Hello! Quick thought dump for anyone with a few minutes to read:

Background: mid-30s. Grew up in a mostly non-practicing Catholic family. Mostly Atheist myself. Found a nearby UU church and this is my second year going. My disposition is that I love people, real conversation, helping others, but I am not a social butterfly or mingler (coffee hour is very unpleasant for me). I like growing weed, heavy music, raunchy humor, but also like, spreading positivity and acceptance wherever I go, however I can. Just to paint a picture, haha!

Started off just sitting in the back, being healed and spiritually renewed by the music and words (love the reverend at this church). People are of course very friendly. Encouraged to join. I did. Have helped with services a few times, and even joined a small committee this year.

But it seems the more I get into it, the more detached I'm feeling. The church is generally older and, as is the town it's in, what I would consider quite affluent and educated. I'm, like a lot of people my age, married with no intention of having kids, and doing okay enough.

I've felt this way for a little bit now, but thought being more involved would shake that. So here are some thoughts that keep surfacing.

-I just need to try other UU churches and find one I feel more at home in.

-Maybe I'm just not someone who needs a community at this point in my life OR maybe my feelings on that will change if I find the right one.

-Is it just the age thing? I am wary of being ageist, but I can't help think about the fact that a lot of these folks are retired and that is impacting how things are run. Like, I feel SOMETIMES (not always, to be very clear) these committees, meetings, business side of things, are a little stretched out because folks are looking to fill their time. And that's totally fine! I understand a church doesn't run itself, and that collaboration is important. Please understand I'm talking about nuances of approach.

-Different religion a better fit? I kind of like the meditative, rooted in the current, joyous but socially focused ideals of this church, but sometimes I really want to be, hmm... Filled with the spirit, if that makes sense. It's almost like I feel it teeters in this middle ground. Like, I am craving something more transcendent and joyous OR something deeper and more contemplative.

I try not to have regrets, as they're not useful. However, I can't help but think if I had continued to just come and hang in the back, politely stated what I'm like in some way, I wouldn't be considering finding something else. But then again, maybe it's not a bad thing that I leaned in and discovered it's not a perfect fit. And maybe my community is out there somewhere! I'd love to come and go, try other churches, but at this point I almost feel it would be weird to just start showing up way less frequently... Like I'm cheating on them 😅

Any thoughts or been through something similar?

*Almost forgot to mention, a lot of the UU churches around here do more informal services or group outings in the summer. From what I understand, it comes from back in the day when everyone in Massachusetts would vacation to the Cape in the summer. Not sure if this goes on elsewhere.

Joined a UU this past year and went all year. Really changed my life (35, atheist). They have some summer activities on Sundays, and I have gone to a couple... But my spirit is really aching for a full service.

As much as I love the community and people I've met, and I've enjoyed playing with the choir on percussion... I really really do enjoy just sitting in the back, soaking up the sermon and music. I love people but social things are hard for me... Let's just say I skip coffee hour a lot!

I'm curious if there are any good online services you'd recommend? I'd love to watch live if possible. I'm floundering a little without my weekly "spiritual calibration" as I call it. I do mediate and practice mindfulness, but it doesn't entirely fill the void.