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Where to use the shorter services

21 October 2018 at 14:45

Dog at closed elevator door. Caption: "Help"So, I was trapped in an elevator this morning with my dog, so I thought I’d dash out a few good reasons why you’d want a short, structured service if that’s not your usual practice.

  • Additional services at Christmas, Holy Week and other times where demand might outstrip staffing.
  • Trial additional weekly services.
  • Services in a small or mission church, to provide continuity and support quality.
  • Special services in nursing and retirement homes, airports or any place where worship is handled on a shared community basis.
  • As the basis of streaming or broadcast services.
  • For minority-language services.

Other suggestions?

#Repost @lakeshoreunitariansociety with @get_repost รฃฦ’ยปรฃฦ’ยปรฃฦ’ยป Great weekend with members as we walked for @crophungerwalk to help end hunger in our communities! We are so proud to have raised $483. While it may not end world hunger tomorrow, every little but helps! . . . . . #lakeshoreunitariansociety #winnetka #unitarian #universalist #crophungerwalk #church #cropwalk #evanston #endhunger #helpothers #fundraising #walking #uua #lakeshore #community #walk #impact

16 October 2018 at 21:53
#Repost @lakeshoreunitariansociety with @get_repost ・・・ Great weekend with members as we walked for @crophungerwalk to help end hunger in our communities! We are so proud to have raised $483. While it may not end world hunger tomorrow, every little but helps! . . . . . #lakeshoreunitariansociety #winnetka #unitarian #universalist #crophungerwalk #church #cropwalk #evanston #endhunger #helpothers #fundraising #walking #uua #lakeshore #community #walk #impact

Attached media: https://scontent-frx5-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/c661a846c795cf47780526a568501eff/5C4D0E6C/t51.2885-15/e35/43023519_2315833988645863_4350327652204399566_n.jpg

Always a beginner

16 October 2018 at 19:23
Writing has taken a back seat to many things lately. Actually, writing has been the kid I forgot at home, lately. I can feel it when it has been too long. So today, in the spirit of early fall, I shall muck out my brain with the hopes of it fertilizing the things to come. Because I […]

Great weekend with members as we walked for @crophungerwalk to help end hunger in our communities! We are so proud to have raised $483. While it may not end world hunger tomorrow, every little bit helps! . . . . . #lakeshoreunitariansociety #winnetka #unitarian #universalist #crophungerwalk #church #cropwalk #evanston #endhunger #helpothers #fundraising #walking #uua #lakeshore #community #walk #impact

16 October 2018 at 01:11
Great weekend with members as we walked for @crophungerwalk to help end hunger in our communities! We are so proud to have raised $483. While it may not end world hunger tomorrow, every little bit helps! . . . . . #lakeshoreunitariansociety #winnetka #unitarian #universalist #crophungerwalk #church #cropwalk #evanston #endhunger #helpothers #fundraising #walking #uua #lakeshore #community #walk #impact

Attached media: https://scontent-frx5-1.cdninstagram.com/vp/d7b4b9dc763448446bd79ff08a861007/5C44D9E4/t51.2885-15/e35/43402929_343543836404058_4869067066041208866_n.jpg

What I Want To Say To My Almost Teenager (But Don't)

16 October 2018 at 01:00

This morning started with an argument, as seems to happen more often lately. It was over something silly, as is also the case most times. There were tears and slammed kitchen drawers. And eventually you stormed out in a huff to get on your bike to ride to school.

As soon as you left, I felt both relief and regret. Relief that the argument was over. Regret that we had argued, that you left with anger lingering between us.

And then, just as I was about to open the window to call out “I love you!,” you opened the door and lunged into my arms.

“I’m sorry, Mom,” you said. “I love you.”

I held you a little tighter than usual. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I love you too.”

But there was so much more I wanted to say. So much more I want to say – every day — but I don’t.

This is unchartered territory, my friend.

You tell me that I’m easier on your younger brother than I am on you, and maybe that’s true. But you are my first, and I have no means of comparison. I have no frame of reference to reassure me that, yesthis is just a phase and no, I don’t need to flip out. With him, I have the comfort of experience to assure me (albeit ever so slightly) that things will probably be okay.

But with you, well, I just don’t know. This is all new territory, and I’m so damn scared of falling short.

I see your goodness and kindness, but also your privilege. And I feel the weight and obligation of ensuring that is kept in check so that your privilege doesn’t morph into entitlement. So I rail against the “boys with be boys” mentality with an iron fist, and sometimes you are caught in the crosshairs. Sometimes you are the unintended victim of my rage at the inequalities and injustices of the world and my desperate attempts to right the wrongs of generations past. And so I obsess about seemingly insignificant things and talk too much about stuff you already know.

You are a sweet and sensitive soul, but as a white male, things will always be easier for you than they are for many other people. They just will. It’s your responsibility to use those comforts to make things better for others. And I am just so terrified that, as your mom, I won’t do a good enough job of teaching you this.

Basically, I’m terrified. All the time.

When you were a newborn, we used to spend late afternoons dancing. Anyone looking in on us would have thought, how sweet, a new mom swaying with her baby. But what they wouldn’t have known was that I did this with you simply because I didn’t know what else to do. I was exhausted and lonely and scared and didn’t know what to do with a 2-month-old baby. So we put on music and danced.

And sometimes I feel the same way now. You are just about 12 years old, and I feel a similar sense of exhaustion, loneliness, and fear. I don’t know what to do with an almost teenager, just like I didn’t know what to do with a newborn. And like in those early days of motherhood, I spend most days fending off a mild terror that I’m screwing this all up somehow.

You see, what parents don’t tell their kids – and don’t even admit to each other sometimes – is that we have no idea what we’re doing. Sure, we feel more comfortable with some decisions and we learn to trust our gut a bit, but there is always an undercurrent of fear. There are always the perpetual questions of: What should I do? Am I doing enough? Did I make the right decision? 

Because through all the fear and arguments and regrets, there is this one truth:

I am absolutely in awe of you.

I am in awe of who you are and who you are becoming. I am in awe of your joyful laughter. I am in awe of your quiet confidence in who you are.

I am in awe of your seemingly effortless way of captivating a room of people, and interacting with others. I am in awe of the whole-hearted way you love your family and friends and life. I am in awe of your steady way of walking through the world.

And because of this, I’m terrified of not doing right by you.

But I don’t tell you this.

Why? Well, I don’t know if you’d understand. I don’t know if it even matters, or if it’s just parental fretting.

But, really, you would understand. It does matter. And it’s not parenting fretting.

So mostly, I don’t tell you, because I just don’t know how.

The post What I Want To Say To My Almost Teenager (But Don’t) appeared first on Scary Mommy.

I Hate Halloween, And Here's Why

16 October 2018 at 01:00

Brace yourself, folks. I have a confession.

Here goes: I fucking HATE Halloween.

And I’m not just talking mild annoyance at the pumpkin spice explosion. Or cringe-worthy frustration at the (culturally) inappropriate costumes. Or eye-rolling nausea at the obnoxious hashtags and photo shoots. #mommyslittlepumpkin #makemebarf

I hate it all. I despise it. In fact, I downright loathe Halloween.

I’m the Halloween Grinch, and here’s why.

1. Costume stress.

GIPHY

Around our house, the Great Costume Debate typically starts sometime in early September and lingers right on through mid-October. First, there is the debate about whether to be a ghoul or a zombie (is there a difference?). Then there’s the debate about why I won’t spend $80 for a flimsy black robe and hood. And last, but certainly not least, is the arguing (and crying) that ensues when my kids decide that they don’t actually want to be a ghoul or a zombie, but instead they want to be Captain America and the Halloween Superstore is fresh out of superheroes. And I’m completely out of fucks.

2. The logistics of trick or treating.

GIPHY

When my kids were younger, the small talk at all the neighborhood houses made the introvert in me anxious as hell. Now that my kids are older, they are at an age where they can trick or treat on their own, but that doesn’t make it any less stressful. Because now there’s planning which neighborhood they’ll walk through and which friends they’ll go with and what time they need to be home.

Not to mention that some of their friends’ parents aren’t comfortable with their kids walking alone, so then I look like the asshole parent who just left her kid to walk the streets alone. Gosh, I miss those halloweens of the ’80s when we all ditched our parents and no one fretted about it.

3. Pumpkins fucking suck.

GIPHY

The pumpkin patch is basically a trip to a field where we fork over $30 for a pumpkin you need a wagon to haul home. Then there’s the pumpkin carving mess left in the kitchen after the kids scoop out a few spoonfuls of seeds and mush and leave the rest to you. Even if you do manage to carve a hot mess into a motherfucking gourd, within a couple days, it’s going to be rotting mess that attracts gangs of squirrels to the front porch.

4. The awful decorations.

GIPHY

There are basically two kinds of Halloween decorations: (1) disgustingly corny pumpkins and such. Or (2) ugly shit that is trying to be scary.

I’m far from a Joanna Gaines, but I’m pretty sure blood and gore doesn’t count as shabby chic.

5. It marks the beginning of holiday madness.

GIPHY

As if Halloween itself weren’t bad enough, it’s just the beginning of it all. I’ll be honest, as a working mom, I’m hanging on by a thread most days. I have about 18 minutes of free time each day, and I’ve been operating on 5 hours sleep for the past decade. So the last thing I need is to add 10 extra chores to my to-do list to keep up with the holiday shitshow.

So yeah, I suppose you could say I’m a Halloween grinch. Even the candy isn’t enough to shake it out of me, though the Reese’s pumpkins do come close.

The post I Hate Halloween, And Here’s Why appeared first on Scary Mommy.

Eve Was Framed

10 October 2018 at 14:52
By: RevWik
Artist Unknown This is the text of the reflections I offered on Sunday, October 7, 2018 atย the congregation I serveย in Charlottesville, Virginia. There's a joke I've always loved, but always have to look up to make sure I get it right.ย ย When I looked it up (again) this week I discovered that in a 2005 poll in the UK it had beenย voted the funniest religious joke: I was walking across a

These Tweets Show The Fiery Force That Is Women Supporting Women

10 October 2018 at 01:00

It’s a tough time to be a woman right now. Our political leaders have just laughed in our faces, mocked our pain, and given the middle finger to equality. Meanwhile, we’re forced to watch another entitled, rich, white man rise to the top. Blegh.

We’re vulnerable, angry, and fed the fuck up. Our rage is at peak level, but so is the sadness. We’re basically walking around ready to either burst into flames or sobs at any moment.

So circle up, friends. Because women supporting women is about the most badass thing we can do right now. And if you need proof, look no further than Twitter.

First off, we’re never too young for #girlpower.

Once was out for lunch with my 2yo. This jerk was complaining about his female boss. Little one slammed her hand down on the table, pointed at him and yelled ‘That’s not very nice’. He shut up. I have been learning from her ever since. #girlssupportinggirls #fuckpoliteness

— Dana (@dbjarnagage) October 6, 2018

And we’re there for each other during those tricky times.

If a girls asks me for a tampon and I don't have one for her, best believe we bouta search the entire vicinity together to find her a tampon

— Kailee 🌍 (@QuarteroRae) March 5, 2017

And when we need a little help from our friends (or a stranger).

Walked into a bathroom at the club, saw a security guard harassing this chick so I’m like “hey girl, I’ve been looking for you everywhere the bands about to start” took her hand and we left. Never seen her before in my life #girlssupportinggirls

— dontbeadick (@spotbakesacake) October 6, 2018

We’ve got each other’s back.

the girl in front of me in the lecture was watching grey’s anatomy, looked back and saw me staring so she put on the subtitles.

girls support girls.

— bia ❦ (@veryfawny) October 3, 2017

We are always looking out for each other.

A man plainly followed me onto my bus. Woman came to sit by me & asked if I knew he was following me. She offered to get off at my stop w me

— Natalie Jester (@NatalieJester) August 12, 2017

We know when one of us needs a pick me up…

When a group of teenage girls stop you at the convenience store to tell you that your highlight is popping and that you're gorgeous there are still good people out there 😭#girlssupportinggirls

— Bren ✨ (@brennamarie118) January 9, 2018

Or a little beauty advice.

i asked this girl where she got her nails done&she googled the exact address & showed me a pic of the building THATS girls supporting girls

— frog’s breath (@rosyghoul) August 6, 2017

I asked a girl where did she cut her hair and she took an appointment for me and a discount at that hairdresser…girls support all the way!

— Hana Osman | هناء عثمان (@HanaOsman) August 8, 2017

And when the times comes to unleash our fierce, badass rage on the world, we know what to do.

ladies: what’s your makeup routine? i’m looking for a new foundation, preferably liquid but still matte and now that the men have stopped reading we riot at midnight

— aída chávez (@aidachavez) September 28, 2018

And we’re there with reinforcements.

I use a nice gloss called YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE.

— Lisa Braun Dubbels (@lisadubbels) October 2, 2018

I use a shade called RAGE and a blusher called BURN IT DOWN.

— Lisa Braun Dubbels (@lisadubbels) September 28, 2018

We’re ON IT.

I have the same trouble but with eyeliner. Apparently rosewater makes an excellent make up fixer but it's about time, see you on the battlefield, sisters.

— Deadly Knitshade (@deadlyknitshade) October 2, 2018

Ooh I’ll try that! It might help with my concealer too. My biggest problem are my under-eye bags though. I am only just starting to learn how to minimize them it’s cold in some places maybe you could bring some knitted things to keep our sisters warm

— SCARE-en James ❄ (@kejames) October 2, 2018

Even though I’m 71, I ♥ Cover Girl. I need some tips on using mascara, please ..... meet us in the parking lot behind Safeway and be ready to throw some cocktails ha ha ha (insert maniacal laughter here).

— Lynda Franka (@lyndaarizona) September 30, 2018

I’m in. My new eyebrow pencil is Definition of Rage and my ultimate fave lipstick is Cat 5 Hurricane by Survivor Scorned.🔥💪💞

— Kristine Kenyon (@kristine_kenyon) September 30, 2018

Follow the bat signal, folks. Favorite foundation and lip gloss optional.

Makeup tips are the new bat signal. Done.

— TMarie (@tessas_marie) September 30, 2018

The post These Tweets Show The Fiery Force That Is Women Supporting Women appeared first on Scary Mommy.

As A Mom Of Boys, I Am Worried - And Here's Why

5 October 2018 at 11:00

This is a strange time to be a mom of boys.

In the past week alone, my sons (I don’t have any daughters) have come home from school to see news media stories talking about things like gang rape and devil’s triangle. They have seen me cry (more than usual) about things happening on the news or something I’ve read on the Internet.  They have heard debates about whether we should believe him or her.

While the majority of stories being told are of the fears women face on a regular basis, there is a growing concern about our boys. What about our sons?, people say. I’m scared to be raising a boy right now.

And you know what?

As a mom of boys, I am scared. I am worried.

And let me tell you why.

Things I worry about as a mom of boys:

– Whether they actually washed their hands after going to the bathroom

– All the “wet spots” in the bathroom

– The weird smell coming from their bedroom

– The ways that our culture  of toxic masculinity will make them feel like they need to “man up” or “stuff their emotions”

– That they won’t feel like they can be a sensitive and feeling person because they are male

– That I’ll get stuck in a long, never ending conversation about Fortnite, again

– All the money they are wasting on “V bucks” for said Fortnite games

– Whether they’ll remember to put on deodorant in the morning and again after gym class

– Whether they will ever truly realize the privilege they carry as (white) males in this society

– If they’ll use that privilege for good

– Whether they will get their heart broken one day

– Whether they will stand up to their friends when they tell an inappropriate joke or say something mean

– Whether they’ll drive safely and remember to use their turn signals

– If they’ll call home enough after they leave the house one day

– That despite all the conversations we have about consent and respect that the messages they are hearing from the President and other “leaders” will filter in, that they’ll see other boys and men not being held accountable for their mistakes, that they’ll become desensitized to the disgusting and amoral behavior being justified by some people right now and somehow, in some small way, all the things that I have tried to teach them will be minimized or erased

– Whether I’m doing everything I can to raise them to be good, kind, caring, generous, sensitive people

Things I DON’T worry about as a mom of boys:

– Whether they will be falsely accused of sexual assault one day.

Period.

The post As A Mom Of Boys, I Am Worried — And Here’s Why appeared first on Scary Mommy.

5 Movie 'Favorites' That Are Actually Pretty Awful

5 October 2018 at 01:00

I am a child of the ’80s. So, by all definitions, I should be able to quote The Princess Bride, know the founding members of the Brat Pack, and worship at the altar of Carrie Fisher. The trouble is, our family didn’t have cable, and I rarely went to the movies. I didn’t know Carrie Fisher was the actress who played Princess Leia until about 6 years ago – because I hadn’t seen Star Wars until 6 years ago. I still don’t know who the Brat Pack is, and I hadn’t seen The Princess Bride until recently.

I know, I know. I’m an embarrassment to my generation and all that. Except you know what? Many of those movies that we swoon over from our childhoods are actually pretty terrible. Sure, Carrie Fisher was a bona fide badass, and Star Wars is every bit as amazing as it’s hailed to be. But the rest of it? Well, it’s trash — mostly for the hidden and smack-you-in-the-face-obvious sexist and racist messages. And if it isn’t total trash, it’s a whole lot of blah and meh and what-was-the-big-deal-anyway.

I’m probably committing some kind of blasphemy with this list, but here are just a few cult classics that are actually pretty awful.

1. Rocky

MGM/Chartoff-Winkler Productions/United Artists

I’m no boxing fan, so that probably should have been my first tip-off that I wouldn’t love this movie, but I truly don’t understand the appeal. Even if you can appreciate the “underdog” aspect, there are a lot of big, glaring problems in this movie. Like Rocky’s treatment of Adrian, for one. Within the first few minutes of watching the movie, I’d had several conversations with my kids about consent and misogyny which led to a mom-lecture about how, when Adrian said she wasn’t comfortable in Rocky’s apartment, he should have said, “Okay, I’ll walk you home.” No means no, people!

2. The Princess Bride

MGM/Act III Communications/21st Century Fox

I’ll admit, the movie is pretty funny, but what’s the deal with Princess Buttercup? She is the Worst. Character. Ever. I’ll grant you the Inigo is hilarious and all that. But why are all the good characters in the movie men? The only female character is the movie is absolutely worthless. It was a little hard to watch with my boys without launching into a lecture – and they had enough of those with Rocky.

3. Grease

RSO Records/Paramount Pictures

The first song of the year actually condones date rape with its “Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?” line. WTAF! This whole movie with its slut shaming, patriarchal stereotypes, and blurred lines about consent is just one big dumpster fire of awful.

4. Sixteen Candles

'80s movies

Lara de Lille / YouTube

It truly pains me to include this movie on the list, but sometimes even the great ones disappoint us. As much as I love me some Jake Ryan (who doesn’t swoon when he says, “yeah, you” at the end?), there are just too many problematic things in this movie, including the date rapey scene with Samantha and “the geek” at the end. Not to mention it’s kinda racist AF.

5. A Christmas Story

MGM

I’m not even sure where to start with this one. First of all, the plot is boring and it’s not that funny. Then there are the ’40s-era stereotypes, mocking of different cultures, and abusive parenting tactics. At least with this one, it was my kids who were appalled – why is she putting soap in her kid’s mouth?! That’s just mean!

Now before you call me a stick-in-the-mud who can’t appreciate ’80s pop culture, I do appreciate a bunch of ’80s cult classics that withstand the test of time: Star Wars (Carrie Fisher is the epitome of badassery), Stand By Me and Dirty Dancing (#BestMovieEver). And I still haven’t seen Indiana Jones or Fast Times At Ridgemont High or Heathers (I told you I had a sheltered childhood) so I’m reserving judgment on those.

The post 5 Movie ‘Favorites’ That Are Actually Pretty Awful appeared first on Scary Mommy.

Damn Right, I'm Making My Kids Share A Room - Here's Why

4 October 2018 at 01:00

Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my younger sister. We lived in a small split-level house that had fewer bedrooms than people so there was really no other choice. Since we were only 17 months apart in age, our lives overlapped in a lot of ways – we had many of the same friends, were in the same sports, and shared clothes. So as a kid, sharing a room was just one more way in which my life seemed to be perpetually intertwined with my sister’s.

And not always in a good way.

As kids, we would tape lines down the middle of our room, including dresser drawers and closets. These boundaries usually lasted a couple days until one of us was out of clean socks and needed to gain passage to “the other side” of the room to borrow a pair of clean ones. My sister kept me up at night with her late night chatting, and as a teen, I quickly grew tired of her eavesdropping on my phone conversations.

I wanted space and independence, dammit. And back then, I was certain that when I had I kids, I would do whatever it took so they could each have their own room.

Well, fast-forward 20 years, and I am firmly and forever on #TeamShareARoom.

Even though my two kids could technically have their own room, for better or worse, they bunk together. And here’s why.

1. They’ll learn to share space.

Throughout their lives, they will likely have to share space with another human – whether it’s a college roommate, a spouse, or a co-worker. Sharing a bedroom as kids gives them practice at dealing with the bullshit and annoyances that come along with sharing space. The way I see it, I’m giving them good practice at dealing with that co-worker who leaves food in the office fridge too long or a spouse who can’t seem to get their socks in the laundry hamper. Ideally, it’s teaching them to not leave their food in the office fridge too long and to put their socks in the hamper.

You’re welcome, future co-workers and spouses.

2. They’ll have lasting memories.

Sure, those memories might be of me hollering up the stairs for them to GO THE EFF TO SLEEP!, but they’ll be memories nonetheless. Ideally, the memories will also include late-night conversations or helping each other with homework one day, but I’m a realist.

3. It fosters connection.

Given that my kids are 3.5 years apart, their lives don’t overlap as much as my sister’s and mine did. But I can already see the ways they are bonding because they share a room. There are many days when they bicker from morning to night, but then within a few minutes of “lights out,” I’ll hear them giggling about some inside joke or whispering about something that happened at school.

My younger son has opened up to his older brother about problems he was having at school, and my older son tells him about something cool he learned in middle school history class. By the end of the day, I’m pretty much done so I have no use for bedtime shenanigans, and they often use each other for comfort.

4. They learn that bigger isn’t always better.

Full disclosure: I’m a minimalist at heart. Extra clutter and “stuff” fills me with anxiety. That said, even aside from my propensity for a “less is more” lifestyle, it’s pretty obvious that our society has become a teensy bit obsessed with the bigger is better mentality. We have smaller families but live in bigger houses than ever before – and, quite frankly, it isn’t doing our world any good. By sharing a room, my kids are learning how to occupy less space. They are learning that stuff — houses, bedrooms, belongings — aren’t as important as relationships.

My kids have shared a room for the past 5 years or so, and despite some grumbling now and then, it’s been one of the best parenting decisions we’ve ever made. It took some convincing to get my husband to come around to the whole idea (big surprise: he didn’t share a room growing up), but even he would agree that it’s been a good move.

Our oldest son is precariously close to the teen years, which will likely complicate things a bit, but they’ll just have to figure out how to make it work. Because I firmly believe that sharing a room provides lasting benefits that far outweigh any of the downsides.

So sorry, kids, but you’ll be sharing a room for the next several years, whether you like it or not. And yes, one day, you’ll thank me.

Even if that “thank you” doesn’t come through actual words, but because you also make your own kids share a room too.

The post Damn Right, I’m Making My Kids Share A Room — Here’s Why appeared first on Scary Mommy.

A Reason to Hope

1 October 2018 at 16:24
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered on September 30, 2018 at the Unitarian Universalist congregation I serve in Charlottesville, VA TV writer Aaron Fullerton photoshopped an image fromย inside the room in the U.S. Capitol,next to a dystopian government meeting in the show on Twitter As I listened on Thursday to the testimony of Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, I knew that what I'd

Sermon: Guiding One Another

1 October 2018 at 03:00

I preached this sermon — in fact, I jettisoned a part in the middle for time — at Universalist National Memorial Church, on September 30, 2018 with the lectionary texts from Numbers and James.


I would like to thank Pastor Gatton for inviting me into the pulpit his morning, and to you, for welcoming me to the pulpit today.

A couple of weeks ago I got a partial root canal. It turns out that I’ve been grinding my teeth and eventually a cracked one of them. I may end up still losing the tooth. I might lose other teeth besides, because I keep gritting and grinding my teeth. Lately, I’ve been grinding my teeth every day. Perhaps you understand.

The last two times I preached in this pulpit, the president had done something awful and I thought it was my responsibility to address that in theological terms. The hearings of the Senate last week, including the harrowing testimony we heard, also counts as something awful. But I want to continue with my prepared remarks, and hope that what I have to say might spare me some teeth, and spare you some pain, by giving you strength and resources that the Executive, Legislature and the Judiciary can neither give nor take away.

I looked at the texts assigned for today in the Revised Common Lectionary, an ecumenical readings calendar that breaks up the bulk of the Bible into a three-year cycle. It’s online; you can search for it. You might be interested in the scope of readings, what thoughts and feelings they evoke and how the readings relate to one another. (It’s also a point of pride. The committee that produced the Revised Common Lectionary included Unitarian Universalist Christians, and we don’t often have a place at the ecumenical table.)

So, we have for today a lesson from Esther, about her daringly exposing Haman as the plotting enemy of the Jews, with a psalm to match, used today in the opening words. There’s a gospel reading from Mark, with teachings from Jesus, including the well-known phrase “Whoever is not against us is for us.” But to be frank, Esther’s passage ended in violent death for the baddy and Jesus teaches one of those passages that makes Universalists itch, and I did that last time. And I saw something the other two had in common: teaching about the practice of faith itself.

So, I’d like to visit some of the practical and pastoral guidance the Bible has passed down the generations, and pull out some parts that apply to us today. And while I already have the curtain pulled back, and looking at how the sausage is made, let’s be clear about about what we might find in scripture.

Despite how some big-platform preachers might act, there’s not a one-to-one correlation between what the Bible records and what people do, much less what people ought to do. The Bible, in this sense, does not speak. It is not a guide book, instruction manual or cookbook. When I was a youth in Georgia, there was a popular bumper sticker that read “The Bible says it. I believe it. That settles it” which is entirely the wrong approach, because that all too easily becomes “I believe it. I will show that the Bible backs me. Don’t you dare cross me.” We have to be continuously on guard against self-validating appeals to divine power: self-validation that empowers bullies and fanatics, and builds walls between us and where God might lead us. The world is loud and scripture whispers.

There’s another risk. Take the current political moment. I find it intensely frustrating and often frightening. It would be all too easy to withdraw from awkward conversations, rigorous engagement and public participation and enjoy a private life. That’s what the Amish did; they are descended from one of the most radical Christian traditions of the Reformation and were so brutally persecuted that they withdrew from society.

And one last thing. And if we’re honest, we know these works have been compiled and edited within a particular historical and cultural contexts. This human hand does not distract from its divine origin, but reminds us that while they were lived in the Iron Age, we do not. We have to interpret these words for our time. We have to figure out what these words meant in their time, and hear that anew. This is what distinguishes the liberal approach.

Now, let’s review the reading book of Numbers (Numbers 11:4-6, 10-16, 24-29).

Numbers is the fourth book of the Bible, and in the Torah, the heart of scripture, so shared by Jews and Christians. The Hebrew name translates to “in the Wilderness” and the English name refers to the censuses recorded in it. On the whole, it can be drowsy reading; this is practically an action scene, so it does take special care to uncover its meaning.

If you have not read Numbers — there was no homework — have not read it, or heard much about it, the “storyline” follows much what we find in the second half of that monumental film, “The Ten Commandments.” The Hebrew people had been released from captivity in Egypt through God’s action. Numbers covers the time from God’s self-revelation to Moses on Mount Sinai to the entrance of the people Israel into the land of Canaan.

But what’s this “mixed multitude” really forty years in the wilderness? At least one English Baptist scholar (Harold Henry Rowley; see note in Plaut’s Torah, p. 1011.) thinks that the Exile in the wilderness was only 2 years long: the 2 years that are mentioned in Numbers as the first and last year. The other 38 years were slotted in between.

Why would someone do that?

The Exodus narrative here and in the book of Exodus show how the people stopped being slaves, went out of Egypt and became a people in their own right, seeking a new homeland. But that it was a challenge and a process, and that they failed to hear and mind God along the way.

It’s easier to believe this idea of a nation developed over the course of generations, and not a single trip through the scorching and hostile desert, however long. What the point of the story is to say that one generation died that another generation and people would live.

And the number 40 is important to suggest a long duration. Where else do we see this number? The 40 days of the flood. Jesus’s 40 days in the wilderness. A number which suggests a long time, and not to be understood literally. But the meaning is clear enough, once you understand the intent. It’s not a matter of deception or exaggeration, but coding the story with extra meaning. Which is fair, if you know what the code is.

One way to understand scripture is to understand where you are in the story. In this view, you have to think of yourself as being a part of the story rather than it happening to someone else. This way, we grow in empathy and see if there are parallels in how those people found God in their lives to see if we can find God in our own. A borrowed life lesson that provides a common language.

And also a link that provides context for other parts of the Bible. For example, Jesus would have known this passage, of course, and alludes to the manna in the sixth chapter of the gospel of John:

Verily, verily, I say unto you, He that believeth hath eternal life. I am the bread of life. Your fathers did eat the manna in the wilderness, and they died. This is the bread which cometh down out of heaven, that a man may eat thereof, and not die. (vv. 47-50, Revised Version)

This changes our understanding of John: that Jesus was the renewal of promise, provision for the liberated, and reward for the wandering. It makes comments about pride or cannibalism seem silly and doctrinaire.

So, a few passages before today’s reading, we headed out into the wilderness with the people Israel, from the mountain of the Eternal, following the cloud that rose from the Ark of the Covenant. They went out in ranks, like an army. The people moved, and encamped, and grumbled. A mixed crowd; a little bit of everyone. A “motley crew” long before that became the name of a metal band.

What makes this telling of the story different from the one in Exodus (or Cecil B. DeMille) is how it was edited and what it focuses on.

Also, since we ascribe great worth to the Bible, it’s worth knowing how it came to be. The usual, pious understanding is that the first five books of the Bible — the Torah — were written by Moses personally. But there have also been serious and faithful questions for hundreds of years. But a simple reading of scripture should throw that into doubt. For one thing, how could Moses be the author if it records his death?

The work of “lower criticism” looks at the books, their structure and vocabulary, and try to understand the sources that we were developed to make these works as we know them. Written works don’t last forever. We don’t have a “first edition” or manuscript of any part of the Bible, and until the discovery of the Dead Sea Scrolls in the 1940s and 1950, the oldest portions of the standard Masoretic version of the Torah we have is about eleven centuries old. The oldest biblical text we have today — say, 26 centuries old — is a in a rolled up silver amulet, so fragile that it had to be read with modern imaging technology: a part of the priestly blessing, from Numbers.

According to lower theory, there are four main sources for the Torah. Two — known as the E and the J sources, based on how God in named in the text. A D source, for Deuteronomy, which seems to be its own thing, and a P, or “priestly” source.

(We see a similar kind of development in play in the the four Gospels.) So where critics of scripture see contradictions and foolishness we see development, versions and alternatives.

Numbers relies on the priestly source, suggesting the book is about 25 or 26 centuries old, and based on the older E and J sources. That is, the underlying question in Numbers is “what is the role of priests in the community?” That doesn’t mean so much for us today, but it means there’s an editorial viewpoint that means the text cannot be read at face value, leading us to the historical or “higher” criticism.

This is where we pick up our lesson. Our passage skips over the manna. This strange, monotonous food; I imagine it would be like eating nothing but chia seeds. And, what do we have now? What is this? But, oh, remember the food in Egypt! he people are on their last nerve, “the Lord was very angry, and Moses was distressed.” (11:10, Plaut trans.) Then the Eternal God bid Moses bring seventy of the “elders and officers” of the people to the presence of the Eternal God, with Moses so that he would not bear the responsibility of leadership alone. (10:17) Those gathered with Moses spoke in an ecstatic voice when the spirit of the Eternal God came upon them, but not those leaders alone. Two others, named Eldad and Medad, did too: Moses would not restrain them. And then the feast of quail come down — maybe 50, 100 bushels full. The people were hit with a plague, and the motley crew, having buried their dead at the place named “graves of craving” set out again.

And perhaps the hunger for meat meant a return the familiar life of Egyptian captivity. One of relative ease and luxury; something more than literal meat, and something manna couldn’t feed.

Dear friends, we have the ability to be a great blessing to ourselves and to others. We have within ourselves the seed of greatness; “the kingdom of God is within you.” This is not an escapist fantasy. It however does take imagination. An imagination that resists the deadening pall of convention and the limitations of second guessing: an imagination and a direction that bubbles up possibilities inside us, and that God has set before us. Possibilities that create a hunger for something different, and before you know it, this faith has us wanting something better and seeking to make it real. I believe that there is a Divine path that we can take — one that we have no monopoly over — and welcomes companions. A way described in our passage from James:

Are any among you suffering? They should pray. Are any cheerful? They should sing songs of praise.

Now, none of us alone can make the world right, but each of us can do our part to make it better.

As we proceed, we must ask ourselves: in what way do we mean better? A thin 51% control over the other 49%? Luxuries that we enjoy that others could not possibly also have? Sympathy that stops at the D.C. line or some other border? Lip service to full participation in the economic, moral, political and spiritual matters but acquiescence to the various systems that make this participation impossible? Not any of these, of course.

So taking the love of God, a humble and prayerful heart and a great deal of hard work; we must pray God to raise up scouts and guides for the journey, wherever they may come from; to apply ourselves to prayer and praise; confession and healing; guidance and counsel; and no less than all of these to use our minds and good sense to “prove all things; hold fast that which is good.” (1 Thes. 5:21)

This is what we may enjoy and offer future generations. May God bless us now and forever.

These Bridezillas Are Just THE WORST

30 September 2018 at 01:00

Ahh, weddings… Who doesn’t love them? There’s love and romance, charcuterie boards and hors d’oeuvres, cocktails and cheesy ‘80s music. What isn’t to love about weddings?

Well, the drama, for one. We all know that weddings can make people a little bonkers, to say the least. I once got into a weeks long “debate” with my mom over chair covers. Chair covers, people! (Side note: she came around to the idea and they looked freaking amazing, I might add.)

But sometimes the wedding madness goes beyond chair covers and decisions about whether to invite your cousin Carol and her bratty kids. Sometimes weddings can turn people into obnoxious asshats, who are dead set on sucking every ounce of joy out of the wedding in their misguided attempts to create the perfect wedding day. (Newsflash, folks: perfect is overrated.)

So lest you want to become the subject of wedding fodder, it’s best to avoid the following:

Making Guests Pay For Your Wedding

If you can believe it, this woman tried to charge each of her wedding guests $1,500 to attend the ceremony. Yes, you read that right. FIFTEEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. And then when folks didn’t cough up the cash, she cancelled the wedding.

“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamed of without proper funding?” she wrote. “We sacrificed so much and only asked each guest for around $1,500.”

BAHAHAHAHA. We’re cry laughing too. We’ll give you a minute to wipe the tears from your eyes.

Kicking Bridesmaids Out Of The Wedding

Being asked to be in someone’s wedding party is a big responsibility. We get it. But you’re supposed to be friends, right?

Earlier this year, Twitter user Courtney Duffy shared an email she received from a bride kicking her out of the wedding posse. Duffy then took to social media with her tale, asking airline JetBlue to help her out.

“SOS JetBlue! Booked my X-C flights for a wedding, then was asked ‘to relinquish’ my ‘duties as a bridesmaid’ & mail my bridesmaid outfit X-C so another girl could fill in and wear it (Happy bday to me!),” she wrote. “I am laughing & crying & must avoid this wedding at all costs. Pls help?”

Issuing Ridiculous Demands To Wedding Guests

Yes, we understand that you want your big day to be “perfect.” But slow your roll, Janet, you are not the motherfucking queen of the universe here, so you can just CTFD with your requests for expensive gifts, bans on certain hairstyles, and fashion mandates.

This bridezilla from hell recently became internet (in)famous for her ridiculous list of demands that includes “do not wear white, cream or ivory” and “do not wear anything other than a basic bob or ponytail” and “must come with gift of $75 or more.”

Kindly refrain from upstaging the bride on her big day — oh, and no admission without a gift of $75 or more from ChoosingBeggars

We’re gonna go out on a limb and guess that the number of weddings guests was pretty low. As in we’d be surprised if anyone showed up at all.

Asking Your Wedding Party To Spend A Shit Ton Of Money On Dress, Travel, And Other Nonsense

Weddings aren’t generally known for being “cheap” or “easy,” so if a bride or groom asks us to be in their wedding party, we know it’ll come with a price tag.

BUT.

We don’t expect to be asked to take out a second mortgage on our house, sell a kidney, or cash our kids’ college fund just to be able to be in your wedding. It’s bad enough that we’re asked to cough up several hundred dollars on an outfit we likely won’t wear again, please don’t ask us to pay for airline tickets to the other side of the globe  just so you can get married in front of one of the Seven Wonders of the World. And while we’re at it, no, you can’t demand people to  be flying across the globe on a separate trip to give you a “last fling before the ring” either.

Generally Being An Awful Human Being

Sometimes the bridezilla isn’t even the bride. This monster-of-the-bride wrote in to Salon’s Dear Prudence advice column asking whether it was okay to ask the bride to exclude her best friend – who happens to have a limp – from the wedding party. Yep, you read that right. This parent wanted to exclude their daughter’s BFF from the wedding party because she walks with a limp.

I am no longer of this earth. This letter has killed me. https://t.co/McnBl7wsfS pic.twitter.com/vAK3xsWiVh

— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) September 6, 2017

There is so much wrong with this hot mess of a letter — not even sure where to start. First, this is one of the meanest and ugliest things ever written, and I can’t even believe this has to be said, but a limp is nothing to be ashamed of. Reminder: this isn’t even the parent’s wedding (but their daughter’s wedding), so back the fuck off, Mom (or Dad).

But most importantly, what the hell is wrong with this person?

As Daniel Mallory Ortberg, the voice behind the Dear Prudence column, concluded in his response letter: “I encourage you to profoundly reconsider the orientation of your heart.”

Indeed.

The post These Bridezillas Are Just THE WORST appeared first on Scary Mommy.

Members of One Another

24 September 2018 at 16:05
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered to the congregation I serve on Sunday, September 23, 2018. The various traditions and lineages of Buddhism disagree with one another as much as the different branches of Christianity do (or, for that matter, people who understand Unitarian Universalism differently).ย  These various traditions and lineages do share many common teachings, of course.

The Chap Rap

24 September 2018 at 13:37
By: admin

It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’m now at Travis Air Force Base following officer training in May and June and chaplain college in August and September. I’m looking forward to my first real weekend off since May, with Cindy, soon. In my first four months of Air Force life I’ve been away three.

At Travis I’ve been assigned to the 60th Air Mobility Wing’s Maintenance Group, partly because I’m a former maintainer myself (aircraft inspection). There were two assumptions made in this assignment. First, that my old (very very old) maintenance badge gives me street cred with my five squadrons. This is totally true. This badge has a 75 percent success rate in opening up conversations. Second, that I’m good at fixing stuff. Because my training 20 years ago inspecting aircraft bits and pieces makes me a mechanic. Well, not so much, but we’ll roll with it. This second assumption led to my spending the weekend fixing the “Chap Rap” cart used for unit engagement along the two-mile flight line. We have C5s and C17s, so the ramp is HUGE.

I wish I could take a picture of the view from the garage. Lined up into the distant are the largest and most agile superheavy transports in the world.

The Chap Rap has been sitting in a bay for five years unused. How do I know this? Because the Little Debbie snack cakes in the back are dated “fresh until December 2013.” I’m here to say that Little Debbies are still yummy after five years on the shelf. Anyhow… I digress.

So here I am with this cart loaded with eight batteries completely melted together into one battery-acid fused mess. No, motor pool cannot help here. This is an “unassigned” asset or some such thing that means “fix it yourself chaps.”

Apparently, no chaplain in the last five years has been able to do so. Theological superpowers do not seem to be effective on exploded batteries.

14 hours later, new batteries installed, battery acid cleaned out, and the Chap Rap is ready for the new wiring harness that I’m ordering next week. Stay tuned for photos from the Chap Rap.

I should also share what I’m going to DO with the Chap Rap. Basically, drive around the flight line looking for maintenance personnel (since I am the MX chaplain). If I were the hospital/support/ops chaplain I’d, like, not do any of this and be boring. Anyhow, I drive up, offer some Little Debbies, Gatorade, Otterpops (really appreciated this time of year), coffee, whatever’s been donated, get a brief on what they’re doing (“so, tell me what you’re doing to that widget there”). See… here’s the deal. The chaplain drives up, it’s a free break. The commander wants me to do this stuff so when the $%!# hits the fan his/her folks know where to turn. Personnel want me to do this stuff because they get free breaks and goodies. (One never knows what’s going to be in the trunk of a Chap Rap, so it damn well better be good stuff.) Chaps love this stuff because we get to talk about airplanes and get to know the Airmen.

Solidarity

17 September 2018 at 16:00
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered on Sunday, September 16, 2018 at the Unitarian Universalist congregation I serve in Charlottesville, Virginia. This morning I'd like us to explore two ideas:ย  marginalized community, and beloved community.ย  We hear both of these terms a fair bit, yet with one of them we have all too many examples to look to, and the other nowhere near far

Water & Community

3 September 2018 at 13:00
By: RevWik
This is this text of the reflections I offered on September 2, 2018, at the congregation I serve in Charlottesville, Virginia. Water is pretty awesome. 50% - 60% of the human body is made up of water.ย  Did you know that?ย  50% - 60%.ย  And some 75% -- ยพ -- of the earth's surface is covered in water.ย  (Some people say we shouldn't call our planet "Earth;" we should have called it, "Water.")ย 

Surprised by Joy

27 August 2018 at 17:46
By: RevWik
Elwyn Brooks White, better known as E. B. White, may be best known as the author of Charlotte'sWeb and Stuart Little, or, by people of a certain age, the co-author of a little volume often called Strunk & White or, more accurately The Elements of Style.ย  (Some people shudder at the memory of it; others delight in its clarity and decisiveness.ย  Most are surprised to know that it was written by

On Falling and Rising

27 August 2018 at 14:56
By: RevWik
Herย marriage had imploded, leaving her a divorced, single mother, dependent on welfare to get her from day-to-day.ย  She was severely depressed, and things felt so bad to her that she considered suicide.ย  To make matters worse, perhaps, she also was an aspiring author.ย  She said ever since she had learned what a writer was, she wanted to be one.ย  So she would take her baby and a number

8-15-8-6-45

6 August 2018 at 15:55
By: RevWik
Today is the anniversary of the bombing of Hiroshima, Japan 73 years ago.ย  At the time of the bombing the city's population was approximatelyย 340,00 - 350,000 people.ย  It isย estimated that the bomb directly killedย 70,000 people, including 20,000 Japanese combatants and 2,000 Korean slave laborers. By the end of the year, injury and radiation brought the total number of deaths to 90,000รขโ‚ฌโ€œ

Walking the High Wire

6 August 2018 at 13:00
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered to the congregation I serve on Sunday, August 5th, 2018. It was 7:00 am on August 7th, 44 year's ago. A young man, one week shy of his 25thย birthday,ย ย stood with one foot on the edge of a building, and the other foot on a steel cable ยพ of an inch in diameter. The man was French wire walker Philippe Petit; the building was the south tower

Here We Have Gathered

29 July 2018 at 16:21
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered to the congregation I serve on July 29, 2018.ย  I have also included the Opening and Closing words, and hope UUA President Susan Frederick-Gray will understand their importance to the whole. Opening Words: As a peopleรขโ‚ฌโ€a people of faithรขโ‚ฌโ€that say we are committed to justice, compassion, and equity. As a faith that says we are committed to the

How I journal today

26 July 2018 at 20:17

I keep this blog for non-theological issues, last writing last September about disaster preparedness. That’s weighed on me lately, with the floods here in the East, volcanoes in Hawaii, fires in Greece and — above all — the unresolved crisis in Puerto Rico as the new hurricane season ramps up. So I’ll be writing up how I am preparing for emergencies and why. Something more than pointing at the Ready.gov site (though it is useful).

Which means keeping notes and writing some documentation, which I do best by logging my days. “Blogging” is a coy contraction of “web logging” so I could log my days online, but that would hamper candid thoughts. I could log in a book like generations have done before me, but I have a pile of half-written blank books to show that’s futile. I’ve decided to journal in a text file, then produce it as a web page that I can read locally (that is, from my own computer) through a web browser. (Could I read the text file? Sure. Am I drawn to reading web pages? You bet.) Here’s how I do it.

I treat each month as its own document, and (should I keep this going) each year as its own “volume.” So I created a set of nested folders: “2018” within “Journal” within Dropbox, so I can also see and edit these files from other Dropbox-connected devices. I have a folder within “2018” called “assets” for keeping images files: think “scrapbook clippings”.

In the “2018” I’ll have a file for each month; I’m calling July’s 2018-07_journal.md. The “.md” is for Markdown, a light way to markup my texts that I can do on the fly. Above all, I don’t want to be distracted by a word processor; you can write with Markdown in a terminal (as I do at home) or on a text editor on a phone. Remember Microsoft Notepad? That would work too. For the sake of this example, putting one underscore on either side of a word _like this_ makes italicized. One or two pound signs or hash marks (#) makes the line a level one or level two header, respectively. That’s how I divide the journal into weeks and days, respectively. Starting a line with a > makes a block quote. Once you get used to Markdown, you can do more, like add images.

(If you know Markdown, I use the kramdown variant and use a YAML header: title and author only. If that means nothing to you, don’t worry because it’s what’s another program will use to make the HTML web page.)

Pandoc is a tool to convert documents of one format to another, in this case Markdown to HTML. It runs on the command line, but there are graphic interfaces like this , but I’ve never used them. (This page helps Windows users.) It’s the command line that makes Pandoc fast and thus preferable. I can select options within Pandoc, too.

Here’s the command I run to regenerate my journal:

pandoc 2018-07_journal.md -s --toc -H bmfw -o 2018-07_journal.html

The -s makes the HTML document a stand-alone, self-contained single webpage. The --toc gives the page a table of contents, in this case each day of the month so I can jump any given day. The -H bmfw pulls in a file called bmfw (more about that later) to supply CSS, to style the page to make it more readable. The -o outputs the HTML to a file called 2018-07_journal.html. That I open with my preferred web browser, Firefox.

Journal page as it appears in firefox

I was inspired by this blue-named site for my format, thus the bmfw file above. I fiddle with it as I like, say, making the text monospaced for now. This is what the beginning of my journal looks like. The “July 2018 Journal” and “Scott Wells” come automatically from the YAML header I mentioned above, but are not required. But what did I do to get it? At the beginning of my 2018-07_journal.md file I typed


---
title: July 2018 Journal
author: Scott Wells

---

There’s a blank line after the second ---. So the beginning of my journal looks like this:

Opening text in terminal window

I hope that gets you started.

Responses to Questions III

26 July 2018 at 13:00
By: RevWik
This past Sunday, July 22nd, I facilitated the "Questions & Responses" service we have annually inย the congregation I serve.ย  Congregants write questions on index cards, which are then collected, and to which I offer my in-the-moment responses.ย  Over the next several weeks I plan to devote this page to attempts to offer written responses.ย  If you'd like to see the entire list of questions asked,

Responses to the Questions II

25 July 2018 at 13:00
By: RevWik
This past Sunday, July 22nd, I facilitated the "Questions & Responses" service we have annually inย the congregation I serve.ย  Congregants write questions on index cards, which are then collected, and to which I offer my in-the-moment responses.ย  Over the next several weeks I plan to devote this page to attempts to offer written responses.ย  If you'd like to see the entire list of questions asked

Response to the Questions I

24 July 2018 at 13:00
By: RevWik
This past Sunday, July 22nd, I facilitated the "Questions & Responses" service we have annually in the congregation I serve.ย  Congregants write questions on index cards, which are then collected, and to which I offer my in-the-moment responses.ย  Over the next several weeks I plan to devote this page to attempts to offer written responses.ย  If you'd like to see the entire list of questions asked

Transitions

24 July 2018 at 04:56
By: admin

I am currently transitioning from parish ministry to Air Force chaplaincy. Stay tuned for more on this incredible and unexpected journey.

Blessings,

Bret

Questions & Responses 2018

23 July 2018 at 15:37
By: RevWik
These are the Opening and Closing words I offered for the "Questions & Responses" service at the congregation I serve in Charlottesville, Virginia on July 22, 2018.ย  I responded to as many of the questions as I could, as best I could in the moment.ย  This post also includes all of the questions to come out of the congregation. Opening Words: It is common in a great many Unitarian

What happens to the boat-less in a high tide?

17 July 2018 at 17:38
I’ve been mulling over that old phrase about a high tide raising all boats. I’ve been thinking about the boats that are only good on dry ground because the owners couldn’t afford preventative maintenance, or about those who don’t own a boat at all. For the people for whom the high tide floods, not raises, […]

Cheers!

15 July 2018 at 16:31
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered at the congregation I serve on Sunday, July 15, 2018. In the late 80s, early 90s, Sam, Diane, and, of course, Norm, were household names.ย ย  They were part of the TV "family" that gathered in a fictional Boston bar, and whose various ups and downs and absurdities formed the content of each episode.ย  The heart of the show, though, was the idea

Women in Entertainment: Turning the Gaslight Off

14 July 2018 at 14:53
Congratulations to GLOW(Glorious Women of Wrestling) for their recent Emmy nominations. My daughter introduced me to GLOW on Netflix earlier this summer. She was in the middle of binge watching the second season when I sat down and pretty soon, I was hooked. The show follows a group of women and a few men who, […]

On Celebrating the Gifts of People of Diverse Sexual Orientations and Gender Identities in the Life of the Church

13 July 2018 at 04:20

The Presbytery of New Castle overtures the 223rd General Assembly (2018) to approve the following resolution: 1. Celebrating the expansive embrace of the gospel of Jesus Christ and the breadth of our mission to serve a world in need, the 223rd General Assembly (2018) affirms the gifts of LGBTQ[IA]+ people for ministry and celebrates their […]

The post On Celebrating the Gifts of People of Diverse Sexual Orientations and Gender Identities in the Life of the Church appeared first on Religious Institute.

Not the end

9 July 2018 at 21:33
Earlier this year, or maybe it was last summer, I did a sermon at my home congregation wherein I shared the secret that consumed most of my life for the previous several years. I revealed the depth of my depression, a depth from which I finally had to admit out loud and to people that […]

The Seriousness of Play

9 July 2018 at 20:19
By: RevWik
This is the text of my reflections (and the readings) from the service this past Sunday,ย July 8, 2018, at the congregation I serve here in Charlottesville.ย  This was a multigenerational service which was not just about play, but was, itself, a time of play. Opening Words: The German wildlife photographer Norbert Rosing has a particular affinity for polar bears.ย  His work has been

Moving the Pendulum

8 July 2018 at 01:17
This whole civility conversation makes me want to scream–in someone’s face. I’m not going to give you a full rant. I don’t have it in me today to do that. I’ll just pop into a few phrases about what is making me angry these days: children in cages not to mention not being cleaned or […]

A Place of Peace

2 July 2018 at 18:05
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered at the congregation I serve here in Charlottesville, Virginia on Sunday, July 1, 2018.ย  I wanted the second half to be less consciously conceptual and more a free flowing of spirit, so this is a reconstruction of what those who were here heard. Opening Words: The abbot of a provincial monastery was in something of a tizzy, because the abbot of

The Good News

26 June 2018 at 20:38
We are meant to resist tyranny and fight inhumanity. We are, miraculously, wired that way. And so we fight with whatever tools we have, be they asking the chief liar of the liar in chief to leave our place of business, or surround members of the cabinet with cries of shame with the hope to awaken their own wiring for justice.

As People of Faith, We Will Continue to Act in Love and Truth

26 June 2018 at 17:27

Religious Institute responds to the Supreme Court’s decision in the Masterpiece Cakeshop case. "As long as discrimination persists, our struggle continues."

The post As People of Faith, We Will Continue to Act in Love and Truth appeared first on Religious Institute.

A Resolution on Sexual Misconduct in the PC(USA)-From the Advocacy Committee for Women's Concerns.

23 June 2018 at 04:20

On this Item, the Social Justice Issues Committee acted as follows: Approve as Amended with Comments The Assembly Committee on Social Justice Issues feels it is necessary to create a new task force as described in Recommendation 5. in order to take immediate and decisive action. “The Advocacy Committee for Women’s Concerns (ACWC) recommends that […]

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Religious Institute Calls People of Faith to Action on Domestic Gag Rule

20 June 2018 at 14:33

What is the “Domestic Gag Rule”? On Friday, June 1, the Trump Administration officially proposed a nationwide gag rule, marking a radical departure on how health care operates in the United States. This rule would make it illegal for doctors, nurses, hospitals, community health centers, and any other provider in the Title X program to […]

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Of Bridges & Chasms

18 June 2018 at 14:43
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflection I offered at the congregation I serve on Sunday, June 17, 2018. Once there was a man, walking along in the countryside, when he chanced upon a woman hard at work doing something which seemed kind of strange.ย  By the time the man got there, she had already stretched out two long ropes in parallel, staking the ends on either side.ย  Now she was in the process of

Little Boats and Living Bridges

5 June 2018 at 00:01
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered to the congregation I serve on Sunday, June 3rd, 2018.ย  This was our annual "Bridging" service, at which we honor our graduating seniors and recognize that they have made the transition from "youth" to "young adult." I want to tell you something absolutely amazing this morning.ย  Or, to be more precise, I want to tell you about something absolutely

Our Faith-Rooted Movement for LGBTQ Justice Is As Important As Ever

4 June 2018 at 17:57

Religious Institute responds to the Supreme Court’s decision in the Masterpiece Cakeshop case. "As long as discrimination persists, our struggle continues."

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The Challenges of History

29 May 2018 at 20:04
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflections I offered to the Unitarian Universalist congregation I serve here in Charlottesville, Virginia on Sunday, May 27, 2018 -- Memorial Day. The 21st Colored Infantry along with the 54th Massachusetts and the 34th and 104thย United States Colored Troops held a celebration on May 1, 1865, the first "Decoration Day,"ย ย which later became Memorial Day In

Where Will the Wilderness Take Us?

20 May 2018 at 15:53
They are living it, every single day, wondering when the bullet in the Russian roulette of school shootings will pierce them. Whether these kids are physically harmed in these slaughters, they are wounded deeply by the fear they live with daily, and with the aftermath of seeing what they saw, survivor's guilt, and the replay in their heads of the day their friends were killed.

It's the little things ...

15 May 2018 at 17:20
By: RevWik
It's no secret that I love comic books -- the Batman, especially, and other DC characters, but Marvel heroes as well.ย  I've collected a pretty large number of them now, but I'm not one of those collectors who seal them away in plastic and never take them out unless wearing gloves so as not to leave any oil on them.ย  Well, I mean, I do have them in plastic, but I open them up all the time and

The Earth Is Our Mother

14 May 2018 at 23:51
By: RevWik
This is the text of my reflections on Sunday, May 13, 2018 -- Mother's Day -- at the Unitarian Universalist congregation I serve in Charlottesville, Virginia. Like so many things, there are deep roots to Mother's Day (and yes, the placement of that apostrophe after the "r" and before the "s" is important to story).ย  During the 19th century, there have been several attempts by women's peace

Where did the time go?

4 May 2018 at 12:32
By: admin

Not time, in general; but the sanctuary clock, in particular. Did I pack it up with my office? Am I stealing the church clock (installed when I first got here) that’s informed us all when worship begins and when it’s supposed to end? No, actually, in the middle of the night on April 26, two days before my birthday, the digital clock in the sanctuary seemed to have lept off my office windowwall, hit the seven-foot bookcase below it, shattering glass across the floor, bounced to the three-foot bookcase below it, spewing glass onto the shelves above, and exploded on the floor in a pile of electronics and shards. It must have been quite dramatic, although nobody was here to see it happen.

I’m trying not to find it ominous, but maybe it is fitting. T. S. Eliot loved the concept of time:

“Time for you and time for me,
And time yet for a hundred indecisions,
And for a hundred visions and revisions,
Before the taking of a toast and tea.”

We have made many decisions together over the past several years, and there may be the feeling like there could be more to do. A hundred things more, at least. The truth is we have done what we could do together, and I believe it has been good work. We have created new ministries, like our sanctuary resolution shared with congregations throughout Evanston. We have been a beacon of hope with our Black Lives Matter sign and the underlying spiritual work of living into its mandate. We have strengthened this church by refusing to allow individual differences distract our hearts from being ever more the radically welcoming place to which we aspire. There is always more to do, and it will be done. I have that faith.

Eliot ends his poem The Four Quartets saying:

“We shall not cease from exploration
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

So here we are, arriving back at the place we started. It was exactly five years ago this week that you called me as your senior minister. We are arriving back at the place we started, a time of transition, a moment to pause and reflect, a time to dream. You are sending me forth as an extension of the love you want to share with the world. I will never forget from where I have come, the people who have influenced my life and ministry, and the love with which I have been sent forth to share the good news of Unitarian Universalism.

Celebrating 75 Years of Liberal Religion in Charlottesville

1 May 2018 at 14:51
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflection I offered at the congregation I serve in Charlottesville, Virginia, on Sunday, April 29, 2018.ย  ย This service was a celebration of the 75th anniversary of the formal founding of the congregation. ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย  ย ย  Looking Back; Looking Forward It was the early 1940s, and a woman named Carrie Baker moved to Charlottesville from

Only Connect

30 April 2018 at 19:55
Maybe you don't want progress. Maybe you just want to be left alone to solve your own problems. Maybe you don't have that luxury anymore.

Webinar Takes on Sexual Assault and Harassment in Graduate Theological Schools

25 April 2018 at 21:16

The #MeToo and #TimesUp movements have reawakened many in our society to the longstanding realities of sexual assault and harassment. Institutions of every kind are reckoning with the abuse and misconduct perpetuated within their walls. Seminaries, divinity, and rabbinical schools have and must continue to engage in these difficult conversations. You are invited to join us […]

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Reflections on Flowers and Weeds

25 April 2018 at 19:25
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflection I offered at the congregation I serve in Charlottesville, Virginia on Sunday, April 22nd 2018.ย  It being Earth Day, this was the perfect Sunday to celebrate Flower Communion.ย  Especially in light of the discontent and disquiet current being felt in the congregation, it was the right time to remember the beauty of our community and how each of us contributes to

How Do You Want to Bloom Here?

17 April 2018 at 14:11
By: RevWik
This is the text of the reflection I offered to the congregation I serve on Sunday, April 25th, 2018.ย  (If you prefer, you can listen to it.)ย  I want to thank those of you รขโ‚ฌโ€œ both here and not here this morning รขโ‚ฌโ€œ who have taken the step of formalizing your membership in this community.ย  The two things I like to say to new members are:ย  congratulations (because you've joined a wonderful

Welcoming Rev. Deneen Robinson and Avery Belyeu to Religious Institute Board

12 April 2018 at 17:11

The Religious Institute recently added two new members to the Board of Directors. Rev. Deneen Robinson, who joined the board in the fall of 2017, is the Program Director at the Afiya Center in Dallas, Texas, the only reproductive justice organization in North Texas founded and directed by Black women. In addition to her reproductive justice work, […]

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Love, Grief, and Being Heard

9 April 2018 at 20:47
Nothing is more important than that, and nothing is more important than finally being able to say: I can't hide this anymore and I need you to love me anyway. That's vulnerability reaching out for radical love.

Saheed Vassell: A life in the crosshairs

6 April 2018 at 16:53
You deserved to live, Mr. Vassell. As did Alton Sterling, Trayvon Martin, Stephon Clark, and the list just grows. And until it stops, until mental health is a priority for everyone, and until police learn how to respond to a black people the way they respond to white people, until we all learn how to respond with civility and courage, I believe outrage will be my overriding emotion.

Hurry Slowly next Sunday!

6 April 2018 at 03:29
By: admin

I have been intentional about noticing the “lasts” these past several weeks—inviting a pause at moments I would formerly rush through. A pause to savor each thing for its beauty and what it has given. A last child dedication in this community I’ve served. A last snowfall out a window I love to look through. A last time sitting on the floor of an RE classroom. A last ride on the Metra train to a downtown concert. Naming it such, for me, puts such experience, momentarily outside of time and space and roots it in beloved memory.

This Sunday’s musical guest, EE

I’ve also been rounding up those pesky “should have’s.” Should have gone to more CSO concerts. Check. Should have told friends how much they mean to me. Check. Should have invited crazy marching band back for a service. Check. (This coming Sunday!)

Another “should have” I’ve been meaning to do for a long time is bring north—to share with you—a dear Texas friend, mentor, and fellow pastor, Rudi Harst.

Rudi Harst joins us next week for worship and a special after church “thank you” concert.

I met Rudi the first Sunday after Cindy and I moved to San Antonio. I had been encouraged to check out the spiritual community that he and his wife, Zet, were leading in a rented theater space called “Celebration Circle.” With services filled with original music and poetry, Rudi inspired and connected people together in a way I’d never seen before. It was like a folk concert, poetry reading, and sacred celebration all pulled together in a blessed mash-up. (You all know, by now, how I love those!)

Rudi will lead worship with me next Sunday, April 15th, with a service called Hurry Slowly. and as a special thank you to this community, we are hosting an after-church concert. Rudi will share “Songs and Stories of Life, Love, and Laughter … a heartwarming, toe-tapping, finger-snapping good time that’s guaranteed to make your heart smile and your spirit soar!”

In addition to being a spiritual director, inspirational speaker, singer/songwriter and multi-instrumentalist, Rudi has published eight CD’s of original music, as well as Hurry Slowly, a book of creative non-fiction. It will be a joy to have him with us next weekend for both a first, and a last.

This kind of day /

4 April 2018 at 19:00
It is nearly 2:00 p.m. and I am crouched over my computer, still wearing my pajamas, still barefoot, even though the air is cold. I entered the worm-hole this morning. I came online with the intent of adding the audio of a worship service I gave recently to a blog post I put up a […]

Dear @Emma4Change and friends,

26 March 2018 at 16:26
Dear @Emma4Change, I want you and your friends in Parkland, and Maryland, and Chicago, and Sacramento, and everywhere gun violence has ripped a hole in the continuum of normalcy, I want you all to know that there are many adults out here who have your back. Not just your back, but are holding you tenderly […]

Shut Up and say "Thank You"

21 March 2018 at 21:49
Be better at taking compliments, I told myself. Of all the things you can put on a New Year’s resolution, this was the one I chose. Say “thank you,” and shut up, is what I told myself. Because when people tell you that what you did or said was good or helpful and you dismiss […]

Wouldn't It Be Nice

16 March 2018 at 02:30
Make art. Make protest art. Make art that has no use other than to make you cry as you create. 

Begin Again in Love

13 March 2018 at 22:03
Way back in January, when I offered to fill the pulpit at my congregation on March 11, I had no clue I would be preaching on Daylight Saving day. But I did it. I preached about beginning again, in love, after the Litany of Atonement reading by Rev. Rob Eller-Isaacs, which is included in the […]

Let your life speak

2 March 2018 at 15:28
By: admin

As I shared on Sunday, I will be with you, the Unitarian Church of Evanston, another few months before accepting an offer from the Air Force to join their active-duty Chaplain Corps. Before I say more about this, I want to say that it hasn’t just been an honor to serve this congregation, but an overall joy. The work we have done together for justice has been an inspiration, the work we have done spiritually has been grounding, and the work we have done institutionally preparation for your future. I am proud of our many shared accomplishments, a true testament to shared ministry. I expected to be here for a good decade, which historically has been the average length of your ministerial tenures, before moving to a next call. This offer from the Air Force, however, was a one-time deal, due to my age, so the past few months have been agonizing–there is no other way to say it. The decision has been to continue serving the only congregation I feel I really want to serve, or jump into a call that has been in my mind’s eye since I entered seminary.

Two questions guided the final decision: What did Cindy want to do? What decision would we be able to live with ten years down the road? On the first question, mine and Cindy’s 30 years together have been characterized as one adventure after another. She is looking forward to the next, unconventional, unknown thing we will do together. On the second, I don’t know if I could live with a decision not to do the ministry I hear God calling me to do in the world. It’s the reason I came to UCE: I heard a call to this place, at that time, to do the work we have done.

I’ve been asked about the kind of work I’ll be doing, and where we’ll be next year. On the latter, I have no idea but should soon. All I know it is could be anywhere. On the first question, the life of an Air Force chaplain has at least three primary elements. First, I’ll be assigned to a base chapel and a team of chaplains. Bases are small cities, often with 10,000-30,000 people living on them, including families. Base chapels serve a wide variety of faith traditions, so walking into the chapel on the weekend you’ll find many types of services being offered.

Second, I’ll be assigned to a unit to provide pastoral counseling and classes to support family life. Third, I will work with commanders to provide ethical guidance, when invited. A chaplain’s primary responsibility may be to uphold the free exercise of religion within the structured culture of military life–to make sure that everyone is able to worship, pray, and follow a spiritual path guided by their life and experience.

Parker Palmer in Let Your Life Speak encourages all of us to listen to our lives in a way that from the whole of them (our dreams unfiltered by ego or doubt, the tugs and pulls external and internal, and still small whispers of intuition the origins of which we cannot fathom) emerges the path forward. In the Tao, it might be called “way.” Some modern psychologists have called it “flow.” Whatever you call it, listen to your life. It is calling to you. It wants you to know its possibilities. Your life wants you to live!

I am forever grateful for the time we have had together.

Remaking America; Reclaiming Moral Imagination

23 February 2018 at 17:29
How do we come out of these moments with hope, when, as one of my favorite hymns says, "hope is hard to find"?

Religious Institute Seeks Religion and Social Justice Summer Intern

22 February 2018 at 20:20

About the Religious Institute: The Religious Institute is a national, multifaith organization dedicated to educating and advocating for sexual, gender, and reproductive justice in faith communities and society. Position Description: The summer intern will help update and support existing Religious Institute programs, materials, and resources. The intern will learn about progressive religious advocacy for sexual, […]

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Wall Up the Guns

15 February 2018 at 06:41
Perhaps we do need a wall. This morning, my first read of the day was by Bethany Webster on the mother wound in men and boys as the last link to understanding misogyny. I reposted it on my facebook page as something worth considering in light of the issues around violence against women, perpetrated more […]

WUUnder Woman

13 February 2018 at 18:40
As Unitarian Universalists, we try to live into this ideal of respecting people for the mere reason that they are. Ours is a faith of grace: we aspire to honor the "inherent worth and dignity of every person."

40 Days In

9 February 2018 at 19:19
I bought a desk calendar, the big kind you can either use as a desk pad or put on the wall. This morning I downloaded all the appointments and commitments on my phone/computer calendar, and ones I’d scribbled in notebooks to my desk calendar with a nice gel pen. I forgot how these calendars count […]

Everyone Dies Alone

2 February 2018 at 23:46

I seem to have had my first semi-viral Tweet with a response to the wonderful funny lady Leslie Jones, who is one of my Twitter (s)heroes after dealing with a universe of unbelievable hatred and abuse for daring to be a black woman starring in a remake of “Ghostbusters.” The spewing to which she was subjected was incredibly disturbing, and she left Twitter for a time. She’s back — she didn’t owe anyone that, but I’m glad she returned — and recently posted  a gym selfie with the caption,

Ok back to cardio. But confession I feel like I’m doing it for nothing. I know it not I’m healthy and look good but I really feel like “what’s it all for” if the people you want to notice don’t. I just feel like I might die alone. Sorry that’s pretty heavy today!!

That gave my heart a pang when I read it and I Tweeted back to her,

Leslie. I’m a minister + I can tell you that everyone dies alone. Be healthy for you. Don’t give so much power to men or objects of desire. Be your own romance. Get your own power back. I’m rooting for you.

BuzzFeed picked up the outpouring of support for the indomitable, delightful Miss Jones and featured my tweet at the top of the article, and right now my tweet has been “liked” around 1,400 times.

I’m glad. If anything I’ve ever said was going to get that much attention, I’m glad it’s my for one of my signature beliefs and messages:  being alone is the human condition and it’s not a punishment or a failure. Embrace it.

I speak as a convert. All the adult years I spent in the quest for a significant other were characterized by frustration, insecurity, fear and a sense of being untrue to my authentic self. I have always had a melancholic temperament but debilitating depression went away when I stopped seeking a mate.

This does not mean that I am without male companionship and it does not mean that I have chosen a celibate life. It means that my esssential assumptions and expectations have changed. Men, dating and relationships have a tiny portion of the power in my life to distract or distress me that they once did. My orientation has almost completely flipped: I very rarely care if men approve of me. I  care to know whether or not I am interested in them, if I approve of them, if I am attracted to them, and whether or not I want to remain in relationships with them.

Why this should be so radical well into the 21st century (and especially for a fat woman– we are assumed to have no self-esteem) is a sad mystery, but patirarchy is tenacious.

Many Tweeteurs liked and affirmed my message to Leslie Jones, but I became fascinated by one negative response by an odd stranger who accused me of “preying on” Jones with “religious talk” when she was down.  Apparently my cheerleading seemed to this person to be peddling of some kind of salvation scheme. I can’t for the life of me imagine what. But this weird accusation led me to consider the question of how much my religious commitments and experiences inform my positive perspective about solo life?

A lot, as it turns out.

First, community. My experience of church life has been interesting, exciting, fulfilling, emotionally challenging and satisfying, spiritually deep, and characterized by loyalty, collaboration, and creative problem-solving. It has been encouraging and outward-focused in a way that I always craved feeling with an intimate partner.

Although the mainline Protestant church has declined in numbers and availabiity of volunteer commitment in recent decades, it is now a truly voluntary community of those who really want to be there. This is a cultural shift from the days when affiliation with a house of worship was fairly de rigeur, just part of respectable citizenship. Church-going and religious participation were rote. I love that the people who are now part of church life are almost outlaw, especially in secular, liberal New England where I live and serve. They want to be in community. They take relationship seriously. They mostly really want to learn and grow.

The sense of vitality, energy, and intensity I feel in the religious communities is something I have almost never felt in a romantic relationship. I am glad that many people have, but it hasn’t been my experience. My experience has always been that partnered life constricted me. Community life makes my horizons larger, not smaller.

There is also the matter of Jesus, who is a moral exemplar and more to me. Jesus was not partnered to one person and explicitly challenged kinship models of family, expanding its definition to include all those who are in fellowship in a common spiritual purpose and ministry.

Kinship loyalty for the sake of contrived familial loyalty is  tribal and often harmful. I remember years of trying to drum up affection for a boyfriend’s parents, whom I found to be vapid at best and close-minded bigots at worst.  Free from trying to make myself appealing to a man’s parents or siblings, I prefer to make my family among a wider circle of intimates: friends, church folk, the theatre community. I gravitated at a young age to the LGBTQ community for its “We Are Family” ethos, and I still feel far more at home in the queer community than in heterosexist spaces where I am disapproved of or looked at with pity or suspicion for being solo, never married and intentionally and gratefully childless (I remain forever grateful to both of my parents for never assuming that married life and motherhood was my destiny).

So it turns out that my advice really did have a bit of a proseletyizing in it, just not the way that person accusing me of that assumed!

In 2018, the #MeToo movement is not only about the endless daily harassment to which women have been subjected, it is a take-down of a phony partnered love salvation scheme that breaks just as many spirits as does bad, excluding, judging theology.

I have my days like Leslie Jones does, but not often and the feeling of being bereft of love passes quickly. It doesn’t last because I have overcome the impoverished definition of love that I inherited from our sad, lonely society.  Erotic, romantic energy has been defined solely as something that two people experience that leads them into the bedroom.  I’m not knocking that kind of erotic energy — it’s fun while it lasts! But I want to promote a broader appreciation of the erotic that has to do with energy, intensity, full engagement of body, mind and soul that occurs whenever we connect with others in ways that fosters trust, happy memories, shared goals, and emotional closeness.

Americans are over-fed on stories, shows, songs and movies about the lover who makes a gargantuan and sometimes foolish effort to convince the one perfect love interest that he is worthy — think John Cusack as Lloyd Dobler holding the boombox over his head in “Say Anything.” Please see me! Please love me! Please complete me!  Why give so much power to one person? How do you know for sure they’re worthy of that trust?

Also, Lloyd, if you wake me up playing Peter Gabriel outside my window I’m going to be hella mad. I have work in the morning and it matters to me that I get a good night’s sleep. You want to be make a grand gesture? Offer to walk my dog while I officiate at a funeral for a young man. Make me dinner. Listen while I vent. Don’t harass me and irritate the neighbors.

Seriously, though? Everyone: take your metaphorical boombox everyplace and play your songs wherever you are.  Just play your song and see who shows up to dance. It might be a stray cat. It might be an elderly woman who has the time to chat, and needs to.  I know this sounds corny but I promise you that it is eminently worth the effort to dismantle the romance myth that the culture installed in all of us like software at our birth. Not all of us were meant to live out that story.  There are thousands of other ways to live fully and with plenty of love and sexiness, if you don’t define sexiness as sleeping with the same partner every night (and reports from the front lines of that aspect of partnered relationships aren’t great!).

Ultimately, as I said to Miss Jones, we go into our caskets one at a time. Even the rare birds who mate for life (and I have known many in my years of ministry) wind up with one at bedside and one taking their last breath, and one is left to rely on their own strength and community relationships to see them through what comes next.  The fact of this matter is why I always bristle when I hear the expression, “You’re going to die alone,” as a kind of threat or insult. It’s no insult. It’s no threat. It is just reality.

We die alone. We may have a spouse at our sides when we do, or that person may be in a nursing home lost to Alzheimer’s. That person may have predeceased us. We may be divorced  and have children by our side. We may be divorced and be estranged from children, or have children who are busy with their own children and in-laws across the country, or have jobs that prevent them from being with us. I have seen all of these things in my ministry. They are exceedingly common, not unusual or tragic. They are the way life works out.

There is no need to keep relying on the appearance of a hypothetical Wonderful Significant Other on our life stage to get on with a thrilling, fulfilling production.

 In Terrence McNally’s play, “Lips Together, Teeth Apart,” one woman character, who is a mother, tells another woman, who is not a mother but wants to be, how to deal with children.  Chloe says, “Don’t be intimidated by them, like they were something special. They’re just little people. That’s all you have to remember about them.”

It’s the same thing about objects of desire: they’re just people. Whether an actual person you’re fantasizing about or an idea partner you’ve concocted in your imagination, we are all  just people.  No one can — or should want to — save anyone else from what John Keats called “the vale of soul-making,” or the path of individuation that, done well and with an openness to many sources of love, leads to no regrets at the end of life or bitterness in the midst of it.

There are many significant others for all of us. Some of them drop into our lives for one beautiful hour, some for decades. Please don’t miss the beauty and romance of this experience by pining for that one fantasy partner who may or may not ever manifest in your life.

Much love to you, Leslie, and everyone else.

 

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