality of life ever again, if I was going to be able to continue to work for justice, I needed to lose some serious weight.  Exercise wasn’t going to be enough; my body and I needed both physical and spiritual rehabilitation if we were going to survive.

I had never seriously dieted before and was very suspicious of the diet industry. To me, it symbolized both capitalism and misogyny, the policing and sexualizing of women’s bodies for profit and control.  One can be healthy at any size; I still believe that, but it wasn’t true for me, at least not any more.

I signed up for a medically supervised weight loss program through my health plan.  It isn’t easy, and has required intense concentration and focus, but the weight is coming off.  It is hard, but it is what I need. I am learning to tend my body in the same sorts of careful and attentive ways that I have always cared for my heart, my mind, and my soul and spirit.   My body is so much more than a vehicle; it is my home.  I have no regrets about my past habits, but it was time for me to go home. I needed a revelation to really understand that our minds, bodies, and souls are deeply interwoven, and that only when they work together can we live to our full potential.  Sometimes we need revelations – sometimes we need two, or three, or twenty-three. I am so glad that revelation is not sealed!

Sigh, I was up slightly this week, but only .2 pounds, which is pretty much staying the same. Still a bit depressing as I am monitoring daily and stayed within my calorie goals.  Bodies are complicated, however,  so although what we do matters, the results are not always predictable or measurable.  It is the overall journey that is important.  At least that is what I keep telling myself.

It is also like the work for justice.  Progress is made, and then the forces of greed and hatred raise their ugly heads.  We have to keep trying to bend the arc.

I am still adjusting to the new group.  There were lots of new-to-me folks last night, and a lot of good tips from those that have been doing this longer.  The free flowing conversation is a bit disconcerting, with some people talking a lot and others saying nothing.  I’ll get used to it, but I found myself being quiet, not my usual mode of being.

Another new revelation for me was that we are actually supposed to continue reporting our activities (tracking calories and exercise) to our facilitator each week.  There are prizes involved! I will catch up on it, but I was completely clueless about the reporting requirements.  Our new exercise goal is 420 minutes per week, more than I have been doing lately.  Winter is harder because I can’t swim.  I could cheat and count my steps around the house, but no, there is no real point in faking it.  Maybe I will try 2 spins on the bike some days.  I can’t seem to manage more that 30 minutes at a sitting on the bike because, frankly, my rear end gets numb after 20 minutes or so.

This is a marathon, not a 50 yard dash.  Staying steady, and on pace, one step and one day at a time, is how to do it I think.  This is for the long haul.  Damn, I wish it was all easier.  I am going to a rally this afternoon for immigrant rights.  It is something that would have been a huge physical challenge for me a few months ago.  Change is possible, on all fronts.  This I believe.

(My stats for the last week – up .2  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 260 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 66.4 pounds.)

Yesterday afternoon I went to an ICE Out of Marin rally and then to a meeting with the Board of Supervisors.  These are the remarks I shared during the public comment portion of the meeting.  I spoke right after our parish minister, the Reverend Marcus Hartlief who spoke with passion and eloquence.  I think we made a good tag team of UU ministers:

“When I accepted ordination into the ministry I pledged to speak, act and live as a voice of courage and of hope; to champion justice, freedom, and compassion and to serve all those who are in need.

Whether or not it was explicit, I believe all of you on the board of supervisors and our sheriff made a similar commitment when you accepted an elected office in the County of Marin.

You are here to serve the residents of this county, and most particularly those who are most vulnerable.

I know you try.  I know that sometimes the decisions you need to make are complicated and not easy.  This one is simple.

Our immigrant neighbors are living in fear. Their families are being torn apart. Their cries of anguish and despair should be stirring all of our hearts and calling us to compassionate action. We MUST stop cooperating with ICE.  We MUST stop publishing the damn release dates of those who have been incarcerated.  We MUST provide a sanctuary where all who are vulnerable are safe.  I pray, along with Reverend Marcus, that wisdom, compassion and courage will guide your decision. Thank you.”

I had a “non-scale victory” this week because I was able to attend a rally, and even speak before the County Board of Supervisors that same evening.  See “Ice Out of Marin” for what I said.  I could not have physically done this a few months ago.  It was still physically difficult.  The rally was held on uneven grass, with no real seating.  The civic center halls are also very long.  Between those two things my knees were cracking, throbbing and popping that night and throughout the next day.  I made a joke on Facebook saying, “although I wanted ICE out of our county, I still need some ice for my knees.”  A sense of humor helps get me through, not just with doing this hard program, but also with coping with all the truly evil things happening in the world. .

I was also able to wear my clerical shirt with its collar and could button ALL the buttons!  Victory!  In my tradition, clerical collars are not routinely worn in our churches.  Instead, we wear stoles and some of us robe when leading services.  In more recent years, however, many Unitarian Universalist ministers have begun wearing collars during public witness events.  It is a very recognizable symbol that we are ordained clergy and it can add a tad of religious and moral authority to what we say.  The clergy shirt I ordered online a few years ago never really fit me before, but this last week it did!    Thinking back to my list of the reasons I began this program, being able to attend social justice events was on that list.  (Click here for my full list) here. )  Yay!  Just Yay!

Class was good this week.  It was particularly fun because it was a smallish group and all but two of the attendees were people from my cohort.  We are so well bonded that we can tease each other and laugh hysterically.  One man was talking about eating crab and some of us heard “crap” – not much of a stretch because “crap food” is something most of us have known all too well.  The rest of the class, he said “Cra -buh.”  Maybe you had to be there, but it was hilarious.  I also think I remember pretending to be a crab in boiling water, raising my claws and making drowning noises, but maybe I just thought about doing that.  We were pretty rowdy and I hope we did not upset our facilitator who is still getting used to us. Laughter helps though.  It really does.

One more wonderful thing happened this week.  Because of this blog I connected with an old friend who I hadn’t seen in at least 25 years.  She finished the active part of the program about a year ago, and is in a “lifestyles” group in a nearby city.  We talked non-stop for almost 3 hours when she came by to see us and we have plans to get together again.  We mainly just got caught up on our lives and our kids, but she also had some program tips for me as well.  (COLD water is better, the body burns calories heating it up – who would have known?)

I will be working on exercising more in the weeks to come.  The goal now is 420 minutes.  I might have made close to that if it were not for getting a shingles shot on Monday. The shot reaction knocked me out for a bit.  I was down 2.6 pounds anyway, making up for my very slight gain of .2 pounds last week,.  Yay again, just yay.

(My stats for the last week – down 2.6  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 315 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 69 pounds.)

The quality of light in the morning is something to behold.

The warm breath of the sun falls gently on the mountain and on the bay.

Wake up because it is a new day.

I made the exercise goal of 420 minutes.  It almost killed me but I did it!  I rode the bike in 20-40 minute segments twice a day.  It is amazing how the idea of a prize can motivate me.  We get “stamps” for attendance at meetings, logging our calories, and exercising for 420 minutes a week.  When we have enough stamps, the card is entered into a drawing for a Whole Foods gift certificate.  I don’t even like that store; it is so pretentious and overpriced, but I want to win so I am wearing out the stationary bike until spring when I can swim again.  It’s a mind game I am playing with myself.

We had a interesting discussion in class last night.  Does doing something hard, like this program, improve your life in other ways?  Does it open up other possibilities for you, other challenges that you might tackle? Does it make you more empathetic to others, because you know how hard things can be, or does it make your more judgmental because after all you have had success, so why can’t everybody else?   Of course I went to the theological in this.  It reminds me of the old salvation by grace versus salvation by character argument.  The Universalists and Unitarians, coming from either side of that issue, decided to just live in the tension of that theological debate.  I do believe that hard work helps, but a little luck helps even more.  Everything does NOT happen for a reason, much of life is simply random, and sometimes good hard-working, truly wonderful people, simply do not succeed or even manage to survive.   We do what we can, and hope for the best.  Try to love life and love each other; be generous and be kind.  If nothing else, the world will be a little bit better because we lived. As a Unitarian Universalist I believe that all will end up in whatever heaven is, and also that we can, with our efforts, create a little heaven right here.

(My stats for the last week – down 1.4  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for 420 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 70.4 pounds.)

I have a truly amazing support system.  On Christmas Eve, “Secret Santa” from my group left the note above on my porch song with a goodie bag full of fabulous stickers, trinkets and small gifts, including a cute chicken kitchen timer and a fluid measuring glass.  Do I feel the love?  Yes, I do.

And my beloved Anne gave me a Fitbit (one that I can wear in the pool to track swimming too), a mini-colander to wash my morning blueberries, measuring spoons with size markings I can read, jogging pants that won’t fall off for a few more months at least, and Michelle Obama’s book, which I can read on the exercise bike.  I may be forgetting something, but do I feel the love? Yes, I do.

Weirdly enough, it seems to be getting easier in a lot of ways.  I am drinking more than a gallon every day now, finishing the jug by dinner and wanting more.  I did 420 minutes of exercise this week, and it was easier than the week before.  I had veal marsala and a martini on  Christmas eve, and ate a potluck dinner at a friend’s house on Christmas – and I still lost almost 2 pounds.

During class we talked about lessons learned this last year.  There has been so much!  For me personally, I think I now can relax just a little more, turn down the volume on my compulsiveness, and partake of an occasional treat.  As long as I keep my focus most of the time, it will really be OK  to plan to do something different once in awhile.  Planning is the key.  I knew I would have a martini this week so I ate a bit lighter earlier in that day.  I also knew I would be unhappy if I just got sauceless fish so the veal was a decent option that tasted fabulous.  The leftovers were good as well.  Watching people eat the bread and olive oil, and sharing a dessert was a little harder, but the veal and martini did it for me, and once it came, I did not feel deprived.

2019 will be a good year.  2020 will be even better if we can pull off a landslide election that will end this political nightmare we have been living in for forever it seems.

(My stats for the last week – down 1.9  pounds, drank over 8 gallons of water and exercised for 420 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 72.3 pounds.)

I don’t want to sound like a commercial, but the Fitbit Anne gave me for Christmas is making a real difference.  I also paid the $30 (per year) to upgrade from the free version of Lose It so it could send my meal info to Fitbit.  I have always loved technology and this one is so fun.  Like Santa , it knows when I’ve been sleeping and tells me how much REM and deep sleep time I got the night before.  The exercise programs are a motivation and much easier than timing my exercise on my phone.  It tells me to take 250 steps every hour and it is hard to ignore a vibration on my wrist.  Best are the “adventure” challenges.  This week I virtually hiked the Vernal Falls trail in Yosemite, something I have done in real life at least 30 times, starting when I was a child and taking my own children there.  I know that trail in my bones although I haven’t been able to hike it in many years.  So fun to do it virtually and see the photos of places I know so well.  I start the “Valley Loop” today.  At 35, 899 steps, that will take me almost a week.

At group this week we talked about resolutions, goals, and intentions, and what the different definitions are.  I said that I like to use the language of covenant, which is a more of a sacred promise, something you come back to again and again, even if at times you falter.  (I am preaching on this topic this Sunday.)

I am trying to learn the names of the new-to-me people in our group.  It was easier this week as there were 3 men named John.  I try to use people’s names when I speak to or about them, and will try and model this more often in the group.  Knowing someone’s name is the first step in making a real connection.  In a support group, knowing each other’s names is critical I think.  It can be hard, because people drop in and out and the facilitator has lots of classes with lots of people.  It is kind of like congregational life, I guess,  and as a minister there were always people whose names I did not know.  But I’d rather ask for a name multiple times, than skip over what is a need-to know.

One of the John’s made a comment that struck me.  He said that now that he is no longer fat, he feels like he is who he was always meant to be.  Body and spirit both was the implication.  So much of our fat shaming culture eats away at our sense of dignity about who we are and/or who we have been.  I hate that.  There is virtue is setting a goal and accomplishing it, but there is no shame in failing.  This stuff is hard. Life is hard.

A colleague posted a question today about experiences with food and shame.  The following is what I wrote in response:

“Growing up working class, and having a large garden, there was always enough food although the quality declined as the month ended and the money grew tight. We celebrated with rich food when the money came in. Free food has always been particularly hard for me to resist, storing up for some intrinsic fear of scarce times I think.  I was thin until my mid 30’s, but eating has always provided some emotional comfort for me.  It started when I was a child eating potato chips or saltines with butter late at night when the house was chaotic and going out for pizza with my mom when my father was very drunk and we needed to get out of the house. It is funny, now that I am in a serious weight loss program (because of my personal health needs, NOT because being fat is inherently unhealthy!) for the first time in my life I am only hungry right before mealtimes. I have never felt a lot of shame about eating or my size, even when I was over 300 pounds, although I was frequently upset and pissed about others reactions to my size. It is OK to use. my name.  I am who I am.”

We are going out to dinner tonight for our 44th anniversary.  I will save up some calories so I can have a martini with the meal, but I won’t get dessert this year.  I will order a reasonably sensible entree, but if I go over in calories today I now know one meal will not sabotage my progress.  I am feeling good and it is time to get on the stationary bike and start walking the valley loop trail.

(My stats for the last week – down 1.9 pounds, drank over 8 gallons of water and exercised for over 510 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 74.2  pounds.)

This month’s worship theme is on covenant.  A covenant is essentially a promise, but it is a deeper and more faithful promise than an ordinary one.  It is not easy or thoughtless.

Socrates, the ancient Greek philosopher that lived in 400 BCE is quoted as saying that “the unexamined life is not worth living.”

I am not sure that I completely agree with him on that. Life, all life, has value.  There are animals that do not have a capacity for self-reflection, but their lives are worth living.  Those of you who have shared your lives with special animal friends know this to be true.

But Socrates’ point is a good one.  Because we have thecapacity to examine our lives, it can be a waste to simply live them without ever thinking about their meaning.

The 20^thcentury Unitarian theologian James Luther Adams took Socrates’ statement in a different direction.  He said:

“An unexamined faith is not worth having, for it can be true only by accident. A faith worth having is faith worth discussing and testing…

No authority, including the authority of individual conviction, is rightly exempt from discussion and criticism.”

Adams was also pretty blunt when he said:

“The free person does not live by an unexamined faith. To do so is to worship an idol whittled out and made into a fetish. . . . the faith that cannot be discussed is a form of tyranny.” (Adams, The Prophethood of All Believers 1986, 48).

An unexamined faith is not worth having.

So how do we, as Unitarian Universalists, examine our faith?  How do we examine our lives and learn how to follow a principled path, one that makes us feel more alive and one that can help us make a positive difference for our world?

We don’t have a common creed, a set of particular beliefs.  As individuals, we have many different ideas about God, and we have a wide variety of opinions about almost everything.

We do have some things, however, that we have agreed upon.  Anyone want to hazard a guess as to what those things are?

Yes, we have our seven principles.

In case you can’t remember them, they are listed in the front of the grey hymnal.  It might be useful to turn to them.  Note the words at the beginning, “we the member congregations of the Unitarian Universalist Association covenant to affirm and promote.”

The UU Congregation of Marin is one of those member congregations.  We have, as a religious institution, covenanted, or promised, to affirm and promote the seven principles.

Some people consider our seven principles a creed. Many of us when we first read them, said, “That is exactly what I believe!” I did that.

But let’s examine those principles. Note that the introductory line doesn’t say “we believe.”  It says that we covenant – that we promise to affirm and promote those seven things. As Unitarian Universalists, we make promises; promises to do things. The seven principles of Unitarian Universalism are not statements of belief, but rather constitute an action plan that we try to follow both as congregations and as individuals. Action plans! Don’t you love it?

What is your favorite principle? Call it out!

The majority of Unitarian Universalists are most strongly drawn to either to our first principle or to our seventh.   They are certainly the most often quoted in sermons and in conversations when you are trying to explain to someone what Unitarian Universalism is all about.

And while people can certainly have favorite principles, I believe it is also important to examine them together.

Our first principle uplifts the rights of the individual and asks us to respect everyone’s inherent worth and dignity.    The seventh principle, respect for the interconnected web, asks us to remember than we are all part of something much larger than ourselves.

(Holding up hands) The first principle is about the individual and the seventh is about community. Individual – community.  How do we hold those two in balance?  We can sometimes struggle with the tension between those two principles.  I know I did as a supervisor and as a new Unitarian Universalist.  I had to weigh the needs and problems of an individual employees with the needs of both the larger work team and the mission we were charged with accomplishing.

The tension between these two principles can also surface within our churches.

How does a congregation respond to an individual whose behavior is truly disruptive, maybe someone who makes racist, homophobic, anti-Semitic or sexist comments? If we can’t find a way to call them back into covenant and remind them of our first principle, what do we do?

Do we ignore it, or do we find ways to encourage them to change their behavior so that we can create the warm and welcoming religious community we all want and need?

Being welcoming to all does not necessarily mean being welcoming to all types of behavior.

Sometimes the balance has to shift from the individual toward the interconnected web, or community side of the equation.  It is never simple.  This isn’t an easy faith.

Sometimes it can feel like there is an inherent conflict between our first and seventh principles.  Maybe we should just choose one and be done with it.

It gets easier if you consider them in relationship with each other.

Isn’t part of respecting someone’s worth and dignity letting them know when they are doing something that diminishes or damages another person or group of people? Sometimes it is more respectful to speak the truth and offer the possibility of change, than simply saying, “Oh, that’s just the way they are; they always do that.”

Similarly, the seventh principle respect for the interdependent web of all existence of which we are a part is about a lot more than respecting the environment.

It says we are all connected.  It says every individual with all of their inherent worth and dignity is connected to every other individual.

Sometimes we forget that we have seven principles, not just two, and that they are all interrelated. The first and seventh principles are like bookends, and we need to take the time to read the books as well.

What’s in the middle of the bookshelf? What is our 4th principle?  It is OK to look it up.

Bingo. A free and responsible search for truth and meaning is the correct answer.

I would argue that the 4^thprinciple is the most important one and that the other 6 lead us there, supporting us on the path of examining our lives and our faith.

Our second principle, justice, equity and compassion in human relations points to the sixth, the goal of world community with peace, liberty and justice for all;

The second principle is about how we promise to treat individuals, while the sixth is what that means on a larger scale.  It is the same as the relationship between the 1^stand seventh. Individual — community.

The second and sixth also define the goals or mission that follow from the first and seventh principles: positive and respectful relationships between all people and all nations.

The third principle is acceptance of one another and encouragement to spiritual growth in our congregations and the fifth is the right of conscience and the use of the democratic process within our congregations and in society at large;

Those two contain some of the specifics of the action plan.  Accept one another, encourage spiritual growth, respect the right of conscience and use the democratic process when making decisions.

They tell us what to do as we engage in a free and responsible search for truth and meaning.

Free (one hand) Responsible (other hand)

Individual – Community

Our principles contain the essence of dramatic tension. Everyone who wants to live ethically, in right relationship to other people and to the world, to examine their life and their faith, struggles with contradictions.  How do we search for truth and meaning?  How do we discover the meaning of our lives and what we are called to do with them?

Today is Epiphany in the Christian tradition.  One definition of epiphany is a, usually sudden, perception of the essential nature or meaning of something.  As we examine our faith and our lives, sometimes we are looking for an epiphany, an understanding that will help lead us on our life’s journey.

But how can we begin that search for truth and meaning?

The Buddha sat beneath a tree waiting for enlightenment. Moses climbed a mountain. Jesus went into the wilderness.  They were seeking truth and meaning, wondering what their lives were really about, what their “action plan” should be.

Haven’t we all experienced that feeling?  We wonder why we are here, if our life has any purpose, any meaning beyond whatever societal success we might attain or not.  What is the point?

Does it really matter what we do and how we live?

To find the answers to those questions, we have to go deep, very deep, inside of ourselves.  We have to look in the mirror and see our whole selves, our failings as well as our gifts.  Who am I? Why am I here?  What am I called to do?

Who are you? Why are you here?

What will you do with your one wild and precious life, as the poet Mary Oliver asks?

Sitting with those feelings can be scary.

Fear has so many dimensions: fear of failure, fear of success, fear of ridicule, fear of power, fear of the unknown.

But while we are sitting beneath the tree, while we are wandering in the metaphorical desert, while we are drawing in whatever wisdom we can find, we also need to be turning ourselves inside out, and finding a path into the world.

The Buddha did not stay beneath his tree, he was called by the suffering he saw around him to go back into the world.  Moses came down from the mountain to lead his people to the Promised Land.  Jesus came back from the desert and began casting out demons and healing the sick.  Harriet Tubman went back down south to free more slaves.

Howard Thurman said, “Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”

There is a place, deep within each of us, that knows what will make us come alive. We can follow a principled path.

I will end with these words by Leslie Becknell:

“What kind of case could be made to convict you of full-fledged whole-hearted Unitarian Universalism? What do you do when life calls on you to live out your principles? When someone’s opinion is different than yours. When someone at the committee meeting interrupts and goes off on a tangent. When your beloved doesn’t take out the trash. . . . When you request that your employer make a policy change. When you are living your life every day.

I won’t challenge you to memorize the principles. I invite you to learn them by heart and be willing to back them up with the life you lead”

From: “Learning the Principles by Heart” Leslie Becknell

Amen and blessed be

The pics are me in my exercise clothes.  I get real hot and sweaty on the bike and these help.

This journey has always been about improving my health, and not simply changing a number on a scale.  That said, the weight loss, the drastic change in my diet and regular exercise has yielded some real health results for me.  I was diagnosed with diabetes around 10 years ago and have been taking Metformin daily since that time.  I have kept my diabetes under relatively good control since I was diagnosed, watching my carbohydrate intake and limiting it to roughly 45 grams per meal.  I was not concerned about fats, protein, or calories though and continued to slowly gain weight.  My diabetes was stable, but I still needed the medication.

My A1c’s had been fine, always under the 7.  They were improving once I started this program, and began hovering between 5.9 and 6, very good numbers for a diabetic, in the “prediabetic range”.

Then, just yesterday, I got a call from my medical provider who told me my A1c (the test for blood sugar) was down to 5.4, which is in the normal range.    I was told I could stop taking the Metformin and that I now have a “history of diabetes” but that I am no longer a diabetic!  I did not even know this was possible, so I am both stunned and thrilled!  And yes, I have been working very hard, but some of it is clearly just luck, as others who work just as hard don’t have the same result. I am very grateful that my body is able to respond to my efforts and that my health is improving in this dramatic way.

Last week, when I wrote in anticipation about our anniversary dinner out, I said that I would have a martini but skip dessert.  Well, at the end of the meal, they brought our a piece of s’mores pie with two candles.  How could I not eat half?  It wasn’t that long ago that restaurant employees would assume we were just friends.  I clearly owed it to the GLBT community to eat that dessert with the love of my life! I did skip the crust, but the marshmallow, soft meringue topping and chocolate chunks were simply awesome and I enjoyed every bite.

I am learning that planning is important, but so is living life, adjusting as needed before and/or after.  I had exercised and saved up some calories earlier that day, and did the same the day afterward.  That one over-the-top meal did not impact my ongoing progress.

Last Sunday, I had the privilege of preaching again (sermon – here).  I love leading worship and it gives me energy.  It is interesting that I had over 6100 steps that day, more than any other day to date.  There are physical demands in preaching, part of why I had to give it up for awhile.  My knee was throbbing at the end of that day, but it was so worth it!

We had a substitute facilitator last night and it was a pleasure again to be with the woman who had guided us through the intensive phase of the program.  She was able to draw stories and examples from people in the group that she knew well.   The checkins were a bit deeper than usual as a result.  The issue came up of what to do when you are feeling bad about yourself, because guilt and shame are avenues that lead to failure and despair.  So many of us are raised to be such perfectionists, which can create a vicious cycle.  We try to be perfect and fail because perfection is impossible, then we simply stop trying and feel even worse.  I offered the following poem which a friend had posted online earlier this week and which helped me.

by Rev. Dick Gilbert.

In the midst of the whirling day,
In the hectic rush to be doing,
In the frantic pace of life,
Pause here for a moment.
Catch your breath;
Relax your body;
Loosen your grip on life.
Consider that our lives are always unfinished business;
Imagine that the picture of our being is never complete;
Allow your life to be a work in progress.
Do not hurry to mold the masterpiece;
Do not rush to finish the picture;
Do not be impatient to complete the drawing.
From beckoning birth to dawning death we are in process,
And always there is more to be done.
Do not let the incompleteness weigh on your spirit;
Do not despair that imperfection marks your every day;
Do not fear that we are still in the making.
Let us instead be grateful that the world is still to be created;
Let us give thanks that we can be more than we are;
Let us celebrate the power of the incomplete;
For life is always unfinished business.

The rest of the class was a discussion of artificial sweeteners. It was a good discussion but not very relevant for me.  I gave up my diet Coke addiction years ago, switching to water or unsweetened iced tea on hot summer days.  I have always tried to avoid overly processed foods and still cook from scratch with simple ingredients and sometimes complex spices.  I am just passing on the orange juice and leaving out most of the butter, cheese, pasta and bread that I used to eat.

The Fitbit is still keeping me moving.  I finished the “Valley loop” this week, one of the virtual adventures on the app for the device.

No longer having diabetes will take some time to sink in.  What an amazing result and so unexpected!

(My stats for the last week – down 1.4 pounds, drank over 8 gallons of water and exercised for over 510 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 75.6  pounds.)

When I have attended Passover Seders, I have enjoyed singing the song Dayenu.

The word means,”it would have been enough” and the song has 15 stanzas representing 15 gifts from God. The first five involve freeing the Jews from slavery, the next describe miracles, and the last five are about closeness to God.  Each of the stanzas is followed by the word “Dayenu” (it would have been enough), sung repeatedly.

Last week I found out that I no longer have diabetes.  It would have been enough. Dayenu.

This week I got the results of a recent sleep study and found that my sleep apnea has gone from moderate/severe to mild.  I may be able to ditch my C-pap machine before much longer. It would have been enough. Dayenu

I don’t expect 15 miracles.  But these are only the most recent  two.  Earlier ones were:

Not having lymphedema in my legs anymore Dayenu

Marked improvement in the lipodermatoschlerosis which was also in my legs and very painful. Dayenu

So I am up to at least 4.   Dayenu

OK, maybe 5.  I am able to exercise a lot more. Dayenu Maybe I am turning into a “jock” now that I have a Fitbit to vibrate and tell me to move.

Last week’s report:

I have exercise goals which I am writing down here to keep me accountable:

Exercise seven days a week.

Do at least 60 cardio minutes at least 6 out of every 7 days

Walk at least 250 steps every hour for 9 hours every day.

I am not doing a step goal as my knee is still quite wonky.

Class was great this week!  We had a couple of new folks and we spent time going around the room with everyone participating.   I learn so much every time we do this.   One woman talked about how she is no longer afraid of working up a sweat when exercising, which brought home for me the fact that I can now exercise hard enough to sweat.  Success.  Sweat is good.

A few other people talked about how others in the group were their inspiration for both beginning and sticking with the program.  It reminded me of the 12th step:

“Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.”

This program has a spiritual component I think and helping each other is a part of the practice.

We also talked about our heart rates and exercise.

And I got 2 pairs of new pants this week.  They fit – but maybe not for long as I am still shrinking!

(My stats for the last week – down 2 pounds, drank over 8 gallons of water and exercised for over 565 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 77.6  pounds.)

Attached media: https://web.archive.org/web/20211109162648/https://theresauuco.files.wordpress.com/2019/01/img_2121.jpg

I am rising like a Phoenix

From old ashes once again

Life has so many valleys

Deep dungeons of despair

Perhaps you saw me there.

Or did you glimpse me on a mountaintop

Where sunlight kissed the highest peaks

I laughed and forged a pathway

Through the storms

Rising like a Phoenix once again

One more transformation

Shedding weights that held me down

So blessed to be reborn

Once more to dance with wisdom

Swimming in that river of mystery

Where grace awaits us all.

I feel like I have turned some kind of corner, easing into this becoming an actual lifestyle rather than a tough program I am struggling to follow.  I am relaxing more about my food, feeling confident that I can do what I need to do.  I will continue to record everything I eat, because knowledge is power, but I can also decide to go over a few times and not stress about it.  Last week I asked Anne to pick up a half pound of  Molinari salami, my favorite comfort food, which was on sale.  She looked at me and asked if I was sure.  I said I wanted it and that I could handle it.  For the next 8 days I ate an ounce of the salami with a small orange for my afternoon snack.  In times past, I would have eaten all 8 ounces in one sitting.

We also went out to dinner and shared a dessert after a mostly sensible meal.  I am learning that I can sometimes just eat what I want, just not every day or for every meal.  I loved the dessert and I enjoyed the salami a lot, but it truly was enough.  (That “dayenu” refrain may become a recurring mantra for me.)

While I am easing off on my obsessive calorie counting, I am turning into an exercise nut.  I even started using a sweat band when riding my bike.  I check my Fitbit app often, watching for the various the goals to turn green when I have met them..  When I had my resting metabolic rate test, it came out at 1555.  Fitbit estimates 1677 based on my age, gender, and weight.  I will do another test at some point to see if there are changes.  But yeah, it is about figuring out what my body needs to be healthy.  I love data!

Our sweet facilitator has taken some of my (hopefully gentle) suggestions to heart.  We did a get-to-know each other exercise this week.  I do believe that members of a group have some responsibility for how the group functions.  Just like a congregation can lift up or tear down the minister (and I have experienced both kinds of congregations) so can group dynamics affect how well a facilitator does.  Connie is rocking right now, although the F-bombs my old cohort tends to drop seem to startle her a little.  I want to do whatever I can to help the group bond so we can support each other effectively, so I can get the support I need.  This isn’t something anyone can do alone.  Actually, there isn’t much of life that should be lived completely alone.  We all need some solitude and reflection time of course, but we are social animals.  We need each other.

We also talked about food behaviors that aren’t working for us and ways to change them.  Awareness, motivation, planning and rewards are all important.  With the food and exercise routines, I am on track, so I didn’t make any plans for myself other than keeping on doing what I am doing.  It was good to hear from others, though.

I changed the weight goals in my fitness and food apps yesterday.  For me, it has never been about the numbers, an ideal weight, or the size of clothes I can fit into, but about my health. So I just let the apps auto-select the goal numbers.  But it was starting to piss me off looking at a “to lose” number that is larger than what I have already done.  So I changed the number.  I know I need to lose more to take the enough pressure off my knees, so I somewhat randomly picked the number that will get me to the edge between the “obese” vs the “overweight” ranges for BMI.  When I get there, I can reevaluate, but it feels good to be more than half way there.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down 2.1 pounds, drank over 8 gallons of water and exercised for over 610 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 79.7  pounds.)

Our mantra last night was “it is a privilege to be able to exercise” because not every “body” can.  We do what we can in this life, and it isn’t always easy.  Sometimes, despite our best efforts, things don’t work out very well.

I have been taking advantage of that privilege lately, although the above statistics show stairs I did not climb.  It is apparently a glitch in the FitBit programming on the model I have.  The steps and active minutes are accurate though.  I will walk even more after I get my knees done, but for now it all feels pretty good.

I seem to be on a very positive roll these days, as I racked up another health improvement this week when my doctor reduced the dosage on some more of my medications.  One was for blood pressure.  I also learned from her that a heart medication I am taking slows my heart rate.  I will have to keep that in mind as I exercise.

I also decided I needed to get some sweat bands for my head.  The old bandana I have been using gets soaked too quickly. Who knew I would ever need something like sweat bands?  I am also watching my daily calorie burn and balancing it with my intake.  This is science!  I have always loved both data and science.  No “fake news” for me.  Knowledge and facts feed my brain and are helping me feed my body in much healthier ways.

This week I went from “Obese Category III” down to Category II.  It is not about the numbers I know, but so far my numbers are correlating well with the health improvements I am having.  Lets call it “progression analysis.” (That’s a math joke.)

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down 3 pounds, drank over 8 gallons of water and exercised for over 595 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 82.7  pounds.)

My sweat bands!  They came and they work super great.  Plus I had (most) of my hair cut off so it is easier to dry after a shower or the hot tub.  Once the weather warms up and I can start swimming again very short hair will be awesome as well.

I did OK on my exercise last week, not as good as the week before as one day I was just tired and took a break without getting my cardio hour in.  Still, with the sweat bands, I am now officially a jock.

Last night we talked about goal weights.  The ideal weight charts do much more harm than good.  What matters is our health, how we feel, how much energy we have, and whether we are reducing our risks for heart disease and diabetes.  I spoke about how I had changed my goal weight on my fitness apps, because the generated one was way too depressing.  As I calculate my calories in and calories out, I am looking for a deficit of 1000 so that I can continue to lose some weight while not losing my muscles.  Once I can get off a few more medications, it may be time to go for simple maintenance.  But it would be pointless to go to all this work and then go backward, sacrificing all the health benefit I have gained.  It is the reality that I will always have to pay attention to what I am putting into this body of mine.

My knees are still a mess and I am getting another cortisone shot today to help with the pain.  I will also see if I can now get on the list for knee surgery.  Once that happens, I may even be able to go hiking again!  That will feel like (another) miracle.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down 1.8 pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 575 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 84.5  pounds.)

Homer said that Odysseus

Angered a God

Which is why

His journey was so long

And hard.

He started as a prince

A wealthy man

But had trouble going home.

I think that’s right

I never read the poem.

Maybe it’s hard to start so high

That falling is a surprise.

I wouldn’t know.

That’s not my story.

I began in chaos,

My journey a hope-filled climb

As ever brighter vistas

Granted blessings on my way.

Sure, there have been dips and valleys

Times I’ve tripped and fallen.

But the trail keeps going higher

Where the sun has dared to shine.

Courage my companion

As love has been my guide.

On this stairway into heaven

A heaven here and now.

Maybe later too.

Who knows?

This has been enough.

Dayenu

I can get so dependent on technology.  My FitBit wasn’t syncing to my phone or to my computer one day this week and it really stressed me.  What’s the point of exercising if I don’t get “credit,” if the goal doesn’t turn green on my screens?  Luckily, I figured out how to fix it by searching help forums -basically I needed to turn my phone off and back on.  This technology stuff can be  frustrating, but I do love it when it works.  I also adjusted my calorie goals this as I had set them a little too low.  Even though I ate a bit more this last week, I still lost almost 3 pounds, which is maybe a little too much. I may have to get even more calories in so I can keep my loss rate healthy.  Eating enough is as important as not eating too much.  It is all about balance and health.

Last night we talked about body image which was very moving.  Our culture is so horrible that it can make us hate our bodies, particularly if we are young and female and don’t fit the “ideal” body type. I sang the group this song. “How Could Anyone” (Song here)

They did not seem to mind my less than stellar singing voice, but they got the message.  We are all beautiful.  I also told them that I loved them when I met them, and that I don’t love them more now because they are thinner.

Maybe it is because I gained most of my weight after my 40’s, or maybe because I am a lesbian in a very long term relationship, but I never really hated my “fat” body or was particularly ashamed of it.  It was just who I was, someone with an “Earth Mother Goddess” body.  If it wasn’t for the health issues, I would not have considered altering my body in any way.  I am also having some trouble adjusting to the thinner me. It is a little weird, and I feel somewhat less substantial, that it is just a little harder to “claim my space” in a crowd.  I will get used to it, and I am definitely appreciating the health benefits I have achieved through the weight loss.

Next week I am going to a conference for retired UU ministers and their partners.  It should be good, although I have a presentation to do so I am a bit nervous about that.  Ministers can be an intimidating audience.  And most retired ministers tend to have a lot more experience than I do, as I entered the ministry fairly late in life.  Once I get going, I know it will be fine; it always is.  The Spirit hasn’t let me down yet, so no worries.

The conference food is likely to be buffet style, so as long as there is protein and veggies I should be fine.  Finding time to exercise might be harder, as schedules tend to be packed.  I am also a bit nervous about the 4 extra days we are staying, as restaurant meals will be involved, and those can be harder to figure out.  But since I have been doing so well, it will actually be fine if I gain a bit that week.  So no stress!  Or at least not too much.

My life is getting better and I realize that is always how it has been for me.  The presentation I will give at the conference next week is on my life’s journey, my odyssey.  I wrote a poem about it this morning and will likely start my talk with it.  (the poem is here)

And, special for Valentines Day, the words I spoke to Anne at our legal wedding in July of 2013, (here)

(My stats for the last week – down 2.9  pounds, drank over 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 540 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 87.4  pounds.)

I just returned from Texas where we attended the UURMaPA (Unitarian Universalist Retired Ministers and Partners) conference and spent a few extra days in Austin visiting the family of one of Anne’s Sicilian cousins.

What a trip it was!  It was only a week, but it was also a lifetime.  At the conference I told my life story, my odyssey, which wasn’t an easy thing to do. Like everyone, I have seen some hard times. It was emotional and difficult to speak of some of them.  The response from my colleagues in ministry and their partners was truly heartwarming.  The conference theme was on Unitarian Universalism’s history on GLBTQ issues.  And although we have been much more progressive on those issues than any other faith tradition that I know of, there was still a lot of pain expressed by ministers who came out in the early days. I loved the conference, and there were times I cried.  Tears are good though.

After the conference, we went to Austin to visit family that we had never met in person.  Frankly, we were a little nervous about meeting them.  They are religious Christians who attend a large Protestant church.  Would they embrace us for who we are, or simply tolerate us in “love the sinner, hate the sin” mode?  We were very moved by the warm welcome we received from them.  We also learned that one of the teenagers is president of the GSA (Gay Straight Alliance) at her school.  How assume is that?  It reminded me of our visit to Sicily where we were also nervous, and then we discovered that one of the young adult cousins was “Mr. Gay Europe” and that the family embraced him whole-heartedly.  Damn, I love our Italian family, and I am thrilled to now know the ones who live in Texas.   This warm and embracing family is yet another gift I have received from my marriage to Anne.

I tried to stay on-track with my weight loss program while I was gone, but it was hard.  I definitely drank less water.  The conference food had lots of good choices, but exercising was pretty much out as the programming started early and went into the evening.  Austin was a home-made Italian pasta dinner and a similar lunch, complete with impossible-to-resist pastry desserts.  They also took us out for an awesome steak fajitas lunch.  I skipped the rice and beans, but likely overate on the rest.  The meat was so tender and flavorful! The hotel had an exercise room, though, and we walked a lot touring around.  We will see what the scale shows this week, but my funky home scale doesn’t have a particularly frightening number on it.  It is all OK.  Everything is just grand in fact.  It is also good to be home.

L’Chaim!

.

I am back from my trip, and pleased to report that while my progress slowed (only a 1.6 pound loss in two weeks) it did not stall or reverse.  I enjoyed myself and indulged in 3 very large-for-me meals, two desserts, one martini, a half glass of wine, and a large sake.  (Not all on the same day!). I sat most of the day during the conference, but the food choices on the buffet line allowed me to choose just protein and veggies.   In Austin, it was restaurants and home-cooked meals, most of which were high calorie, but I walked a ton (23 miles!) and I used the stationary bike at the hotel.  This trip let me see what maintenance might be like: being careful with food most of the time, exercising often, and able to have an occasional drink or dessert.

I bought some new jeans a month or so ago, and they are already too baggy to wear.  I know that can be a fashion statement for some teen-aged boys, but for a 69 year old woman, not so much.   I think I will stick to pants with drawstrings until I get to my stopping weight.  At least someone will get some barely worn clothes when I donate them.

A real win was not having to ask for a seatbelt extender on the plane.  I see the knee surgeon in two weeks and hopefully will be scheduled for surgery.  I understand there is a wait of a few months so I want to get into the queue at least.

The conference was amazing, my presentation went well, and I made some new friends.  The theme was GLBTQ history within Unitarian Universalism and included many stories from the early days after Stonewall.  Some of the stories brought me to tears.  I joined my home church in the mid-90’s, so I mainly experienced acceptance and a warm welcome.  Unitarian Universalism struggled with the issue of gay clergy back in the 70’s and although both homophobia and heterosexism are still deeply embedded in the wider culture, gay and lesbian clergy now have little trouble being called to serve our congregations all around the country.  Transgender ministers still face some challenges, but we are working on that too, through education.

My heart just breaks for what happened in the Methodist Church this week.  The God I believe in is one of an all-embracing love.  Love, in all of its dimensions and in all of its forms, is a sacred gift, a “reflection of grace,” and of God’s love for all of creation.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down 1.6  pounds, drank maybe 5 gallons of water and I exercised for over 420 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 89 pounds.)

A gentle breeze on a hot day

Can be a welcome gift

A subtle rustling of refreshment

Drying our sweat

As evaporation works

Its miracle.

We give thanks for the wind.

On a hot beach

With a breeze less gentle

The sand blows into our eyes

The grit sticks to the lotion

We rubbed on to protect our skin.

We grumble and turn our faces away.

If we ignore the wind

Maybe it will stop.

The cold winter wind

Chills our bones

Our joints ache

As we pick our way

Down icy lanes

With coats, hats and gloves

A meager defense

So we claim a warm spot by a fire

And hunker down to hide

From the howling wind.

There are worse things the wind can do

Hurricanes blow our houses down

And bring the seas ashore.

Tornados turn everything to rumble

Splintering the lives

We once thought were safe.

We curse those winds

And wonder if our death is near.

Then a quiet day

Breathing in and out

Remembering that we are made

Of flesh and bone

Of water and of wind

A curse becomes a blessing

Filling our lungs with life

We give thanks, again,

For the wind.

I am getting back to my routine:  knowing how many calories I consume, exercising and noting the calories I am burning, and drinking lots of water.  This is all so much easier at home.  I admire the folks that do this program when they are still working or have small children.

My weight loss this week was almost too much at 2.6 pounds, but it was funny that at the weigh-in the scale first showed me 8 pounds down.  I was definitely a mistake, so I asked to do it again.  (I’d stepped on the scale before it finished cycling back to zero which confused it.  Ah technology – I love it.)

At group last night one man shared his 4 “W’s” which keep him on track so he doesn’t regain the weight he has lost.

• Water – drink lots of it.
• Weigh yourself – at least weekly.
• Watch what you eat – recording it is even better
• Walk – exercise

Easy to remember, but it can be harder to do.  I am doing really well on all of these, however, which must be why it is working.   According to my food app, I have logged everything I have eaten in the last 203 days.  My exercise stats are shown above.  Today I was tired, however, so only got on the bike for 30 minutes.  Every body needs a sabbath once in awhile.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down 2.6  pounds, drink at least 7 gallons of water and I exercised for over 590 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 91.6 pounds.)

I got a new jacket this week as my old one was so large it was ridiculous.  I got the new one a bit on the small side as I am planning to shrink-to-fit it better.  I am slowly learning how to shop for transition clothes.  Jeans only seem to fit for a few weeks before they threaten to fall off while I can still wear stretchy draw strings from when I was 90 pounds heavier. I really want a new swim suit soon, because I won’t be able to swim in any of my old ones.  They work OK in the hot tub where it doesn’t matter much if they are almost falling off.  If need be, if I don’t find a suit before we open the pool in the spring, it will have to just be a tee shirt and shorts for me.

Class was fun, although a LOT of people were missing this week.  Our regular facilitator was also out and Sarah, the program manager, led our group.  We did a very meaningful, go-around-the-room check-in and heard from a few people that rarely talk at all.  It was a pleasure watching Sarah draw them out.  We also did some stretching exercises, which reminded me that I need to get back into doing some of my physical therapy exercises for my arthritic shoulder.  It hurts, and not just because of the shingle’s shot I got this week.  A class member who recently had knee surgery kindly showed me some exercises I can start doing to prep for when I have it.  I see the knee doctor this Friday and hopefully will get on his schedule.  I am excited and a little apprehensive.

My weight this week was exactly the same as last week.  No worries though.  My exercise intensity was significantly less this last week, so it makes sense.  That I can blame on the shingles shot.  Excuses are sometimes valid.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – same as last week, drank at least 7 gallons of water and I exercised for over 515 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 91.6 pounds.)

I got a new, more accurate, scale this week, based on encouragement from the group last week.  Since I love high tech stuff, I got one that will sync with my FitBit app.  It averages my weight for each time and day that I step onto it, and generates a trend line so I know what direction I am going.  Ah data!  There can never be enough.

It probably wasn’t due to my new home scale, but at weigh-in tonight I was down 5.1 pounds from last week.  See?  Last week’s weigh-in with no loss wasn’t an issue at all.

My meeting with the knee doctor was somewhat disappointing.  He wants me to lose another 15 pounds before he will schedule me for surgery.  This is not a big problem as I can do that in another 2-3 months and I don’t want to do the surgery until the fall anyway.  In fact, after this last week, I am one third of the way there already.

The appointment still feels like a bummer, and I am not really sure why.  At least I can just email him when I reach the weight he wants and I won’t need to make another appointment before being scheduled for surgery.  And it also isn’t like I thought I was done with this weight loss journey.  I guess I expected him to just say,”wonderful, let’s get you on the list.” Managing hopeful exceptions is not always easy.

Neither is managing this weight loss.  Every time I lose a few pounds, my calorie budget goes down in all my apps (and in reality too!).  I am always either adjusting my intake with food or my expenditure of calories with exercise.  Flexible,  that’s me.  Hah!

Last night, based on a participant’s request, we talked about strategies for dealing with things like conferences and buffet lines.  One man said he doesn’t participate at all and tells his friends, “I am leaving during the meals because I would want to eat it all.”  I loved this.  No guilt, no shame – just honesty.  Another man talked about deciding to go the Sizzler, and to just enjoy that buffet.  AND he counted the calories and made sure to get back on track the very next day.  Others drank extra water during conferences, or decided before hand that they would only take protein, fruit, and veggies from the buffet line.  If you know your trigger foods, it can help to avoid them completely.  Buffet food is also rarely all that delicious, so becoming more discerning and only eating the highest quality items can help too. Mass produced desserts are rarely very good and are loaded with fairly empty calories.  Some people also took protein bars to substitute for some of the meals.  Good tips, all of them, and I think everyone learned something they can use in the future.

We also talked about accountability, and what it means to us. This blog is one way I stay accountable both to myself and to my circle of family and friends.  Writing about this journey each week helps me, and I hope it might help others.  We all need companions and supporters, cheerleaders even, along the way if we are going to get to where we want to be.

One small part of the conversation last night disturbed me.  One of our group was feeling bad, like a complete failure, because she had been gaining a lot of weight back.  I know it was not meant the way it sounded, but the facilitator made a comment later that “studies show that if you feel like a failure, you will fail.”  For someone feeling hopeless, this was not the best thing to say.

I also realized how protective I feel toward everyone in our group, even those I hardly know, but especially those I have grown to love.  Like I have said before, the bond is strong and my mama bear personna can get riled up in an instant.

Hope IS a powerful motivator, and I know that if we cannot visualize success or even progress, then everything becomes harder.  If you are feeling a lot of guilt or shame, odds are you aren’t liking yourself very much, and who wants to put in the energy to take care of someone they don’t like?  I hate all that.  I hate that it happens and that people are made to feel that way by our culture and by the thoughtless remarks by even people who mean well.

I also know this journey has been easier for me than for many people.  I don’t have the long history of dieting, of losing and then regaining, that so many others have experienced.  Failure is not something I expected to happen.  I wasn’t SURE it would work, but I had a strong faith that it could.  I also never felt particularly shameful or guilty about being fat.  (Although I was sometimes shamed by others).  I was also an over-eater but not a binge eater.  These things have made it much easier for me.  I am grateful for that relative ease, knowing also that “easy” is not what this has been like, even for me.

Damn, I just wish we could all love ourselves fiercely just as we are, fat, thin, whatever.  The God I believe in loves us in just that way.  Then, if we want to make changes, for our health or for whatever, we can do it in the spirit of love, do it for our bodies and for ourselves.

“How could anyone ever tell us, we are anything less than beautiful.”  If they do, we need to tell them to shut the F-up.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – Down 5.1 pounds, drank at least 7 gallons of water and I exercised for over 555 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 96.7 pounds.)

Swim season is starting and while I haven’t found a new suit yet, I was able to take in some swim shorts which I can use with a swim top that has ties.  I am pretty sure it won’t fall off!

I have set a goal of 5000 steps a day – most of which I do by walking around the house.  It isn’t a whole lot, but is more than I was doing before, and it is what I can do with my knees.   Walking inside also avoids the risk of falling on uneven ground.  When you add in the stationary bike time, and, next week, the swimming, I will be burning a fair number of calories and hopefully getting in even better physical shape.

The group was tiny tonight, only 6 or so folks, but at least everyone got a chance to talk.  We talked about meal planning.  Everybody is different, and I am just going to continue doing what is working for me.  I have the same breakfast every morning of yogurt and fruit. I vary my lunch; a sandwich, eggs, or a spinach/shrimp salad.  I have a late afternoon snack, usually fresh fruit and some protein like low fat mozzarella cheese sticks.  I eat a Costco protein bar around 8:30 in the evening.  After I enter the calories for the day, my app adds all them up, and adds in an exercise “bonus.”  I  then I know how much I can eat for dinner.  I usually have 500-600 calories left, so dinner is my biggest meal.  I am rarely hungry except right before a meal.

Tonight was also an “almost milestone.”  I have lost almost 100 pounds since I began this journey 11 months ago.  Only 43 to go before I will no longer in the “medically obese” category.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – Down 3 pounds, drank at least 7 gallons of water and I exercised for over 635 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 99.7 pounds.)

One of the motivational tools Kaiser uses in the program is the “Passport.”

You earn “stamps” for attending the weekly meetings, exercise (420 minutes or 70,000 steps each week), and recording your daily food/calorie intake.  Once you get 18 “stamps,” you can turn the completed passport in and once a quarter there is a drawing for $20 Whole Foods gift cards.  I love prizes; they can help motivate me.  I increased my exercise minutes in order to earn that “stamp” each week.  The other two (meetings and recording) I was already doing.  I have actually been recording what I eat each day since August 18th of last year.  Yes, some guesswork is involved, especially when eating away from home, but I record every single bite.

So…..this last quarter was the first time I had completed passports included in the drawing………………………………………………………….

and the winner is….

Yay!  Of course, $20 at Whole Foods would be worth $30 at any other grocery store, but who am I to argue with free?

We opened the pool this week and I went swimming twice.  I think I will also continue at least some time of the exercise bike as it will help get my legs ready for knee surgery.

This week class was again tiny, with only 6 people showing up.  We had a good discussion though, mainly about making contingency plans when challenges surface.  Do we avoid movies because the popcorn smells are hard to handle?  We also had a long discourse on donuts, that ever popular office goodie.  Planning is critical.  We can’t change others or the world.  (Well, maybe we CAN change the world.  Activism has an impact.  Voting matters.)

But sometimes we plan, and the gods just laugh.  I was SO sure I would have achieved the milestone of a hundred pound weight loss this week.  I mean, I had only 1/3 of a pound to go.  But it wasn’t to be as my weight was actually up slightly this week.  Next week though, I hope to join the CENTURY CLUB!

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – Up .7 of a pound, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 650 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 99 pounds.)

On any journey, there are milestones.  They aren’t end-points, but a chance to catch your breath and realize how far you have come.  (Are we there yet, Mom?) This week, I made it into the Century Club. (I made that name up and am looking for more members.)

Since beginning this program a little less than a year ago, I have lost a total of 102 pounds.  Always an overachiever, I pushed myself this week to make sure I made it after one week of being so very close at 99.7 and another where I had a slight (.7) gain.  So with a bit more exercise and a little less food, I  got there this week.

This isn’t an end-point.  My journey is not done.  I still need to lose 5 more pounds before I can schedule knee surgery and 40 more pounds will get me out of the “obese” category.  But really, 100 pounds is a lot!

It is kind of hard to realize I was lifting that much weight, each and every day, all day long.

I am lighter, but learned this week that I am also less buoyant.  We opened the pool last week

and when I got in, it felt like I sunk like a stone.  I kept getting water up my nose.  Apparently all the fat kept me afloat and could just flail my arms and legs to move through the water.  Now I need to really swim.  For now, I am using my snorkel set because I hate water up my nose.  I understand it is used as a form of torture.

It was another small group last night, with only seven of us there.  Since I’d reached my milestone, the facilitator asked my to share some of what has allowed me to succeed.  I see it that way, as something “allowed” not just accomplished.  It is mainly a gift of circumstance, with some luck and a lot of grace thrown in.  And yes. it has also been mixed with some fairly gritty determination and strong motivation.

Weird thing is, it is getting easier.  I now know what my body needs to be healthy.  I understand the science – and the math.  Those last 5 and 40 pounds may just melt away.  Not that I am going to relax my focus and concentration, because my old habits could come back.  But one hundred pounds in one year is something to celebrate.  Can I get a hallelyah?

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – Down 3.8 pounds, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 655 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 102.7 pounds.)

I never really related

To Job and his wailing

He was so self-righteous

A lucky man

For much of his life

Thinking he deserved it.

So much better I think

To receive blessings later in life

When you can appreciate them

And know in your gut

How lucky you are.

Mazel Tov

Every week another miracle seems to come my way!  This week, my doctor took me off of ALL of my prescription medications!  I almost feel a little guilty because I am getting so many rewards from my weight loss.  It doesn’t happen for everyone.  Weight is only one factor correlated to health, and it isn’t necessarily even a direct correlation. (math terms again!)  Fat people can be healthy and skinny people can be unwell.  For me, though, the weight loss is having a huge positive impact on my health.

I am counting my blessings that this has been true for me.   These results will also help me have the discipline to keep the weight off once I am done losing.

Last night we just had seven people again at the group.  One thing, though, about a smaller group is that you get to know people better – at least the ones who talk.  Two people did not say a word, however.  I still hate that.

We talked about strategies for “what if” situations.  My favorite was “what do you do if someone wants to buy you a long island iced tea?”  My response, which made everyone laugh, was to “ask for a martini instead.”  We then discussed the calories in olives.  (10 each for garlic stuffed queens).  2 or even 3 olives are just fine.

We also talked about what to do when “drift” happens, when one meal, one day, turns into 3 or 4 or a week.  So far, I have only exceeded my daily calorie goal once in awhile and on purpose.  I make up for the overage either before or the next day.  Several of us agreed that this program has been enough work that we DON’t want to have to do it again.  It is hard, though, and like quitting smoking, some people have to try more than once before they are successful.  The rewards along the way have helped me, and as I said, not everyone receives those same rewards.  No guilt!  No blame!  I just don’t want my friends to drop out completely.  I will miss them to much.

Our road trip to General Assembly this summer will be more of a challenge for me.  I have a weakness for the fried oysters one can find on the Oregon coast, and we will be eating most of our dinners out.  I won’t have them every night, but I will have them some.  I can easily skip the sides of fries that usually come with them, though. We are taking a cooler and will have healthy breakfast, lunches, and snacks with us, so hopefully I will at least maintain during the trip.  Planning is (almost) everything.  As I said, my motivation could not be stronger.

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – Down 1.0 pound, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 660 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 103.7 pounds.)

It has been a full year since I started this journey, so it was time for another before/after pic.

In this year, I have turned into an exercise nut, lost over 100 pounds, ditched my C-Pap machine, and ALL my prescription meds.  My body is in good shape except for my knees, but surgery should fix them before too long.  I’d like to lose another 40 pounds, which feels totally doable at this point, and I certainly don’t want to gain any weight back.  The health benefits I have achieved have been simply too miraculous.  I saw my regular doctor this week, for an unrelated minor issue, and she was amazed with the changes she could literally see.  She said that my motivation and dedication has been impressive.  So nice to have a doctor express such a positive message rather than what was before primarily concern.

There were 9 of us tonight at the meeting, and at the end, when one person had not spoken at all, I asked him if he had anything to say,  He did!  As a program participant and not a facilitator, I don’t have to be at all tentative.  The group dynamic is so important and me being the class clown sometimes seems to help when the discussion is lagging.  Plus, I just can’t help myself.  I loved it that after the meeting someone I don’t know that well reached out for a spontaneous hug.

A couple of us had reached out to some our original cohort members who had not attended for awhile.  One of them came! It was so great to see her!  She promised to come next week too.

We talked some more about “drifting” and someone came up with a nautical image of being at sea without a rudder.  This equates to being “off plan” and not having a quick and easy way to reset your direction to where you want to go.  The danger of not having a rudder is that you might drift into the open sea and never reach land.

What being  off or on plan varies by individual.  Some can have a meal or a day when they chose to eat less sensibly, and the next meal or day, they are back on course.  Kind of like stopping and dropping anchor to do some snorkeling and look at all the pretty fish.  For others they need to stay always on board, with their hands on the wheel.

This is so much harder for people with young children or with adult family members who aren’t particularly supportive.  It doesn’t bother me when Anne eats her sweets or chips, but some people may need to ask their family members to not eat ice cream right in front of them.  It can also be harder with extended family members, particularly if they are older.  Neither Anne of I have any surviving parents or siblings, which is not exactly an advantage in the larger scheme of things, but it does make things easier to be the “respected elders.”  I can tell my adult children and nieces and nephews what I need them to do to help me with this program and they (mostly) listen and do what I say.  We are going out to dinner tonight with one of our sons.  I will ask both him and my wife not to order any appetizers (which are really hard for me in restaurants) and I am completely confident that they will comply.

Family members NEED to be supportive if they want us to be healthy and live longer.  IT is one important way they tell us that they love us.  I DID suggest last night that some people might want to play the guilt card fairly heavily in order to bring their family members in-line.  “What, you want me to die?  You are literally killing me!  Get that damn ice cream OUT of the house!”

We also talked about “de-cluttering” and how messy apartments or houses or kitchens with no counter space, refrigerators and freezers stuffed with things that aren’t so great for us to eat, can all increase our stress levels and make staying on course much harder.  Luckily, I have Anne who is a compulsive neat-nik.   Everyone needs a wife like her I think.

I was up a tad this week, (.6 of a pound) which was due not so much to what I did this last week, but what I did not do in the last couple of days.  It may be TMI, but more prunes will be in my food plan this coming week.

Go boldly where others have gone before.  Mind your rudder, steer that ship.  Land Ahoy!

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – up .6 pound, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 620 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is 103.1 pounds.)

Let’s start with a responsive reading. Please turn to #650 in the back of the gray hymnal.  Your part is in Italics.

Cherish your Doubts, by Robert T. Weston

Cherish your doubts, for doubt is the handmaiden of truth.
Doubt is the key to the door of knowledge; it is the servant of discovery.
A belief which may not be questioned binds us to error,
for there is incompleteness and imperfection in every belief.
Doubt is the touchstone of truth; it is an acid which eats away the false.
Let no one fear for the truth, that doubt may consume it;
for doubt is a testing of belief.
The truth stands boldly and unafraid; it is not shaken by the testing;
For truth, if it be truth, arises from each testing stronger, more secure.
Those that would silence doubt is filled with fear;
their houses are built on shifting sands.
But those who fear not doubt, and know its use are founded on rock.
They shall walk in the light of growing knowledge;
the work of their hands shall endure.
Therefore let us not fear doubt, but let us rejoice in its help:
It is to the wise as a staff to the blind; doubt is the handmaiden of truth.

I’ve always loved that reading.  It helps keep me from being too sure of myself; from thinking I have all the answers.  Sorry to say, not one of us has all the answers, which is why we are called to continually engage in our 4^thprinciple, a free and responsible search for truth and meaning.  Curiosity is an essential part of the practice of our faith.  We are the type of people that just have to sample the fruit from the tree of knowledge.

Bonnie Withers, in Owning Your Religious Path,says that(Many) “Unitarian Universalists come into the denomination from other religions; often there have been several stops along the path into our congregations. Some bring with them angry and unresolved feelings about experiences in other religious institutions, others have warm memories. Some move easily into an identity as a Unitarian Universalist; others experience a traumatic estrangement from family and from the center of their culture.

We can be most fully and completely present in our religious identity when we see our path as a continuum rather than a series of unrelated episodes. Because we are usually more certain of what we left in another religion than what we bring forward from it, (it can help to) establish connections, bridges, and resonances between (our) past and present.”

A religious path can take many twists and turns. It is a journey that I think never ends but continues for our whole lives and perhaps even beyond death.  Those that believe in reincarnation believe that. Personally, I am not sure what happens after we die, but I believe that if our souls do live on that they will continue to change and grow, that we will also find ourselves arriving at new and different understandings.

But even if our path toward spiritual understanding has no definite end, it usually has a beginning.

Most of us can remember a time when we had some sense of the divine, of mystery, a time when we began looking for answers, for something that would give our lives meaning, something that would help us make sense of all the chaos, of all the pain and confusion that we saw around us. We may have been struck with awe at something in the natural world; we may have gazed in wonder at the stars or a new born baby’s face.  We may even have experienced that within the walls of a religious institution.

We all have a religious past, even those of us who did not grow up in any faith tradition.

Just out of curiosity, which is the monthly theme after all, how many of you here today did not regularly attend religious services before you entered your teens?

How many of you grew up UU?  Jewish? Liberal Christian?  Catholic? Conservative Christian, including Mormon?  Other religions?

Most of us here have experienced other faith traditions.  We have memories of them. Some of those memories are good ones, but others might be haunting us in ways we might not even understand.  Particularly for people who were hurt by a religion or by a religious community, anything that reminds them of that can be incredibly painful. I have heard stories from people whose religious leader mentioned them specifically in a prayer in a way that made them feel sinful and wrong.

If our worship service includes a prayer, it might make them nervous as a result of that past.

Others have been judged, shamed, and shunned by their religious community when they expressed disagreement or doubt. Some people, even though they may have rejected the concept of an angry God, still feel some fear when the word God is used.

How can we honor our diverse religious pasts, care for those among us who have been wounded, and move forward together as a community of love and acceptance?

First, I think we need to acknowledge the pain. The hurt some of us knew in other communities is real and it was wrong.  There has been abuse, physical and sexual, and perhaps the most damaging of all, spiritual abuse.  Too many times our innocent hopes, dreams, and spiritual yearnings have been shattered by the actions of humans and, yes, by demeaning and damaging theologies.

So, if you have been hurt in any of those ways, please know that it was wrong.  Please know that you are loved just the way you are, by God if you believe in God, and by those who really do try to love their neighbors as themselves.

Please know too, that others here can relate to those feelings and fears.  For myself, I avoided all churches for almost 30 years and even after I found a Unitarian Universalist church, I still freaked out some if God or Jesus were mentioned in the service in a positive way.

I am not in that place anymore.

Part of what I did was to consciously reclaim the good things from the religion I grew up in.  It wasn’t a terribly coercive one, so maybe it was easier for me than it has been or will be for some of you.

I was raised in the First Christian Church, which is now part of the Disciples of Christ. I was baptized by full immersion at around age 8 and said yes when I was asked if I took Jesus Christ as my lord and savior. But as mainline Christian Churches go, there wasn’t a lot you had to believe in order to belong; no creed but Christ was their motto. I did not have to worry about the virgin birth or literal interpretations of the Bible.  Sunday school was Bible stories, singing songs like “Yes, Jesus loves me,” and memorizing Bible passages.  I got a prize once, of a small plastic glow in the dark cross.  I loved it!

I left the church in my teen-aged years, shortly after the experience I spoke of earlier.  I had questions, doubts. Was I somehow so fundamentally flawed that I needed saving more than once? It seriously creeped me out and I began drifting away.  Somewhat later, although still in my teens, when I realized I was a lesbian, I knew the church would not accept that part of me. I felt somewhat relieved that I had left before they decided to kick me out.

But as I have grown into my Unitarian Universalist faith, I have reconciled that experience, and come to understand that I also received gifts in my childhood church home, things that were much more important than a glow-in-the-dark cross.  I heard of a loving God and a gentle Jesus.

I learned about the quiet comfort of prayer. I leaned about service to the church as I helped my mother prepare the communion that we shared each Sunday. Grape juice and unsalted crackers, tiny little cups and paper doilies, it represented the Holy and once baptized, I too was allowed to participate. We washed all the little cups afterward by hand. It felt like important work.  I think it was.

I loved the singing, and I still love to hear the old songs, even though they do not express my current theology.  Milton will be playing a couple of them later in the service.

They are happy songs to me, songs about being loved and held.

If you can reclaim some of the good things from your personal religious history you might just find them comforting.  If you grew up Catholic you might find lighting candles particularly meaningful.   Be curious about why.  What do you like about our worship services that resonates with the positives from your religious past.  What feels like it might be missing? Do you yearn for silence, for prayer, for shouting, for incense, for bells, for calling out amen or hallelujah during the sermon?  We are all different, with different histories, and I wonder sometimes, I am curious about, whether we can, as a congregation, tolerate a wider diversity of worship styles.

Our current worship practices are not tied to our Unitarian Universalist theology so much as they are to the white, upper class, New England culture of the early Unitarian Church. The Universalists were not nearly so heady, being mainly farmers and working folks.

For those of you who left behind a religion that caused you pain, acknowledge the bad things, the things that moved you to leave. Those were real.   You can feel good about your decision to try something different, just as you can feel good about sticking with your childhood faith if that is what you have done.

Cherish your doubts as it said in the earlier responsive reading. Doubt will help us move into the light of growing knowledge and understanding.

But cherish your history as well because if nothing else it has brought you to where you are today.

When I served our congregation in Ogden Utah we had a lay sermon series where our church members shared about what they learned from their childhood faith tradition.  It included those who grew up Unitarian Universalist and also those who grew up without any faith at all.  There was only one rule.  They could not say anything bad about their prior faith.  Those that participated found that speaking about the positives was a good way to begin healing from old wounds.

Those of us who listened learned not only about the people who were speaking, but it gave us ideas about what we might want to do differently as a congregation, both in worship, and in our social justice work.

Our hearts can be in a Holy Place, and we can be like that lone wild bird, held by the spirit in a way that is beyond words. “Great Spirit come and rest in me.”

Those words remind me of the yearning I felt as a young teen, standing in the back of a sanctuary, wondering if I dared go forward, wondering if I could possibly be worthy, because my spirit really was longing to be made whole.

And now, I know, deep in my heart, that this faith tells me we are already whole.  This religion is an expansive one with plenty of room for our yearnings, for our curiosity, our doubts, and for what feeds our spirits.

During the offering time, if you come up to light a candle or if you just sit quietly, I invite you to reflect some on your own religious history.  Acknowledge the bad if there has been hurt there, but also try to see what good you might have put aside in order to avoid pain, things that could still have positive meaning for you.  Be curious about it.

Our closing hymn will be about laying some of the burdens we carry down.  That song always makes me feel like dancing.  I hope it does the same for you.  Amen and blessed be.

I am not sure why, but this morning I had Tennyson’s poem, “The Charge of the Light Brigade”, running through my brain. (His poem is at the end of this post.) I must have memorized it sometime in school.  When I weighed my self this morning, I was down a half of a pound from yesterday.  Then this happened:

Half a pound, half a pound

Half a pound downward,

All in the valley of Life

Moved the six hundred

“Downward, the Weight Brigade

Head for the scale”, she said

Into the valley of Life

Went the six hundred

Cookies to the right of them,

French Fries to the left of them,

Ice Cream in front of them

That’s as far as I got, but it is more than enough isn’t it?  Maybe I am missing those who have fallen by the wayside while some of us continue.  I miss my buds who started this program with me more than a year ago.  Maybe it is also because of the news, because there is a war on – a war against women, against people of color, against GLBT people, and against our very planet.  We need courage, lots of courage.  We need heart.  Ours is but to do and live.  We cannot let Glory fade.

Enough, it is am unseasonal rainy day here.

A flock of turkeys flew up to our neighbor’s roof this morning.  Sometimes one can look out at a distant horizon, and feel that they are all alone.  But very nearby (gobble, gobble, look to your right) there just might be a whole flock of friends.

Much of this work is solitary.  Counting calories, exercising, just staying on track. I look at my stats everyday.

My resting heart rate up, which is good as it was depressed below normal by the medication I no longer have to take.  Figuring out how to adjust the various goals based upon my changing weight is, for me at least, necessary mental work.  Doing the math, I realized that I needed to change my calorie burn goal.  The old one was becoming impossible to meet as my resting metabolic rate was decreasing.  Larger bodies use more calories just by being alive. The step goal is hard, with my knee crumbling, but I still increased my daily goal by 900 steps. The cortisone shot I will get tomorrow will help.  Surgery will most likely be in October.  I am getting ready to dance!

This week I moved from Obese Class II down to Obese Class I.  I hate those charts, but will take every chance to celebrate that I can get.  30 more pounds and the charts will show me as merely overweight. I will see where to go from there once I get there.  If it stays this easy, I made continue to lose.   I might even become “normal”.  Nah, not a chance on that, no matter how thin I might become.

We had 10 people in group last night, which felt like a crowd after all the skimpy  turnouts.  The facilitator asked us to rate on a scale of 1-10 what we felt was our most successful time in the program and also where we are now.  The answers varied, with most feeling like they were more successful when on the full meal replacements.  The meal replacements were easier, it is true; no thought was required.  During that phase I was, as it says on the tee shirts my cohort gave me,”100% compliant. ”  Last night, however, I said I feel more successful now, because I don’t have to be as regimented.  I can have an occasional dessert – or a martini.  It feels more real, and I enjoy eating actual food rather than only chemical constructions.

I did go on a rant last night about Nestle being an “evil corporation.”  I mentioned the boycott that started in the 70’s because of their aggressive marketing of baby formula in poor countries, to the detriment of babies and their families.  Information about that boycott is here.

Another article about Nestle is more varied, has some positives about them, and also includes the concerns about their bottled water business practices. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nestlé

All that said, no judgment on those who still need the Nestle’s products to stay successful.  We all do what we need to do.  (I feel like my body needs meat, although my ethics tell me than being a vegetarian or vegan would be better for the world.)  I am just glad I don’t need to use the Nestle’s stuff anymore.  Most evenings I have either a Kind Bar (5 grams of protein) or a Pure Protein Bar (20 grams of protein), which are a sweet treat for me at 200 calories.  I also carry them in my purse if I get caught hungry somewhere with limited food options available.

We each have to look toward our individual horizons, and figure out how we can get to where we want to go, but it is also wonderful to be part of a whole flock of friends!  Let’s fly above the rooftops!

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down 2.4 pounds, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 745 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is more than 112.7 pounds.)

(I got some new exercise clothes!  My old ones were getting super-baggy.  It feels good to have a few things that fit.)

I have been thinking more about goals lately.  Stretch goals, the ones that you need to work at, are important, but they also need to be achievable.  There have been times in my life, in various careers and situations, where I set out to do something that seemed impossible at the beginning.  I helped organize a line management association at Social Security, and eventually we convinced the agency in add a new workload to our large inner city office, which saved jobs.  We also got upgrades for several position that were under classified.  We didn’t know we could accomplish all of that when we started, but as we organized, the path became clearer.  We worked hard and we did what needed to be done.  We started small, mainly just securing invitations to participate in important meetings.

Ministry offered many opportunities to set goals and to meet them.  Stewardship campaigns were a yearly exercise in trying to increase the motivation to give.  For that, it helped most to celebrate the success we had already seen, leading to the hope that even more could be done.  Stretch goals were good there too.

When we wanted to pass a local non-discrimination ordinance In Ogden, Utah, it meant getting people to the city council meetings, hundreds of emails and phone calls, writing opinion pieces and letters to the editor, and it meant networking with many other groups and individuals.  It took us a full year, and although we were discouraged more than once, we got it done.

Going back farther, in junior high I realized I needed a scholarship if I was going to be able to go to college.  With that motivation, and some luck, ability, and hard work, I got straight A’s, aced my SAT’s and earned a full 4 year scholarship to UC Berkeley.  My life has been like that.  We wanted kids, and that took some serious planning for lesbians back in the 1980’s.  I could go on, but when I think about it, I am not all surprised at the success I have had in this weight loss program.  When I decide to do something, I work hard at it.  Success is never guaranteed of course, and luck, (and friends!) helps, but the hard work is always necessary.  I know how to work hard and to keep focussed on a goal.

Almost every week the facilitator tells the group that they need to commit to doing at least one thing that will get them back on track.  The assumption seems to be that most people aren’t “on track.” Maybe that is true.  It isn’t for me or for a couple of other people in the group, but that is OK.

We talked about plant based diets last night.  (11 people were there, including 2 new and quite delightful people).  I would like to be a vegetarian for all kinds of reasons, but right now, I am sticking with meat which gives me more protein for the calories than plant based proteins would do.  The protein keeps me from being hungry while I continue to lose weight.  We will see what I can do about eating less or no meat when I get done with losing weight and am simply maintaining. I am no longer diabetic, so the extra carbs in plant proteins wouldn’t be that much of an issue for me.

I adjust all my goals often to make them ones I need to work toward, but are also achievable.  I increased my step goal slightly so that I can make it every day, but sometimes need to work at it.  I decreased my calorie burn goal because it was way too high, and I could rarely meet it.

My FitBit went a bit nuts on Tuesday and I had to reboot it.  The swim function disappeared when I was about to get in the pool and “pilates” showed up instead of “swim”.  I don’t even know what pilates are.  The reboot worked and all is well, but I HATE IT when technical glitches happen!

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down  2.7 pounds, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over  705 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is more than 115.4 pounds.)

I have begun the task of getting rid of clothes that no longer fit because they are too big.  This is so much more fun than the times I have gotten rid of things that were too small.  It is a daunting task, but one I need to do.  Those large clothes take up so much space!  Packing for a trip is also easier now as I can get a lot more outfits in a suitcase.  A “Large” is so much smaller than a 3x.  This is a non-scale victory for sure!

We had 10 people in group last night, with the facilitator asking us what we thought a pipe dream was.  My first thought was that it is a drug induced fantasy.  When I googled it, I found out the term came from the 19th century and opium dreams, so my 1960’s sensibilities held me in good stead once again, getting a definition just right. One man had an interesting definition, involving looking through a long pipe, kind of like a spyglass, so that you could visualize a goal without seeing all the distractions that surround you.  I love the creativity that can surface in our group in images like that.  We then talked about things we thought we could never do, things that we believed were impossible.  People talked about dance classes, pilgrimages in Spain, 5k walk/runs, and European walking tours.  Some of those things we are actually doing now, and others are in reach.

One woman said she never thought she could succeed in the program, and was discouraged now because she was gaining the lost weight back.  I wish she would have been asked what might help her get back on track.  I did catch her afterward and chatted some.  This journey is a hard and emotional one.  It is so easy to step off the trail, sit down to rest for just a minute, only to find yourself in free fall down the mountain’s side.   If one of your friends throws down a rope to you, maybe you can grab it and haul yourself up again.  I carry a lot of ropes in my backpack.

Depression, discouragement, and grief are really common.  Food, overeating, has been such a source of comfort for so many of us, it is hard to give that comfort up.  There is also grief and loss involved with losing weight. With every change, even positive ones, something is also lost and it is important, I think,  to grieve that loss.  New parents can be thrilled at having a child, but they might also need to grieve the loss of the freedom from responsibility they once enjoyed.

Some depression on this journey is normal as we grieve the lifestyle and self we have left.  If we stick with the program, we know that we won’t be able, ever again, to eat whatever we want, whenever we want. We will need to stay mindful of what our bodies actually need, not just what might taste or feel good in the moment. This will be a huge change for the rest of our lives.  I have grieved the loss of the “fat and happy me.” I am almost done with that now, I think, as I have fallen in love with the new, energetic, healthier me. And yes, I have occasional food “treats” after a year in the program, but I plan for them, count the calories, and don’t overdo anything. So I am not the old me anymore, and I am cleaning out my closets.

One last note.  This morning I got this reading on the scale.

I think I am ready for the challenge of a road trip!  We leave on Sunday for who knows how many weeks.  I will try and blog when I can.  It might be hard to continue my current weight loss pattern of 1-2 pounds per week with restaurant meals, but I am determined at the very least to not gain anything back during my time away.  I am packing my scale so I can make sure of that!

L’Chaim!

(My stats for the last week – down  1.5 pounds, drank at least 7 gallons of water and exercised for over 870 minutes.  My cumulative weight loss so far is more than 119.6 pounds.)

We got back home and I realized I actually live in a place where people pay big bucks to go on vacation.  I did so much walking while we were gone, I thought I would try it here.  I have a new routine now I think.  I walk for 45-80 minutes mid-morning before it gets hot and try to do it again after dinner.  You can’t beat the views from my neighborhood and the flowers are all in bloom.

It is very hilly here and although the downhills slow me down some because I am afraid of falling if my knee gives out.  I am getting to be an expert with my cane, but will be really glad when I no longer need it. Uphills are much easier, and I don’t have to stop to catch my breath or rest like I did before.

Standing without moving is still hard, though.  I went to a local protest against the current administration’s draconian immigration policies.  I did the short march around a block in downtown Novato and could have done more walking, but I was glad that I found a place to sit to listen to the speakers.

I was back at the group last night for the first time in a month and had my official weigh in.  I lost 9.6 pounds during the month I was on vacation.  I am slowly getting used to my new body, but at least I seem to be on track with the lifestyle change.  I want to lose another 12 pounds or so before my knee surgery and right now, that seems like a fairly easy goal.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am still not getting my gallon of water in most days, my bladder needs time to adjust back up to that volume.  My Fitbit report shows 109,110 steps last week for over 46 miles – up from last week.  I ate approximately 11,000 calories and burned 18,693. I am down another pound for a total loss of 129.2.

I know now

About rebirth

And resurrection

Both are hard work

Blessings that may come

Only after old habits die

Hard

So hard

The stones that block

Our path

Partly of our own making

We need help to chip away

Those boulders

It helps to work

Up a sweat

Trying to climb over them

It helps to have friends

To lend a hand

A leg up

Rebirth

Resurrection

It is springtime once again

There are flowers

Among the rocks

Shrinking,  I am shrinking.  Or melting, who knows?  It has been pretty hot on some of my walks.  It is important to get out early.  I have been trying to do two walks most days, a longer one in the morning, a shorter one after dinner, and I like to swim in between.  Being retired gives me the time to do that almost every day.

This week my wife Anne gave me some of her clothes that are too big for her.  They fit!  This is amazing because I used to weigh 3 times as much as her.    I still weigh more, but no longer even twice as much.

I am still not getting my gallon of water in most days.  Does that make a difference? I have reduced my percentage of protein, so maybe it is OK as far as my kidney health goes. I haven’t felt really hungry, even though I ate a bit less last week, so I don’t need as much water to feel full.

The good and scary news this week is that my knee surgery is now scheduled.  September 16th.  I am excited and somewhat apprehensive.  From what I have heard doing the rehab is the most critical part.  I think I can do that given that I already have an exercise routine.  I won’t be able to swim of course, so swim season will end early for me this year.  But maybe after the surgery, I can ditch my cane on my walks.  I don’t use it indoors, unless there is a crowd.

I went to an earlier group tonight with a facilitator I had before that I like a lot.  She is leaving for another job in a couple of weeks and there will be someone new.  The time is much better for me.  I was even able to take a short walk when I got home.

I liked the new group a lot.  I missed people from the other group, but it was also good to hear some new stories.  The support and sharing is so important.

It upsets me that so many people have dropped out, but I guess that is typical.  Apparently 95% of people who diet to lose weight, gain all the lost weight back in a few years.   Kaiser’s record is somewhat better but the “failure” rate is still high.  Sticking with the lifestyle changes seem to be the most important factor in success.  Maybe it is good I am still so compulsive about this.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 72 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 101,769 steps last week for over 43 miles – down some from last week.  I ate approximately 8,996 calories and burned 18,227 for a deficit of 9231. I am down another 2.4 pounds for a total loss of 131.6

Have you checked

Your sources?

Do you know

Why you believe

What you believe?

Have you seen it

With eyes your own?

Has the Holy

Whispered softly

Into your waiting ears?

Does science validate

Your theories

And logic wrap them ’round?

What do ancient

Scriptures teach?

Do the religions

Of the world agree?

Who are your heroes?

What would Jesus say or

Harriet Tubman think?

And through it all

The mystery

The seasons change

Summer fades to fall

When spring time comes

The daffodils

Will startle you again.

Your human heart will open

With love and hope reborn

There is always more to learn.

Most of us are pretty familiar with the seven principles of Unitarian Universalism.  If you are not, they are listed in the front of your hymnal.

Our principles are guides for living, an ethical framework for how we are called to live our lives.  They are what our member congregations have promised to promote.  We care about the worth and dignity of all, about justice, equity and compassion, about spiritual growth, a free and responsible search for truth and meaning, the democratic process, creating an inclusive and world-wide community, and last, but never least, we have respect for our planet.  All of those things are under threat today.

But why do we care about those things that are in our seven principles? What do we use in our searches for truth and meaning?  How and why do we work for justice?

The answers to those questions are, I believe, contained within our six sources. The sources are also listed in your hymnals.  They quite literally define Unitarian Universalism’s unique place in the world of ideas and world religions.  I quote, “The living tradition we share draws from many sources.”

Living is a key word here, as well as is the word tradition.  Our sources are from our history; they are where we came from.  But even more importantly, they are what we can use to find out where we are going.

Sometimes our sources are listed simply as a series of nouns:

• Self (or Experience)
• Prophets (or Prophecy)
• World religions
• Judaism/Christianity
• Humanism
• Paganism

The Rev. Paul Oakley has said that the verbs are more important; that the sources are also asking us to do things, specifically to:

Renew our spirits and be open

Confront evil with justice, compassion, love

Be inspired in our ethical and spiritual lives

Love our neighbors as ourselves

Be guided by reasonand avoid making idols of ways of thinking, being, and doing

Celebrate life and live in harmony with nature

Oakley says our sources are not just history, but “the wellsprings from which we irrigate our vineyards, the cups from which we wet our parched mouths.”

These sources are incredibly rich, every single one of them.

I want to encourage all of you to look at them and think about them, long term members as well as the newer folks. Some of the sources may have little personal meaning for you at this time.  That used to be true for me.  But if you pay a little more attention to those sources that haven’t moved you in the past, I think you may be surprised at what you will discover.  It is a living tradition after all.  We need to give it ways and room to grow.  The sources are the wells from which we can draw spiritual water. Sometimes one of the wells goes a little dry. A reservoir can be emptied or the groundwater from a particular well that has been over used may no longer quench our thirst. Check out one of the others when this happens.

The first source is:

Direct experience of that transcending mystery and wonder, affirmed in all cultures, which moves us to a renewal of the spirit and an openness to the forces which create and uphold life;

What does that mean?  Several things I think.  Revelation is not sealed.  We are not a faith that believes that all religious truth was written down in ancient scriptures. Mystery and wonder are all around us.  We need to trust our own experiences and our own senses.  If we see a rainbow and think it is a miracle, maybe it is.

Many of us have had, in our own lives experiences which some would name spiritual.  I know I have.

There have been times where a deep realization of an important truth has left me in awe and wonder.

It is a knowing that not everything can be understood by the simply rational. It is a sense that there really are forces that both create and uphold life, even if they are forces that are beyond our understanding. This direct experience could be a sense of having a personal connection to God, but it doesn’t have to be exclusively theistic.  One of my former congregants who defines himself as a humanist tells a story about the feeling he had when he visited the Smithsonian in Washington DC. He had a moment there when he realized that everything in that fabulous museum actually belonged to him.  He was part of something much larger than himself.  We should never discount our own experience of the world around us. This source reminds us to think, see, and feel for ourselves.  It doesn’t mean we will always be right, but we don’t have to buy into someone else’s version of reality and we can affirm what is true for us.

The second source is:

Words and deeds of prophetic women and men which challenge us to confront powers and structures of evil with justice, compassion, and the transforming power of love;

Who are your heroes?  Who has inspired you?  It could be someone famous, but it could just be someone you know.  Maybe members of this church community have inspired you both with their words and deeds.

There are awesome role models here, both in service to the congregation and in working for justice. This source also leads us to look at our heroes and who they were as well as what they did.

Did they confront evil not only to bring about justice, but did they do so with compassion and love?  No one is perfect, but those who would lead us to hate others are not those we should try to model ourselves after.

The third source: Wisdom from the world’s religions which inspires us in our ethical and spiritual life;

It was the transcendentalists, people like Ralph Waldo Emerson and Margaret Fuller, that studied world religions, especially those that valued direct experience of the divine, that brought this source into the mainstream of Unitarianism in the 19^thcentury.  They dipped deeply into this well, and so can we.

What do the religions of the world have to teach us?  What spiritual practices from other traditions can give our lives more meaning?

Yoga, Buddhist meditation practice, the Hindu concept of Namaste, and the daily prayers of Islam, are only a few places we can go for help in our spiritual and ethical lives.  This source is a place awaiting our discoveries.  Most of us have not looked too closely at what the different world religions have to offer us. It is important to understand context, however.

If we simply cherry pick, we don’t do this source justice and may even be drawn into cultural appropriation.

The fourth source is: Jewish and Christian teachings which call us to respond to God’s love by loving our neighbors as ourselves;

This source is our immediate history and heritage.  Both Unitarianism, the belief that God is one, and Universalism, the belief that God loves all of creation and that there is no hell; have their roots in very early Christianity, which of course in its beginning was a Jewish movement.

This history can speak very strongly to those of us who attended exclusively Christian Churches or Jewish Congregations in the past.  Some of us loved the many inspiring messages contained in both the Jewish and Christian scriptures.  Others of us fell victim to rigid and literal interpretations of those scriptures.  It can help to revisit some of them with fresh eyes and open hearts

Our fifth source is: Humanist teachings which counsel us to heed the guidance of reason and the results of science, and warn us against idolatries of the mind and spirit;

This is the source that I think most helps to keep us honest. Whatever we believe and do must make some sense in the real and rational world.

Yes, we can have understandings of mystery that are beyond the realm of the scientific method, but it is dangerous ground to rely on something that is in direct contradiction to what reason and science tell us. Angels might fly, but we humans are subject to gravity.

The Bible might say one thing, but if science tells us the world is much older than 6000 years, I am going with science.  Science and religion are not in conflict.

They should both be about increasing our understanding of the universe and our place in it.

That brings us to our sixth source, the last official one, which is: Spiritual teachings of earth-centered traditions which celebrate the sacred circle of life and instruct us to live in harmony with the rhythms of nature

How can we not live in harmony with nature when we are part of it?  This is the favorite source for many of us who have come to Unitarian Universalism from pagan traditions and practices.  There are seasons to our lives just as there are seasons in the year.  The need for harmony with nature is also in the Jewish and Christian Scriptures as well as in the various world religions. Sometimes we just need to go up on a mountain and watch the sunrise.

Those are our six official sources, places where we can go for inspiration and for solace.  Is anything left out?

What would you add to this list?  It is not written in stone, we can add things to it, just as we can rewrite the seven principles.  There is a democratic process to do that at our national assemblies.

The sixth source was added to the original five in 1995.  There was also a proposal to revise the wording of the sources a couple of years ago. It did not pass, but it could have.

What would you add?

One I might add would be something about the arts, including music, poetry, and dance as well as the visual arts.  Beauty, meaning, and inspiration can come from artistic creativity.

Paul Oakley said that, “We irrigate the fields not by worshiping the water but by doing something with the water.”

He is not wrong, but we also need to go back and drink from the wells that spiritual water comes from, again and again. Living is thirsty work.

We can’t afford to ignore any of these spiritual wells just because we might like the flavor of one of them a bit more.

We are an open minded and open hearted people.  Our sources are rich and life sustaining. May we drink deeply and be satisfied.

There are some great places to walk to near my house.  This is about 1.5 miles away, which gives me 3 miles round trip and all uphill on the way back.

I may have overdone it today though with a hike on the Tennessee Valley trail.  It was about 4 miles round trip and took 2 and a half hours.  My knee is in serious pain now.  Maybe it was too long and maybe the cortisone shot is wearing off.  Good thing I have knee surgery scheduled!

It was seriously beautiful though.

Class last night was good, although bittersweet as it was the last night for the excellent facilitator who is going to another position.

We talked about motivation, intrinsic and extrinsic.  The stuff that comes from inside you works better.  No one loses weight because someone else, even a doctor, tells them too.  No, the reason to do this is because you like how it feels, because you want to do things with your life that will be easier if you are healthier.  I have been able to stay motivated partly because I have had so many rewards along the way, mainly significant improvements in my health.  I called it luck, but maybe it is grace instead – undeserved blessings that have rained down upon me.  It all gives me some pause.  Before I started this program, my life was narrowing because of my weight related health issues.  There was so much I could not do.  Now, a year and a half later, I am still amazed at how my life and abilities have expanded again.  But in terms of staying motivated to stay the course, to make this how I will live for the rest of my life,  what happens when the rewards are less obvious than they are now?  If I get used to them?  What happens when advancing age again catches up with me?  What will happen after my knee surgery?

Life is, and always will be I guess, an adventure of sorts.

I want to stick around as long as possible partly to see what happens – I can never stop reading a book until the end – but the world will (I hope!) go on without me at some point.  Until then, I want to have as big of a positive impact as I can, on the world and  on the people around me.  At church we sing a closing song at the end of the service each week.  It has the line “for the children of our children, keep the circle whole.”   For that we need wisdom, courage, and strength.

And ice.  Time to put more ice on my knee.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 54 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 85,990 steps last week for over 36 miles.  I ate approximately 9289 calories and burned 17252 for a deficit of 7963. I am down another 1.6 pounds for a total loss of 134.5 .

I really wore out my knee last week on the Tennessee Valley hike, so I took it easier for a few days afterward.  I actually drove to take the above walk.  It was also super hot and only a tad cooler by the water.  The cortisone shot has definitely worn off so it is back to naproxen for awhile.  I’ll probably need to stop that as well a bit before my surgery.  All good I guess.  Some pain now will get me ready for post surgery pain.  Because of the opioid crises, doctors limit the prescriptions for the heavy duty pain meds that can lead to addiction if used for too long.  I assume they will give me enough to get through the worst of it.  Full anesthesia for the surgery at least!  The expectation is to be sent home the same day and a physical therapist comes to the house a couple of times a week until I can make it to the clinic.  Another adventure!

I am a little stressed about the surgery recovery time and maintaining my weight loss while I can’t do long walks or swim.  I will try to eat a little less so I don’t gain, but it will be tricky.  Food can be such a comfort.  But I didn’t do all this work to regain it all!

Stress was the topic in group tonight.  As compulsive as I am, I don’t actually stress all that much.  This was the handout:

The physiological impact of high levels of stress is pretty scary, so I am glad I don’t do it that much.  “What?  Me worry?”  (Does anyone else remember MAD magazine?) I loved it when I was young.

I also did some quick research on weight loss and how many people regain all the weight they lost.  This article was interesting as it mentions what factors are correlated with successfully keeping the lost weight off.

Long-term weight loss maintenance

I loved this paragraph:

“National Weight Control Registry members have lost an average of 33 kg and maintained the loss for more than 5 y. To maintain their weight loss, members report engaging in high levels of physical activity (≈1 h/d), eating a low-calorie, low-fat diet, eating breakfast regularly, self-monitoring weight, and maintaining a consistent eating pattern across weekdays and weekends. Moreover, weight loss maintenance may get easier over time; after individuals have successfully maintained their weight loss for 2–5 y, the chance of longer-term success greatly increases.”

I’ll be even more confident in another year.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 65 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 84,498 steps last week for over 35 miles.  I ate approximately 9289 calories and burned 16605 for a deficit of 7316. I am down another .7 pound for a total loss of 135.2 .

What a roller coaster these last few days have been!  First my knee surgery, which has been scheduled for 9/16, was delayed until the 23rd.  Then it was back on for 9/10 which is only a few days from now.  I was supposed to check in at 11:30, then it was 9:30, and now it is back to 11:30.  We will see if anything changes again.  I have had a ton of phone calls and emails from Kaiser (my health care provider) in the last few days.  I had to change other appointments because of the date changes.  The surgery team thought I still have diabetes and sleep apnea as my primary doctor hasn’t corrected my records yet to show “history of” in front of those conditions.  Luckily they listen when I tell them my latest A1C is 5.2 and explain how much weight I have lost, but it is more than a little frustrating.  All this chaos has at least saved me from stressing too much about the actual surgery.   I am ready I think. I have the walker and thing that goes over the toilet ready.  We will pick up all the throw rugs this weekend and and make sure there is enough food in the freezer.

I did reach my weight loss goal this week, the one I have had for over a year.  Now I am simply overweight and not “obese.”  I may set a new goal after I have recovered from the surgery and can get back yo serious walking.  One interesting thought that I have been smiling about: with all the excess skin around my knees now, maybe the scar will be less obvious. There have to be some advantages to saggy skin.  But even with a large ugly scar, I will still wear shorts.  Like my gray hair, I will have earned the scar and will be proud.  No worries, I don’t think I will post any pictures of my early healing stages.  .

Tonight we are going out to dinner.  I will have the swordfish and maybe two martinis.

L’Chaim!

They say women forget the pain of childbirth. I think that is a lie. That first child brings such joy that the pain is worth it and you want another child. Maybe knee surgery will be like that too. Like a new born, last night I slept 4 hours until I woke needing my 2 am feeding of painkillers and a replenished ice machine. Then another 4 hours of rest. This is all more than full time jobs for my dear Anne Marie Spatola and myself. I don’t think the other parent ever forgets the exhaustion of those first few days either. Joy and pain can be woven so finely together. Another drug induced metaphor as I drift again into a healing sleep

Not too confident doing a blog post on my phone but I am not up yet to sitting at my desk. The knee replacement surgery itself went well but I had to go to the emergency room the day after because I fainted. I think they sent me home too soon. All is fine now but everyone was right when they said a lot of pain was involved. The above paragraph I wrote this am. I have still weighed myself ever day and am recording my calories but am not trying to lose more weight during this recovery period. My body needs to heal with no extra stress added.

Interesting to learn how many calories Fitbit thinks I am burning with virtual no exercise at all. Roughly 1500 it seems. When I can get my RMR tested again we can see if that is at all accurate.I move from my bed to the bathroom. And to the living room for meals and watching debates. My weight is up 3 pounds. Mostly due to swelling. It is all good. The baby of my new knee has been born now we just want to be able to sleep through the night.

Jade plants are said to be lucky. These are a few blocks away. I will walk by them again

Recovery from knee replacement surgery is going to take some time. The surgery was a week ago and I have been to the ER 3 times. Once for a blood clot scare and twice because I fainted. Health care in the US is not the best even if you have good insurance and a better than average provider. The Beatles song “Back in the USSR” has been running through my head. “You don’t know how lucky you are, boy”

I can feel lucky and pissed at the same time. Lucky it isn’t worse but furious it hasn’t been better. Most of the kaiser staff have been great but a couple of the ER docs were arrogant jerks.

With all the emergency room visits physical therapy and meals have both been pretty hit and miss. I can’t let my blood sugar or pressure get too low or I will pass out again. Luckily I was seated with someone with me both times so I did not hit the floor or get hurt. The ER nurse gave me a hospital hamburger yesterday. I had chocolate pudding there the day before.

This recovery is hard and there is a lot of pain. The medications help some but not enough. What is hardest is the emotional stuff though. Isn’t that always true? Not being listened to, not being treated with respect is even worse when you feel lousy and are scared. It is also hard not being able to take care of myself and being dependent on others for my very survival. I am so lucky to have family and friends that love and support me. Anne runs herself ragged helping me and I hate that too.

The lack of control and lack of agency is difficult for an obsessive control freak like me. It is particularly weird around food. For the last year and a half I have been in complete control of what I eat. I cooked what I wanted and ate when I needed to eat. I probably won’t be able to prepare my own food for at least another week. It has been a major mental adjustment and needing help with food is harder for me than needing help in showering and dressing. Makes sense I guess, but it took me by surprise to have a meltdown about the plans for dinner.

I am still trying to eat relatively healthy foods and I am going to up my calorie intake for awhile to give my body more energy to heal.

Defining and redefining each day as I work with a changing sense of what is normal. Rest and push myself. Elevate and ice. Remember to eat. A real joy is being able to sit at my office desk. I am going to limit it to an hour at a time but that one small thing helps me understand that although what is normal for me will keep changing, I can still do a few things that will make me feel better.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 96 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 8783 steps last week for less than 4 miles.  I ate approximately 8561 calories and burned 11733 for a deficit of 3172. I am up 3 pounds for a total loss of 140.

White cotton candy spun

Ice cold across skin

Purple with pain swollen

With hope for relief

How long will this last?

Dinosaurs could tell us

The beached whales struggle

In the sand washed by tears

An ocean’s gift a sea of grief

Spins the ice numbing into stillness

A fissure opens ragged as

A nightmare vision

Bruised bodies heal

And will move

Once again

We pray

The pain is insane and this “iceman” is my friend.  It keeps cold water circulating and lasts 4 or more hours.  Ice helps, as do the meds, but pain really is a constant part of my life now.  It isn’t unbearable, but it is hard, particularly right after I do my physical therapy exercises.  “What is the difference between a terrorist and a physical therapist? ” ————————————————————You can negotiate with a terrorist.

Seriously, I like the therapist who has been coming to the house once a week.  I can now bend my knee to a 95 degree angle.  It was 85 last week, so progress, better than average he said. I still like numbers and retain a competitive spirit.  It keeps me going.

The pain was pretty intense a few days ago and I wrote this poem. It made me feel better, as poetry often does.

Pain

My weight is creeping up slightly, about 4 pounds since my surgery, but I am not stressing about it.  I find that having a few yummy meals cheers me up when I am dealing with so much.  I am not going wild or crazy, but did enjoy the burrito for dinner last night and the take out Chinese food we had earlier in the week.  Body and soul are one, and an extra peach after lunch isn’t a bad thing if makes me feel a bit better.  I also believe it will be fairly easy to lose whatever small amount of weight I gain, once I can start serious exercise again.  Some of the gain may also be water weight as my leg is still swollen.  Every day now is a little better than the day before.  Baths and the pool or hot tub will still be a couple of months away for me, but now that the staples are out, a shower sounds absolutely fabulous.  The simple things are sometimes what one misses the most.  Living a constricted life can fill you with gratitude for glimpses of a more expansive future.  I am on the mend.  Maybe in a few more weeks, I won’t be whining quite as much. No promises.

On a positive note, maybe we can finally get rid of the tyrant, although the impeachment process is likely to be more difficult than a knee replacement.  You have to do it though, if you are going to have the freedom and the ability to go where you want to go and do what you need to do.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 96 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 6925 steps last week for less than 3 miles.  I ate approximately 10,010 calories and burned 11228 for a deficit of only 1218. I am up 1.2 pounds for a total loss of 138.8.

I am back up on the horse.  Um, back up on the bike.  It was really rough for a few weeks after my knee replacement surgery, but now, a full month later, I definitely feel like I am on the mend.

I was able to bend my knee 129 degrees last week, only 3 weeks post surgery.  The end of rehab goal is 120 degrees so I am already there.  My home physical therapist was amazed and impressed with my progress, particularly because I had a very hard first week with 3 E/R visits and passing out twice.  I am now using a cane rather than a walker and am starting to wean myself off of the heavy-duty pain pills.  I even go on the exercise bike 15-20 minutes a day in addition to the 6 specific physical therapy exercises that I do 3 times each day.  My life is awfully routine.  Wake up, eat, take pain medications, exercise, ice and elevate, a little time on the computer, repeat and repeat again.  Read for awhile, maybe watch a little TV, and then bedtime.  I also find time to take a shower each day, mainly around when Anne is how to make sure still I don’t fall – or I guess so she can call the paramedics if I do.

It all feels so much better, though.  I have turned my Fitbit hourly movement reminders back on, and try get the 250 steps per hour in for 10 hours of each day. I still have some significant pain, especially after doing the exercises, but it is becoming more manageable. I am also now doing out-patient physical therapy, including being scheduled for a “knee class” which involves using gym type machines to strengthen my leg muscles.

I really miss the weekly group meetings and hope to get back in another couple of weeks when I can drive again.  On-going support and accountability partners are so important to this lifestyle change.

I am back to what feels like easy losing.  My exercise is increasing and I have been keeping my calorie intake to a reasonable level.  I am not feeling hungry, but look forward to when I am burning more calories each day and am off the pain pills.  Then I can indulge in an occasional martini again. I really miss the olives!

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am drinking about 96 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 6634 steps last week for less than 3 miles.  I ate approximately 8827 calories and burned 10752 for a deficit of 1925. I am down 2.24 pounds for a total loss of 144.4.

I am a preacher by trade

I believe in the Word

Whispered or shouted

Depending on whether

A still small voice

Or a loud proclamation

Will serve the Good better.

If you have ears,

Give me a listen

Reading my lips is also just fine.

I’ll use the mic too,

If I can find it

Up where the tall people live.

This week at the knee class, I remembered to snap a pic.  It isn’t as fancy as the one I found a picture of on-line last week, but it does the job.  I lost 2 degrees on my knee bending, down to 128 instead of 130, but no worries as 120 is the goal and I took it a bit easier on some of the exercises the last few days because I have apparently strained my adductor muscle.  The physical therapist couldn’t figure out quite how I did it, but he worked on it for awhile with massage and said to not do anything that makes that muscle hurt.  It too will heal.

I am completely off the oxycodone now and drove myself for the first time on Tuesday.  Freedom of the road – even if it was only 2 freeway exits from my house and it felt great.  Since the surgery was on my left leg and we have an automatic, it was easy.  My pain level is back up without the drugs, but it is tolerable.  I see the doctor later in week and hope to be able to start using naproxen again rather than Tylenol.

I also did a walk – outside – without even cane!

It has been a very long time since I have taken a walk without using a cane.  It is a little scary, but is also quite wonderful.

As hard as it has been, I am amazed at my progress after the surgery.   Even more incredible is how I have continued to lose weight during this time, even without putting much effort in.  Until this week, my exercise has been very minimal, so my “calories out” have been low.  But without the long walks and other exercise, I haven’t been as hungry so haven’t really needed as many “calories in.”  Keeping track of both my exercise and food intake helps my brain and body communicate with each other.  I understand the signals better.  A few nights this week, while weaning myself off the pain meds, I didn’t sleep well at all. During the days after those lousy nights, I felt hungry, but it wasn’t food I needed, it was energy.  Naps were in order.

Since I am now able to drive, I was able to attend the group this week.  It was good to see people!  The quote of the day was, “Whatever you are not changing, you are choosing.” (Laurie Buchanan).  I liked it, although not everything is within our power to change, but like in the serenity prayer, that is where wisdom needs to come into the equation.

Speaking of math, I have decided to choose to change how I record my weight statistics in this blog.  The Kaiser meetings are on Wednesdays which are the official “weigh-in days).  I also weigh myself each morning at home, the results of which go into my Fitbit app which also calculates my average weight for each week.  The Fitbit (and Lose-it) weeks are Monday-Sunday, so it is making less sense to use the Wednesday weigh in number.  So as of this week, I am going to use the average Fitbit number instead. It will be more accurate in the long run I think, as an average evens out minor fluctuations and it will also match my calorie-in, calorie-out, weeks, which will let me know how accurately I am estimating some of my calorie intake.

Even with the kaiser numbers, I lost 6.6 pounds in the 6 weeks since my surgery.  Not too bad. It helped that I couldn’t have any alcohol with the medications.  Once I can switch from Tylenol to naproxen I will have at east one martini!

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: I am still drinking about 96 ounces of water most days.  My Fitbit report shows 35723 steps last week for 15 miles.  I ate approximately 9289 calories and burned 13307 for a deficit of 4018. I am down .2 pounds for a total loss of 148.8.

Despite the power being out for 3+ days, I managed to eat fairly healthy meals as we cleaned out the fridge and freezer to save as much of the food as we could.  This was last night’s dinner – shrimp w/hot sauce and sesame oil, beets, and Brussels sprouts.  I had to boil the beets and steam the sprouts rather than roasting them like I prefer. We have a gas stove, but the oven is electric.

The house was freezing so I probably burned some extra calories just keeping warm.  Although my knee still hurts and I missed being able to ice it after exercise, I have been able to take long walks again, mainly in the morning when the smoke from the fires just to the north of us has been a little less.

It has been a dramatic and traumatic week, the kind of week where it would be really easy to get off-track, both with eating and with exercising my knee so that it keeps improving.  I am happy to say that I think I did very well.  At least I did not lose any ground in either area.

Another impact of the fires and power outages was that the facilitator could not make it to the 5 PM meeting tonight, so the meeting was cancelled.  Unfortunately, I did not learn that until I had driven there.  No worries, in the scheme of all that is happening, it was only a minor irritation.  I hope everyone is doing OK.  It hasn’t been a good week for California, but people helped each other as best they could to get through it.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 44826 steps last week for 18.8 miles.  I ate approximately 9457 calories and burned 14030 for a deficit of 4573. My average weight this week is down .2 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 149.

Progress is walking without a cane.  I am now averaging 10,000 + steps per day and walking up and down hills.  These steps are part of a shortcut down and back to the marina.  I can now go up them, but down is harder.  It has been 2 months since my surgery, and they say the pain improves significantly after 3.  I am glad to have electric power again so I can ice my knee after a long walk.

I have been walking through the pain.  It is a metaphorical journey in a way, a lyrical song of what it means to be alive.  Not all of us can walk without pain just as some of us cannot walk at all.  None of us lives without pain.  Life is full of grief and loss, disappointment, frustration, and despair.  We battle fears and addictions, searching for the courage and confidence to soldier on.  The war analogies are apt.  We are all refugees seeking safe harbor, a place of more joy and, most of all, more hope.

This journey I have been on is no different than many others.  The path, although marked, is not always clear.  What keeps me moving along is that thing with feathers, a small flutter of hope waiting to take wing.  When I pastored a parish, or served as a hospital chaplain, what I found people seemed to need the most, when they were overwhelmed by events in their lives, was simply to have someone with them, a calm presence that listened, that recognized and acknowledged their pain.  They did not need advice or platitudes; they just wanted to know that they were not alone.  They needed someone to hold the hope for them, to keep it safe, while they grappled with despair.

If you are a believer, God can help serve this need, but judgement is not part of the Holy I know, so don’t worry about that.  There is a Spirit holding us, and holding all that we are and all that we love.  It keeps that ember of hope warm, even when the power goes out, even when we feel like giving up and even in the midst of hopelessness and helplessness.

And sometimes you have to give yourself a break; you really need to take a break.  Last weekend I think I overdid the walking w/12,000 steps on Saturday and 11,000 on Sunday.  My knee was swollen and throbbing from that effort.  More ice, and a couple of days off from long walks was in order.  For myself, I can be as disciplined as I need to be only if I allow myself small breaks when I need them.  Some days I can’t really exercise.  Some days I really want a small dessert, so I have a cookie.  It is the long term attention that works, best held with an open hand. Too much rigidity can be a set up for a serious shattering of my intentions.

On another note, I always learn something at church and not only during worship.  Last Sunday at coffee hour, someone told me, humorously, that “I was not half the woman I used to be.” That is not quite true yet, but if I lose another 10 pounds or so, I will be at exactly half my starting weight.  Weird to think about that.  I am so much less and so much more than I was then.  Life really is a mystery.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 71319 steps last week for 30 miles.  I ate approximately 9814 calories and burned 15096 for a deficit of 5282. My average weight this week is down 2 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 151.

I have been reluctant to invest in too many new clothes as I am still losing weight, but this is becoming a problem as the weather is turning colder.  OK, I am in California, and it isn’t that cold outside, but people don’t heat their houses here like they do in snow country.  I have shrunk out of the jeans I bought last year.  I didn’t have any sweaters that fit.  I have a couple of pairs of fleece jogging pants that fit, but they aren’t appropriate for everywhere, even being retired.  The thin pants I got last summer still fit well enough, but I am freezing when I wear them.  I also have less “natural insulation” these days.

But my 30 year old daughter came to the rescue yesterday.  She’d cleaned out her closet and had a load of clothes which she was going to donate.  I asked to see them and found a couple of shirts and a warmish jacket that fit.  The two belts will hold up my jeans!  Even better, I can wear some of Anne’s clothes now, and she got some stuff from our daughter’s stash as well, so she was more willing to let me have a few more of her things.  A couple of vests and a warm jacket are what I most appreciate.  It is weird that I can now wear her clothes.  Just the ones that were big on her, but still.  She is my height and under 110 pounds.

Once I reach my maintenance level, I’ll have to do some serious shopping.  When will that be?  Who knows?  I feel very comfortable with my current weight, but I am still losing without trying very hard, so it seems my body wants to be at least a bit smaller.  We will wait until she is satisfied.

This last week was a case in point.  My knee still hurts so I have gone very easy on exercise and am still down almost 2 pounds.

In class last week we talked about the various fad diets and how people can lose weight on them, but because they don’t change their lifestyle, the weight comes right back.  I never did that kind of dieting and believe I have made enough changes in how I eat and exercise that I can maintain whatever weight my body and I decide is maintenance

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 25476 steps last week for 10.7 miles.  I ate approximately 9562 calories and burned 12053 for a deficit of 2491. My average weight this week is down 1.7 pound from  last week’s average for a total loss of 152.7.

I have told this story often, but have realized that I have never written it down.  It is something that impacted my life and how I see the world.

I was in my very early 20’s and it was around the summer of 1972 – I think – I have always been bad at dates.  Some friends wanted to go camping and I was enthusiastic.  I’d camped every summer in Yosemite Valley as a kid growing up.  That may have seemed rustic to some, but there were real campsites, washrooms, water, and well-marked trails in that National Park.   Diane wanted to go to the Mendocino National Forest where she had camped before.  Diane was the older sister of Dennis, a college friend of mine, who wanted to go too.  She also brought her 3 year old son, Mark.  My boyfriend at the time, Kent, also came.  The 5 of us and my little dog Jed set out in Diane’s car and drove up to Round Valley CA and through the small town of Covelo, and then miles farther up a winding road (162?) that eventually became gravel.  Map here. When we finally stopped the car, there was no campground, just woods.  Diane led us to clearing about 100 yards from the car that she said was a great place to camp.  We unloaded the car and set up our sleeping bags and camp stove.  There was no water.  Diane said we should go down the the river and get some, as it wasn’t far.  This was back when people just drank from streams and didn’t worry about giardia which we’d never even heard about.

We packed a lunch and took empty water bottles.  We were dressed in shorts. teeshirts, and hiking shoes.  It was hot and we looked forward to wading in the river.  It about a half an hour we found it.  It wasn’t big; most California rivers aren’t.  We filled our bottles and waded and ate most of the lunches we had packed.  As the afternoon wore itself out, we headed back to our makeshift camp.

Except we didn’t get there.  As I said, there wasn’t a trail.  We did not have maps or a compass.  We wandered up the hill from the river at at spot that looked easier than the way we came down.  We cut to the left, thinking our camp was in that direction.  We went that way.  Maybe it was farther up the hill, so we climbed.  No, maybe downhill and to the right.  As dusk approached we realized we were lost and would need to spend the night where we  were.  We gathered some wood and built a fire.  At least we had matches.  We tore off some soft pine branches to keep us warm and tried to huddle together for warmth as the night grew colder.  We took turns holding Mark, both because he was a warm body and to spare Diane who was worried because he was so quiet.  I don’t think any of the adults slept much at all, but Mark did.

When morning came, we had a few bites of our leftover lunch, maybe 6 raisins each and a couple of nuts, a little more for Mark, and discussed what to do.  I was for going back down to the river and following it downstream.  Eventually it would have to cross a road before it reached the ocean.  The other idea was to go higher to see if we could see the road from a height.  Because we were so far from any town and following the river downstream would take a week at least, we opted for climbing.  So we went uphill as far as we could go.  Along the way, we picked and ate rosehips and manzanita berries which Diane assured us were safe.  Somehow we just trusted her on that, but no one got sick from them.

We got to the top of a ridge, but there were so many trees, we couldn’t see a thing.  It was getting late, so we made another fire and gathered so pine branches again.  In the morning, after 6 more raisins eat,  we wondered about building a huge fire, hoping some rangers would see it and find us.  We dismissed that quickly as a bad idea; we did not want to set the woods on fire, particularly when we were lost in them.  We started downhill toward the river, as following it downstream was the only option left.

Except we crossed a logging road!  Yay!  We could simply follow it to whatever road it connected to! After a quarter of a mile or so, another logging road crossed the one we were on.  It looked more used so we followed it.  Ten crossroads later we realized we were going in circles through a maze without a discernible exit.  We were also running out of water so we headed downhill again toward the river.  We spent another night on the hillside.  We were very tired and very hungry.  My dog did sort of OK, but I won’t tell you what he ate.  It included second hand raisins.

Finally we reached the river and drank our fill.  We even washed some of the grime from our bodies.  Dennis spotted a frog and caught it.  Someone else found a discarded sardine can.  We built a fire and poached that little frog.  I had a pocket knife and cleaned out the intestines, but we ate everything else on and in that tiny body.  We began to hunt frogs in earnest and we caught 3 more.  It was getting dark again so we looked for a place to camp.  Across the river was a clearing enclosed by several large granite boulders.  There was a fire-ring, others had camped there before us.  And miracle of miracles, a previous camper had stashed a half a bag of macaroni in one of the boulder’s crevices.  We found another tin can to boil water and feasted on frogs and unsalted pasta.  It really did feel like abundance.  The next morning Diane noticed that we were very near where we were on the very first day.  She was positive she knew the way back from there, if we went back exactly the way we had come.  I was reluctant, but agreed with the provision that we mark our trail and that if we did not find the car in an hour, we would then follow the river downstream.

We started uphill and Diane quickly grew excited, saying she knew exactly where we were and where we had left our camping gear.  We sat on a log to catch our breath from the climb and then a swarm of wasps surrounded us.  Diane was stung several times, although the rest of us weren’t.  She was terrified, saying she was allergic to bees.  We raced behind her, found the car, grabbed some oranges to eat, and started the drive to town, hoping to find a doctor.

Several miles down the road, there was a Forest Service compound so we stopped there.  A man came out when we drove in and we explained about being lost and the bee sting.  He said they didn’t have a phone and we had to leave.   His demeanor was very hostile. Maybe the no phone was true, but he must have had a radio or someway to contact the town.  We were young, we were filthy from sleeping in the dirt for days, and the guys both had long hair and beards.  It was the 70’s and we were dirty hippies and clearly less than human in his eyes.  We left.

Finally we reached Covelo and stopped at the ranger station there.  It was part of the Park Service and not the Forest Service (which serves the lumber industry) and the employees were awesome.  They called the local doctor who said if Diane was still alive after the several hours that had passed, there was nothing to worry about.  They lent us a lantern so we could retrieve our camping stuff which we had left in a rush and it would be dark before we got back to it. We then went to the local diner and had their 24 hour breakfast before driving back up the mountain.

When we got back to Berkeley, we went to Spenger’s Restaurant, a fish place that served unlimited bread.  I am not sure what else we ate, but we went through a LOT of bread!

The next day I went to my work study job and told them what had happened and why I was 3 days late coming back.  They hadn’t been worried at all.  So much for our fantasy of them calling out search and rescue.

Some of what I learned:

1. Always take a little extra along if you can – food, clothing, money
2. Know where you are and where you are going.  Trails are good and maps are even better
3. Technology is a blessing.  A satellite phone or GPS would have really helped.
4. Drink lots water if you don’t have enough food
5. The men were much better at carrying firewood and catching frogs, but tended to shut down emotionally more than the women
6. The women were much better at having a clue about what to do and we kept the dynamic cooperative even while we were basically making all the decisions for the group.
7. Having a child made it even more important that we get out safely and soon.
8. Dogs can take care of themselves if need be.
9. Take nothing for granted.
10. It takes some luck to survive.
11. When people need help, it shouldn’t matter what they look like.

Note that #5 and #6 may have just been the individuals involved, but a couple of years later, I stopped experimenting with heterosexuality.

I was down just .2 pounds this week, but Lose -It says I met my goal.  And yes, I have logged all my calorie intake for 487 days.  I am still not sure I am done losing, but I have lost 10 pounds since my surgery in September and when my knee FINALLY heals, who knows what will happen?  In any case, I love these little pictorial rewards the various apps send out.  FITBIT does the same sort of thing. I may have to set a new goal to keep them coming.  Maybe I’ll play with 5 pound goals at a time, because I feel just fine at my current weight.

In class this week we talked about the power outage and how it affected our eating habits.  One man talked about going a bit nuts in one of the few open stores and really loading up his cart with pasta and sauce.  Not knowing how long food would be available, it was easy to go into survival mode.  We were too busy eating the food in our refrigerator before it spoiled to try and go shopping, but almost empty shelves might have inspired the same response in me.

It did remind me of the time I was lost in the woods for 4 days with only small leftover lunches to share with the 4 other people that were with me. (I just wrote that story out in another post – here) Maybe the rationing of raisins and peanuts we did then made it easier for me to cope with the relatively mild food deprivation that is part of any weight loss journey.

Being dedicated to my mission of health helps too.  Like the federal employees that testified this week (Yay to Fiona Hill!) career cvil servants are stalwart in their dedication to the missions of their agencies and nothing much will really stop them.  Being lost in the woods and my years working for the Social Security Administration are two of the pillars that I think have helped keep me strong.  My years in ministry gave me some humility and the ability to sometimes actually enjoy the inevitable imperfections and plot twists.  Curiosity keeps me interested.  I want to read this novel to the end.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 27395 steps last week for 11.5 miles.  I ate approximately 9408 calories and burned 12368 for a deficit of 2960. My average weight this week is down .2 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 152.9.

It was Thanksgiving week last week, a day for family and feasting.

Last year I transitioned from all meal replacement products to food right before Thanksgiving. I was very careful on that day and weighed and measured absolutely everything. (1 Tablespoon of gravy for instance. ) This year, since I am down over 150 pounds and at a comfortable not-obese weight finally, I still recorded estimates of what I ate, but I ate pretty much all I wanted including a couple of cocktails. I enjoyed myself and on the scale the next morning I was up a mere pound. It will be easy to lose that without hardly trying. The next afternoon, we went clothes shopping and I bought a pair of size 14 jeans. I used to wear 28 or 3x.   This was me several Thanksgivings ago.  It is the traditional “Turkey just out of the oven” pic.  The turkey was also smaller this year, but that had more to do with how many people came to dinner each year. I am getting older each year, of course, but am much healthier than I was.  ‘Tis a major miracle.

I am still figuring out what the future will hold in this journey of mine. Am I done with weight loss?  Recovering from knee replacement surgery is still slowing me down quite a bit as I am afraid of overdoing it again.  I saw the orthopedic physician’s assistant today and she said it looks like I developed some bursitis in that knee.  Hopefully that is all it is and it will heal with even more rest and ice, although she did order some blood work and an x-ray to make sure nothing else is going on.  I will see the surgeon in a couple of weeks.  It is very frustrating not being able to do much walking.

I want to enjoy the holidays and all the December birthdays with full energy and without stressing about what and how much I am eating.  We will see how it all goes.  An upward trend would  get my attention, but simple maintenance of my current weight would be a fine thing at this point.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 30408 steps last week for 12.8 miles.  I ate approximately 9849 calories and burned 12620 for a deficit of 2771. My average weight this week is down .3 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 153.2.

I woke to the rain

The soft sound of weeping

They say that tears heal

That they water the soul.

And maybe that’s true,

I hope that it is.

But when the wind howls with fury

And the hail pelts down hard

I wonder how grief

Can turn into flowers

Sometimes in spring.

When will we know how

To fix this big mess?

Will the hungry be fed

And the homeless find shelter?

When will the children go home?

I am tired

I am angry

I weep with the planet

And I rage with the wind.

God, grant me wisdom.

Love, give me courage.

Let’s drink all that water

So we don’t drown in the flood

These pics are for Lindsay, who asked for them.  When I completed the 30 week “active phase” of the program she and several other program friends surprised me with 2 Tee shits that said, “SRCH27 100% compliant – The others all cheated.”

They gave me two sizes, one 2x and one XL.  As you can see, they are both way too big now.   The pic below is me wearing the 2x on graduation day back in November of 2018.

I think one of the ways that I have managed to stay successful for a year and a half is that I kept losing after we stopped the meal replacements. If you can lose enough that you see some rewards, it is easier to keep going.  I kept dropping medications as I lost weight and I was able to stop using a C-Pap machine. That kept me motivated.  Of course, being “100% compliant” didn’t hurt either.  Over time, I became a different person, and not just in appearance but in how I live my life and pay attention to my body.  My mind, my body and my spirit have become more unified in both intention and in practice.

I am fond of saying that weight loss is just math.  Calories in vs calories out.  Mostly that works well, but it is more than math.  I am trying to wean myself off Tylenol PM and had a couple of nights of lousy sleep this week as a result.  The bursitis in my knee is particularly painful at night.  Sleep is important and I ate more on the days when I wasn’t well rested.  The body associates food with energy, so when you are tired you are hungrier. There is also the problem with the data.  I maybe underestimating the calories in, and FitBit may be overestimating the calories out.  The math results are only as good as the data that goes into the calculation.  Garbage in, garbage out, in other words.  It may be time for another resting metabolic rate test so that I can get better data in.

Still, only 1 pound up the week after a yummy Thanksgiving dinner and leftovers isn’t bad at all.  My weight at the end of last week was the lowest it has been in 30+ years so I am still trending down.

I really HATE not being able to exercise or walk very much.  The new knee joint works really well, but the bursitis needs lots of rest if it is going to heal.  So I do a bit on the stationary bike every day and the PT exercises that don’t stress my knee.  Without much exercise, it is actually amazing that I am maintaining my weight and not gaining.

It is hard not to obsess about the numbers on the scale. “I am just fine the way I am.”  Repeat as necessary.   Sometimes journeys end, and not always when we decide they are over.  Then again, this could simply be an interlude, a pause, and when I can take long walks again, I may eventually get below the “overweight” category and into “normal”.  What I know is that I feel healthy and I know how to eat now to stay that way.  I indulge sometimes (Thanksgiving), but am sensible with both my food choices and my portion sizes as a daily routine.

I am now maybe about 95% compliant. Still not complacent though.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 25403 steps last week for 10.7 miles.  I ate approximately 9373 calories and burned 12452 for a deficit of 3030. My average weight this week is up 1 pound from last week’s average for a total loss of 152.2.

I saw my knee surgeon this week who reassured me that it all will be OK.  I still need to ice and not overdo it again, but it is apparently common for people who heal quickly in the first couple of months to have a set-back from doing too much too soon.  He gave me this nifty “knee sleeve” which should help keep me from re-injuring the soft tissues below my knee cap.  I will see him again in a month.

I was able to manage going to an art museum last weekend.  I did sit when I could, but still it felt good to be out and about some at least.  I particularly loved this painting of Angela Davis.  I remember hearing her speak on the UC Berkeley campus, “back in the day.”

  It felt good to remember a time when there was more hope for change in the land.  The struggle, of course, continues.

I had a HUGE average weight loss (4.5 pounds) this week, after a 1 pound gain the week before.  I didn’t do anything differently, so my body is doing the balancing for me I guess.    You go, girl!

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 26535 steps last week for 11.2 miles.  I ate approximately 9324 calories and burned 11750 for a deficit of 2426. My average weight this week is down 4.5 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 156.7.

In the midst of the winter holidays, I remembered a poem I wrote for the Winter Solstice back in 2012.  I was in Utah then and there was snow.

The sun shattered in the sky today
A piñata of stars rained down
The lone last leaf fell long ago
But the scent of pine remains
The snow sparkles with fairy dust
As Hope’s child again appears.
The dawn of life is reborn once more
From the warm embrace of the moon.

From stars shining in the East to lights that burn even when all the oil should be gone, at this time of year we are reminded that miracles can happen, that the winters of our spirits can end and warmth and the sun will somehow return.

At church on the night of the solstice, we ritually walked a labyrinth and then cast into a flaming barbecue pit pieces of paper on which we had written what we wanted to leave behind in the old year.  I have done this ritual many times, letting go old hurts and old fears that no longer served me.  There is something about a scrap of paper being consumed by fire that is powerful  It taps, I think, into the ancient body memories of our ancestors where the warmth of a fire could mean the difference between life and death.  Fire has such a different meaning now when wildfires range beyond all imaging, but those old memories still remain and are still powerful.

I wrote something about letting go of the fear that I won’t be able to maintain my weight and the improved health I have achieved.  My health will deteriorate as I age of course, but I want to do all I can to delay the inevitable as long as possible.  But I really don’t have to stress about every single calorie anymore.

Right after the fire ritual we went back inside and there were hundreds of amazing cookies spread out before us.  Despite what I had written on the paper, I felt I needed to leave immediately and that I just couldn’t stay in a room where just about everyone was eating cookies.  So much for letting go of my fear of losing control over what I eat.

Upon reflection, I realized that I really could have had one cookie, no problem.  One cookie would not derail my progress or cause all my lost weight to come back.  150 pounds would take awhile to gain back anyway and a few cookies would not do it.  And I really could have had just one.  In fact, there were leftovers on Sunday, and I did have one.  The old me would have tried at least one of every kind, and a second of the one I liked best.  (There were at least 5 different choices).  6 or 7 cookies wouldn’t have killed me either, and I saw a few others doing something like that, although most people had one or two.  Notice I said, “the old me.”  I am not that person anymore.  Maybe it is the old me, that image of myself, of who I used to be, that I should have tossed into the fire, so the new me would be stronger, rising like a Phoenix from the fire.

On a more mundane note, I seriously reduced my exercise last week – 8000 fewer steps than the week before, and my knee feels a lot better.  In another week or so it might be time to start GRADUALLY doing a bit more. My weight is up slightly this week, but it was down a lot the week before so I am still in a very comfortable maintenance range. This is good, because this next week will involve a restaurant meal and a couple of parties that will have food as a focus.  I am not worried though.  I am the new me.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 18366 steps last week for 7.8 miles.  I ate approximately 9471 calories and burned 11647 for a deficit of 2176. My average weight this week is up 1.5 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 155.2.

Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

I have never been one to make New Year’s resolutions, but I do believe in making good wishes.  I hope that everyone has a good and happy New Year.  May all your dreams come true.  My main dream is that we get rid of the crook in the White House soon.   It will take some work, but we can do it, either now or next November.

I had FUN this holiday season.  I really like being at a weight where I can indulge at times and still stay on track overall.  Between November 22 and December 28, 4 out of the 5 members of my immediate family have birthdays.  Our anniversary is January 3 and when you add in Thanksgiving and Christmas, and a few holiday parties, it makes for a lot of celebratory ocaisions that tend to involve an excess of yummy food and drink.   I went over my normal calorie budget many times during this period, but somewhat amazingly I weigh roughly 5 pounds less than I did on November 21.  Ok, we aren’t at January 4th yet and still have our anniversary to celebrate (45 years!), but I think I have definitely “got this” and may even be running the risk of becoming overconfident.  But I know the trick now: eat super healthy at all the other times and move as much as the new knee can tolerate.  It is a lifestyle and I am really enjoying life these days, doing it “in style.”

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 28454 steps last week for 12.2 miles.  (up 10,000 steps from last week.) I ate approximately 10521 calories and burned 12862 for a deficit of 2341. My average weight this week is down 1.2 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 156.4.

I am walking again, still gradually increasing, and I did around 15000 more steps this week than I did the week before.  I saw this “gratitude tree” on one of my walks.  On the tags were notes from both adults and children naming what they were thankful for.  I am grateful for my improved health and ability to move.

A friend at church asked me how I felt after my large weight loss.  He wanted to know if I felt weaker because I wasn’t getting enough calories.  I said no, just the opposite, I feel much stronger and have a lot more energy.  I am giving my body what she needs.  With the increasing exercise, I get to eat a bit more each day.  It is all a balancing act, finding what is right for each day.  I eat when I am hungry and sometimes just before hunger hits.  It helps to not be “starving.”  When I get too hungry, I consume more than I really need. It takes a while for the food to get into my blood stream and reach my brain. Timing of meals is important.  My kids hate that I need to eat by 5:30 or 6.  They are 7-8 o’clock diners, but when we go out, the are quite accommodating.  They are proud of my progress in this journey and want to be as supportive as they can.

This week I reached another milestone.  I have lost exactly half of my starting weight. No wonder I have more energy!  I was carrying around two of me.

People also ask me if I am still planning on losing more and the answer is no, because I feel fine where I am – AND I also expect I will lose a bit more over the coming months.  I haven’t really stabilized yet, or “plateaued” as they call it in the weight loss world.  So I expect to lose some more without really planning to or trying very hard.  The beginning of this journey was difficult.  I had a mountain to climb and not much endurance.  Now that I have scaled several peaks, each one gets a bit easier.  Walking in the hills isn’t much different than it is on the flats, if you have mastered the habits of long distance travel. This has been a marathon, not a sprint.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 43056 steps last week for 18.2 miles.   I ate approximately 10381 calories and burned 13641 for a deficit of 3260. My average weight this week is down 2.8 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 161.3

As smooth as silk and as shiny as satin

My days glide by

No matter the foggy mist

No matter the rain or hail.

There is a message here.

Keep your windshield clean

Don’t let the grit from the road

Obscure your vision.

Around the next bend

Through this endless seeming swamp

There is a field

A bright meadow.

Rumi and I

We will meet you there.

After cruising along for several weeks without resetting the goal weight in my apps, I bit the bullet today and set a new goal.  It isn’t at all ambitious at this point, just another 10 pounds which will (amazingly!) get me to “normal” on the BMI charts.  This app says I can do that in a little over a month, so why not give it a shot?

I remember how happy I was to get to regular “obese” instead of “morbidly obese.”  I still hate those charts, but my body seems like it wants to shrink a bit more and while it was fun to see all the “You met your goal” messages, I am tired of the apps telling me I need to gain a pound or 2.  We will see what happens.  I am getting a lot freer with my calories at times, but it doesn’t seem to have much impact on my continued downward trend. I am walking and exercising more of course, which I am enjoying.  I even got a new pair of walking shoes!  Recording my calories every day is also a habit I will continue at least for awhile.

I have to remind myself sometimes about how hard this program was in the beginning.  It seems so effortless now. Like learning any new skill, after awhile it just becomes part of you.  I remember being a new parent, and learning how to change diapers and sooth crying babies.  I was terrified that I couldn’t do it right, that I would be a lousy mother. I remember the first time I preached a sermon and how scared I was.  Crying babies don’t stress me now, and I love being behind a pulpit.  We learn new skills and then we change and the new skills became a part of who we are.  I’ll always be a mom, and a preacher, both are part of who I am, and I will continue to live in a way that enhances my own life and hopefully that of others. I don’t intend to sleep through the revolution.  (With a grateful nod to the Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King who continues to inspire so many of us.)

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 49225 steps last week for 19.8 miles.   I ate approximately 10521 calories and burned 13527 for a deficit of 3006. My average weight this week is down 1.1 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 162.4.

Gold stars.  We got them (or at least I did) on our spelling tests when we were kids.  I never got one for handwriting and am grateful for my computer now as my handwriting is still terrible.

This neighborhood house above sports 7 or so gold stars, one on the door and several hanging from the surrounding trees.  It makes me smile to walk by.  Gold stars can be little rewards for jobs well done, for efforts made, for obstacles overcome.  I am not sure how that house earned its gold stars.  It doesn’t matter.  I am sure it deserves them.

I haven’t been getting gold stars for my weight loss and improved health, but I am getting LOTS of positive comments.  “Hello skinny,” feels a little weird as I am not skinny and likely never will be, but I understand the intent.  The changes in my body and mobility are obvious if not downright incredible.  Friends and acquaintances all tell me I am inspiring and that they are super impressed.  Frankly, I am kind of impressed with myself too, but it helps to hear it from others.  I also hope my example might help others – whatever their particular journey might be.  Change, of any type, is just hard, but making changes that you need to make can enhance – and maybe even save – your life.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 48497 steps last week for 19.8 miles.   I ate approximately 10269 calories and burned 13895 for a deficit of 3626. My average weight this week is down .8 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 163.2.

I guess maybe I am a shadow of my former self….

And better in so many ways.  I went on a actual hike this week, only a couple of miles, but it was my first time on an actual trail with my new knee.  The weather was glorious and the knee held up just fine.  I am still trying to take a bit easy every other day so as not to over stress it again.

I need to renew my passport – one never knows these days if one will have to leave the country quickly.  The Nazis put people like me in camps so the descent of our country into fascism makes me nervous on a very deep level.  Then again, we also like to travel and have a trip to Europe planned next fall.

Since it is a passport renewal, I should only need to mail the old one in with current pictures and, of course, a fee.  It was startling to see the difference in my two pictures taken ten years apart.  I am concerned that they will think I am a completely different person, maybe a cousin of the old me.  I called the 800# and asked about it, but the man who answered said it shouldn’t be a problem.  We will see.  I sent in a copy of my drivers license with the renewal so at least they can see an official picture of me at an “in-between” weight.  My smile is the same in all 3 pics anyway.

It is important to keep smiling no matter what happens.  It is joy and laughter that gets us through the challenges of life.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 57110 steps last week for 23.4miles.   I ate approximately 11074 calories and burned 13674 for a deficit of 26004. My average weight this week is down .6 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 163.9.

My weight is starting to flatline, hovering just below 160.  No worries.  160 is just fine, it feels like a healthy weight for me and some of the weight is just loose skin (they don’t talk about that much).  Stabilizing may even mean I can get some new clothes that will fit me longer term.  I am glad I did not buy very many earlier on.

I signed up to take a new resting metabolic rate (RMR) test in another few weeks so I will have a more accurate picture of my normal calorie burn without exercise.  It will help some with the math I think.  I wanted to wait until my weight stabilized before doing it again, as larger bodies burn more calories than smaller ones at the same activity level so your RMR keeps changeing with your weight.  At this point it probably won’t tell me much that I don’t already know, but it is free for program participants who reach their “goal weight” and free is good.  I can go one morning with delayed caffeine in order to take the test.  For the test, you breathe into a tube which then calculates the calories you burn while resting.

I  got sick this week.  Nothing serious, just a bad cold, but it definitely slowed me down on my exercise routines.  I thought of applying the old adage of “feed a cold and starve a fever” but decided not to stuff myself and instead have been drinking a lot of soup, herbal tea, and liquid cold medicine at night, “so I can sleep” as the commercial says.   That and rest seems to be doing the trick. I fly off to a conference in Arizona soon.  Hopefully people on the plane won’t think I have the plague, which is not an unreasonable fear these days. Food will be a bit more complicated at the conference with shared meals, but again no worries.  This is all a habit for me by now.  I am really looking forward to the conference which is for retired Unitarian Universalist ministers and their partners.  Usually it has excellent programming and worship services and seeing old friends and colleagues is always wonderful.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 49574 steps last week for 20.9 miles.   I ate approximately 9618 calories and burned 12668 for a deficit of 3050. My average weight this week is up  .4 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 163.5.

This week I celebrated my 70th birthday with a dinner out with the family.  It feels really good to enjoy a dessert without feeling guilty.  My weight is still hovering at under 160, despite a bad cold slowing me down, a conference, and a birthday – so no worries.

I call this blog “Daily Bread”, but I post weekly, so I have been doing this blog every week for 100 weeks, almost 2 full years. I hope it has been helpful to others, but blogging about my journey each week helps keep me on track.  It is one more discipline, like exercising and counting the calories in the food I eat.  (I may have overestimated the pie calories as it was actually fairly light as well as yummy. Restaurant food is always a guessing game.)

It is a discipline, even when guessing. Discipline is self control, but it isn’t like will power. I am not forcing myself. It is more of a practice, and like a spiritual practice, if you are faithful to it, it can lead you to places you might never have imagined.  It takes some character and determination, but is definitely not denial.  The key is really wanting the result – a healthy body – more than that extra helping of whatever it might be.

70 years old feels pretty good.  I am healthier and able to do more physically than in the last 20 or so years.  I think I have earned all my gray hair and wrinkles, and believe I have accumulated just a little bit of wisdom through it all.  More challenges await, no doubt.  That is life after all.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 32610 steps last week for 13.7 miles.   I ate approximately 10416 calories and burned 11688 for a deficit of 1272. My average weight this week is up .6 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 163.6.

I did my second Resting Metabolic Rate (RMR) test last week.  The first was a year and a half and a hundred pounds ago.  The rate was of course different, but in some interesting ways.  The weirdest thing was that I got taller.  Not much, just a third of an inch, but given that people tend to get shorter as they age, getting taller is fairly miraculous.  Less weight on my spine, standing straighter, my new knee, are all possible explanations, but who cares?  I will take the miniscule physical growth along with larger emotional and spiritual growth (maturity) that can make us wiser as we age.

My resting energy expenditure went down from 1555 to 1210.  It takes fewer calories to, for example,  pump blood through a smaller body, so I knew that number would go down.  If you add in daily activities and 30 minutes of exercise, the total average calories my body is estimated to burn is 1573.  The really good news is that my metabolic rate is only 8% slower than the average for people of my height, weight and age.  During the last test, I was 11% slower.  The difference is likely due to my exercise routine and increased muscle mass.

In terms of the number of calories I need to eat in order to maintain my weight, the test was only marginally helpful, as it gave a maintenance range of 1210-1573, which seems fairly wide.  I have been eating roughly 1400-1500 calories a day, but then again I exercise more that 30 minutes most days.

I love math, but it isn’t perfect.  Still, it really is calories in versus calories out.  This last week I exercised a lot more as my cold was better, and burned around 2000 more calories than I did last week.  I ate about the same amount and so the scale showed a 1.3 pound loss.

Everyone has been talking and worrying about the corona virus.  I am in a “sensitive category” due to my age, but my health is so much better I am much less worried than I would have been 2 years ago.  No more “underlying health conditions” for me!

In any case, life always involves risks.  And you need to live it if it is going to mean something.  The only real change I am making is washing my hands much more often and for longer.  We will hunker down in our house if the situation gets worse, but for now I am still enjoying my walks.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 65891 steps last week for 27 miles.   I ate approximately 10570 calories and burned 13827 for a deficit of 3257. My average weight this week is down 1.3  pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 164.9.

Who is that masked woman?

I used to wear that same bandana back in the day, going to demonstrations against the Viet Nam war.  I kept it wet and pulled it over my face to protect my eyes from the clouds of tear gas.  These days, I just pull it up when others are passing a bit too close.  It isn’t as good as a N-95 mask, but we need to save those for the health care workers because the US government is very unprepared for the pandemic.  I am glad to be in California where I can at least trust the state, county, and city officials to not lie to us about the situation.

It is getting to me.  The clueless people still running around in groups.  The run on toilet paper.  The racism still coming from Washington. I wish we had a president that at least acted like he cared about anyone but himself. They closed the parks here, which I knew was coming after the traffic jams at the beach this weekend.  I’ll miss the trails, but at least my neighborhood is pleasant to walk in.  Great views, especially if I head uphill.  Tempers are short, though, including my own.  I usually write this weekly blog fairly early on Mondays, but just couldn’t get centered enough today to put any words together.  I am still not very centers, but am writing anyway.  Does it have to make sense?  Does anything make sense these days?  I am scared and grumpy and am trying to cut myself some slack about it, and trying, not always effectively, to be generous with other stressed and grumpy people, especially on-line.  We will get through this.  I have to keep that hope alive, a flame that at least still flickers even if it isn’t burning very bright right now.

I lost some more weight this week again.  Who cares?  Maybe I still do.  Paying attention to my body and its needs seems even more important just now as we hunker down and try to survive as best we can.

Love to all of you who might read this.  We are in it all together, that much, at least, is very clear.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 78875 steps last week for 32 miles.   I ate approximately 10479 calories and burned 14074 for a deficit of 3595. My average weight this week is down 1.7  pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 168.2.

Sometimes there is a path you think you can follow.  The rise looks gentle enough, doable, as they say.  But sometimes that path, after it winds through some trees, after you get a glimpse of simply breathtaking views, the trail becomes a trial.  It goes almost straight up and there are loose rocks that slip under your boots.  At some point you realize that maybe you can reach the summit, but no way could you get down again without falling and sliding on your butt. It is important to find a path that leads more gently to the place you want to go.

The above picture is of a real trail in my neighborhood that looked inviting, but quickly became terrifying and so we turned around.

There are lessons in my walkabouts, if I pay attention.  The metaphors get strained sometimes, like my muscles, but moving can also be a meditation.

I think we are in the second week of lockdown due to COVID-19; time is a little weird these days.  We walk through the neighborhood between rain showers, I ride my stationary bike and do my physical therapy, we play cards, read, go to virtual church, share video calls with our kids, talk on the phone, and cook meals which take more planning as we are avoiding grocery stores and home deliveries can be delayed.  Having a hot tub really helps for relaxation and we discovered GrubHub this week.  We had a great dinner delivered from our favorite local Chinese restaurant with lots of leftovers for another day.  I also wrote a couple of poems.

The Wind

Little Things

Life goes on, at least for now. It feels important to pace myself.  This is a marathon not a sprint.  After almost 2 years in the program (started in April of 2018), I have yet to wander too far from the path. If I can do that, I can also make it through this pandemic.  I am grateful to have good companions and guides along the way, and feel very lucky to be in California where science is not considered fake news.

For all who are afraid, may courage come. For all who are sick, may they be healed.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 75670 steps last week for 31 miles.   I ate approximately 10367 calories and burned 13889 for a deficit of 3522. My average weight this week is down 1.1  pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 169.3.

Live your life

Such as it is now

This isn’t ending soon

The world grows smaller

Shrinks down to a neighborhood

A house, a room, a prison cell.

Our connections are more distant

But deeper too

As we share the fear

The grief, the loss.

Howling in the night

We find some small release.

Live your life

Such as it is

While you have it

While you can.

Relish the sunshine

Savor the flowers

Bursting with spring

They are

What your soul needs now.

Talk to your neighbor

From a distance of course

Help them if you can.

We are all refugees now

There is no escape.

There are no borders

Anymore.

This is the whole world

A planet in pain and fear.

Live your life.

It is what you have

For now.

Enjoy each day, each moment

Find a way to laugh

To smile.

Courage will come.

This isn’t ending soon

I hope not for me

Or for you.

I have become quite the hiker.  There isn’t a whole lot else to do.  At least the fire roads near our house are open and not crowded at all.  It is a real blessing.

My goal this week was to burn 2000+ calories every day.  I did it!  Mainly with hiking/walking, but also with some time on the stationary bike.   I also did a few sit ups and push ups every other day or so.  Exercise can be fun and I believe it is also helping keep me healthy.  I really did up my game this week with 20,000+ more steps than last week, with an average of 5+ miles per day.  I am down only a little over a pound rather than more because I also increased my calorie intake.  I did enjoy that too!  This week I also dipped down to a number on the scale that I haven’t seen since my mid-30’s.  My weight loss curve has definitely begun to “flatten” in the last several months, however,  as I near the end of the “losing” journey and shift completely to simple maintenance.

Flattening the curve is a good thing.  A life-saving one in fact.

Two poems I wrote this week:

First, a kind of fun one.

Heel

I scraped my heel

Walking down a hill

Or maybe it was up

I can’t remember

I was well prepared

Thick socks and boots

Hiking sticks to lean on

It didn’t matter

Hills come

And we go up or down

Defying or giving in

To gravity

The view was worth it

At least I think it was

Because with time

My heel will likely heal

Isn’t that what we want?

Isn’t that why we were born?

To climb the hills

To accept the challenges?

To live our lives

Without regret?

Preparation always helps

But scrapes come still

I climbed a hill

But it seemed a mountain.

I’ve got the scars

To prove it.

And now a more serious one:

Virus

We are well stocked on food for awhile, thanks to a Costco 2 hour delivery which actually came the same day and within an hour and a half of ordering.  It was a minor miracle, as it has been taking a week to get “same day” deliveries.  We ordered 2 gallons of milk and gave one to the insta-cart shopper who said he could use it.  I don’t drink milk and no way could Anne drink two gallons before it went bad.  We also tipped generously, but it also felt good not to waste food when so many are hungry.

Be well!  Stay safe and healthy!

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 93507 steps last week for 38.7 miles.   I ate approximately 10906 calories and burned 14434 for a deficit of 3528. My average weight this week is down 1.3  pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 170.5

This is our quarantine pool.  It won’t be full of family and friends for awhile, like it has been at times in other summers, but I am grateful that it was warm enough to swim in it this week.  There are definitely worse places one could be sheltering in place.  It is important to stay grateful for some of the blessings we have.  I know I have more than my share right now even while we face some frustrations like a broken dishwashers.  I lived most of my life without one, so it really isn’t so bad and when it is safe to do so we can afford to have it repaired or replaced.  It is only 5 years old.  Is my memory faulty or did appliances used to last much longer than they do today?

Memory is funny.  Quarantine brain is a running joke among my facebook friends as we forget what day it is.  I wrote this poem after a conversation with my 30 something daughter.

When I Was Young

When I was young

We hid under our desks

For fear of the atom bomb

Now I hide in my house

Afraid of disease.

When you were young

You practiced lockdowns at school

For fear of bullets flying.

Now the schools are closed

And very safe one would think.

When I was young

The only homeless people I saw

Were hobos riding the rails

And long haired hippies

Looking for crash pads and revolution

When you were young

Tent cities crowded the streets

Of every city you saw

So much misery and poverty

And no one seemed to care.

Now there is some concern

But only to contain the viral

Spread of this dread disease

When we both were young

We went to concerts and rallies

We gathered with friends

And only robbers wore masks

Except for the Lone Ranger I guess

But he was the exception.

There are no exceptions now.

What will your children say

If you have them

About when they were young?

Will there still be long days at home

Writing sidewalk messages to the world

Grandparents and teachers on video

Unable to give kisses or grades

I’d bake the kids some cookies

But I may be out of flour.

It is a blessing to be old.

I hope you are really old someday.

Your children too

If you have them.

I kept to my calorie burn goal again this week and realized that I am back up to the amount of daily walking I was doing before my knee surgery.  And now a lot of it is on hills and trails, something I couldn’t do before my new knee.  Another thing to be grateful for.

I am also eating more, because of the extra exercise, and I am still recording all the calories I consume.  I guess some on the veggies, but I still weigh meat, cheese, and sweet potatoes, and I carefully count the calories in bread and the occasional cookie or other sweet.  My food scale lives on my kitchen counter.

I am VERY close to another “goal weight” which I think will be the last goal I will set as it will move me out of the “overweight” category into the “normal” range.  I am still suspicious of those charts, but given that I started out as “morbidly obese” it feels like quite an accomplishment.  I actually hit that number this morning, but my average for the week is 1.7 pounds higher.  Since I decided to use my average weight for each week to monitor my progress, I am sticking to that method.  Therefore, I will need to be that little bit further down before giving myself a rousing cheer.

Be well!  Stay safe and healthy!

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 108784 steps last week for 44 miles.   I ate approximately 11445 calories and burned 15169 for a deficit of 3724. My average weight this week is down .6 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 171.1

They say you’ll go

To Hell in a handbasket

But a basket

Is not what you’ll need

You’ll need a much bigger container

To hold all your fear and despair

And the demons that wake you

Just after midnight

When the world

Has been way too much

Hunker down, friend

That Hell is mainly in your mind.

Your nightmare imagination

Is restless

And needs to run through the streets.

The world can punish enough

Don’t give it any help.

When I finally settled on a name for my blog posts about the weight management program, “Daily Bread”, was almost a joke.  Bread was not on my meal planning lists at all – if fact I was only consuming “products” – the Optifast meal replacements that the program used.  But our “daily bread” in a metaphorical and theological context is not about baked goods, leavened or not, but instead is about what sustains us in both our physical and spiritual lives.  So I smiled and went with the name.

Two years later, I am eating actual bread again, not every day, and primarily thin sliced, whole grain varieties, but actual bread.  My weight is is the “normal range” for my height.

This week I have been experimenting with what it will mean to simply maintain my weight.   I exercised a little less compulsively and ate a few more calories.  I had a couple of cookies and a cocktail or two.  I still recorded every thing I ate, most of which was my now normal high protein, low carb diet, and I did exercise, including a 9 mile hike.  But it was less exercise overall and more calories, but even so, I lost another1.6 pounds this last week.

My weight is up a bit today, still in the normal range, but higher than last weeks average. That second Mothers’ Day martini was likely one too many, but it was worth it.

I wrote a couple of poems again this week:

I  Wonder

I wonder what my life

Would have been

If the path was less clear

If the trail had disappeared

Under a carpet of dead leaves

Dusty my feet got

And sore

Blisters appeared

When something

Rubbed me the wrong way

Still the trail called me

All I could do was follow

Never quite knowing

Where it would end

From space it must have seemed

Aimless

A wandering with no plan

Somehow though

I ended up here.

Thank God!

I think I got to this good place in my life partly because I have managed to escape the hell that too many of us create in our own minds, forgetting that we don’t have to be stuck there for all eternity.  God is so much better and more forgiving and accepting than we are.

Hell

They say you’ll go

To Hell in a handbasket

But a basket

Is not what you’ll need

You’ll need a much bigger container

To hold all your fear and despair

And the demons that wake you

Just after midnight

When the world

Has been way too much

Hunker down, friend

That Hell is mainly in your mind.

Your nightmare imagination

Is restless

And needs to run through the streets.

The world can punish enough

Don’t give it any help.

Be well, stay safe. Try to live with love – for yourself and for the world and all its creatures.

L’Chaim!  This week’s stats: My Fitbit report shows 92916 steps last week for 38 miles.   I ate approximately 12355 calories and burned 14660 for a deficit of 2305. My average weight this week is down 1.6 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 174.7

I can walk uphill

With confidence

Meeting the challenges

Reaching the summits

Sometimes I check the map

But the goal stays clear

And the view can dazzle me.

A descent is harder

It feels like falling

My boots slide on loose rocks

Half- buried roots grab at my toes

Sometimes to make it home

You have to go slow

And keep your eyes on the ground

Saving the far horizon

For another day.

My old hiking boots are falling apart, so I ordered a new pair from REI.  It is weird buying shoes through the mail, but that is the world we live in now.  Miracle of miracles though, they fit really well and are very comfortable when I walk around the house in them. I’ll give them a few more days of house hiking before I try them on a trail, but I think they are going to work just fine.

I am less sure of the new gear I will need to navigate the world we now live in.  The pandemic was bad enough, but the never ending murders of unarmed black men (and other people of color) by police officers has again sparked the intense outrage it has always deserved.  We don’t have a leader of the country right now who can provide any message of calm or of healing.  Justice is being denied once again.  The grief and desperation that has erupted has been met with even more police violence.  The way to stop riots and looting is to stop murdering people.  The way to healing is to end racism, particularly within law enforcement.

George Floyd was executed by 4 police officers for being accused of passing a bad $20 bill.  Eric Garner was choked to death for selling cigarettes without a license.  Black people can’t jog, watch birds, or even sleep in their own homes without risking death at the hands of the police.

The white supremacist who killed 9 African Americans in cold blood during a prayer circle at their church was taken alive and the cops who captured him bought him a burger because he was hungry when they took him to the jail.

In Germany it started with the Jews.  I am afraid for all of us but most particularly for my siblings of color.  #blacklivesmatter

I may have to hit the streets again in protest. In the ’60’s I wore steel toed boots to the demonstrations and wore a bandana for the tear gas.  My new hiking boots and COVIS-19 masks may have to do this time around. At least I can move a bit faster now after my weight loss and with my new knee.

Be well, stay safe.

L’Chaim!  Week 5 of maintenance: My Fitbit report from last week shows 98778 steps for 39 miles.   I ate approximately 12152 calories and burned 14832 for a deficit of 2680. My average weight this week is up  .2 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 174.

I did two hikes and one Black Lives Matter march last week.  One hike was through the lush beauty of Point Reyes via the Bear Valley Trail.  That one was 8 miles and fairly flat.

The other hike was to the Nike Missile site above San Rafael.  It was only 6.8 miles, but a much harder trail with an elevation gain of 1826 feet.

The BLM march was much shorter, only a couple of miles, but it was important for me to be there.  I missed my virtual group meeting to attend, but I know they will forgive me.  It made me a little nervous to march agin, given the pandemic, and there were at least 500 people there.  Almost all wore masks, however, something that is no longer true on the trails.  I guess people who care about justice really do care about others.

With all that activity, I lost a little more weight this week, even though all I need to do now is maintain.

No worries except for racism and homophobia.  The police murdered another young black man, Rayshard Brooks, who was just sleeping off a drink in his car. If he had been white, they would have simply woken him up and told him to call an UBER.  The Trump administration this week eliminated the affordable care act protections from discrimination for trans people.  I have friends that might die as a result.

No justice; no peace.  “We who believe in freedom cannot rest until it comes.”

Be well, stay safe. Work for justice.  #blacklivesmatter #translivesmatter

All lives will matter when the lives of the marginalized are valued.  Until that day comes, all lives clearly don’t matter.

L’Chaim!  Week 7 of maintenance: My Fitbit report from last week shows 97027 steps for 39 miles.   I ate approximately 12047 calories and burned 14500 for a deficit of 2453. My average weight this week is down 1.1 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 175.7.

We got away for a couple of days this week up to the Sierras.  Our Yosemite reservations were cancelled (again!) so we rented a room with a kitchenette at Lake Tahoe. They leave the rooms vacant for 24 hours after each guest, so it felt safe enough.  Our room was just about 20 steps from this beach.

There was a quick thunderstorm that afternoon which was fun since we’d finished our hike for that day.

I’d forgotten how beautiful and inspiring it is to hike in the Sierras.  We did a 10 mile round trip from Spooner Lake to Marlette Lake – way more than 20 steps and the longest hike I have taken in many years.  It was fairly high elevation, starting at 7100 and but we only had to climb around 1000 more so it seemed easier than some of the hikes we have taken in the hills around here.  Pine trees also provide a lot more shade than scrub oaks.

I didn’t take either of my food or my regular scale with me on the trip, so there was a lot of guesswork and my weekly weight average is for 4 days rather than the usual 7.   Down again, just a tad for the week.

Stay safe. Be Well. Black Lives Matter. YOUR life matters; LIVE it!

L’Chaim!  Week 9 of “maintenance”: My average weight this week is down .4 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 177.9.

Sunrise or sunset?  It depends on which direction you are facing.  East? West?  What time is it anyway?  The world keeps turning, life flows on, and perspectives change.  At least I hope so,

That old Marxist line about your politics depending on your relationship to the means of production, had a lot of truth in it. Social location matters.  White people can pretend racism doesn’t exist, but people of color don’t have that privilege.

I took 3 hikes this week. Two were over 6 miles with some serious elevation gain, but it was the shorter, flatter, 4 mile one that stressed my knee.  It wasn’t a fire road but a hiking only trail, and near the end of the loop there were way too many stairs for me.  70 or so. There wasn’t a lot of choice at that point, so I plodded up them.  Luckily, they were going up and not down, because then we might have needed to turn around.  My new knee is good, but my other one is not as steady and balance can be an issue.  Going down stairs without a solid railing to hang onto feels just too dangerous for me.  It is important to know your limits.  Luck matters too.  But even with luck, my old knee was really aching the day after that hike.  I’m sticking to the fire roads unless I know for a fact that there will be no stairs on a trail.

My average weight went up last week by 1.8 pounds which really feels like a lot even though I am still a couple of pounds under my “don’t go over” goal of 150.  We had Chinese take out earlier in the week, so it might be the salt.  Maintenance is hard partly because my perspective needs to change.  After two years of consistent weight loss, my brain has been wired to keep to that pattern.  But is the amazing sky a sunset or a sunrise?  Are the stairs going up or down?  I need to find a flat and shady trail so I don’t stress so much.

I found out last week that I have lost more weight than anyone else in Kaiser’s San Rafael/Petaluma medical weight management program.  That news startled and humbled me.   I am not sure how many people have participated in the program, but my guess is something around 800.  I want a prize.  Wait!  I have already received my prize in dramatically improved health.  I’ll figure out this maintenance game too.  It just might take me some time.

Back in the day, we had long rambling conversations about what our lives would be like “after the revolution.” We were idealistic, but more than a little clueless.   “Be the change you want to see.” It’s a great slogan, but change means change, and whatever your imagination came up with, the reality will be very different.  I’ll just think I’ll just”keep on trucking” and see where this trail leads.

L’Chaim!  Week 11 of “maintenance”: My average weight this week is up 1.8 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 175.9.

He was a healer they said

A miracle man

It didn’t matter

Who you were

Or what you had

He’d heal your body

And drive the demons

From your soul

Let the children come

Blessed are the poor

Feed the hungry

He had grave doubts

As to the possibility

That the rich 

Would ever

Find salvation

That doesn’t mean

They shouldn’t try

Miracles can happen

After all

We are back from the Sierras, but still hiking. The annual parking pass for seniors at the watershed is a deal. We can now hike around a lake under the trees rather than slogging up from the bottom of the mountain in the heat. There are a ton of different trails, so we will have a lot of exploring to do up there over the next year.

It has been 15 weeks since I decided, when I reached the “normal” weight for my height of 150 pounds, that I was done with losing weight. My body has apparently not agreed with that decision as she has lost another 10 pounds during that time all on her own. My healthier eating habits and hiking hobby are influencing her I think, but I haven’t been trying. No worries. I still weigh more than I did in my 20’s, so we will just wait and see what happens in the next few months.

I did write a poem this week. Not sure where it came from. I pretty much just write them down. Maybe I was thinking we could use more healers in this world. It would also help to have someone who could cast out the demons and heal us from racism and white supremacy.

Miracle Man

He was a healer they said

A miracle man

It didn’t matter

Who you were

Or what you had

He’d heal your body

And drive the demons

From your soul

Let the children come

Blessed are the poor

Feed the hungry

He had grave doubts

As to the possibility

That the rich 

Would ever

Find salvation

That doesn’t mean

They shouldn’t try

Miracles can happen

After all

L’Chaim!  Week 15 of “maintenance” which I haven’t actually reached: My average weight this week is down another 1.2 pounds from last week’s average for a total loss of 182.4