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Nominations for First Pooch

8 November 2008 at 15:41
And I'm a little embarrassed to say that I've gotten so carried away with this conversation about what kind of puppy the Obamas should acquire that I've been neglectful of many of my other "duties" -- not the BIG ones, of course, but little things, like keeping up with this blog and answering my routine e-mail. Instead, I've been surfing the internet for photos and other images suitable for posting...even though I know most of you would much rather hear from me in my own words.

Here's an interesting photo, for example, of a Boston Terrier in a stare-down with a Siberian Husky. Looks like it could be a poster for a big football game between Boston University and the University of Washington, or even a more mundane basketball showdown between BU and nearby UConn. But the truth is, it's just a random photo -- significant to me only in the sense that I am indeed a Washington Husky (undergrad), and my very first dog (or perhaps I should say -- my very first "Dog of my Own") was a stray Alaskan Malmute mix (i.e. a "Mutt") who showed up at Juniper Beach the summer after I'd graduated from High School.

We immediately hit it off, and he didn't have to follow me home because we were already there. I named him "Foster" -- in part because he was indeed a "foster" dog, in part because he reminded me of a character in a novel I was reading that summer (Richard Brautigan's The Abortion), but also because he reminded me of a sophmore girl who had likewise followed me around for most of my Senior year hoping, I think, that I would ask her out!
The very first dog our family owned when I was a kid growing up was a dachshund named Gunner. I remember "Gunny" as a mean little dog who barked constantly, slept most of the day (when he wasn't barking), and who didn't care much for little boys who pulled his tail (that was, after all, the safer end of the dog), played too rough, or got between him and his food dish. But my dad adored that little black wiener dog, and he lived with us through most of my childhood, until he finally lost the use of his rear legs and had to be "put to sleep" (as my father so gently put it).

Over the years though, I've developed a whole new respect for Doxies. And critter who is bred and trained to crawl face-first into a badger's den and kill them has my respect, which is EXACTLY why the Dachs ("badger") Hund ('dog" or "hound," - duh) was created in the first place. Of course, nowadays they do all sorts of more creative things, including performing in the The Greatest Show on Earth! They're a lot smarter than you might think, despite their admittedly ridiculous appearance.

I'm not actually suggesting that the Obamas should adopt a dachshund. It actually sounds to me like the Labradoodle (and, more specifically, a Goldendoodle) is both a great choice and the front runner, and who am I to argue with polling data at this point? I'm certain they will be very happy with whatever dog they adopt, regardless of whether it turns out to be a purebred champion or rescued mutt.



On a similar note, people keep asking me about when I'm going to get another dog of my own. And the answer, of course, is I don't know -- although I'm not really in any big hurry to take steps in that direction either. Parker was a fantastic companion to me for over 13 years, and I miss her company more than I can say. But before I commit to another dog, I need to have a little bit better sense of how much longer I'm going to be around to hold up MY end of the covenant. Not to put too fine a point on it. In the meantime though, I am learning to take great pleasure from "other people's dogs," and in sharing memories of Dogs I Have Known and Loved with other like-minded souls. Besides, my new totem animal is now a Giraffe -- and I've decided to take a little time to explore what that means before taking another "non-spiritual" critter into my life. But that's another post. Hope you've all enjoyed this one.

...and the home of the brave....

7 November 2008 at 17:18
Yes. "Free at last, free at last, Great God Almighty, we are free at last." And I'm not really certain whether we should Praise God, that Supreme, Divine Being Who gives us life and gives life meaning...or simply thank our lucky stars...but this has sure been a very special week all over the world. And despite the incredible amount of chaos that still seems to reign over much of reality, I feel as if we all at last have at least turned a corner.



Now comes the TRULY hard work -- the challenge of coming together, agreeing on our priorities, defining our objectives, goals and desired outcomes, allocating our resources to match those priorities, and doing the work that needs to be done. Just doing the work. Believe me, there is plenty of work to go around for everyone. I hardly know where to begin.

We Can, We Did, and Then Some

7 November 2008 at 01:40
And like just about everyone else I know, I am very excited about the election -- or at least very relieved to have it over. Or ALMOST over -- still waiting to hear whether Al Franken is going to be able to pull out a victory out there in Minnesota, which I sure hope he does. It's a strange coincidence, but it just so happens that Mr. Franken is married to the daughter of one of the sisters of one of the fellows I eat breakfast with every morning, so we keep hearing the updates about Jim's "nephew" every day as we sit down with our coffee (which is nice). Hard to believe though that people are already speculating about whether or not Sarah Palin will be making a run in 2012. Trust me America -- by 2012 Sarah Palin will scarcely be a footnote in a Texas-approved High School History textbook.

Did a very stupid thing today --well, more absent-minded really. But the middle of the day came and went, and for some unknown reason I simply forgot to take my mid-day meds. Forgot about them all the live-long day, until I finally got home from the Membership Committee meeting tonight at a quarter of eight (feeling terribly flush, puny, under the weather, and not quite myself)...discovered my mistake, and took them then instead. Now I'm starting to feel a little better, but still nowhere near as good as I would LIKE to feel...plus I'm dead tired, yet kinda wanting to stay up late enough to get close to back on schedule again.

Meanwhile, here's an image I would like to hold on to for a long, long time. Because I could sure use a little bipartisan peace and quiet for the next couple of years or so....

The Society for Utopian Studies

3 November 2008 at 03:33
And I know this is supposed to be a "cancer" blog, but it really has pretty much evolved into a "life, the universe and everything" kinda blog -- the blog that the original "Eclectic Cleric" was supposed to have been when I first started writing it back in 2006. And I guess that's OK with me for now as well -- my tumors are essentially dormant, and God only knows when they'll decide to wake up. [And as far as I'm concerned, they can stay dormant as long as they like! You know what they say: let sleeping tumors lie] Still, the medical part of my life story is actually pretty boring at the moment. I have relatively good pain control; my fatigue is getting markedly less severe; and my strength and mobility seem to improve almost daily.

So instead I have a panoply of lesser symptoms/side effects which I never really noticed before: dry mouth, hoarseness, and shortness of breath for starters; occasional blurred vision, intermittent ringing in my ears and other hearing difficulties; and finally bruising, edema, and various other little skin things associated with the blood thinner I've been taking to treat my deep vein thrombosis. The weight gain issue, of course, has gone from being mildly humorous and amusing to a pretty serious source of distress and annoyance for me -- taking that weight off is going to be an awful lot harder than putting in on was...but who in their right mind wants to read about that?

Likewise, after Tuesday the Election will be over too. Or at least I HOPE it will be over, and that an unambiguous victory with a powerful electoral mandate will have gone to the first African American President in American History. That would certainly give me plenty to write about..but it might grow tedious for those who do not share my own peculiar political sentiments.

Meanwhile though, I've actually had a pretty full week this week. The Society for Utopian Studies was hosting its 33rd annual conference here in Portland at the Holiday Inn By The Bay, and my friend Diana (who just finished her PhD in Comp Lit at the University of Virginia) was here in town to present a paper in a panel called "Embodying Utopia: Should Utopians Have Perfect Bodies?" Her paper was about "The Immortal Cyborgs in Abre los ojos by Alexandro Amenabar" and was almost completely incomprehensible to me except for a great, off-the-cuff quote from Donna Haraway about how "I'd rather be a Cyborg than a Goddess." I was more taken by some of the broader ideas that emerged in the conversation between the panelists that took place after the presentations about the differences between utopian imagery of "bodies plus" (i.e. eugenic manipulation, or certain cyborg technologies) and "bodies minus" ("virtual" bodies in the forms of avatars, or disembodied consciousness) and their various dystopian varients (Brave New World, Blade Runner, the Matrix).

It was a little easier for me to keep up with the panel on "Transcendentalisms Old and New" which was mostly about Thoreau's "Pocket Utopia" at Walden, except for one paper about utopian imagery of Wilderness in Thoreau and John Muir, and the development of "Eco-Tourism." And there was also a panel on "Geriatopia" and the use of Utopian Imagery in the marketing of Retirement Communities which I found kind of intriguing given my current living situation. But I think what I liked mostly about the conference was how profoundly interdisciplinary the Society is, and how much fun it was to catch up with Diana, who has just started a tenure-track job out in Ohio, and still isn't certain where she belongs in a state that is "High in the Middle and Round at Both Ends."

The Church Service Sunday was Día de los Muertos, and didn't leave much left over for me to do once I had welcomed folks to church and greeted the newcomers. We only do it once a year, and so once again we were all over the place liturgically -- the preacher actually skipped over her sermon in order to get to the Offering, which is almost unimaginable to me! (She did eventually go back and include it, and her message itself was actually quite inspiring). Early in my career I routinely skipped over the offering in order to get right to what I thought was the "main event" (i.e. me preaching), which always made the treasurer a little nervous. But I don't think it ever would have occurred to me to do it the other way around. Taught the first "New UU Inquirers Class" after the coffee hour, with two more sessions to follow on the next two Sundays. Had eight turn out for that as well, not including myself and the other co-facilitator, or one of the participant's Golden Retriever.

Anyway, I guess that's about all for now. I'm very happy to be feeling a little better, but I worry about how quickly that could turn around without warning. I'm trying to pace myself and take it easy, but I'm also trying to push myself a little as well, in the hope of continuing to make progress on my strength and stamina and mobility. And mostly, I'm just trying to make the best of those "good days" that the Goddess gives me, since I'm not really sure I WANT to be, say, a 600 lb cyborg in a motorized chair living "the life of the mind" at the expense of sensation and physical pleasure.

But that's a topic for another day.

Living the dual reality....

29 October 2008 at 00:16
Like a lot of folks in the UUniverse, I imagine, I tuned in yesterday to "Fresh Air" on NPR so that I could listen to Terry Gross interview Forrest Church about his most recent book Love & Death: My Journey Through the Valley of the Shadow. The interview itself was no great shakes, although, in all honesty, I SO admire Forrest and the quality of the work he has done over the years that it would be very difficult for me to be any more impressed than I already am. And there was at least one part of the interview that I liked so much that I jotted it down, although I'm sure I've heard it before and it came almost as an aside -- when he described God as a "life force, that which is greater than all, and yet present in each." To which I would add "and in whose presence we are reminded, and made to realize once again, that we are part of a greater whole, and still whole within ourselves."

Hearing Forrest's interview came at the tail end of a pretty long day that also included my own monthly medical check-up earlier that same morning, and the rather distressing news that I have gained ANOTHER 15 pounds in the past four weeks, and for the first time in my life now tip the scale at over 300 lbs. This is getting ridiculous! Any yet...

Well, part of the problem really is body image. Because unless I really concentrate, when I look in the mirror I don't see this:



or this:



or even this:



What I DO see are these other guys down below -- the guy that I was BEFORE I got cancer, and suddenly had to accept the limitations that life imposes as honest-to-God realities, and not just in the abstract. It was easy to gain this weight: the food is free, it tastes real good, there's plenty of it and not much else going on in my life to keep me entertained at the moment. Add that to the fact that I get virtually no exercise, and...well, four pounds a week is about an extra 1600 calories a day. So I really have been eating for two!

Sitting on my scrawny rear and showing off my youthful curls, c. 1975

Parker was still a puppy, just before my 40th birthday

Helping my nephew Michael figure out Windows (or maybe he was helping me). Michael is now a student at Washington State University, where he plays clarinet in the marching band.

At least I did see the Nutritionist yesterday as well, which was a small help -- although (as I told her) I already KNOW HOW to eat more healthy than I do. So it really is mostly a matter of making up my mind to do it, and then taking that commitment seriously and sticking with it over time. Make, Take, Stick...there's GOT to be a better mantra than THAT!

The Luxury of a Free Saturday

25 October 2008 at 20:03
And it's not the extra free hour on Sunday that makes a week out of the pulpit so refreshing. It's the extra 14 hours+ I get back on Saturday, not to mention the time during the rest of the week when I don't have to think about what I'm going to say on Sunday morning. Try as I might to change the habit over the decades, I have always been a Saturday sermon writer...and no matter how early in the week I begin the task, it seems as though I am almost always still working on my manuscript right up until the last minute anyway. I suppose part of the reason for this is that preaching in my mind is very similar to journalism, and to the daily work of journaling I try to practice as an informal spiritual discipline. Almost all my sermons seem to have their start in my diary anyway. And you certainly wouldn't expect people to sit patiently and listen to someone read to them from a month-old newspaper.

Of course, the other metaphor for preaching is "feeding the flock." And that understanding also lends itself quite conveniently to the understanding of fresh ingredients freshly prepared. But lately I've been working back in the other direction as well. Because good writing is generally the product of diligent re-writing, my writing teachers always told me. The ingredients may be fresh, but the recipe can always be tested and tweaked through practice and experimentation until it is "just right." And what I've realized is that I have a unique opportunity right now to return to some of my favorite material, and give it the kind of polish and scrutiny that the hectic press of preaching every week AND doing all the other things that Parish Ministers are called to do has always prevented me from doing in the past.



Meanwhile, last night I dreamed again of Parker. Not the frail, uncomfortable failing Parker of her final days, but Frisky Parker who chased balls tirelessly and ran flat out with the big dogs across the mud flats at Juniper Beach -- my little Boston Terrorist, who feared nothing, and refused to back down to any other dog no matter how intimidated she should have been. In fact, she often frightened me with her stubborn courage. But the thing I'll miss most about Parker is that she made friends easily, and that almost everyone who met her seemed to love her almost immediately. Or to put it another way, Parker was a babe magnet, who could elicit all sorts of oohs and ahhhs from attractive, desirable strangers who would never give ME a second glance.

Porcupine Balls

23 October 2008 at 23:01
And because of my busy schedule yesterday, I had to delay until today my special birthday meal here at the Assisted Living cafeteria. It's the practice here to cook the birthday boy or girl whatever they want on their birthday -- a policy which (when I first was informed about it a few weeks ago, so I could make a decision about what I wanted to eat) seemed an awful lot like the last meal of a condemned inmate, but is actually a very nice personal touch in an environment that always flirts with the danger of becoming just another impersonal social institution.

And who knows? I don't mean to sound morbid or anything, but around here it is not an entirely unjustified assumption to believe that ANY given birthday might actually be one's last. And this is true even for someone like me, who (yes, counting this birthday) is STILL 41 years younger than BOTH of the gentlemen with whom I share a table at mealtimes! When I realized this, I decided that maybe I wanted to make a little bit bigger deal of celebrating my birthday this year after all. Which means I'm going to KEEP on celebrating it all the way through the weekend, rather than just letting it fade back into obscurity.

Because I know you're curious, the meal I requested was Porcupine Balls, with fresh French cut green beans and a white birthday cake with raspberry filling for dessert. These were a great comfort food from my childhood, and to my great surprise they came out just the way I remembered them. The green beans were a big disappointment though -- actually, they were MIA entirely, and replaced by broccoli that was barely recognizable as such, and had certainly seen much better days. But the cake was magnificent! Good healthy slices for my messmates and myself, and one for my fridge for later -- then I cut what was left into much more manageable pieces, and wheeled myself around the cafeteria serving out slices to whoever wanted one. Worked out a little like the loaves and fishes -- and was able to serve the last person in the room the last piece of cake.

And while I'm on the subject of birthdays, I was reminded again today that I actually share a birthday with another very famous (or should I say Imfamous?) Tim, who celebrated his last birthday over a dozen years ago now. Here's a little something about him that I wrote at the time.

"THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN IN AMERICA"

ENJOY!

Early Dawn

23 October 2008 at 00:11
***


And it always seems to be those first few early moments in the morning, or the last few hours of the day, that give me the most trouble and cause me the most pain, and leave me feeling more isolated, vulnerable and alone than I do at other times of the day. And perhaps it is because I AM more alone, and isolated, and vulnerable in those moments -- so that NOT to feel that way would be out of touch with reality. Life doesn't always need to be that complicated.

Meanwhile, for some reason this painting has come to mean a lot to me over the years -- it's part of the collection of the Art Museum in Portland, Oregon, and I used to drop by to view it whenever I could, although ironically at the moment I can't even conjure up the artist's name. I think what I like best are the expressions on the three faces: the pondering, contemplative gaze of the sleepless man, and the innocent yet trusting vulnerability of his sleeping lover, and of course the trusting innocence of the dog sleeping peacefully at their feet...so perfectly camouflaged by the blanket covering the couple's legs that at first s/he is barely discernable. The dog's loyalty is unconditional: s/he is innocent, s/he is safe, s/he trusts. But the woman's sentiments are a mystery. Who knows how she will feel upon waking? And so her lover watches relentlessly, seeking a clue to her ultimate fidelity, or perhaps even weighing his own. A night of ecstatic passion -- but in the early dawn, how much suffering will follow this experience of standing outside of one's self in order to become at one with the other? No wonder the poor guy can't sleep! Maybe we all should be a little more like our dogs....

The 22nd of October (today) was/is my 52nd birthday. Tried to keep it pretty low-key, and for the most part I've pretty well succeeded. There are some years when I really do feel like making a big deal out of it, and maybe I'm being a little bit selfish not to feel that way more often...because frankly most years I would just as soon spend my birthday by myself, or perhaps in the company of one other special person. But this year that wasn't really an option, so I just kind of went with the flow: breakfast here, 10 am staff meeting at the church, monthly noon lasagna lunch with the ROMEOs (Retired Old Men Eating Out), then a couple of hours in my study at the Eastland with my computer guy, as we updated, upgraded, and backed up some of my old computer equipment there. And then finally, back to church for the first of our new mid-week "Eventide" services. All very nice, every comfortable -- especially the couple of hours in my study surrounded by my books. It inspired me once againto get them cataloged and in order, so that I can read to my heart's content on any subject that catches my eye that day.
This is what it looked like the LAST time I did that.

Meanwhile, if there's anyone out there who is still feeling fortunate after loosing (and gaining and loosing and gaining again) obscene amounts of money (on paper) these last few weeks, and wishes to express their gratitude through a random act of extreme generosity, I still wouldn't mind receiving something like THIS for my birthday.

OK, it was just a thought. A completely random thought....




Hummm. And is that the dawn, or the sunset out there?

A Dog for All Seasons

22 October 2008 at 04:10
The Adorable Parker: Queen of all She Surveys...

She always enjoyed it when I came home from Red Bones after ordering the beef ribs. One of her favorite treats.

Parker on a VERY cold January morning.

She enjoyed this time of year much, much better....
he

Nosy Parker

Cosy Parker

effin clowns...

21 October 2008 at 22:26
***

Another UU cancer blogger, Lizard Eater, posts this poem at her own site.

***

No Comment

I'm tired of feeling scared.

I'm tired of being so effing fragile that the least little thing makes me cry.

I'm tired of losing my temper over small things.

I'm tired of feeling helpless.

I'm tired of weeping.

Tired of crying.

Tired of sobbing.

Tired of holding it in.

Tired of my heart hurting hurting hurting.

We're at the end of it and I'm so full of fear that we're not at the end of it, that this is just another pause before it all starts all over again. Again.

I want ... just once! ... to look at her sleeping and just think, "Awwwww," rather than

"Please God Please God Please God Please God."

I'm tired of being a drain on my friends, my family. Doesn't the universe understand that I'm supposed to be the comforter, not the comforted???

I'm tired of feeling self-centered and self-focused and self-ish.

I'm tired of feeling guilty for not being more appreciative, more thankful.

I just feel so fragile. And it's unfamiliar. And I hate it.

And I'm tired of having to stay up late at night because the only way I can go to sleep is if I push myself to complete exhaustion.

So tired ... but I can't sleep, the clowns will eat me.


***

I know these feeling too, L. E. Not the exact same feelings that you're feeling right now, of course. But close enough: close enough that I recognize in my own gut that same visceral sense that words alone will never be enough, and empathetically suffer an angry, bitter, tired, guilty, helpless, self-conscious fragility of my own...like I've walked over some of this same territory myself in my own bare feet, and am left now with scars that I will never fully be able either to share or to escape. And I'm still not out of the swamp yet either too. Not by a long ways.

But a good night's sleep will help, when it comes. And it will come. Have no doubt about it. So sleep as soundly as you can. We've got your back with the clowns....



Justin Case, from the Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey "Boom a Ring!" circus troupe.


THE GREATEST SHOW ON EARTH

Parker's puppyhood

21 October 2008 at 04:11
Mondays are supposed to be my "day off," so I guess I shouldn't feel so bad that I squandered most of it just trying to get organized enough to know what I still need to do (posting more regularly to this site being close to the top of my list). At least I was able to get my sermon from last Sunday, Here There Be Dragons posted to the web.

People tell me that I'm looking and sounding stronger every Sunday. And now I get three Sundays in a row where I don't have to preach at all. Which should be a great help in getting the rest of my life just a little better organized before the snow flies....

Anyway, the reason I'm up so late tonight is that I drank WAY too many diet Cokes tonight out at Bingas playing trivia with my younger brother and one of my parishioners. We came in third, but tonight that was still good enough to win Erik a ball cap...which was the one prize he said he'd wanted when we went in.

And, of course, I'm still missing Parker -- and both feeling the hole that she has left in my life, while at the same time how much of my own life-energy was expended trying to keep her "whole" when she was no longer really here. And it's strange, even weird -- because there are times when I feel as though I can sense her presence in the next room, or hear her dogtags jingle against one another as she shakes her head before settling back down on the pillow again.

Our new puppy, on one of her first nights in her new home. I hate to admit it, but in many ways this little dog was a lot like the child that MFW and I never had together.



Parker's first bath. It was nice to have a kitchen sink large enough that she could fit in it. Later on, when we had to start bathing her in the tub, it was never quite as satisfactory. This was one of those activities which she learned to tolerate, but never really learned to enjoy. I always appreciated her a little more when she was freshly washed and smelling like a dog, JUST like dog, and ONLY a dog...and not like everything else she'd sniffed and decided to roll in over the past few weeks (or months)....

Parker was often very helpful when I was working as a Graduate Teaching Fellow, and need to mark a lot of papers in a hurry. How many teachers can honestly tell a student that their dog ate YOUR homework?

And she also helped me with my own writing. Mostly sermons though; for some reason she just never seemed to find my more academic writing much to her taste.... (too dry, I'm guessing)

One of Parker's favorite places of all -- walking along Juniper Beach in front of my mom's cabin on Camano Island. If you look very closely, you can see her leaping up off the ground in the proper "heel' position, just to the left of MFW et moi.

HERE THERE BE DRAGONS

19 October 2008 at 17:57
a sermon preached by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the First Parish Church in Portland, Maine
Sunday October 19th, 20008


OPENING WORDS:
“Fairy tales do not tell children the dragons exist. Children already know that dragons exist. Fairy tales tell children the dragons can be killed.” --G K Chesterton


All my life, ever since I was a little boy and for as long as I can remember, I have been fascinated by maps. I’m not sure how or why I became so fascinated, but I suspect it had something to do with the large, free-standing globe next to my grandfather’s chair in the front room of their modest Seattle bungalow, and the hundreds of National Geographic magazines that were carefully shelved in chronological order behind it. A good map is an amazing thing (and even bad ones have their uses). They can take us anywhere in the world in the blink of an eye. They can take us back in history to show us how other people lived their lives in times before us; or into the future, say, to predict the outcome of an upcoming election. Electronic maps like Mapquest or Google Earth can give us turn-by-turn driving directions to any location in the database, or show us satellite photographs of virtually any location in the world, in what seems like real-time. Maps can even take us to other worlds: to places like Middle Earth, or Treasure Island, or “over the rainbow” to Oz. It’s no wonder that I should have become so fascinated with them when I was younger, and that this fascination has continued now well into middle age.

Yet those of us who love maps most also quickly discover that “the map is not the territory.” And this is particularly true as we begin to map out the course of our own lives. It’s nice to know the geography of where we’ve been, and the road to where we want to go: which turns to take and how long it’s going to take us to get there traveling at a certain speed over a certain distance. But nothing in real life is ever quite that certain. Perhaps you’re familiar with the old saying: if you want to hear God laugh, tell her your plans. If you actually want to get from where you are now to whatever destination you’ve chosen for yourself, you have to fold up the map, put it in your pocket, get up out of your chair and go. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Our maps can guide us; they can even inspire us, and give us hope and confidence. But the map can’t make the journey for us. We can trace the route with our finger, but we have to walk it with our feet.

Of course, my favorite maps of all are still generally of places where “you can’t get there from here.” These maps are often beautifully illuminated, and contain interesting illustrations and legends around the margins: annotations like Terra Incognita and “Here There Be Dragons” -- the unknown territory where mythical, magical creatures dwell, magnificent creatures who challenge us to explore beyond the same limits of the familiar landscape.

I’ve never seen a real dragon, but I’ve certainly read a lot about them, and seen plenty of pictures of dragons from every corner of the globe. There are some who say that dragons are simply a superstition left over from times when human beings weren’t as knowledgeable as we are today. Others say that they are mythological creatures, who represent metaphorically our collective fear of the unknown, that uncharted territory where no one has ever gone before, and unknown dangers may well await us around every turn.

But I sometimes wonder whether Dragons might just be more real than we think -- and that just because they are figments of our imagination doesn’t necessarily make them any less interesting...or less dangerous.

There are legends about dragons in just about every human culture and society we know of. Perhaps the earliest is the dragon Tiamat from the Babylonian Creation Epic the Eunuma Elish, who was slain by the culture hero Marduk and then reshaped to form the world we know today. Or from the other side of the world, the feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl and turquoise “fire serpent” Xiuhcoatl of the Aztecs.

A little closer to home (at least culturally), we have the Draca Wyrm (who both slew and was slain by Beowulf), and Fafnir the evil and avaricious dwarf turned dragon through his own acquisitive greed, slain first by Sigurd in the Volsung Saga, and then twice later on by Siegfried in “Das Nibelungenlied” and “Der Ring des Nibelungen.” Not to mention the unnamed dragon slain by Saint George on his way home from the Crusades, and of course many, many others of both legend and literature.

Even Satan makes a cameo appearance as a Great Red Dragon in the book of Revelation, (although there are some who would say that he was also a Dragon in the Garden of Eden, before God took away his legs and made him crawl upon his belly in the dust). And the Chinese have more dragons than they know what to do with: creatures virtually identical in physical appearance to the dragons we know here in the West, but with VERY different personalities.

But if dragons really are just “Make Believe,” how do we explain the cultural ubiquity of dragons in societies which until relatively recent times have had very little knowledge of one another? Why would the Babylonians, the Aztecs, the Chinese and those old Norse Vikings all imagine the same flying, fire-breathing, rapacious snake-like predator, whose razor-sharp claws are capable of slicing through human flesh as if it were so much lunch meat, and whose armor-like scales make them all but impervious to most pre-industrial human weaponry?

There have been lots of theories put forward, including challenges to the premise that dragons are really all that cross-culturally ubiquitous in the first place. But one of the most interesting is a hypothesis suggested by anthropologist David E. Jones in his book An Instinct for Dragons, in which he claims that dragons represent a residual, instinctive fear, hardwired into our limbic system, of the principal predators (namely snakes, hawks, and big cats) who fed upon our distant biological ancestors as we were evolving as a species: a fear which goes back not only to before the start of human history, but before the beginning of “humanity” itself.

Combining the wings and talons of an eagle with the claws and teeth of a leopard and the tail of a python, dragons represent and symbolize our subconscious, non-rational, instinctive fear of becoming someone’s lunch -- as well as the essential feelings of helplessness and powerlessness which accompany that precognitive sense of vulnerability and victimization. Dragons represent and symbolize our visceral fear of a malevolent power which is both beyond our control and can strike us down at any time without warning. And thus (at least here in the West) they have come to represent not only great power and great danger, but also great appetite: greed, avarice, the insatiable desire to acquire and hoard more and more, without any real sense of need or limitation.

Here’s a little more dragon lore. It is natural, at least in our culture, for us to associate dragons with fire; they do, after all, breath the stuff, and thus fire can be seen as a perfect metaphorical manifestation of a dragon’s reckless and indiscriminate power to destroy. But in many other cultures, dragons have generally been more closely associated with water, and with the destructive power of the ocean, and of storms. And when we toss in their ability to fly, and their penchant for gold, and gems, and other precious stones and metals, it becomes clear that dragons actually embody all four of the ancient elements: Earth, Air, Fire and Water. What makes Dragons dangerous is not so much the source of their power as its completely random unpredictability. Dragons are chaos incarnate. They represent not only our fear of the unknown, but of the unknowable -- those elements of our human experience which can neither be predicted nor controlled.

A little earlier this morning I mentioned that Chinese dragons look an awful lot like their European cousins, but they actually have very different personalities. Chinese dragons still symbolize great wealth and great power. But they embody as well a sense of prosperity, abundance, and good fortune. Chinese Dragons can be vain, but they are also wise -- as well as bold, heroic, noble, energetic, decisive, optimistic and intelligent creatures, whose ambitions and appetites are far more sophisticated than those of their European counterparts. In Chinese folklore Dragons are closely associated with the Imperial House, and those born in the Year of the Dragon are thought to enjoy superior health, wealth, and long life. Chinese dragons are still capable of great destruction. But they prefer to use their powers to protect and bless those who honor and respect them....

Here There Be Dragons....

“He was a dragonlord, they say. And you say you’re one. Tell me, what is a dragonlord?...”

“One whom the dragons will speak with,” he said, “that is a dragonlord, or at least that is the center of the matter. It’s not a trick of mastering the dragons, as most people think. Dragons have no masters. The question is always the same, with a dragon: will he talk with you or will he eat you? If you can count upon his doing the former, and not doing the latter, why then you’re a dragonlord....”


There will always be unexplored territory around the margins of our lives, where dragons and other imaginary creatures make their homes and frighten us with the threat of the unknown, and ultimately unknowable. The question is not so much whether we will ever master those dangers: Dragons have no masters. The question is whether we can master our own fear of being eaten alive long enough to learn from the wisdom of Dragons, whose avarice and cruelty have made them hunted monsters in the folklore of the West, but whose kindness and generosity have inspired human beings to worship them as deities in the Far East....

Here There Be Dragons....

It helps to have a good map before setting out on any journey. It helps to know your destination, and to be aware of what lies upon your way, and to have a good inventory of the equipment you bring with you. But ultimately, the most important discoveries that await us in our traveling never show up on any map, and it is impossible to prepare for every contingency. So we need to learn how to trust our own inner resources, and to rely upon the help of both neighbors and strangers alike; to find our bearings again when we stray off course, and to read that “inner compass” which keeps us true to our own best selves....

Here There Be Dragons....

Ultimately, the most important place we discover on our journey through life is not a place “out there.” It is rather a place “in here” -- that special place “where our own deep yearning meets the world’s great need,” and our desire for personal achievement, and our ability to be of use, come together in often unexpected and even magical sorts of ways. And then we know, in our heart of hearts, that we have become the kind of people our creator intends for us to be, and that our journey, and our destination, are the same....

READING:

[In her novel The Tombs of Atuan, the second in her award-winning “Earthsea” series, fantasy writer Ursula K. LeGuin tells the story of the Wizard “Sparrowhawk,” the Archmage of Roke, who travels to the island of Atuan in order to steal the lost half of the broken amulet of Erreth-Akbe from the underground labyrinth there. But his powers fail him, and he becomes a prisoner of the Priestess of the Labyrinth, a teenaged girl known only as Arha or “the Eaten One,” who secretly keeps him alive in defiance of her superiors in order to learn more about the world beyond the walls of the temple, which in fact now imprison them both.]

“Who was Erreth-Akbe?” she said, sly.

He looked up at her. He said nothing, but he grinned a little. Then as if on second thoughts he said, “it’s true you would know little of him here. Nothing beyond his coming to the Kargish lands, perhaps. And how much of that tale do you know?”

“That he lost his sorcerer’s staff and his amulet and his power -- like you,” she answered. He escaped from the High Priest and fled into the west, and dragons killed him. But if he’d come here to the Tombs, there had been no need of dragons.”

“True enough,” said her prisoner.

She wanted no more talk of Erreth-Akbe, sensing a danger in the subject. “He was a dragonlord, they say. And you say you’re one. Tell me, what is a dragonlord?”

Her tone was always jeering, his answers direct and plain, as if he took her questions in good faith.

“One whom the dragons will speak with,” he said, “that is a dragonlord, or at least that is the center of the matter. It’s not a trick of mastering the dragons, as most people think. Dragons have no masters. The question is always the same, with a dragon: will he talk with you or will he eat you? If you can count upon his doing the former, and not doing the latter, why then you’re a dragonlord.”

“Dragons can speak?”

“Surely! In the Eldest Tongue, the language we men learn so hard and use so brokenly, to make our spells of magic and of patterning. No man knows all that language, or a tenth of it. He has not time to learn it. But dragons live a thousand years.... They are worth talking to, as you might guess....”



Doggie Dharma

16 October 2008 at 18:41

And once again, the outpouring of public support over Parker's passing has been truly overwhelming, and so emotionally gratifying. It certainly takes the edge off of my own grief, and helps me recognized just how truly blessed I was to have this animal in my life.

Buddhism teaches that life is suffering because of our attachment or "thirst" for the things of this world which come into being and pass away. Thus life by it's very nature is on some level destined to frustrate and disappoint us, because of its impermanence and the pain and suffering we experience in loss. But there is a way through this suffering, through a noble 8-fold path of right actions, right attitudes, and right ideas that allows us to navigate through these attachments to a place of enlightenment, "in the world but not of it."

Christianity actually professes a very similar set of doctrines, only they are focused around the idea of "sin" -- essentially misdirected attitudes and actions which lead us astray from the path that leads to reunification with God, our Creator and Loving Parent. At-One-Ment comes through "repentance" or (in Greek) metanoia -- literally a "transformation of mind" in the same dramatic way that metamorphosis is a transformation of shape or form. To "repent of one's sins" sounds very stern and moralistic, but all we are really talking about here is giving up our aimless wandering and returning to a path that leads us toward something both sacred and divine, and infinitely larger than ourselves, yet to which we are intimately connected.

I believe that dogs are "persons" because they clearly have personalities, and I also believe that dogs have souls...because how could they not? What I'm NOT sure about is whether or not dogs are capable of sin. Meanwhile, I've been told that some Buddhists believe that the reason dogs watch us so closely is that their next incarnation is as a human being.

But what if it's not? What if it's really the other way around?

Too Scary for Words

16 October 2008 at 15:51


Yes, this is an actual, legitimate, unphotoshopped photograph from last night's debate, showing EXACTLY what it appears to show: the decrepit old (white) Man Who Would Be President sticking his tongue out and (pretending to be?) grabbing at the ass of the handsome and articulate young (black) Man Who SHOULD Be President. And I hope this image surges through the media the same way that the Dukakis tank commander photo or Howard Dean's "Scream" did...but I doubt it will. It's the sort of photo that is easily ignored: no sound, no movement -- just a moment of still photography easily explained away as "a misdirected old man who got confused and was heading off stage in the wrong direction." Which sort of fits the overall theme of the McCain Campaign these days anyway.

I actually thought McCain did pretty well last night: didn't foam at the mouth, kept his temper, put Obama on the defensive with his carefully-crafted (and unrebuttable) innuendo, and basically seized control of both the tempo and the direction of the debate by ignoring the moderator and butting in whenever he felt like it. Played the race/age/experience card for all it was worth: a seasoned, well-tested (white) "Maverick" vs. the "eloquent," smooth-talking and good-looking but relatively unknown (and unfamiliar BLACK) "tax and spend" liberal. But at the end of the day, it was still the same old tired words out of the mouth of a washed-up, over-the-hill politician desperate for his crack at four years of unprecedented executive power.

I was, although, particularly entertained when McCain used a variation of the same line I suggested Al Gore should have used when Bush attempted to link him to the various Clinton scandals back in 2000: "that was the fella who beat your daddy; you have to run against ME." God how I wish Gore had won that election -- or should I say, fought harder to prevent the Bushies from STEALING that election. What a different world we would be living in now....

And it is still my fantasy that as George W. Bush exits the Inaugural Platform next January, it will be into the waiting arms of representatives of the World Court, who will then escort him to his holding cell in the Hague. And of course my great fear is that there will be no Inauguration -- that after the fiasco of THIS election (and God only knows what may happen next) the Bushies will fabricate some desperate excuse for holding on to power, and enforce it by military means.

Do we really want to see tanks in the streets of Washington DC? They say it could never happen here. But you know, recently I've seen a LOT of things folks said could never happen here. And while some have been good, some others have been not so good as well.

I guess a couple of other quick thoughts before I sign off, since I post here so infrequently as it is. I'm really concerned that we need not just an Obama victory, but an Obama landslide for this election to really create the mandate that Obama needs to effect meaningful change: a huge margin in both the electoral and the popular vote, plus solid majorities in both Houses, and strong showings in local elections as well. We need to sweep aside every last remnant of Karl Rove's vision of a "permanent Republican majority," and reinstate the more tolerant and diverse "liberal" family values based on civility, mutual concern, and the larger public good.

But beyond that, we will be laying a tremendous burden of expectation upon the shoulders of a single individual -- more than any one individual can possibly bear, I think. And so we all need to be willing to step up and to sacrifice in order to create the change we need. Sacrifice = to make sacred. It's OK if we all share it. But the plutocratic "croney capitalism" of the past eight years has GOT to end. And steps need to be taken to return that unprecedented concentration of wealth back to ALL the American people, so that it might be used for the common good.

And at the same time, given the Bush administration's unapologetic attempts to concentrate power in the hands of the Executive Branch, and the apparent NEED for that kind of power the next administration will claim it needs in order to undo the mess the Bushies have created, is there ANY politician on the Planet who could possibly be convinced to LET GO of that power once the essential tasks have been accomplished. We need a Cincinnatus, and not a Caesar. George Washington understood that. I think even Michael Dukakis did. But do you really think that Sarah Palin has even a CLUE to what I'm talking about?

"TO CROSS THE WIDE, WILD OCEAN"

12 October 2008 at 18:41
a sermon preached by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the First Parish in Portland, Maine
Sunday October 12, 2008

****
OPENING WORDS:

I am standing on the sea shore,

A ship sails in the morning breeze and starts for the ocean.

She is an object of beauty and I stand watching her Till at last she fades on the horizon and someone at my side says: “She is gone.”


Gone! Where?

Gone from my sight - that is all.

She is just as large in the masts, hull and spars as she was when I saw her.

And just as able to bear her load of living freight to its destination.

The diminished size and total loss of sight is in me, not in her.


And just at the moment when someone at my side says, “She is gone,” there are others who are watching her coming, and other voices take up a glad shout: “There she comes”

-- and that is dying. 

An horizon and just the limit of our sight.

Lift us up, Oh Lord, that we may see further.
--Bishop Charles Henry Brent 1862 - 1926

************

I know this may come as a surprise to many of you given everything I’ve just read, but I never really cared that much for dogs when I was younger. I always saw myself as more of a cat person. In fact, when I was a teenager, I figured that you could pretty much divide up the entire world according to these two categories. Cat people were graceful and free and independent, while dog people were sort of dull and stupid and noisy. Cat people went on to become artists and poets and musicians and (of course) sailors, while dog people owned “stinkpots,” and became cops and used car salesmen and Junior High School Vice Principals. Cat people liked to do their own thing, and go their own way, and mind their own business; while dog people were always sniffing around (and sticking their noses in where they really didn’t belong), digging things up, barking for attention, slobbering EVERYWHERE, and generally hounding us cat people up a tree.

My father was a dog person. As those of you who have met him may already know, when I was growing up my father worked as a regional sales manager for a large pharmaceutical company; and then later in his career became a sales trainer and process improvement consultant for several different large, multinational corporations. He knew how to sit up and fetch and roll over and shake hands, and qualities like loyalty, discipline, tenacity and obedience were very important to him. I didn't really appreciate that when I was a teenager. I just thought it was rather ridiculous of him to try to get a cat like me to wear a leash like his.

Of course, now that I am older (and have been the parent of two teenaged children of my own), I understand these things a lot better. And my estimation of cats has fallen considerably in that time. They say that you can't teach an old dog new tricks, but in my experience you can't teach a cat of any age much of anything at all, except maybe when to eat and where to excrete, two things that most dogs learn far more quickly than do human children. The reason that curiosity killed the cat was that the cat was too stupid to get out of harm's way. No dog that I've ever known has managed to get itself stuck up a tree and out on a limb, unable to get down of its own volition!

Dogs are courageous where cats are cowardly; dogs are affectionate where cats are aloof; dogs come when they're called and stay where they're told and only very rarely bite the hand that feeds them. There are some archeologists who estimate that dogs have been part of human society for as long as 25,000 years, and all 400-plus breeds you see today are still members of a single species. A cat may occasionally catch a bothersome rodent and deposit it in your bed where you'll be sure to find it and appreciate it most first thing in the morning; but dogs can be trained to bring you your slippers and your newspaper, to protect your home from intruders, to guide the blind, herd sheep, hunt ducks, and do hundreds of other useful jobs in exchange for their bed and board.

Of course, I'm speaking of dogs in general now; not all dogs live up to the promise of their species. And unlike my good friend and Harvard classmate Gary Kowalski, I'm not quite ready yet to ordain dogs to the ministry, whatever their virtues as spiritual advisors. "Give not that which is holy unto the dogs, neither cast ye your pearls before swine" saith the Scripture. I don’t know about you, but I just wouldn’t feel comfortable about going for counseling to a therapist who growled, barked, whimpered and whined for a fifty-minute hour, and then licked my face when the session was over. A dog may well be "a man's best friend," but somebody has got to draw the line somewhere!

Actually, my dog, The Adorable Parker, although named for a famous 19th-century Unitarian theologian, possessed very few of the spiritual qualities enumerated by Gary. But compared to her predecessors, Calvin and Luther, she was a saint! Those two “Big Dawgs” certainly had healthy enough appetites, liked to exercise, and got at least eight hours of sleep a day (usually on the couch); but they lived for junk food (pizza was their favorite), and one Christmas they stole a 20 pound turkey out of our kitchen where it was thawing overnight. Of the seven deadly sins: pride, envy, anger, dejection, avarice, gluttony, and lust — I knew them to be relatively free only of the last, and that due to a surgical procedure performed by the veterinarian when they were still puppies, and not because of any special piety on their part.

Over the years, my dogs have proven amiable enough companions: loyal, friendly, and reasonably obedient if I'm there to keep an eye on them; but they were hardly saints, and even Parker loved nothing better than to tear through the garbage in search of a tasty tidbit the moment I let her out of my sight.

Martin Luther once wished that he "could only pray the way this dog looks at meat;" while the 17th century English metaphysical poet George Herbert insightfully noted that "He who lies with the dogs, riseth with fleas." Samuel Butler observed that "The great pleasure of a dog is that you may make a fool of yourself with him and not only will he not scold you, but he will make a fool of himself too."

Yet perhaps no one learned more about life from dogs than the "dog philosopher" himself, Diogenes of Sinope, the original Cynic, whose philosophy of cynicism takes its name from the Greek word for dog. Diogenes believed that one could obtain spiritual liberation by minimizing one's physical needs and freeing oneself from the foolish pleasures and conventions of society. In this respect, he was very much like Henry David Thoreau, who in his day was sometimes called the “Diogenes of Concord,” and who learned to measure his own wealth by the things he could afford to do without.

But Diogenes went far beyond Thoreau in his effort to achieve self-realization through the rejection of the "artificial" values of human society. He literally lived like a dog in a tub on the outskirts of Corinth, where his acerbic criticism of pretense and vanity soon gained him quite a reputation throughout Greece. It is said that Diogenes was once visited by the Epicurean philosopher Aristippus, who through his skill at flattery had earned himself a comfortable place at the court of Dionysius, the tyrant of Syracuse. Seeing Diogenes preparing a meager meal of lentils, Aristippus told him "if you would only learn to [pay a] compliment, you wouldn't have to live on lentils." "And if you would only learn to live on lentils, you wouldn't have to flatter Dionysius," retorted the Cynic.

Alexander the Great likewise sought out Diogenes, and found him sunning himself, just as a dog might, there near his tub on the outskirts of town. When Alexander asked whether there was any way which he, the conqueror of the known world, might serve the philosopher, Diogenes asked him to "Stand out of my sun." But when Alexander's entourage began to ridicule the Cynic, Alexander reportedly silenced them with the comment "If I were not Alexander, I should wish to be Diogenes."

In yet another story, Alexander comes upon Diogenes examining a heap of human bones. "What are you looking for?" the king inquires. "I am looking for the bones of your father," replies the Cynic, "but I cannot distinguish them from those of his slaves."

Nowadays we think of Cynicism as that attitude which sees the worst in every situation, which questions the sincerity of people's motives, sneers at the hint of goodness or compassion, and assumes that most folks act out of their own narrow self-interest, with little concern for the happiness or well-being of those around them. To the cynic all politicians are liars, all businessmen are crooks, (I hesitate to repeat the things they say about the clergy); and anyone who believes otherwise is a fool, deserving of whatever injustice they may suffer.

Yet dogs, as a rule, are loyal, honest, trusting creatures, eager to please and devoted to a fault, whatever cynical motives we may attribute to them. I can't really blame them for preferring Pizza to Purina or the the living room couch to a crate in the garage; I suspect I'd feel exactly the same way if the choice were left to me. What is truly amazing about dogs is their capacity for near-unconditional love, an instinctive affection for human kind engraved upon their souls by ten thousand years of breeding and training. A dog WANTS to love its owner, more than anything else in the world, and will often do so in defiance of its own best interests.

Calvin came into our household as a death camp survivor, literally rescued from the Midland County Pound seconds before he was scheduled to be euthanized. An AKC registered Weimaraner who had been badly abused by its previous owners, and then abandoned when they moved away, he was a good twenty to thirty pounds underweight when he came to live with us -- his ribs were clearly visible beneath his flesh, and a mere movement of the hand was enough to send him cowering in a corner. He barked all night, he peed in the house, he chewed up everything he could get his teeth on; but his one great fear was the fear of being abandoned again, and once that fear was set at ease, as we fattened him up with scraps from our table and allowed him to sleep on the floor at the foot of our bed, he became as devoted a house pet as anyone could ask for.

Luther had a slightly different story. Luther was what you might call a "puppy of a lesser dog" — a congenitally deaf Dalmatian who somehow managed to turn his head at precisely the moment the veterinarian snapped his fingers, and thus escaped the fate which ordinarily awaits "defective" purebred dogs. It's tempting, I suppose, to feel pity for Luther, living as he did in a silent world all his own. But being deaf wasn’t something that Luther generally lost any sleep over; as far as he was concerned, he was just another dog, who didn’t know or care much about what he might have been missing. And he didn’t miss much, at least not in the way of trouble: he could bark and chew and dig and strew garbage with the best of them. Moreover, sirens, thunderstorms, and Fourth of July firecrackers were no big deal for that hearing-impaired canine; and I swear he could smell the Pizza truck coming up the street long before Calvin heard it pull into our driveway.

Parker was, is, and in many ways shall always be my “forever dog." A “pet-quality” Boston Terrier (although we sometimes refered to her as a Boston Terroist), whose non-standard markings imperfect gait had likewise caused her to be rejected by her original owners, in many ways she represented to us the best of all possible worlds: a cat-sized critter with the heart and personality of a full-sized Canis Lupus Familiaris. For over thirteen years she was my near-constant companion: we slept in the same bed, often ate from the same plate (only after I was FINISHED, of course), and for many years pretty much spent every waking moment together (which sounds a lot more impressive than it was, considering the amount of time she slept). I loved her as a puppy; learned to appreciate her more fully as a fully-grown dog; and in her final days she taught me once again the essential truth of Forrest Church’s definition of religion as ‘our human response to the dual reality of being alive and having to die.”

She reminded me as well of Forrest’s more trenchant theological observation (which I have quoted now at practically every Memorial Service I have conducted since I first read it more than a decade ago), that “knowing that we are going to die not only places an acknowledged limit on our lives, it also lends a special intensity and poignancy to the time we are given to live and love. The fact that death is inevitable gives meaning to our love, for the more we love the more we risk losing. Love’s power comes in part from the courage required to give ourselves to that which is not ours to keep: spouses, children, parents, dear and cherished friends, [of course, dogs...] even life itself. It also comes from the faith required to sustain that courage, the faith that life, howsoever limited and mysterious, contains at its margins, often at their very edges, a meaning that is redemptive.”

Proverbs 26:11 reads "Like a dog that returns to his own vomit is the fool that repeats his folly." Yet as unappetizing as it may sound, this is precisely the genius of dogs: their eagerness to please, the tenacity of their love, their willingness to try again and again to do what is asked them in exchange for the smallest token of our affection. The cynics may find this a foolish virtue, but within it, perhaps, lies a lesson for the spirit: a lesson in loyalty, discipline, tenacity and obedience which leads to a larger liberty of the soul, a tolerance for difference and diversity, the courage to devote ourselves to that which is not ours to keep, and a reward of unconditional acceptance that transcends the limits of our understanding, yet still awakens deep within us our own capacity for love.

READING(S)

[I’ve known Gary Kowalski for about 30 years now; he was a classmate of mine at the Harvard Divinity School, and currently serves as the minister of the Unitarian Universalist Church in Burlington Vermont. He is without a doubt one of the smartest people I’ve ever known; in fact, I sometimes like to joke that I have only had three good ideas in my lifetime, and that two of them started out as Gary’s. In addition to his work as a Unitarian Universalist minister, Gary has also developed a whole second career as an author and an animal rights activist. Two of his books in particular touch on my topic for today: Goodbye, Friend: Healing Wisdom for Anyone Who Has Ever Lost a Pet is the 7th-best selling book in its catagory at Amazon this week, while his earlier book The Souls of Animals is now in a second edition, and contains a widely-quoted passage about the virtues of dogs as spiritual advisors which has always been a particular favorite of mine. But even before Gary published that book, I’d seen (and saved) an earlier draft of that particular passage from one of his church newsletter columns, and since we have a little extra time today, I thought I’d read them both....]

CLICK HERE TO LINK TO GARY'S BLOG, "REVOLUTIONARY SPIRITS"


from The Souls of Animals by Gary Kowalski

My dog has deep knowledge to impart. He makes friends easily and doesn’t hold a grudge. He enjoys simple pleasures and takes each day as it comes. Like a true Zen master, he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired. He’s not hung up about sex. Best of all, he befriends me with an unconditional love that human beings would do well to emulate.

Chinook does have his failings, of course. He’s afraid of firecrackers and hides in the clothes closet whenever we run the vacuum cleaner, but unlike me he’s not afraid of what other people think of him or anxious about his public image. He barks at the mail carrier and the newsboy, but in contrast with some people I know he never growls at the children or barks at his wife.

So my dog is a sort of guru. When I become too serious and preoccupied, he reminds me of the importance of frolicking and play. When I get too wrapped up in abstractions and ideas, he reminds me of the importance of exercising and caring for my body. On his own canine level, he shows me that it might be possible to live without inner conflicts or neuroses: uncomplicated, genuine, and glad to be alive.


“FROM THE STUDY” by Gary Kowalski

My dog is my therapist and my spiritual advisor. He models healthy values for me. He has a sound appetite, gets plenty of exercise, and sleeps at least eight hours a day. He doesn't drink or smoke. He makes friends easily, doesn't carry a grudge, and has a healthy and uninhibited expression of sexual needs. He doesn't eat junk food. He doesn't worry excessively or hang on to regrets, but pretty much takes each day as it comes. He doesn't know the meaning of life, but he enjoys almost every minute of it.

I believe the essentials required for happiness are not too complicated: nutritious food, fresh air, going for walks, and someone to pat us on the tail when we go to sleep at night. These basics are within the reach of most people. If you're seeking a fulfillment that eludes you consider: contentment may be a bone buried in your own back yard.

It's a dog's life

12 October 2008 at 00:45


Picked up Parker's ashes Saturday morning at the Vets, and paid off the last two hundred and change of that bill...and was already feeling relieved that I'd decided to change topics and preach about Parker rather than Cristobal Colon, because even though I had a fantastic title ("To Cross the Wide, Wild Ocean") and a fantastic theme, I think I would have pretty much been at a loss to talk about anything else. Saying goodbye to Parker was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make, but it really was her time to go -- and the longer I sit with my decision the more convinced I am it was the right one. I know she would have done and endured just about anything I asked her to -- but she was in an awful lot of physical pain (a lot more, I think, than I was willing to admit at the time), and now that I have been free for awhile of both the physical and the emotional burden of caring for her, I'm starting to appreciate just how heavy that burden really was on both of us.



She hated the indignity of wearing the diaper; she hated the fact that she had lost the use of both of her hind legs, and had developed terrible open pressure sores on both elbows from trying to scoot herself around (sores that simply wouldn't heal no matter how carefully I tried to doctor them)...and when I start to spell it out like this, I realize just how deeply in denial I truly was. Every morning when we got up she would give me this sad look that seemed to say -- "Please make this better, but don't hurt me again." It just got to the point that putting her to sleep really was the best that I could do. So even though I've always hated that euphemism, in all honesty that was EXACTLY how it felt...like she had just gently fallen asleep in my embrace. And having witnessed that, no doubt when my time comes close, I'll be moving back to Oregon so that I can also take advantage of my right to "die like a dog."



And she hasn't gone far. Not only are her ashes only a few feet behind me (on top of a bookshelf in front of my model sailboat and beside my Patrick O'Brian novels), I can still feel her presence in me and all around me -- not just in my heart but here in the room and by her crate and in the round pillow at the foot of my bed where she slept these last few weeks and months of her life.... Such an amazing influence she has had on my entire existence over the past 13 years. I am literally a better human being because of my relationship with this dog. And that's kind of odd and funny in its own right. But comforting too. And now even from beyond the grave, she still brings me joy and solace....God love her.

Yes, yes, yes...she was amazing: they are ALL amazing. And whether or not I ever have another depends a lot more on the state of MY health than it does any concern about risking the grief of loving (and losing) once again. In the meantime, I am planning to be quite promiscuous about loving other people's animals, and look forward to petting quite a few in days and weeks and months to come. I feel as if that entire period of my life has now come to a full and comfortable conclusion, and I am free both to embrace the memory of it with both joy and sorrow, and also to begin moving forward to whatever awaits me next. Do dogs have souls? Absolutely! And the consuming grief we feel in mourning the passing of an animal has to do with the fundamental intellectual inequality of that relationship, which leaves us to do so much of the thinking and mental "processing" of the experience, while our critters look up to us with those big trusting eyes that seem to say "make this right, make this right" and then count on us to do the right thing. It wasn't easy, but I know that I have done the right thing...and I will sleep peacefully with that decision at least, even as I selfishly miss her company.

Regnbuebroen

8 October 2008 at 19:42
"The Rainbow Bridge"

For anyone who has ever lost a beloved companion animal, and just feels like a good cry.

(For extra fun, you can read this in 15 different languages by using the links across the top of the site).

Just this side of heaven is a place called Rainbow Bridge.

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food, water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable.

All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor. Those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by. The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing; they each miss someone very special to them, who had to be left behind.

They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. His bright eyes are intent. His eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to run from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster.

You have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

Then you cross Rainbow Bridge together....

Ladies & Gentlemen, Children of All Ages...

6 October 2008 at 13:18


Welcome to "The Greatest Show on Earth." And it's hard for me to believe that these folks have been in business for over a century and a half -- and P.T. Barnum's career as a showman stretches back even farther than that. But this is how I spent yesterday afternoon, and frankly it was even more fun than I expected it to be. It's been at least 40 years since I'd last been as a child, I especially enjoyed the trained wiener dog (ok, dachshund) act -- although the tigers and the elephants were both impressive as well. I know the animal acts are still very controversial, but they are so much a part of the circus tradition I can't really imagine what it would be like without them. And I think in her youth, Parker would have very much liked to have been a circus dog. But instead she had to settle for a little Agility training, chasing a tennis ball, and jumping on the furniture....

The clowning in this circus was very refreshing as well -- none of that tired old Bozo-like white face with a big red nose. Instead, two Russian clowns, Stanislav Knyhozkov ("Stas") and Vasily Trifonov ("Vas") did most of the physical clowning around; while Justin Case (who describes himself as an "Eccentric Extraordinaire) did some amazingly amusing bicycle tricks, and provided a lot of the narrative "glue" which holds the show together, and gave continuity to the fine assortment of acrobats, aerialists,, jugglers and other performers who comprise the rest of the show.

But I didn't come here this morning to review the circus.

When my former wife was a little girl growing up in Chicago, her family had a rule: only one circus per year. And her brother always wanted to hold out for the "big" circus -- three rings, dozens of acts, hundreds of performers, plus a side show and all the rest. But Margie's rule was "always take the First Circus." And her logic was impeccable. Not only do you get to go the the First Circus right away, by the time the second circus (or the third or fourth) rolls into town, your parents' attitude might have softened a bit, especially if they had a good time the first time. And if the First Circus turned out to be a disappointment... well, you could always argue for a "do over," and so on and so on.

But the real point of the First Circus is that it is almost always simpler (and preferable) to navigate the possibilities of the here and now, rather than speculating about the probabilities of what yet may or may not be. The "First Circus" may very well turn out to be the last circus -- so don't be shy about seizing the moment and making the most of it. Because some day the day does come when there won't always be another circus. And that day may well be sooner than we think.

The Rainbow Bridge

5 October 2008 at 00:08


And at the end of the day, it was not so much some profound revelation from the somber depths of the Dark Night of the Soul, as a quiet insight gleaned in the wee hours of the morning while listening to her snore peacefully at the end of my bed as she had so many nights in the 13 years we have been together.... Such an amazing animal, who would have tried to do anything I asked her to, even though I could tell she was in almost constant physical discomfort, and often in great pain.



And yet despite the pain, she could also still experience great joy...along with the indignity of needing to wear a diaper, and the frustration of WANTING to do the right thing and not being physically able to deliver. In the end, she had ugly open pressure sores on both her rear elbows from trying to scoot herself around without any real use of her hind legs (and which despite my best treatment were not really going away), and her backside wasn't holding up all that well either. I had to ask myself which which more selfish of me? -- the desire to have as much time with her as I can, even though I know it prolongs her own ordeal? Or my own desire NOT to have to witness her sad and painful decline, but to let her go peacefully sooner rather than later?



And then there's always the most troubling question of all: what if I wait too long? I really wanted Parker's last day to be a "Good" one, and not just the final indignity in a long ordeal of decline and suffering.




And I honestly feel like I met that goal. Parker spent most of yesterday just hanging around the house, eating up the last of the dog treats and enjoying both the full attention of everyone who dropped by to visit, and also the luxury of being able to escape the Pampers for a time, and rest on her bed the way that God intended her to. This morning we slept late, and I even let her back up on to my bed for awhile...which is something she had always enjoyed, but hasn't really been an option for several months now. Our appointment was for 10:30 AM -- we met up with Parker's two long-term dogsitters (who had cared for her during my long hospitalization and rehab stay), and all went into the room togther. I know Parker was a little confused and upset by all the emotion she was witnessing in us, but we all took turns exchanging final pets and kisses, and then it was time. I know it sounds like a cliche, but when Parker gave up the ghost it was literally as if she had simply fallen asleep in my arms.



Now that it's over, at least give me some comfort to think that once Parker has crossed over that "Rainbow Bridge," she will in some way be united with Calvin and Luther and Foster and Daisy (and Chester and Emma and Adolf...) and all of the other remarkable animals who have given so much love to so many of us over the years. 10-15,000 years -- maybe more. Humanity's first truly domesticated animal, who made so much of the rest of human society possible, from hunting and herding and "domestic security," to all of the various tasks they perform today.

But these are topics for another occasion. Today, it's all about my grief -- a grief I can barely express out loud, or in words without the filter of this keyboard. Dear God -- I loved that dog, and I love her no less now that she's "gone" than I did when she was a puppy. She enriched my life in so many ways, and I feel so fortunate to have had the privilege to have been her companion.



In days to come I will no doubt find ample opportunity to write more about this remarkable animal who gave me so much, and who helped me to learn so many important lessons about trust, loyalty, fidelity, caregiving, joy, playfulness, and unconditional love. So many stories to tell, so many pictures to share, so many memories to hold in my heart and let inspire me to greater and greater levels of dogged devotion and committment.... Thank you Parker, for the great gift of your companionship. "We shall remember while the light lives, And in darkness we shall not forget."



THE ADORABLE PARKER JENSEN-WEDDELL
(JAN 11, 1995 - OCT 4, 2008)

Midweek Update

2 October 2008 at 00:02
Good News today on the medical front -- last week's CT scan once again shows stable, arrested tumors with no additional growth or metastases -- which translates into another four week "vacation" from the Doctor, and (assuming no dramatic symptomatic changes in that time) another CT scan four weeks after that.  Which is about as good a medical report as I might have expected.  For miracles, I'm going to have to look a little closer to my own profession.

Meanwhile, I also received a referral to a new nutritionist who specializes in cancer, and started back to work with a new psychotherapist as well.  I've gained 21 lbs as a cancer patient, and (even more annoying) my neck size has increased by 4 inches, mostly (my Doc thinks) because of the steroids I've been taking to help with the pain in my spine.  I wasn't a skinny guy to begin with, but all the advice I was given in cancer class tended to be the same: chemo is going to make you nauseous and wipe out your appetite, so keep comfort foods on hand and eat as much as you can, so that you don't just waste away like...well, like a cancer patient on chemo.  Anyway, that was all the encouragement I needed...but now the chemo is over (at least for the time being), and I really need to start working with someone who knows what they are talking about when it comes to balancing living with cancer with sensible nutrition and a reasonable weight loss plan.  Plus, it lets me feel like I'm still doing something pro-active to fight my disease, rather than just sitting around watching and waiting for it to make the next move.  The psychotherapy is obviously a lot more personal, but mostly has to do with issues of anticipatory grief as I work out some of the larger ramifications of this illness -- especially if and when things stop going as well as they have so far.

Just feeling well enough to be back in the pulpit though has been a big morale booster.  Didn't climb all the way into the High Pulpit this past week, simply because so many people told me it made them nervous or uncomfortable to see me "struggle" up those stairs.  Personally though, I like it up there -- I feel much more comfortable preaching from my new stool instead of sitting in the wheelchair, plus the view is a lot better: both my view of the congregation, and their view of me.  In any event, I have this next Sunday off, and then will be preaching the following two Sundays in a row, so I may preach on Columbus Day from my stool down on the lower chancel (just to see what THAT looks and feels like), and then climb back into the pulpit again for the sermon on October 19th.

Last Sunday's sermon was about Banned Books Week; had a small congregation because of the rainstorm, but spirits were still good despite the bad weather, and folks seemed to enjoy my message.  Because of the narcotics I'm taking for pain control, my emotions always seem very close to the surface these days, and it doesn't take much to choke me up.  I've pretty much gotten over feeling embarrassed by that (or at least have accepted that it's going to happen and that there's not much I can do about it); still, it's hard to feel comfortable with the loss of control, or the feeling that I'm just not at 100% the way I should be.  The congregation tends to interpret it as a sign of my authenticity and sincere engagement...which I suppose is also true, and comforting in it's own way.  I just hope that given a little more practice, I'll be able to preach a sincere and authentic sermon without reaching for the tissues half-a-dozen times. 

Last big subject on my mind this past week has had to do with the health and future of The Adorable Parker, my faithful companion animal of 13 years, who is literally on her last legs and counting on me to do the right thing.  But anything I can think of to say about this situation simply sounds like a cliche; I just keep telling myself that she'll tell me when the time is right, and try to balance my own selfish desire to have as much time with her as possible with my equally selfish desire NOT to have to witness her inevitable (and unavoidable) decline.  I know that her days are numbered, and are starting to feel like an ordeal to her, but I also know that she is still capable of experiencing joy and pleasure, and that she will try to do anything I ask her to, even at the price of intense physical pain.  And I guess my biggest concern is that I will wait too long.  I want her last day to be one of her best days, and not just long-overdue relief from a discomfort that should have ended long ago....



My favorite prayer (at least these days): "Dear God -- Please help me to become the kind of person my dog thinks I am...."

SALVATION BY...BIBLIOGRAPHY?

29 September 2008 at 01:28
a sermon preached by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the First Parish Church in Portland, Maine
Sunday September 28th, 2008

Opening Words: from the Tao Te Ching

Cultivated in the individual,
Character will become genuine;
Cultivated in the family,
Character will become abundant;
Cultivated in the village,
Character will multiply;
Cultivated in the state,
Character will prosper;
Cultivated in the world,
Character will become universal.


***
[Extemporaneous Introduction]

As I mentioned a little earlier, this is Banned Books Week, which is always a good time to check in to see how I’m doing. On the American Library Association’s list of the 100 most Frequently Challenged Books of the 90’s, I’ve sad to say I’ve only read a total of 40 -- although my total would probably be a lot higher if I still had school-aged children around the house, or was a bigger fan of Stephen King’s. I do a little better with the Pelham Public Library’s Fahrenheit 451 Banned Book Club Reading list for 2008 -- 81 out of 175. But when I finally got around to that classic list of the Standard Sixty-Five Banned Books of All Time (you know, the one that starts out with The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn and finishes up with Ulysses Uncle Tom’s Cabin and A Wrinkle in Time) I found I had read all or part of all but seven.

Which I guess just goes to show that not all banned books are really worthy of being read. Some of these titles remind me a lot of a review written by Dorothy Parker about a now long- (and probably well-) forgotten volume: “This is not a book to be tossed aside lightly. It should be hurled with great force.” But the quality of the literature itself is really a secondary consideration when compared to the more fundamental “right to read” in the first place. When the act of reading itself is placed under suspicion through the use of tactics like book challenges and attempts to characterize whole catagories of literature (like Harry Potter, for instance) as “anti-religious,” then it is time for religious liberals like ourselves to step up and tell the other side of the story....

***
I also want to say just a word or two about the title of my sermon this morning -- “Salvation by Bibliography.” This is actually a turn of phrase that was first shared with me by a more-experiencced, senior colleague when I was still young and relatively new to the ministry, in an attempt to explain to me why so many UU ministers have such huge personal libraries, and why whenever someone comes to us with a problem, more often than not one of the very first things we do is recommend a book about it. It was a tongue-in-cheek remark (with a sharp edge of tooth about it), all based on an attempt to communicate to me the plain and simple truth that none of us in this line of work really feels like we are smart enough to do the job the way it really ought to be done.

And so we surround ourselves with the wisdom of the ages, hoping that perhaps some of it will rub off and sink in. Among the many other things it is, Parish Ministry is in many ways a lifetime Spiritual Discipline of Reading & Reflection, Prayerful Meditation, and Thoughtful, Contemplative Composition and Action. It is a weekly engagement, as Emerson put it, with “Life -- Life passed through the Fire of Thought;” and the DISCIPLINE of doing it every week -- or even every other week -- quickly begins to define everything else preachers say or do as living human beings.

During his own lifetime, Theodore Parker (the 19th century Unitarian minister for whom my dog is named) had a private library of some fifteen thousand volumes -- it was the largest library of its type anywhere in North America at the time, or (just for purposes of comparison) about five times as large as mine, which (as some of you know) is already overflowing the available shelf space I have to devote to it. Bibliomania is an obsession not only tolerated, but actively encouraged among Unitarian Universalist ministers, “...an innocent habit” the Rev. John Haynes Holmes wrote in his autobiography I Speak for Myself, “to be indulged, I believe, to the limit of ambition.”

My library proliferated like a biological organism. It grew into hundreds, then into thousands of books. Each new volume, like a newborn infant, was classified and then placed upon the shelves, there to produce a little library of its own, in its own proud field of learning. Just to look at this collection of books, lined up like soldiers at drill, was to be instructed, inspired, uplifted by the discipline of imagination and order. To handle them by taking them one after another haphazardly from the shelves, if only to caress their handsome bindings, and consult afresh their learned indices, is to feel the gates of wisdom swing wide to our approach. Then there are the first editions to be sought out once again, the authors’ inscriptions and signatures to be re-examined, the classics to be consulted for fresh study and delight. “Have you read all these books, Grandpa?” asked a skeptical young miss on a certain day of intimate disclosure. “No, my dear,” was my reply, “I don’t believe I have read half of them. But I know what’s in them all, and why they are here.” I count this the real justification of the private library. To have the great books on hand, and the current books as they pass by, to be used when needed or desired!

I can also still remember the first time I ever read that passage, shortly after receiving a copy of Holmes’ autobiography as a gift from the personal library of the retired Universalist minister Tracy Pullman, when I was still a divinity student at Harvard. Tracy actually gave me two huge paper grocery sacks full of books, which I had to carry home with me on the Red Line in the dead of winter. But when I was finally able to unpack them and put them up on the shelves of my snug little room in Divinity Hall, they warmed the place better than even a fire in the grate, and made me feel cozy and at home. It was more than just a gift of paper. It was an intellectual legacy being passed down from generation to generation: an act of faith and trust that I would use those books to help me carry on the good work which Tracy had done for an entire lifetime.

It used to be that “erudition and personal piety” were the two principal criteria on which aspiring ministers were examined prior to being approbated for ordination. Nowadays we’ve changed the labels somewhat, but the baseline qualifications are still pretty much the same: an appropriate academic credential, plus good “people skills” and a somewhat vaguely-defined quality known as “ministerial presence” (which, as best I can tell, is a delicate balance of gravitas and levity which allows good clergy to take their work seriously without necessarily taking themselves TOO seriously).

Good ministers need to be sensitive, but not thin-skinned; smart but not arrogant; confident, but also humble. And since none of these combinations really comes naturally to a normal human being, it takes lots of practice and a lot of self-discipline just to get them kind of close to right. The very best ministers I know have all learned how to lead by listening, which is also why the clergy I respect the most consider it such an honor and a blessing to serve generous, tolerant, and forgiving congregations, especially early in our careers.

Like any seriously devoted religious or spiritual lifestyle, Ministry is a form of Discipleship: a specialized kind of apprenticeship, or disciplined learning, where the learner/apprentice/disciple is not only expected to master a particular body of knowledge and set of professional skills and techniques, but also to develop certain insights, personal beliefs, and ethical values to accompany those skills, as well as a profound and deeply-internalized sense of principled moral integrity -- qualities which educate the Soul as well as the Mind. Discipleship is about both Doing and Being: not just how well we perform, but who we ARE and how well we express that identity in every other aspect of our lives.

Our 19th century Unitarian and Universalist ancestors used to talk about this process of educating one’s conscience in terms of two closely related ideas. The first was the notion of “Self-Culture.” And the second was a doctrine known as “Salvation by Character.” Both of these beliefs shared the understanding that the human soul was something organic, like a flowering plant, which if properly cultivated (or “cultured”) would blossom into something at once both beautiful and useful.

The “fruit” of this process of cultivation was Character: a distinctive and essential pattern of personal attributes which embodied moral strength, self-discipline, and the various other exemplary characteristics of a principled and virtuous life. By educating the moral sentiment, through (for example) “exposure to uplifting works of literature;” and by exercising their moral fiber through acts of charity and the performance of other good works, our liberal religious forebearers attempted to transform their lives into living testaments of their religious values.

Of course, sensitivity, intelligence, confidence, humility, a thick skin and an open-minded, non-defensive attitude are not merely attractive qualities for ministers only. Together they also describe a style of spiritual wisdom which represents an important asset for any person of faith. And it’s not necessarily something that can be learned exclusively from books. Academic scholars in this field often differentiate between formal theology and what is known as “lived religion” -- the kinds of spiritual beliefs and practices which shape and inform the everyday experiences of ordinary people’s lives.

The two are obviously related, but they can also be quite distinct. You don’t need to have a graduate degree in theology in order to live an ethical and meaningful life. Most of the values by which we live our day to day lives we learned from our parents, or from our peers...from friends, family, mentors, colleagues, teachers, coaches, neighbors, perhaps even ministers...and certainly our Sunday school instructors!

These lessons may have started out in books, but now they have made their way into the very fabric of our lives and our society. Be honest. Tell the truth, and be as good as your word. Don’t take advantage of those who are weaker than you, but do unto others as you would have others do unto you.

Think for a moment about what other lessons like this you have learned. Where did you learn them? And why does “reality” sometimes tempt us to compromise our “childish” or naive beliefs about right and wrong? We all know that life isn’t always fair, and that often the experience of frustration, disappointment or betrayal can leave us feeling wounded, bitter and cynical. Often we may feel that our innocence makes us vulnerable, and that we need to protect ourselves by acting in ways that we know under “normal” circumstances wouldn’t be right. But it’s EXACTLY at times like those when it takes a lot of moral courage to refrain from doing something we just know deep down in our hearts is wrong, even though we can rationalize it in our minds as necessary and justified.

For most traditional Christians, of course, discipleship is ultimately about following and imitating Jesus, and the list of uplifting books begins with the Bible. Character is formed by overcoming adversity and resisting temptation, as we grow to spiritual maturity transformed by the knowledge of the Truth that sets us Free. The 19th-century Unitarians and Universalists who practiced Self-Culture would have agreed with all of this. But they also looked for inspiration beyond just the Christian tradition, to the scriptures and sacred writings of the world’s other great faith traditions, such as the passage I read earlier this morning to open our service from the Tao Te Ching:

Cultivated in the individual,
Character will become genuine;
Cultivated in the family,
Character will become abundant;
Cultivated in the village,
Character will multiply;
Cultivated in the state,
Character will prosper;
Cultivated in the world,
Character will become universal.


And just as frequently, they looked within themselves, and created their own Scripture from the Law they found there written upon their hearts. Here’s one of my favorites: a brief credo written by the Reverend William Henry Channing (nephew of the much more well-known William Ellery Channing), which he titled simply “My Symphony:”

To live content with small means;
To seek elegance rather than luxury, and refinement rather than fashion;
To be worthy, not respectable, and wealthy, not rich;
To study hard, think quietly, talk gently, act frankly;
To listen to stars and birds, to babes and sages, with open heart;
To bear all cheerfully, do all bravely, await occasions, hurry never;
To let the spiritual, unbidden and unconscious, grow up through the common.
This is to be my symphony.


And writing at roughly the same time, the then much-less-renown Henry David Thoreau composed these two lines of verse: “My Life has been the poem I would have writ/But I could not both live and utter it.”

[extemporaneous conclusion]

The Politics of Spectacle and Distraction

27 September 2008 at 13:22
Last month I blogged on this site comparing Sarah Paliln's selection as the Republican Vice Presidential candidate to the Harriet Meiers nomination to the Supreme Court, and suggested that within the week the Alaskan Hockey Mom would gracefully withdraw from the ticket, having done her job of confusing an ever-more fickle electorate and distracting attention from the real issues in these critical last few weeks before voters finally go to the polls. LINK to Original Post here (be sure to scroll down through the comments).

Now here comes the Other Shoe. Palin is clearly failin' Big Time -- she's not only out of her league, she's WAY out of her league -- even her own party can see it, it makes me a little sad even to have to witness it; and IF she remains on the ticket, and IF the Republicans should somehow manage to win in November, it is almost a CERTAINTY that Sarah Palin will at some point become the POTUS -- which would make our country more FUBAR than I even dare to imagine.

So maybe it's my turn now to do a little praying. God help us. God help us. God help us. God help us....

Where DO we come from?

25 September 2008 at 13:45


[This is a cross-post of a comment I left on David G. Markahm's CHALICEFIRE site.] I've been enjoying his morning meditations more and more as I've shared them during my own morning circuit through the internet. Today's was especially comforting and familiar, especially since it resonates so well with Gauguin's "D'où venons nous? Que sommes-nous? Où allons-nous?" (and the round in our hymnal inspired by it, which has been running through my head now since last Saturday's retreat).

I've always felt inspired by Carl Sagan's insight in the last episode/chapter of Cosmos that we are the part of the Universe that is becoming conscious of itself. Or Annie Dillard's observation (also in the hymnal) that we are here so that Creation need not play to an empty house. So even if our birth is nothing more than beating very long odds in a cosmic lottery, our "purpose" is defined for us right from the start -- to MAKE that meaning, (or at least to find some) and thus contribute to the self-awareness of the Universe as a whole.

As to where we go, I can tell you with some certainty where the carbon, oxygen, hydrogen and nitrogen that make up most of my physical body will go -- right back into the dust from which it came. As for the rest of "me" (however one chooses to define that) will continue to linger around for a time in the legacy I leave for others -- the good I've done, those I've loved, whatever insights I may have had and shared along the way. And it's enough. More than enough, when you stop to be grateful for just how lucky we all are to get here in the first place....

An Hour a Week & a room full of books....

22 September 2008 at 07:14
I'm laughing a little at myself about this past week, 'cause this "quarter-time" light duty is gonna be the death of me! I don't know that I ever really believed it, but I think on some level I WANTED to believe that old, naive stereotype that preachers really only had to work "an hour a week" (Sunday Mornings), and the rest of our time was ours to spend as we wished: visiting the members of our congregation ("our people," as our 19th century forebearers called them -- and generally some of the most interesting people on the planet at that); or working in the community for justice and reform (one can ALWAYS find something to engage one's passions there); or (my personal favorite) cloistered away in one's extensive private library studying the Scriptures and engaged in the contemplative intellectual discipleship for which the Unitarian ministry in particular has historically been so well known.

And now all of a sudden I have this opportunity -- the means and the motive as well -- and for some inexplicable just can't seem to pull the trigger. The books are just sitting there waiting for me. My insurance company is paying my salary; I have two fantastic colleagues on a "Ministerial Support Team" poised to take over all of that "day to day" mundane ministerial administrivia (as well as the more important Pastoral Care and Counseling duties), and yet I can't seem to keep myself from sticking my nose into things - Tuesday staff meeting, Wednesday Men's Luncheon, Thursday Trustees meeting, a day-long leadership retreat Saturday. And honestly now? Which of those things could I really afford to "blow off?" Truth be told, there is really no such thing as a part-time ministry, much less a part-time MInister. I am what I am wherever I go, and I don't stop "being" the minister simply because I can't "do" as much as I'm accustomed to doing (much less all that needs to be done - which quite frankly none of us could ever hope to do anyway).

I suspect that "old school" clergy (who essentially "grew up" in the profession) have always known and understood this in ways that subsequent generations of "mature," second-career seminarians will never fully or truly understand. But maybe that's not fair either. The whole world has changed, and a changing ministry only reflects those changes. In the rubric of the global information economy, clergy are characterized as "content providers" first, while the esoteric duties of serving as the spiritual leaders of faith communities simply don't fit easily into the more fungible "middle management" job classifications employment economists are comfortable with. If "ministry" were merely institutional administration, then any middle-aged middle-manager could easily step into the job without missing a step or skipping a beat. But in many ways, my present illness represents an opportunity for me to explore the exact opposite tack. How much of that other can be stripped away in order to allow me the liberty of pursuing the most important element of ministry of all: following the pathway that will lead me closer to God, and leading others along that same path as well, in ways that are honest and authentic and faithful and true?

Well, that's enough of that for now. My duties last Sunday were limited to welcoming folks to church and leading the Moment for All Ages. Not entirely light duty, but not exactly heavy lifting either....

Flaming Chalice Images

22 September 2008 at 00:34

My job during the worship service this morning was to lead our "Moment for All Ages," during which each Sunday School class was presented with a new ceramic "Flaming Chalice" commissioned from a local artist. This seemed like a great opportunity both to talk a little bit about the symbolism of the Chalice, as well as share some of the history behind it. With all of the various forms and examples this symbol of our movement has taken on over the years, I'm still a sucker for this "classic" version: the off-center stylized cross with flame, bounded by two circles. The flame represents the dynamic spirit of our community, as well as the element of Fire; the chalice itself the element of Earth, and the historical traditions and institutions which ground our community and contain it in the here and now. The two circles represent the Unitarian and Universalist traditions, as well as the Arc of the Heavens and the Great Circle of the Horizon, and more specifically the remaining two elements of Air and Water respectively.


This new Chalice design, introduced just within the last few years as the official logo of the UUA, is supposed to give the symbol a little more "pop" than the earlier version, because of its simplified designs and sunburst motif. Sorry -- call me anachronistic, but I'm still a sucker for the older one.


The flaming chalice was originally commissioned by the Unitarian Service Committee during the Second World War, to assist them in their work of resettling refugees out of Nazi-occupied Europe. The Czech artist Hans Deutsch is said to have taken his inspiration from the martyrdom of the Bohemian Heretic Jan Hus, who was burned at the stake in 1415. This particular version of the flaming chalice has been the logo of the UUSC for as long as I can remember, and is one of the most familiar flaming chalice icons.

What organization do you suppose this chalice on a red maple leaf represents?

[The Canadian Unitarian Council]

I like this one -- it reminds me of a dancing person....


This Yin and Yang is also very nice.


The chalice incorporated into a peace sign...

From the UK -- Freedom, Reason, and Tolerance are indeed core values of our movement


A pink-triangle, rainbow theme chalice



Another clever chalice designed by Peter Bowden (the creator of "Alice the Chalice")





This is actually a photograph of a wrought iron chalice similar to the one used at General Assembly (or perhaps even the self-same item), and hanging on the wall behind it is a banner which, when photographed from this angle, creates the impression of an actual flame. Clever AND impressive....



A stained-glass window with a world religions theme similar to the decorations behind the pulpit at First Parish

A cake....



Or if that's too much, cookies....(You can actually purchase these cookie cutters HERE)



Two bumper stickers. One from the Church of the Larger Fellowship




And another from the UUCF. Notice how the helping hands have been added into the overall design?




The Original Hans Deutsch design


How Racism Works.

17 September 2008 at 19:47
A former parishioner of mine just e-mailed these to me, and I found them so telling I've decided to spread them around as much as I can. Hope all y'all will do the same!

How racism works:

1. What if John McCain were a former president of the Harvard Law Review?
2. What if Barack Obama finished fifth from the bottom of his graduating class?
3. What if McCain were still married to the first woman he said "I do" to?
4. What if Obama were the candidate who left his first wife after she no longer measured up to his standards?

1. What if Michelle Obama were a wife who not only became addicted to pain killers, but acquired them illegally through her charitable organization?
2. What if Cindy McCain graduated from Harvard?
3. What if Obama were a member of the "Keating 5"?
4. What if McCain were a charismatic, eloquent speaker?

If these questions reflected reality, do you really believe the election numbers would be as close as they are? This is what racism does. It covers up, rationalizes and minimizes positive qualities in one candidate and emphasizes negative qualities in another when there is a color difference.

Mary M. Gaylord
Sosland Family Professor of Romance Languages and
Literatures
Director of Undergraduate Studies
Undergraduate Adviser for Romance Studies
424 Boylston Hall, Harvard Yard
Cambridge MA 02138
Ph: 617-496-6027; Fax: 617-496-4682
--
Jane R. Dickie
Professor of Psychology and Women's Studies.
Hope College.
Holland, MI 49423

Six Long Months

16 September 2008 at 14:02
...but who's counting? It had been six long months since I last climbed the stairs into the high pulpit at First Parish and preached on Easter Sunday, March 23rd 2008. And there have been times when I have worried that maybe that was it...that I had actually preached the final sermon of my career, and would never feel healthy enough to return to the pulpit again.

Of course, it's not as if I haven't been to church since then many times. I was formally installed here last Mother's Day (as well has helping to dedicate a child at the regular morning service that same day): have prayed and participated in the candlesharing several times (not to mention taking up the offering!) over the summer: and even delivered a brief homily from the lectern a week ago as part of our Ingathering Water Ceremony.

But this past Sunday I finally had the opportunity to conduct the entire service from Invocation to Benediction, with a little gracious assistance from members of both the lay and ministerial support teams that have rallied together around me during this time. And yes, with my arm around his shoulder and his arm around my back, I was able to climb the five stairs into the high pulpit with the assistance of a choir member, and delivered this message on "Progress, Not Perfection" which I think came off pretty well. Sat on a barstool to do the actual preaching, which worked out very nicely (even if I did have to borrow one, since the stool I ordered on-line a month ago STILL hasn't arrived) and gave me a much fuller voice than I have when speaking from my wheelchair. Biggest surprise came when I went to put on my clean white shirt, and discovered that my neck size had grown FOUR INCHES over the summer! (I'm blaming it on the steroids...)

Shook about a million hands too -- at the front door as people were arriving, at the side door as people exited the Meetinghouse for the Parish House (and coffee hour), and of course before and after every time I spoke to someone individually as well. When cold and flu season arrive, I will feel like a potential germ vector of epidemic order; although, ironically, it was the desire to receive my first ever flu-shot, and the need for me to find a new Primary Care Physician here in Portland, that lead to my original diagnosis in the first place.

And then finally, Monday, an honest-to-God day off. Used it mostly to run errands with my Dad (including shopping for a new white Oxford button-down dress shirt), but it was worth it...and I'm sure I'll get better at taking time off as time goes by. For most of my career I've been pretty "Old School" about these things -- never really scheduled a regular day off (because, after all, when do I stop "being" a minister?), and was almost always in the office Mondays just because it is such an important day for catching up and getting launched for the week to come. And likewise, no matter how early in the week I try to get started, I've always been a Saturday evening (morning, noon...) writer as well -- who would ever DREAM of inviting guests to their home for a special Sunday Dinner and serving them a warmed-over meal you'd prepared last Thursday?

But this year I'm finally going to figure out both those "issues" a little better. Especially if I can take this business about "light duty" to heart, and keep it down to one day in the office, a couple of afternoons in my private study at the Eastland, and only preaching every other Sunday. The meetings and phone calls and e-mails will always be with me, I think, but this might also be a good time to get disciplined about actually writing those all-important paper thank you notes which so easily disappear in the static of our wired society. And attending to some of those other "higher order" disciplines which drew me to this vocation in the first place, and which feed the soul in the same way that healthy food feeds the body.

And then finally, Monday night I met up at Bingas with a parishioner of mine, her husband, and her departing-tomorrow-for-college son for my now-habitual Trivia Night. Janet had been bedeviling me about this all summer long, and last night we were finally able to make all of our schedules work. Won't try to repeat the blow-by-blow details here...played under the name "Aboriginal Kegheads" (in honor of Dartmouth College, the destination of the college-bound son), and let's just say that we ate a lot of things we probably shouldn't have (and enjoyed them tremendously); beat our closest competitors by 30 points; and there's talk of limiting the number of UUs who can play on the same team, just to make it fair for all the others. OK, not really...I mean, other than around our little table. Still, it always feels good to feel like a winner, and to be able to share that experience with others. Even if it is something as "trivial" as recognizing the 19th century Manhattan street address of Brooks Brothers....

PROGRESS, NOT PERFECTION

14 September 2008 at 20:06
a sermon preached by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the First Parish Church in Portland, Maine
Sunday September 14th, 2008

INVOCATION: Matthew 5: 43-48

43 Ye have heard that it hath been said, Thou shalt love thy neighbour, and hate thine enemy. 44 But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; 45 That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. 46 For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same? 47 And if ye salute your brethren only, what do ye more than others? do not even the publicans so? 48 Be ye therefore perfect, even as your Father which is in heaven is perfect.


***
[Extemporaneous Introduction] -- I just want to reassure everyone that that didn’t hurt nearly as much as it probably looked, but it still hurt a whole more than I would have liked. And I’ve been telling myself all this past week that once people had seen me climb those stairs, it wouldn’t really matter much what I had to say -- I would have made my point, and all that will be left would be to share a few folksy illustrations. Which is probably a good thing, since I think I left my manuscript down there on the table! (no, no -- I’m just kidding! )

But now that I’m up here and getting settled in, I thought I’d also draw your attention for a moment to the patch here in the ceiling to your left. Awhile back, we had leak in the slate roof which covers the Meetinghouse, which resulted in water getting down into the plaster and causing it to collapse. It’s one of those unexpected things that no one really thinks will ever happen to them, until it does happen -- and last spring the Trustees generously offered to juggle some funds around in order to have it repaired before my formal installation....

So I thought about it for awhile, and I asked them to wait. I thought it might be a good idea instead to leave the patch in place for awhile, as a visible, tangible sign, a little like the intentional flaw that is woven into every Navajo rug -- something that we might look at every week, that would remind us that despite our proud heritage and all of the history and traditions that are associated with this congregation, and the important role we have played for centuries here on the Peninsula and in the larger Portland community; and notwithstanding all of our many strengths and resources (not the least of which is all of you), we’re still not “there” yet, and we’re probably not going to be “there” any time soon.

We ARE going to repair the roof, by the way, so that it doesn’t leak again. But at the same time, I think it’s important for us to remind ourselves from time to time that in spite of all the wonderful things that DO happen here, First Parish still isn’t Perfect, not by a long ways. We also have our flaws and our shortcomings; we have many, MANY things we aspire to that are still beyond our grasp. And this will doubtlessly still be true no matter how much progress we may make toward achieving the ambitious goals we set for ourselves each year.

I also want to say just a word specifically about the title of today’s sermon. This motto, “Progress, not Perfection” was something one of my oncology nurses wrote on the white board in my room on my first day as a patient at the Gibson Center, so I basically looked out at it and reflected on it several times a day, every day, for more than a month. And in that time, I came to appreciate the wisdom of this motto in ways that are often difficult to articulate. In a very real sense, I’ve ended up trying to live this motto for the past six months, and whatever progress I’ve been able to make in that time has been grounded in the understanding that it’s NOT going to be perfect again right away...but that those little baby steps add up over time, provided one keeps on moving in the right direction.

This certainly wasn’t the first time I’d been exposed to this concept, although it is probably the most intense. And there’s even a French proverb from Voltaire's Dictionnaire Philosophique that expresses almost the exact same sentiment: "Le mieux est l'ennemi du bien." A literal translation would be "The best is the enemy of good," but we might also take advantage of the vast lexicon of twenty-five cent words available to us in the English language and translate it a little more loosely as "Perfection is the Antagonist of Excellence." Or “opponent” or “adversary” or even “enemy” if your prefer... the meaning is still clear, and sometimes it cuts both ways.

Before my illness, the last time I really had to wrestle with this idea, at least in a serious way, was when I was writing my doctoral dissertation, and coming to grips with the realization that I was never going to write the PERFECT dissertation I had imagined myself writing when I had first started out, but that the BEST dissertation I could write under the circumstances (as my faculty advisor kept reminding me) was the one that could be approved if only I would turn it in.

But this was also one of those situations where the proverb was also working in the opposite direction: where “good enough” becomes the enemy of one’s own best work. Why should any of us be willing to settle for anything LESS than perfection, or at the very least the very best of which we are capable in the moment? Isn’t that kind of what the Scripture is calling us to do, when it tells us “Be ye therefore perfect, even as your father which is in heaven is perfect?”

I’m pretty certain that just about everyone here today has struggled with these same issues in your own lives, on some level or another. When does our desire for perfection get in the way of our doing the best work we are capable of doing RIGHT NOW? When does Pride become a sin rather than an incentive to improve? How do the virtues of humility and forgiveness help us to accept not only the flaws and shortcomings of others, but our own as well?

I think it’s in this context that we need to take a little closer look at that word, “perfection,” just so that we might have a little better grasp on what it does and does not mean. One of the most common connotations of the word, for example, is “flawless.” Something is “perfect” when there is absolutely nothing wrong about it, and absolutely nothing that can be improved about it either. It’s complete; it’s “perfect.”

And yet in many ways this narrow view of perfection actually limits our understanding and can be improved upon a great deal. Short of our imaginations, where do we find ANYTHING in this world that is truly “flawless?” Or at least that cannot somehow be improved? In fact, the Greek word teleios (which we translate as “perfect”) has exactly this opposite connotation: it refers to something which is mature and therefore fulfilled, because it has reached fruition (and thus its “perfection”) only at the end of a long process of growth and maturity.

In much this same vein, the philosopher Socrates knew that he knew nothing, and that this knowledge alone made him the wisest man in Athens. Awareness of one’s own ignorance is a very precious knowledge indeed, which is no doubt why Socrates himself was also so committed to the principle “Know thyself.” And in the passage I read a moment ago from the writings of James Freeman Clarke, this notion of “perfection” becomes transmuted into an idea of Progress, or “the Continuity of Human Development” onward and upward forever.

Clarke went on to write:

The divine word, revealed in creation, embodied in Christ, immanent in the human soul, is a fuller fountain than has been believed. No creed can exhaust its meaning, no metaphysics can measure its possibility. The teaching of Jesus is not something to be outgrown; for it is not a definite system, but an ever unfolding principle. It is a germ of growth, and therefore has no finality in any of its past forms. "Of its fulness," says John, " we have all received, and grace added to grace." The Apostle Paul regarded his own knowledge of Christianity as imperfect and partial. "We know in part," said he, "and we teach in part." Christianity in the past has always had a childlike faith, which was beautiful and true. But its knowledge has also been that of a child. It has spoken as a child, it has understood as a child, it has thought as a child. This was all well while it was a child. The prattle of an infant is sweet, but in a youth or [an adult] it is an anachronism. Let us have a childlike faith, but a [mature] intelligence.... Let us endeavor to see God and nature face to face, confident that whoever is honestly seeking the truth, though [they] may err for a time, can never go wholly wrong.

Perhaps the hardest lesson I have EVER had to learn is very closely related to this insight...and it was something that I had to do wrong dozens, if not hundreds of times, before I finally figured out that “Success” is generally something that one discovers atop a heaping MOUNTAIN of Failure, and that you simply HAVE to do it wrong a few times before you are finally going to get it right.

How does the saying go? -- “Anything worth doing is worth doing badly.” Because unless you are willing to take the risk of failure -- of doing something less than perfectly in order to make progress to toward your goal -- you are never going to move forward at all. Perfection is merely the target on the horizon. Excellence is the Objective, and the real Goal is simply Progress -- to do it a little bit better today than you did the day before.

I can still remember how it felt a year ago now to climb into this high pulpit for the FIRST time as your regularly called and settled minister, and all of the emotions of hope and expectation that were here in this room that day as we began together a new ministry here at First Parish: a ministry both to one another, and to the larger community in which we dwell. Of course, things were a little different that day too. (I recall, for instance, that there was a huge gaping hole in the ceiling over here where the plaster had gotten wet and fallen in...) and also how impressed I was with the banners that are still hanging here along the gallery: “Open the Windows + the Doors” “And Receive Whosoever is Sent.”

This still is the mission of this church, you know. It’s a place where we come to make our own lives better, and to help out others it times of crisis or challenge, to greet both neighbors and strangers alike, and to slowly improve the world where we live, often one human soul at a time. And at the time I observed that: “This Meeting House is indeed a sacred place, a safe and welcoming ‘sanctuary’ in the heart of this city, which we make Holy through our presence here, and by filling it with our warmth, and our love for one another, our hospitality to strangers, and our devotion and commitment to the values and principles of our shared Unitarian and Universalist faith traditions. We come from many different places, we travel many different paths. But in this place, we mingle our lives together like the waters of many rivers flowing to the ocean, perhaps in time rising as fog, falling as rain, even freezing as ice, but always, always flowing back once more into the sea from whence we all have come.”

So was it then; and so may it be again today....

***
READING: “The Five points of Calvinism and the Five Points of the New Theology” from Vexed Questions in Theology by James Freeman Clarke (Boston: 1886) [LINK to complete text of Clarke's essay]

The fifth point of doctrine in the new theology will, as I believe, be the Continuity of Human Development in all worlds, or the Progress of Mankind onward and upward forever.

Progress is the outward heaven, corresponding to the inward heaven of character. The hope of progress is one of the chief motives to action. Men [and women] are contented, not matter how poor their lot, so long as they can hope for something better. And...[they] are discontented, no matter how fortunate their condition, when they have nothing more to look forward to. The greatest sufferer who hopes may have nothing, but ...possesses all things; the most prosperous soul who is deprived of hope may have all things, but...possesses nothing....

If hope abides, there is always something to look forward to, -- some higher attainment, some larger usefulness, some nearer communion with God. And this accords with all we see and know: with the long processes of geologic development by which the earth became fitted to be the home of [human beings]; with the slow ascent of organized beings from humbler to fuller life; with the progress of society from age to age; with the gradual diffusion of knowledge, advancement of civilization, growth of free institutions, and ever higher conceptions of God and of religious truth. The one fact which is written on nature and human life is the fact of progress, and this must be accepted as the purpose of the Creator....

This Just In

13 September 2008 at 17:17
Just a quick interruption in the middle of my own sermon preparation to point folks to this article in today's Portland Press Herald about my "return" to the pulpit tomorrow.

By last week's "dry run" I assume he means that I had two other ministers and four lay readers to assist me in that service, and only preached a brief homily from the lectern in advance of our Annual Ingathering Water Ceremony.

But tomorrow I'm planning to take the entire service from soup to nuts...the initial ingathering liturgy, the children's story and adult candlesharing, plus the preaching itself (from the high pulpit, if I can manage it!) and the concluding benediction.

My topic is "Progress, Not Perfection."

If you're here in town, I'd love to see you in church!

And if you can't make it to church, you can always read it on-line at my sermon blog: The Eclectic Cleric FPC.

Onward and Upward Forever

12 September 2008 at 21:47
There's been quite a lively discussion lately both here in the blogosphere and also on the various UUA CHAT-lists to which I subscribe about the new Commission on Appraisal's proposed revisions to our current statement of Principles, Purposes and Sources. I don't have much to add (or at least not much that I CARE to add) to the discussion there, but I do think it might be fun to glance back at the "original source material" for what, historically at least, has been both our most popular and most parodied statement of "Things Most Commonly Believed Among Us To-Day."

[For those of you unfamiliar with Five Point Calvinism, it might help to remember the acronym TULIP: Total Depravity, Unconditional Election, Limited Atonement, Irresistable Grace, and Predestination. In other words, there is not a healthy bone in our bodies, but God for reasons known only to Himself has chosen to redeem a few of us from eternal damnation. But it is ONLY a few, and even if we would rather NOT be saved we're going to heaven anyway. Furthermore, it was all decided for us since before the beginning of time, so stop fretting so much about Faith and Works and the moral consequences of your actions, or whether or not you have Free Will, and get out there and earn a little more money for the greater glory of God, fer crissakes!...]


***
"The Five Points of Calvinism and the Five Points of the New Theology" from Vexed Questions in Theology by James Freeman Clarke (Boston: 1886)


“And thou shalt make . . . five pillars, and overlay them with gold, . . . and shalt cast five sockets of brass for them." — Exodus xxiv., 37.

THE number five has acquired as great significance in theology as it has in nature. The largest family of plants is that of which the flowers have five petals; and the most popular theology of modern times is that of Calvin with its five points of doctrine, which relate to Absolute Decrees, Atonement by Christ for the Elect only, Original Sin, Effectual Calling, and the Perseverance of Saints.

Such have been the main and essential doctrines of Orthodoxy in the past. These doctrines have revolved around the ideas of sin and salvation. The creeds are as remarkable for what they omit as for what they assert. They scarcely allude to those truths which Jesus makes the chief burden of his teaching, — love to God, love to man, forgiveness of enemies, purity of heart and life, faith, hope, peace, resignation, temperance, and goodness. It is certain that the theology of the future will dwell on something else than the five points of Calvinism, and I have thought it well to consider the counterparts of this ancient system in five points of the coming theology. Let us endeavor to see what they will be.

I. I believe the first point of doctrine in the theology of the future will be the Fatherhood of God.

The essence of this is the love of the father for his children. Fatherly love is a wise love, a firm love, and a pure love, which seeks the best good of the child. Thus this idea of fatherhood includes that of the holiness, the truthfulness, and the justice of God, — in a word, all the divine attributes. The justice of God as a father is not, as in the old theology, an abstract justice, which has no regard to consequences. God's justice is only another form of mercy. It is the wise law which brings good to the universe, and is a blessing to every creature.

Jesus has everywhere emphasized this truth, that God is a father. We find it pervading the Gospels and coloring all his teaching. We find it already in the Sermon on the Mount, which tells us that we are to let our light shine, not to glorify ourselves, but to glorify our Father in heaven; that we are to love our enemies, that we may be like our heavenly Father, who loves his enemies, and makes his sun rise on the evil and the good. Jesus tells us that, when we pray, we are to pray to our Father, not to infinite power or abstract justice or far-off sovereignty. We are to forgive others, because our Father in heaven forgives us. We are not to be anxious, remembering that our heavenly Father feeds the little birds of the air. We are to pray, confident that our heavenly Father will give good things to those who ask him. Thus, this idea of God pervades the earliest as it filled the latest teachings of Jesus.

This idea of the divine fatherhood goes down so deep into the human heart that it becomes the source of a childlike obedience, trust, submission, patience, hope, and love. It brings consolation to us in our trials, gives us earnestness in prayer, makes it less difficult to repent when we have done wrong. We look up out of our sin and weakness and sorrow, not to an implacable law, not to an abstract king, but to an infinite and inexhaustible tenderness. Thus, this doctrine is the source of the purest piety.

2. The second point of doctrine in the new theology will be, I think, the Brotherhood of Man.

If men are children of the same father, then they are all brethren. If God loves them all, they must all have in them something lovable. If he has brought them here by his providence, they are here for some important end. Therefore, we must call no man common or unclean, look down upon none, despise none, but respect in all that essential goodness which God has put into the soul, and which he means to be at last unfolded into perfection.

As from the idea of the fatherhood of God will come all the pieties, so from that of the brotherhood of man will proceed all the charities. This doctrine is already the source of missions, philanthropies, reforms, and all efforts to seek and save those who are surrounded by evil. It leads men to feed the hungry and clothe the naked, to teach the blind, to soothe the madness of delirium, to diffuse knowledge, and carry glad tidings to the poor. And this doctrine, when fully believed, will be the source of purer moralities and nobler charities.

This truth, also, Jesus has taught by his words and his life. He went about doing good, feeding the hungry, making the blind to see, the deaf to hear, the lame to walk, cleansing the leper, preaching the gospel to the poor. He was the friend of publicans and sinners, of the Roman centurion, the woman of Phoenicia, the woman of Samaria. He was the friend and helper of all who needed him. In the story of the Good Samaritan, he taught that all men are brethren. And his last recorded words were the command to preach the gospel to every creature.

3. The third point of doctrine in the new theology will be, as I think, the Leadership of Jesus.

The simplest definition of a Christian is one who follows Christ. This was his own definition: "My sheep hear my voice, and follow me." "I am the way and the truth and the life." "Come to me, all ye who labor and are heavy laden." When Mary sat at the feet of Jesus, and heard his words, he said that she had chosen the good part, and had done the one thing needful.

A Platonist is one who studies the teachings of Plato, and takes him for his teacher and guide in philosophy. A Swedenborgian is one who studies the teachings of Swedenborg, and takes him for his guide in theology. A Christian is one who takes Jesus as his guide in religion, and who goes directly to his teachings for religious truth.

But hitherto, instead of considering those as Christians who have studied the words of Jesus, and sought to know the truth, the name has usually been given to those who accepted some opinion about him. Not what he himself teaches, but what the Church says he teaches, has been made the test of Christian fellowship. Men have been told to go to Jesus, but on the understanding that they shall learn from him only the same thing which the Church has already learned. Instead of sending us to the teacher himself, we are sent to our fellow-students. We, therefore, in reality take them, and not Jesus, for our leader.

The Athanasian Creed asserts as unquestioned verities certain metaphysical statements in regard to the nature of the Deity and the relations which existed between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit before the creation. These speculations are read four times a year in the Church of England, and the people are told that those who do not believe these superhuman mysteries shall without doubt perish everlastingly. Is it not evident that the Church, in doing this, takes the unknown author of the creed as its leader and teacher instead of taking Christ himself? All human creeds which are made the tests of what Christ taught are in reality put in his place. Compared with his teaching, they are all narrow and unspiritual. They emphasize some purely intellectual statements which chanced to be popular when they were written. The makers of these creeds tell us to call Jesus teacher, but to learn from themselves what he teaches. They show thus that they dare not trust us to go to him; and they show that they have no real faith in him as the Way, the Truth, and the Life.

Of course there is no harm in a creed, when it merely states what a man believes at the present time or what any number of men believe at any particular period. The harm comes from making the creed a perpetual standard of belief, a test of Christian character, and a condition of Christian fellowship. Such creeds, instead of uniting the Church, have divided it into endless sects and parties. Let men take Jesus himself as their leader and teacher, and the Church will be again one. Then Christians will come into communion not only with the mind, but also with the heart of the Master. When the whole Church is like Mary sitting at the foot of Jesus and hearing his words, it will be more full of his spirit. Bigotry and sectarianism, which have cursed Christianity, will disappear, and be replaced by the large generosity and ample charity of Jesus himself. We shall then, according to his striking Oriental image, eat his flesh and drink his blood. Instead of merely accepting propositions about him, we shall assimilate his character and feed on it in the depths of our heart. Then will lie fulfilled his saying: "My sheep hear my voice, and follow me. I know my sheep, and am known of mine."

4. The fourth point of the new theology will be Salvation by Character.

Salvation means the highest peace and joy of which the soul is capable. It means heaven here and heaven hereafter. This salvation has been explained as something outside of us, — some outward gift, some outward condition, place, or circumstance. We speak of going to heaven, as if we could be made happy solely by being put in a happy place. But the true heaven, the only heaven which Jesus knew, is a state of the soul. It is inward goodness. It is Christ found within. It is the love of God in the heart, going out into the life and character. The first words which Jesus spoke indicated this belief. The poor in spirit already possess the kingdom of heaven. The pure in heart already see God. "This is life eternal, to know thee, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom thou hast sent." He who has the faith which Jesus possessed has eternal life abiding in him. The water that Jesus gives becomes a spring of water within the soul, "springing up into everlasting life." Do not look for a distant heaven, saying, " Lo! here," or " Lo! there;" " for the kingdom of heaven is now with you." When we come to study the words of Jesus as we study human theologies, we shall find that he identifies goodness with heaven, and makes character the essence of salvation. As long as men believe that heaven is something outward, to be attained by an act of profession or belief, they, will be apt to postpone such preparation as long as possible. But when we apprehend the inflexible law of consequences, and know that as a man soweth so shall he reap; when we see that spiritual tastes and habits are not to be formed in an hour; and that all formal professions, prayers, and sacraments avail nothing, unless the heart is pure, the soul upright, and the life one of integrity, — then a new motive will be added to increase the goodness of the world. Then the formation of character will be the fruit of Christian faith to an extent never before realized.

5. The fifth point of doctrine in the new theology will, as I believe, be the Continuity of Human Development in all worlds, or the Progress of Mankind onward and upward forever.

Progress is the outward heaven, corresponding to the inward heaven of character. The hope of progress is one of the chief motives to action. Men are contented, no matter how poor their lot, so long as they can hope for something better. And men are discontented, no matter how fortunate their condition, when they have nothing more to look forward to. The greatest sufferer who hopes may have nothing, but he possesses all things: the most prosperous man who is deprived of hope may have all things, but he possesses nothing.

The old theology laid no stress on progress here or progress hereafter. The essential thing was conversion: that moment passed, the object of life was attained. A man converted on his death-bed, after a life of sin, was as well prepared for heaven as he who had led a Christian life during long years. And there was no hint given of farther progress after heaven should be reached. Eternity was to be passed in perpetual thanksgiving or in perpetual enjoyment of the joys of paradise. Such, however, was not the teaching of Jesus. The servant, in the parable, who earned two pounds, was made ruler over two cities : he who earned five pounds had the care of five cities. And the Apostle Paul tells us that one of the things which abide is hope. If hope abides, there is always something to look forward to, — some higher attainment, some larger usefulness, some nearer communion with God. And this accords with all we see and know: with the long processes of geologic development by which the earth became fitted to be the home of man ; with the slow ascent of organized beings from humbler to fuller life; with the progress of society from age to age; with the gradual diffusion of knowledge, advancement of civilization, growth of free institutions, and ever higher conceptions of God and of religious truth. The one fact which is written on nature and human life is the fact of progress, and this must be accepted as the purpose of the Creator.

Some such views as these may constitute the theology of the future. This, at least, we see, — that many of the most important elements in the teaching of Jesus have had no place, or a very inferior place, in the teachings of the Church in past times. As the good Robinson foretold, "more light is to break out from the Word of God." The divine word, revealed in creation, embodied in Christ, immanent in the human soul, is a fuller fountain than has been believed. No creed can exhaust its meaning, no metaphysics can measure its possibility. The teaching of Jesus is not something to be outgrown; for it is not a definite system, but an ever unfolding principle. It is a germ of growth, and therefore has no finality in any of its past forms. "Of its fulness," says John, "we have all received, and grace added to grace." The Apostle Paul regarded his own knowledge of Christianity as imperfect and partial. "We know in part," said he, "and we teach in part." Christianity in the past has always had a childlike faith, which was beautiful and true. But its knowledge has also been that of a child. It has spoken as a child, it has understood as a child, it has thought as a child. This was all well while it was a child. The prattle of an infant is sweet, but in a youth or man it is an anachronism. Let us have a childlike faith, but a manly intelligence. "In malice be children, but in understanding be men." Let us endeavor to see God and nature face to face, confident that whoever is honestly seeking the truth, though he may err for a time, can never go wholly wrong.

9/11 +7

11 September 2008 at 13:43
***
Lest We Forget....a cross-post from my other blog, The Eclectic Cleric, linking to sermons I preached on Nantucket seven years ago.

"A Mind-Numbing Act of Senseless Violence"

a sermon preached by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the Second Congregational Meeting House
on Nantucket Island, Sunday September 16, 2001

If you found this engaging, I continued in this same theme for the remainder of the month of September.

September 23, 2001
September 30, 2001

9/11 +7

11 September 2008 at 13:28
Lest We Forget....

"A Mind-Numbing Act of Senseless Violence"

a sermon preached by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the Second Congregational Meeting House
on Nantucket Island, Sunday September 16, 2001


If you found this engaging, I continued in this same theme for the remainder of the month of September.

September 23, 2001
September 30, 2001

"An alert and knowledgeable citizenry..."

10 September 2008 at 23:56
This was Ike's (the President, not the hurricane) prescription against the triumph of the Military Industrial Complex, and the domination of our cherished free and democratic institutions by the forces of corporate greed, fear-mongering, and unregulated triumphalist capitalism. And I just wish I'd had the good sense to save the clip of his farewell address from YouTube (where I saw it), so that I could embed it here. Because it was amazing to me: both just how prescient and prophetic Eisenhower's observations have turned out to be, and also how different our society is today from what it was half a century ago.

The Civil Rights Movement. The "Summer of Love." Vietnam/Watergate. Feminism. Stonewall. Earth Day. Pat Robertson, the Moral Majority, and the Rise of the Religious Right. "Voodoo Economics" and the Reagan Revolution. AIDS. The Fall of the Berlin Wall and the End of the Cold War. The End of History and the Clash of Civilizations. Global Climate Change. Oh, and lets not forget about the information technology that has driven so much of the acceleration of our culture: computers, cell phones, the Internet. Or our global addiction to fossil fuels, and the politics of oil which have replaced Communism as the number one perceived threat to our national security.

And yet, rather than an alert and knowledgeable citizenry, we seem to have opted for bread and circuses...or at least cheap fast food and "reality" TV. We complain about the price of gasoline (when it's probably HALF of what it ought to be...), and watch with fascinated horror as the longest and most expensive Presidential Election in history enters its last 60 days, and suddenly becomes Reality TV writ large. Where's Jerry Springer when you need him? As the former Democratic mayor of Cincinati, he certainly should understand what's high in the middle and round on both ends. An election that seemed impossible for the Democrats to lose now looks more and more like a Republican shell game, all coming down to a final roll of the dice in the too-close-to-call crap shoot at the end. It's no longer about issues or policy. It's all just about holding on to power for another four years. If you can only confuse the electorate for another eight weeks.

At least Camille Paglia claims to have a handle on it all...

But what of Palin's pro-life stand? Creationism taught in schools? Book banning? Gay conversions? The Iraq war as God's plan? Zionism as a prelude to the apocalypse? We'll see how these big issues shake out. Right now, I don't believe much of what I read or hear about Palin in the media. To automatically assume that she is a religious fanatic who has embraced the most extreme ideas of her local church is exactly the kind of careless reasoning that has been unjustly applied to Barack Obama, whom the right wing is still trying to tar with the fulminating anti-American sermons of his longtime preacher, Jeremiah Wright.

The witch-trial hysteria of the past two incendiary weeks unfortunately reveals a disturbing trend in the Democratic Party, which has worsened over the past decade. Democrats are quick to attack the religiosity of Republicans, but Democratic ideology itself seems to have become a secular substitute religion. Since when did Democrats become so judgmental and intolerant? Conservatives are demonized, with the universe polarized into a Manichaean battle of us versus them, good versus evil. Democrats are clinging to pat group opinions as if they were inflexible moral absolutes. The party is in peril if it cannot observe and listen and adapt to changing social circumstances.
[salon.com 9/10/2008]

Meanwhile, on an almost completely unrelated note, this is what I looked like back in 1976, just before I took advantage of my opportunity to "exercise the franchise" and vote for Jimmy Carter my first-ever Presidential election. I appear exceptionally alert and knowledgeable in this photography, don't you think? The strong, square chin. The long, curly flowing hair. The six-pack abs. Talk about changing times!

A Tale of Two Writers

9 September 2008 at 15:17
Or their writing retreats, really. Why is it that someone like Henry David Thoreau, notorious vegetarian and tea-totaler, should die of tuberculosis at the age of 44 (after a lingering three-year struggle with bronchitis), while Mark Twain, who it seems is NEVER seen without a cigar, and who lived by the motto "too much of anything is bad, but too much of a good whiskey is barely enough" should survive into his 70's only to be struck down by a heart attack the day after the perigee of Halley's Comet, a phenomenon that had also accompanied his birth 75 years earlier?

Don't have an answer for that one. I do know that Thoreau tried to live simply all his life, that he lived for his work, and that despite his famous assertion (in response to the question of whether he had made his peace with God) "I did not know we had ever quarreled," never really felt that his writing had received the recognition and praise it truly deserved. Twain, on the other hand, lived his life on the see-saw of "get-rich-quick" and impending bankruptcy, and that this often influenced the quality of his writing, and not for the better.

And I'm also fascinated by the places where they did their BEST work: Walden for Thoreau; Huckleberry Finn for Twain. The reconstructed cabin at Walden Pond is located adjacent to the Visitors Center near the parking lot, but you can (and should) also visit the site of the original cabin, and place a stone on the cairn there. Twain's "Writing Hut" is the original structure, but has been relocated to the campus of Elmira College in New York from its original site at Twain's nearby home at Quarry Farm, now used by the college as a retreat center for visiting Twain Scholars. Just looking at these photos inspires me to pick up my pencil and write. And I am SO looking forward to the not-too-distant day when I am back regularly in MY "writing study" at the Eastland Park Hotel...pictures (maybe) to follow....

Thoreau's Cabin (reconstruction at Walden Pond)

Thoreau's Desk


Thoreau's Bed


Mark Twain's "Writing Hut" (now on the campus of Elmira College)

Twain's Writing Hut (rear view)

Twain's Writing Hut in its original location.


The Author at his Work

Ingathering Sunday

7 September 2008 at 23:45

***

So this was the day I've been waiting for and working toward all Summer -- the first Sunday after Labor Day, and the official start of a new Church Program year. Lots of energy and excitement, and a pretty full house too, although I didn't get an actual count from the ushers before I left. So I guess I'll just have to wait to see it Tuesday. Lots of new faces too, especially among the twenty-something crowd. Plus the annual "return of the stalwarts," who in traditional UU fashion take the summer off to renew their spirits in other ways.

Like many UU churches, First Parish celebrates its Ingathering with a Water Ceremony, during which members of the congregation line up to contribute water which they have brought home with them from the various places they have traveled to over the summer, pouring it into a common vessel to symbolize the combination of our diverse talents and experiences in a single community.

We've tried to steer the ceremony away from your basic "show and tell" to more of a brief "check-in" that is somewhat less intimidating than our usual candlesharing, and it seems to be working. Like a lot of "unique" UU rituals, when it is good it is very, very good; and when it is bad it is horrible. I try to keep it simple while still keeping it authentic, and that seems to work pretty well.

There were also a few opening day glitches which probably went unnoticed but just about everyone but me, but which still required a little scrambling around to get straightened out. Like not having a pilot candle from which to light our chalice, and some confusion over the announcements...the sort of thing we'll have running like clockwork in another two or three weeks.

And let's face it, this was a fairly complicated service, despite its intended simplicity -- two other clergy (who will be working with me part time throughout this year as I figure out just how much "light duty" I can really handle), plus four lay readers, the full choir, and our "ad hoc pick-up Summer Ensemble & Chorale" (shortened today to simply "The First Parish Summer Ensemble") to sing the benediction response. They were one of the many high points of this year's summer services (where we enjoyed nearly double the average attendance over last summer's services), and I was very pleased to be able to show them off for the 9 & 1/2 month congregation today.

The actual preaching was still a little rough as well -- very emotional, plus still fighting the dry mouth and scratchy throat that are side effects of my chemotherapy and of the painkillers I'm taking just to be able to get around at all. That too I imagine will get easier over time, as the chemo comes to an end (at least for the time being) and my pain control continues to improve by trial and error. But these days my emotions are never far from the surface. And that's not necessarily such a bad thing.

Here's a Link to today's Homily and Ingathering Water Ceremony at the First Parish in Portland, Maine. Enjoy!

Ingathering Water Ceremony

7 September 2008 at 17:01
***
OPENING WORDS: “Going to Walden” by Mary Oliver

It isn't very far as highways lie.
I might be back by night fall, having seen
The rough pines, and the stones, and the clear water.
Friends argue that I might be wiser for it.
They do not hear that far-off Yankee whisper:
How dull we grow from hurrying here and there!

Many have gone, and think me half a fool
To miss a day away in the cool country.
Maybe. But in a book I read and cherish,
Going to Walden is not so easy a thing
As a green visit. It is the slow and difficult
Trick of living, and finding it where you are.

***

FROM THE BANKS OF THE RIVER JORDAN 
TO THE SHEEP POOL AT BETHESDA, 
GOD’S GONNA TROUBLE THE WATER

a homily delivered by the Rev. Dr. Tim W. Jensen
at the First Parish Church in Portland, Maine
Ingathering Sunday September 7th, 2008

***
[extemp intro] VACATION -- Latin vacare -- “to make empty” Vacant, Vacuum, Vacuous... a time when we attempt to clear our calendars of obligations and responsibilities in order to “re-create” ourselves and return to our day to day lives refreshed and rejuvenated.

Of course, the Great Irony of a vacation like this is that often times we work so hard at trying to squeeze in as much leisure as we can into our so-called “free” time that we return to our ordinary lives more exhausted than when we left!

Yet at other times, unstructured emptiness isn’t really something we would choose either. This past six months, for instance, I’ve had a lot of free time pretty much imposed on me -- it’s not something I would have chosen for myself, but rather merely another unavoidable consequence of my illness, which at times has reduced the size of my world to the four walls of a hospital room. 

Trying to fill that emptiness in a meaningful way has been a real challenge: books, friends, television...and, of course, the Internet.... Especially the Internet, which can put all three of the others right at your fingertips 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Yet even 24/7 Always Online Real-Time Access (AORTA) can feel pretty empty when compared to something so simple as spending a day at the beach slumbering in the sun, and gazing out over a vast ocean.

One thing I did discover this summer though was a website called biblos.com, which is basically nothing but a vast array of on-line Bible-study tools: GOOD Bible-study tools, of the sort designed to cultivate Biblical literacy rather than reinforcing Biblical literalism. So while many of you spent your summer vacations traveling to exotic destinations near and far, my summer was taken up by more of an inward journey... and in particular revisiting a couple of passages of Scripture that had been very important to me when I was still a seminarian, and which I discovered continue to reveal to me new insights even three decades later.

The first passage (or pericope as we were taught to call them) comes from the book of Genesis in the Hebrew Bible, and was actually the topic of the very first term paper I ever wrote at the Harvard Divinity School. I can't for the life of me recall today what I had to say back then, but I do remember thinking to myself at the time how impressed academia would be now that I had FINALLY written the definitive interpretation of this text, ...and what a rude awakening it was to receive back my paper with a big red "B-minus" scribbled on the cover, just below the color xerox of Paul Gaugin’s “Vision After the Sermon: Jacob Wrestling with the Angel” I’d discovered during my research and used as a frontispiece.

Jacob, as you may or may not recall from your days in Sunday School, was the younger of twin brothers, born “grasping at his brother’s heel,” yet destined by biology and tradition in that culture always to take the second place. But Jacob wasn’t satisfied with that destiny -- so he tricks both his brother Esau and his father Issac into giving him the blessing that would have ordinarily been the birthright of the firstborn. But this also didn't sit too well with his "family of origin," and compelled him to leave behind the land of his birth and live in exile with his mother’s brother Laban, in order to avoid any additional conflicts with his own.

And Jacob did quite well for himself working for his uncle and (eventually) father-in-law -- so well, in fact, that his cousins became jealous of him, and determined to take back the wealth they believed rightly belonged to them. And so once more Jacob was forced to flee from potential danger, only this time, instead of fleeing alone into the night carrying only a staff, he had an entire family of his own to think of: two wives, two maids, and (nearly) a dozen (male) children. Plus all of the flocks and herds and servants and retainers and various other hangers-on who would have made up his extended household.

And the only place he has to go is back to the land now ruled by his brother, whom he hasn’t seen in decades, and who Jacob fears may still harbor resentments over their last encounter, and greet him with hostility rather than hospitality. In fact, Jacob was so worried about this that he paused at the banks of the River Jordan, and divided his family into two companies, thinking that if Easu should find and attack the first company, the other might hear of it and escape.

And the Scripture tells us:

[22] [And Jacob] arose that same night and took his two wives and his two maids and his eleven children, and crossed the ford of the Jabbok. [23] He took them and sent them across the stream. And he sent across whatever he had.[24] So Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him till daybreak. [25] When the man saw that he could not overpower him, he touched the socket of Jacob's hip so that his hip was wrenched as he wrestled with the man. [26] Then the man said, "Let me go, for it is daybreak." But Jacob replied, "I will not let you go unless you bless me. [27] The man asked him, "What is your name" "Jacob," he answered. [28] Then the man said, "Your name will no longer be Jacob, but Israel, because you have struggled with God and with men and have prevailed." [29] Jacob said, "Please tell me your name." But he replied, "Why do you ask my name?" Then he blessed him there. [30] So Jacob called the place Peniel, saying, "It is because I saw God face to face, and yet my life was spared." [31] The sun rose above him as he passed Peniel, and he was limping because of his hip....

It’s a common theme in much of the world’s folklore that to safely cross a body of water, one must somehow appease the local deity: water nymphs, or river imps, or the troll beneath the bridge. To learn their true name is to gain power over them, and thus permission to cross over their domain. But there is obviously a lot more going on here than that. A thousand years before Julius Caesar, Jacob is crossing his own version of the Rubicon. The opponent he wrestles with is none other than his own Creator, and the "true name" he learns is not God's, but his own.

And I remember at the time being struck by the heroic quality of it all: to have struggled with both men and with God, and have prevailed. But as the years have gone by I’ve come to learn the other half of this lesson: that when we wrestle with God, the BEST we can hope for is a stalemate, to see God face to face and live. And yes, we can still extort our blessing, by refusing to let go. Yet the struggle itself often leaves us crippled, and limping into the sunrise...undefeated, but hardly victorious.

[And of course it has to be the hip. Sciatica. How could I have possibly known at the time just how painfully crippling sciatica can be?]

The second passage comes from the 5th chapter of John’s Gospel; and despite its familiarity, it’s not one that I’d spent a lot of time studying before or since. But it was a favorite of my Clinical Pastoral Education supervisor, who directed my acute care hospital chaplaincy internship the summer following my first year of Divinity School, and so I heard it a lot that summer, and was frequently reminded of it this past summer as well as I sat waiting for a shower in my own hospital room. [Bethesda, by the way, means literally “the House of Kindness;” so you can see why it would be a popular name for a hospital, and why this would be such a popular passage of Scripture for a hospital chaplain.]

[2]Now there is at Jerusalem by the sheep market a pool, which is called in the Hebrew tongue Bethesda, having five porches. [3] In these lay a great multitude of impotent folk, of blind, halt, withered, waiting for the moving of the water. [4] For an angel went down at a certain season into the pool, and troubled the water: whosoever then first after the troubling of the water stepped in was made whole of whatsoever disease he had. [5] And a certain man was there, which had an infirmity thirty and eight years. [6] When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole? [7] The impotent man answered him, Sir, I have no [one], when the water is troubled, to put me into the pool: but while I am coming, another steppeth down before me. [8] Jesus saith unto him, Rise, take up thy bed, and walk. [9] And immediately the man was made whole, and took up his bed, and walked....

Then, of course, then there’s a big controversy (since it’s the Sabbath) about the legitimacy of Jesus performing miracles on that day, or whether or not it constitutes “work” to take up one’s bed and walk. And I’ve never really quite known what to make of all this myself either-- it always seemed like just another faith-healing story to me, a naive evocation of the power of positive thinking in the face of the reality of profound affliction.

But recently it dawned on me that this story isn’t really about faith healing at all. I mean, it’s not as if the man leaves his bed behind and gets down into the pool, which is what he originally hoped for in the first place. Instead Jesus asks him, “theleis (h)ugies genesthai -- “Wilt Thou be Made Whole?” -- do you wish, will you allow yourself, to be recreated -- to recognize and embody your own inescapable wholeness? Then "wake up, pick up your pallet, and walk!"

It’s not really something you believe: you either do it or you don’t. How are we to understand the relationship between the question and the command?  What is the connection between the Wish and the Will? How much of our healing is a product of our own effort, and how much is simply an openness to being and seeing ourselves as healed, as healthy, as whole?

You see, there’s that pesky root again: genesthai/to be made, to be created = Genesis, Generate, Generosity.

Seems like that word pops up a lot in my life these days.

It’s a miracle of a different order: not a belief that makes you something that you aren’t, but the recognition of who you truly are, and the essential integrity and wholeness that holds us together even in the face of profound brokenness as well.

And when we awaken to that wholeness, we discover as well our ability to walk again.

Even if it is with a pretty painful limp, and carrying our own bed....

***

THE SHARING OF THE WATERS
(adapted from the Unitarian Universalist Church of Spokane, Washington)

This Water Ceremony is a uniquely Unitarian Universalist ritual. It symbolizes our coming together again at the close of the summer to bring our gifts and talents to the wider church community.

Summer is a season of rest and renewal. It is a time of travel. For some of us the travel was physical: going to a new area, experiencing new things. For others the travel was symbolic, or metaphorical: journeys inward toward landscapes unseen except in the mind’s eye. For some of us the Summer was a time of active Doing; for others it was time of reflective Being. Today we come together from our various journeys, walking our different paths alone together and together alone.

Each direction from which we may come has a metaphorical meaning. The East is the direction of Air: it is the place of sunlight, new beginnings, the spirit which like air stirs; it is Spring. The South is the direction of Fire: it denotes inspiration, passion and compassion as fire consumes and burns with zeal; it is Summer. The West is the direction of Water. Water heals: it denotes the calmness and the turbulence of the emotions. The West is the place of the sunset. It is Autumn. Finally, the North is the direction of Earth. It represents snow, darkness, and death: the completion of a cycle of life. It is the Winter.

Where are you coming from? What gifts of the journey do you bring back to our beloved community?

As we hear our readers once again describe each direction, I invite each of us to look within and decide from which direction we have come, and to line up accordingly here along the side aisle. Each of us will have an opportunity to pour our water into the large bowl symbolizing the pooling of our gifts, and the experience of our journeys. We will begin with the East and end with the North. And if you did not bring any water today, do not despair: there is another bowl from which you may take water to add to the larger bowl.

{READERS}

The East is the direction of the sunrise, of illumination, morning, springtime, new beginnings, new adventures, the hope that springs eternal. Will those who are symbolically coming from the East please come forward.

The South is the direction of the blazing sun, of fire, the tropics. It is the direction of the hustle and bustle of life itself, new ideas blossoming into fruition. Will those who are symbolically coming from the South please come forward.

The West is the direction of the sunset, of the fading of light, evening, the quieting of the senses. It is the direction of endings, finishing, getting affairs in order and completion. Will those who are symbolically coming from the West, please come forward.

The North is the direction of darkness, ice, cold, the Arctic. It is the winter of our souls. It is the direction of death, but not permanence, for death is part of the cycle of life. Will those who are symbolically coming from the North, please come forward.

Water is purity and water is life. Water is constantly moving: it is change, it is flux. Water is both many and it is one. The ocean is made up of infinite drops of water that alone do very little and together are invincible. And yet the invincibility of water can only be achieved through the conjoining of the individual drops.

This water is like our congregation. Each of us brings our individual gifts and hopes and joys, which alone are enough, but together are magnified and enhanced.

This water is a metaphor of our individual journeys joined together for the larger task of building a beloved community. Our directions are brought together in our axis mundi: the Center from which we gather the strength to act. The gifts we bring touch our hearts, stimulate our minds, and move us closer to the wholeness we seek in this life.

May the Waters of Life cleanse our Spirits and fill us with Hope and Vitality.

Amen, and Blessed Be....

Lipstick

5 September 2008 at 15:00
I've never really found myself in the position of trying to apply lipstick to a pit bull. A pig, maybe. Or roadkill. But never a pit bull.

We're asking all the wrong questions about Sarah Barracuda. To repeat an insight I quoted from another blogger in an earlier post to this thread, "I'll be honest: if Sarah Palin was a fiercely pro-choice progressive, mother of five kids, who'd risen from mayor of a small town to democratic governor of her sparsely populated state, I'd be kind of in love with her. Wouldn't you? And wouldn't you, although a little hesitant, be excited about her having been selected as Obama's vice-president?"

The question isn't really whether she will be ready on Day One to take over as President. Few people are; in fact, I question whether ANYONE really is. The real question is whether or not she is ready now to be a candidate for the vice-presidency, whatever THAT means. And that really is something for the voters to decide for themselves.

Personally, I find myself somewhat fascinated by the folksy, small town Alaskan frontier provincialism in which being a commercial fisherman and a snow machine champion somehow count for as much as an Ivy League education...and maybe matter more. I love the schtick about being able to field dress a moose, and selling the gubernatorial jet on e-Bay. And she certainly does a credible job of reading someone else's words off a teleprompter; you can see how she earned her Barracuda nickname.

What I DON'T like are all the things that make her so popular with the other side to begin with: the pro-life, abstinence-only views regarding sex education; the attempted library book-banning; her attitude about the environment and global warming; and all the rest. I wouldn't vote for a candidate who held those positions under ordinary circumstances. Why should a little lipstick make any difference now?

And then there's this. I think little Trig will someday forgive his mom her 60-some day absence in his infancy to run for vice-president. And if she actually wins... what a way to grow up!

But how much lipstick will it take to make THIS look good?

Brown Rice & Green Tea

3 September 2008 at 20:15
~
...Fresh, organically-grown vegetables, raw or lightly steamed....

Beans, lentils, chickpeas, squash, peas, corn, potatoes, carrots....

Yummy vegetable soups in tomato or vegetable stocks....

And, of course, lots of fresh fruit, berries and nuts.

Not to mention dried fruits: raisins, prunes, figs, apricots....

Oatmeal (and Oatmeal cookies!)

Freshly baked whole grain breads.

Muffins and Quickbreads.

Pasta.

Are free-range eggs and dairy products on the menu?

What about seafood?

Honey?

Gosh there's a lot of good things to eat out there that don't involve the carcasses of pigs, chickens, or cows.

And that's BEFORE you start looking at all of the different "faux meat" products that are available these days.

I know I've joked in the past about "veggie bacon cheeseburgers," but if you really feel that strongly about it, why not?

Cussometer Rating

2 September 2008 at 22:33
The Blog-O-Cuss Meter - Do you cuss a lot in your blog or website?
Created by OnePlusYou - Free Dating Site

Thanks James for pointing us all to this. Reminds me of the old joke about how the only time the Lord's name was heard in the Unitarian church was when the sexton hit his thumb with a hammer....

Yet Another Thought about Sarah Palin

2 September 2008 at 13:01
***
M LeBlanc raises some interesting points about Sarah Palin over at her blog, Bitch PhD.

I'll be honest: if Sarah Palin was a fiercely pro-choice progressive, mother of five kids, who'd risen from mayor of a small town to democratic governor of her sparsely populated state, I'd be kind of in love with her. Wouldn't you? And wouldn't you, although a little hesitant, be excited about her having been selected as Obama's vice-president?

Yeah. OK. Maybe... I think THIS goes a little over the top though...

Nostalgic for What Might Have Been

2 September 2008 at 03:02
***
And this is always dangerous territory here. "What if?" "If only..." I think it's already been well established that, as a general rule, people tend to regret far more the things we wish we'd done and never did, than the things we actually did and wish we hadn't. The sins of omission, as it were. There are exceptions to this rule, of course. But even in a society that believes in forgiveness and a second chance, there are very few actual "do-overs" in life. We are changed by each choice we make; every decision is also a "cutting off" in a profoundly literal sense.

This Labor Day weekend has been a big bust for me. Played hooky from church only to regret it later, and meant to get caught up on all sorts of left-over end-of-the-summer, end-of-the-month correspondence and bill-paying and the like...but mostly I just napped and played nursemaid to my dog, as I tried to figure out how to make her feel comfortable and at home here, and establish good routines about feeding and "exercise" for us both. Sure, I wish we both were still walking (and that one of us was driving!); our lives right now would certainly be much easier if we were. But I'm awfully happy to have her here with me, and we'll just figure out the rest as we go.

Meanwhile though, my nostalgia for what might have been has become almost overwhelming. How would my life be different if my cancer had been diagnosed earlier, or if it had never happened at all? What if MFW and the kids had decided that they still actually LIKED sailing, even after her bad experience with her first husband, or...well, like I said, there's really not much point in playing this game, unless it's just an idle pastime intended to help me gain a little more insight into what I'd like to do NEXT.

Because the plain truth of the matter is that I simply can't imagine being anywhere or doing anything else that will give me more pleasure and purpose in life right now than getting back up on the chancel next week for our Annual Ingathering Water Ceremony, and continuing my ministry here at First Parish as ably and for as long as God gives me strength to do it. I hope that doesn't sound too corny, because it's really, really true.

It's also very reassuring to know just how much help and assistance I can look forward to in that effort, both from my (expanding) staff and from members of the congregation, and also from those of you who read this blog at a distance and send me your warm words of encouragement and support. Thanks again to all of you from the bottom of my heart. And to some of you, I look forward to seeing you next Sunday in Church!

Race, Gender, and Social Location

30 August 2008 at 23:09
And as I sit here slack-jawed over McCain's choice of Sarah Palin as his Vice-Presidential Running Mate, it occurs to me just how successfully he has distracted MY attention from the Democratic National Convention, and its message of "John McCain: More of the Same." Can't help but wonder whether this is just a tactic to take the spring out of the Democratic bounce, and that sometime next week there will be a graceful, Harriet Miers style withdrawal and Mitt will be back on the ticket after all.

Of course the Democrats are "on the right side of history." But if all we can talk about is the beauty-queen's hairstyle, how does that really help us now that "we are facing a planetary emergency which, if not solved, would exceed anything we've experienced in the history of humankind." [Al Gore]

Sure, "people the world over have always been more impressed by the power of our example than by the example of our power." [Bill Clinton] But what kind of example of democracy do we set when issues and ideas are inevitably crowded out of the headlines by gossip, public spectacle, and personal attack?

And Joe Biden's grandmother may well have taught him that "No one is better than you; everyone is your equal, and everyone is equal to you." The problem is, a lot of people in this country -- powerful and important people -- don't really believe in all that "equality" crap.

And it's not just about race or gender either.

It's about the difference between someone who is about to lose their home to foreclosure on a sub-prime mortgage, and someone who can't even remember how many houses they own.

Or who has never had to worry about the affordability of their health insurance, because they have ALWAYS been able to afford to see any doctor that they wanted any time that they wanted, and to pay the bill in cash.

Or who doesn't really care about the rising cost of attending college, because their family has gone to the same private college in Connecticut for generations, and will no doubt continue to do so regardless of cost, or grades, or their SAT scores....

Sigh. How did the senior Senator from Massachusetts put it?

"The Work Begins Anew.
The Hope Rises Again.
And the Dream Lives On"

Survivorship

30 August 2008 at 02:03


And I've been reflecting a lot of late about what makes someone a "survivor," and thus differentiates them from being a "victim" or even just a "patient?" Is there some sort of minimum residency requirement, or does one begin surviving the moment they know they have the disease, and decide not to be victimized by it? And how much of that is denial, and how much is wishful thinking, and how much is faith and optimistic, hopeful confidence, and how much of it is just plain old mule-headed stubborn tenacity and persistence? I don't really know the answers, of course. Guess the only way to find out is to follow the path.

Been reading a really excellent cancer book too, Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer Tips which was written by and for women half my age, but still has some pretty profound insights into this whole issue. The forward is by Sheryl Crow, which by itself was enough to get it into my Amazon shopping cart.

I've been noticing that a lot of these cancer narratives have pretty similar trajectories, kinda like a chess game.... The Opening Moves are all pretty well-scripted these days; we've done it so often now, we can predict those initial outcomes pretty accurately, at least on a statistical level. Then comes the Middle Game, a series of sacrifices and exchanges in the attempt to gain a slight advantage in position or material to take into the End Game... where like "The Seventh Seal," Black always is destined to win eventually.

I'm coming to the end of the opening now. Feeling pretty good about how things have developed, and am looking forward to still being pro-active while I "wait and watch" -- especially about moving away from my "chemo" diet to something a little more macrorbiotic/anti-cancer/holistic/organic/whatever. Lots of homework to do, in any event. Which is something I find I do pretty well.

Not that I'm planning to be fanatical about it either. There's still got to be room SOMEWHERE in my lifestyle for an occasional basket of chicken wings at Bingas.

Mostly though, right this moment I'm really worried about my little dog. The sore on her left hind leg has gotten much worse; it's causing her a lot of pain, and there's really not a lot I can do for her about it right now, except to keep her as comfortable as I can on her bed, make sure she's taking her painkillers, and take her back in to see the vet tomorrow morning. Assuming I can rustle up a ride. Which I'm confident I'll be able to do eventually.

A loose canon?

27 August 2008 at 23:16
Over at his blog "The Latest Form of Infidelity," the Reverend Colin Bossen poses the question of whether or not there are certain Unitarian and Universalist "sacred texts" that rise to the level of Scripture, or at least "simply the special status of being important texts."

When I was still in seminary, and even early on into my ministry, this question of whether or not there was (or should be) a UU "canon," and which texts (or by what criteria texts) should be included in it was fairly important to me. But I later came to feel and understand that in many ways the whole issue of canonicity is misdirected -- it's a backhanded attempt to define an orthodoxy by defining a center so explicitly that the boundaries are no longer elastic or permeable.

Rather than canonizing our own, new "Scripture," what we are really looking for is a UU "Talmud" -- a body of texts that we can engage in on-going study and dialog with in ways that also engenders dialog with one another. So to the modest list of texts and authors you have mentioned, I would also want to add Henry Ware Jr's Formation of the Christian Character, as well as his introductory discourse following his own faculty appointment at Harvard on the relationship between Pulpit Eloquence and the Pastoral Care. His sermon on "The Personality of the Deity" (delivered in response to Emerson's Divinity School address) would also be on my short to medium list.

His father Henry Ware Sr's 1774 Compendious and Plain Catechism... written in collaboration with Ware's neighbor and colleague in Hingham, Daniel Shute (who thanks to where his name falls in the alphabet gets top billing, although we all have a pretty good idea of who really did most of the hard work) is also a document well-worthy of our attention...since it is doubtlessly one of the principal reasons Ware was nominated and selected for the Hollis Chair to begin with.

The "Wood 'n Ware" texts, on the other hand, are probably way too involved for general inclusion, but they might well be "mined" and anthologized for appropriate content, especially since they are considered by many scholars to be the best discussion of the issues of predestination and free will since Luther and Erasmus debated the question back in the 16th century.

[if it seems as though I am paying a lot of attention to the Wares, it is NOT simply because I wrote my own doctoral dissertation about them. Rather, it has to do with the historical observation that as key members of the Harvard Divinity School faculty, between the two of them they essentially educated an entire generation of Unitarian clergy in what is often referred to as the "Golden Age of American Unitarianism" -- a cohort which included both Emerson and Parker, as well as James Freeman Clarke, William Henry Channing, Joseph Henry Allen, and scores of others who continued to serve "Our Liberal Movement in Theology" well into the remainder of the century.]

Conrad Wright used to place great stock in Henry Whitney Bellows' "The Suspense of Faith;" if memory serves, I even recall hearing him say that if he had it to do over again, he would have included Bellows as the "Fourth Prophet" in the now-nearly canonical anthology that enshrined Channing, Emerson and Parker as the Holy Trinity of the 19th century Unitarian tradition in the first place.

One of the original criteria for New Testament canonicity was the suitability of the text for reading at public worship. Based on that source of authority, I've been struck by how often the words of Mary Oliver, Annie Dillard, and T.S. Eliot (or at least that bit on "the end of all our exploring") are proclaimed from our pulpits and lecterns on Sunday mornings. Forrest Church's passages on "The Cathedral of the World" and "the dual reality of being alive and having to die" both make my short list as well. Inclusion in the Hymnal is a clear and obvious marker of some form of semi-scriptural canonicity, so I suppose that Barbara Pescan and Mark Belletini (along with many of our other colleagues, both living and dead) would qualify on those grounds alone.

Here's another question: when we designate a text as "Scripture," what kind of authority does that give it? I often raise this point when talking about inerrancy and the authority of the Bible. Is something "true" simply because it has been included in the Bible? Or are things included in the Bible because somebody, somewhere thought that they were True? Profound Truth is in some ways the ultimate test of Scriptural Authority...and if it IS True, it's going to still be true (and thus authoritative) regardless of the kind of authority we assign it by designating it as "scriptural." So in that sense, anything we designate as scriptural is really just a tool to help us better discover and understand the scripture "written upon the heart." And that list could grow to be very long indeed.

THE ADORABLE PARKER

27 August 2008 at 13:13


We've all heard how people and their pets grow to resemble one another, but this is getting ridiculous. Parker is here home with me for awhile, because her degenerative disc disease has apparently progressed to the point that she is no longer capable of bearing weight on her left hind leg, and I want to be able to get a good sense of how she is feeling so that I can make good decisions about her ongoing medical care.

My dogsitters Jeanne and Jane have both been terrific; I am so grateful to both of them (and their families) for the love they have shown to me and my "companion animal," but at this point I really do need to be there in person, just so I can know and understand what is really going on. Ironically, the fact that she is now as disabled as I am actually makes it a little easier for me to care for her...as well as motivating me to work a little harder on my own rehab, just so I can keep up with the demands of providing that care.

And it's also real obvious that just being around each other again has been good for both our morale. So what if we're both still whimpering every time we get up to pee? At least we know that we don't have to whimper alone....

PB & the Rev'nd Dr "J"

26 August 2008 at 21:44


...just bangin' out with the Portland Sea Dogs on an absolutely gorgeous summer evening in August. Accompanied as well by my adult son Jacob, and the out-going treasurer of my church, who is selling his business here and moving to Belize to do the bookkeeping for his step-son's various business enterprises, and to sail a little in the Caribbean in what he hopes will be his ample free time.

Once and Future Red Sox pitcher Clay Bucholz had the start, on what was also "Clay Bucholz No Hitter Commemorative Bobblehead Night" -- but we didn't get there in time to get a bobblehead ourselves, and had to settle instead for watching an OK outing by the real thing. Clay had a hard time getting his fastball over early, and had one really tough inning where they touched him for three runs...but at other times he had both the fast ball and the change up working really well, and you could appreciate the live ballplayer who inspired the bobblehead.

His teammates played some fairly decent defense behind him too, including a very pretty tag 'em out throw 'em out double play on a ground ball hit to the third baseman, who slapped the leather on a baserunner (who had made the minor league mistake of running on a ground ball hit in front of him) before firing a rocket across the diamond to catch the batter by a step. The other side of the infield didn't fare so well though. Between the two of them the second basemen made FIVE errors; some of that has got to be attributable to the groundskeeping!

Bucholz left the game with a one run lead before the seventh inning stretch, but his relief quickly gave up a two run homer leaving the Sea Dogs another game back in the loss column instead of with a big "W," and the starting pitcher himself with no decision. And after all that hard work too!

Not that I really cared. Win or lose, it was still a great night out for me....

Nostalgic for the Here and Now

25 August 2008 at 00:05
-
Took a lovely "roll and stroll" with my family through my old neighborhood in the West End this afternoon. And by family I mean My Former Wife and our two adult children, who have been here all this weekend visiting me from the West Coast, just because it's the end of the summer and they thought it would be fun to spend some time together. And it HAS been fun, but also kinda funny as we fall back into familiar family patterns after so many years of living and being apart. Because we are all very different now than we were ten years ago. And yet we are also still in so many ways the same. Fantastic weather too, which made the day truly lovely. Made our way along the Western Promenade, enjoying a panoramic view the Fore River, then worked our way back into neighborhood itself, just checking out the architecture, petting whatever dogs we happened to meet, and talking about nothing in particular. This cancer represents a pretty major curve ball for them as well. So they need a chance to work that through, and figure out how best to respond.

My own thoughts today were very much about how much this illness has taken from me already, although hopefully not forever. Just the experience of needing to be pushed around in a chair, rather than walking under my own power -- having to give up my apartment, and my familiar shopkeepers and service providers...it makes me a little angry I guess, but also motivates me to work a little harder in Physical Therapy. Felt that way most of Saturday too, after meeting Parker and her current dogsitter at the Brackett Street Vet to see about a sore on her hind leg that appeared to be becoming infected, and then watching the locals run full on the outdoor court at the Reiche School. Not just walking and driving, but hoop, golf, the daily company amd companionship of my dog, and God knows what else...hell, just reaching the books on the top shelf of the bookcase! But it's going to get better. I'm going to MAKE it better. And I am SO looking forward to getting back in the pulpit two weeks from today.

Meanwhile, having tired of their self-appointed role of gelato police, the kids both decided I was getting a little shaggy on top, despite the chemo-therapy related thinness in my HAIR that was finally beginning to express itself. Here's their solution to THAT problem...



Not quite as outrageous as the time they dyed the dog florescent green. And at least they let me eat a little dessert afterwards....

Trend Setter or Trend Chaser?

20 August 2008 at 16:56
~
Not that I suppose it really matters. But apparently Cancer Blogs are now all the rage, and may even have significant therapeutic value in combating the disease. Of course, I hadn't really thought about any of this when I started my blog. It just seemed like a very logical and rational thing to do, both in terms of communicating with my many friends about what was happening in my life, and also a natural extension of my life as a writer. My two biggest problems? The constant pressure to remain optimistic and upbeat in these posts (Tigger rather than Eeyore) often leaves me feeling a little grumpy. And likewise, the time I spend posting here often seems to cut into time I might otherwise have spent writing in my personal journal, or working on other writing projects (including other blogs).

But these are small worries. It's good to feel the pressure to be upbeat, and thus resist the temptation to wallow a bit in the warm bath of self-serving cynical disappointment. The Slough of Despond is hardly the healthiest place to spend a holiday. I also feel a little uncomfortable reading ahead in the blogs of others, and worrying about what awaits me down the road as my own illness progresses. Right now I'm feeling pretty good -- with the exception of my almost constant fatigue. But my pain control is good, and I'm feeling a lot more ambulatory (and thus a lot more mobile). I just miss having my family around, since I can generally count on them to push me around and get me out and about in ways that I still don't really feel comfortable asking volunteers from church or even my closest friends.

Suppose that's it for now. I really am looking forward to the start of church again in just 18 days...but I'm also a little worried about everything that needs to happen between now and then as well. Not that it all needs to happen all at once! I think this year it will be enough just to get off on the right foot, and to keep moving forward in the right direction, one step at a time, one foot after another. That's what Covenant is all about, right? Walking together. Walking humbly with thy God. It's almost as good as "a good walk spoiled."

Or who knows? If we practiced our praying as much as our putting, it could be even better.*

(*said by someone who is still stuck in a wheelchair, and wondering whether he will ever putt again....)

Rest Assured...

18 August 2008 at 15:36
`
Amidst all my idle summer daydreams of sailboats and red convertibles, the anticipated return of my One True Passion is looming just over the horizon. It's hard to believe it, but Labor Day is just a few weekends away, and that on Sunday September 7th our regular Church Program Year begins again at First Parish with the celebration of our Annual Ingathering Water Ceremony. My travels this summer have been more of the metaphorical/inspirational variety, but I have a great title for my homily that first Sunday which reflects that inner journey: "From the Banks of the River Jordan to the Sheep Pool at Bethesda, God's Gonna Trouble the Water."

And then the following Sunday, September 14th, I'll be preaching on a topic I suspect may very well prove the theme of this entire year: "Progress, not Perfection." This was a motto one of my Oncology Nurses wrote on the white board in my room at the Gibson during my month-long hospitalization there last Spring, and it has certainly inspired me many times in the many months since. The progress that I've made since those days is considerable, yet "perfection" is certainly still a far sight down the road. But I'm not going to try to preach that whole sermon now. You'll be hearing it in church (or maybe reading it on the web) soon enough.

Another thing that happened over the summer was that I filed a Long Term Disability claim under the terms of my UUA group insurance, which I recently learned has been approved. This basically means that I am now free to work as much or as little as I can, while at the same time freeing up payroll money that would have otherwise gone to compensate me in order to bring in other ministers and additional outside help to assist me with the overall ministry of the church. Again, I won't try to go into all the details here, but we are now in the final stages of assembling a fantastic team of clergy, program and support staff, and volunteer lay leaders who will not only allow us to continue "business as usual," but also represent a real opportunity for us to "take it to the next level." For my own part, for years I've boasted that I have a perfect job -- one of those jobs I can hardly believe I get paid to do, and which I would gladly do for free if I could afford to. Now I actually get a chance to prove it in front of God and all of you. And with your help, I'm confident we can make it happen.

Finally, there is one other important player on this team whose return to the line-up I eagerly await. Although I'm still not quite nimble or frisky enough myself to care for her full-time, we have found time for regular visits and the occasional "sleep-over," which have naturally boosted my spirits considerably. The Adorable Parker is looking quite fit after her summer sojourn with alternating pet-sitters Jane Cox and Jeanne Mullen. She appears to have lost about 5 lbs (or 20% of her body weight), and even though she's no longer a puppy (her 14th birthday will be in January), she still has that alert look that lets you know SHE knows what's going on. Of course, she also sleeps most of the day these days as well -- which is kinda what old dogs do for a living -- and remains an excellent reminder to me not to push myself beyond my limits, while at the same time working as close to them as I can. With Parker on watch, we can all rest assured that I will get my rest as well, and remain capable of giving my best to all of you, who mean so much to me.

A bit of history

16 August 2008 at 07:11
+
Now Blogger is telling me that THIS is actually my 100th post, and that my earlier posts were only 98 and 99...not that it really matters any in the greater scheme of things. It's still a helluva lot of posts in not an especially long time. Only the historians and the beancounters REALLY care about the numbers.

Comforting to know that there are also lots of folks reading my blog, and to hear back from you from time to time as well. Even if you feel uncomfortable posting a comment to the blog itself, you can always send me a letter or a private e-mail. Best address for now is probably care of the church (which should be easy enough to find). Just don't be surprised or disappointed if I can't write you back personally right away. Almost everything I have to say I say first right here anyway. Or in my column, or from the pulpit, or in one of my other several (and now mostly neglected) blogs anyway.

Meanwhile, I learned at dinner the other night at the Armistad is here in Portland for a week. Not the original slave ship, of course, but the replica I presume was built for the movie, and which now sails all up and down the Atlantic coast from its home port in New Haven, educating students and the general public about what happened aboard her and the slave trade in general. It's something I would very much like to do myself, if I were able. And who knows? Maybe I'll just round up an attendant and do it anyway. Or at least as much of it as I can. Do you wish to become whole? Arise, pick up your bed, and WALK!



I also wonder what will happen to all of my "stuff" once it becomes part of the public domain. Or maybe I should be honest and say "after I'm gone." I tend to accumulate a fair number of artifacts and more than my fair share of written information when it comes to thing like this, and I understand now why the Victorians were so obsessed with obtaining (and burning!) as many of their loved ones private papers as they could, before historians (or simply a scandal-obsessed free press and its public readership) could get their hands on them first. Haven't really seen any statistics about how sucessful they were, but I do know that the memoir I worked with for my dissertation probably wouldn't have existed if not for the Ware family's foresight. So thanks Wares! And to all you other literary pack-rats who have the space, the sentiment, and the inclination to hold on to stuff like that long after any reasonable soul would have pitched in in the recyclilng.

The RED Convertible

13 August 2008 at 19:06


And even as I daydream about simplifying my lifestyle, downsizing my possessions, and someday moving aboard a floating residence where I am free to wake up, weigh anchor, and sail away with wind and current as the spirit moves me, I also find myself fantasizing about much more conventional midlife aspirations. A few years ago, on the threshold of my fiftieth birthday, it was a convertible I was obsessed with. These Chrysler LeBarons are not exactly expensive vehicles...you can generally find two or three running, high-milage models available for a few thousand dollars within 100 miles radius any time you look. It's a car you can buy with a credit card...but even so, as a parish minister it still seemed a little too extravagant and self-indulgent to me. Sure, it's just a silly toy. But is that really the kind of image I want to present to the public about my private and "personal" life?

About that same time, I was regularly visiting a hospitalized parishioner of mine who (as it turned out) was in the last few months of her life. The relationships one forms in times like that are really quite special, because the bonds that are developed are often quite intense and profound...and yet intimate and fun and often even silly all at the same time. In this particular instance, Jeanne had suffered several small stokes, which often left her aphasic or unable to come up with the word she wanted even when she knew in her own mind exactly what she wanted to say. This could be frustrating for her almost to the point of exasperation, but it was also a source of occasional amusement as well when the words she DID select were not necessarily ones she would ordinarily use in the presence of a minister!

Other times, she would deal with her frustration simply by remaining silent, and leaving me do all the talking. So I shared with her my dilemma -- I was thinking about buying myself a convertible for my 50th birthday, but I couldn't make up my mind -- should I buy the white one or the red one?

Jeanne's eyes lit up like an excited schoolgirl's. "The RED one!" she exclaimed without hesitation. "Get the red one!"

Jeanne was gone a few months later. And I still haven't bought the car. Afterwards her son Tommy gave me an expensive model of a red Corvette roadster from the 1950's, which I keep on the toy shelf along with all of my other special treasures (see photo posted 7/28, lower left side shelf). And I do have another birthday coming up. But what kind of idiot buys himself a used, high-milage convertible just before the beginning of another Maine winter? Especially when he has a brand new vehicle with under 3000 miles parked in a lot across the street because he is physically incapable of driving it?

And besides, if I REALLY wanted to set a good example, wouldn't I be shopping for one of these?...

My 100th post

13 August 2008 at 08:38


And it's hard to believe--my initial diagnosis was six months ago, and now here we all are 100 posts later. That's an awful lot of water under the...well, let's say keel.

And I see as well that another one of my pet boats has sold...or perhaps simply been withdrawn from the market for the winter while they rethink their sales strategy. But I'm guessing sold, and at a pretty significant price cut at that. Only the willing buyer and the willing seller (and perhaps their respective brokers) know for sure.

Yet still the Windsong, out of Nantucket, shows us her stern, and we add her portrait to the collection of "doggone" sailboats similar to the one that "one day isle" be living aboard myself, God Willing -- perhaps even as soon as next summer, when I have recovered enough of my health to make it feasible. It's important to have goals, even if they are mostly fantasies and daydreams. I have other goals as well: for myself, for the church, for the wider world...and thankfully most of them are a lot more tangible (and a lot more realistic) than the ones that come over me late at night during the ravages of boat fever.

Boat Fever. Not really sure whether there's an effective therapy for that particular illness either. I've had it since I was a child, kept it pretty much in remission during my marriage, was afflicted with an especially virulent form while living on Nantucket myself after 9/11...and now. Well, let's just say that once again, it's a disease that can be "treated, but not cured." Or at least that's what they tell me. I guess I'll find out soon enough for myself.

100 posts. My God -- how the time flies. Thanks for reading. Now, it's time for me to get ready to face the day. Ashore.

Higgins Olympians

12 August 2008 at 22:21


And I'm sure this is starting to sound pretty tedious and mundane to many of you, but Chris and I were out again last night at Bingas playing Trivia. This time we had his two college-aged daughters and one of their cousins with us; the girls watched the Olympics (and occasionally chimed in on a pop culture or entertainment question), while Chris and I (and eventually my brother Erik, who drove up from Boston after a day of business meetings there) played the quiz. It was a relatively easy quiz too -- we only missed one question in four rounds, and were 10 for 10 (20 points) in the second bonus round...but without Erik's help we were only 8/20 in the picture round, and completely tanked the half-time "identify the mystery celebrity" question. Who the hell is Chris Tucker anyway?

Missed the first question of the final round as well, but pulled it out at the very end to squeak into second place by a point with a score of 106. The first place team (whose name I will not repeat) managed to score 124 though -- a pretty humbling margin of victory over the rest of us (and tying the record my brothers and I set back in June). Still, we were able to sneak "into the money" again this week to win the prize we really wanted (Bingas ball caps and tee shirts for the girls), while the winners went home with more tickets to the same ball game we won tickets to last week.

Picking a good team name each week is a unique challenge all its own. My all-time favorite is still Carpe Scrotum, (and I still sometimes play under that name when I'm playing by myself without teammates), but generally we try to pick something fresh every week, just to keep the opposition guessing and a little off-balance. I'd originally suggested "The Bi-Coastal Beach Babes...with Bums" but eventually we rejected the double-entendre ("that was no babe; that was my daughter") for the more mundane "Higgins Olympians." Not that there was anything especially Olympian about our team...with the exception, perhaps, of my uncanny resemblance to the Greek (or was he Roman?) God Bacchus...

Also had Parker here visiting with me this past weekend, which was a real treat as well...at least for me. She's still pretty frightened of the wheelchair, and I'm still not quick enough to get her outdoors when she needs to go...so a lot of the weekend was spent dealing with those issues. It's funny, how we have so many of the same problems...including the neuropathic pain in our legs and the occasional scramble to answer the call of nature...but having lost probably 20% of her body weight on her new kelp and kibble diet, she's looking pretty durn frisky for a 13 (going on 14) year old pup. See what I have to look forward to? She's off again now with her other set of petsitters, while the ones who've been hosting her take a little vacation time in Canada. Meanwhile, I can't open the door of my apartment now without briefly experiencing this gut feeling that she's there now waiting for me, sleeping comfortably on her little pillow at the foot of my bed.

Parker and a lobster-themed mailbox at Higgins Beach, August 10, 2008

I'm also starting to count down the days now until I'm back in the pulpit again...Sunday September 7th for our annual Ingathering Water Ceremony, and then my first real sermon since last Easter on September 14th. "Progress, Not Perfection." I can sure think of plenty of things I can say on THAT theme. But I'll try to save a few of them for the 21st as well....

Medical Updates 8/8/08

9 August 2008 at 12:11
Saw my Oncologist yesterday afternoon, so that he could interpret for me my CT scan from earlier this week. First question out of his mouth was "so how are you?" to which I immediately responded "I don't know; isn't that what you're supposed to tell me?" That made him smile, although I'm sure he's heard it a hundred times before. Bad news is that my tumors are still there and haven't really shrunken any; good news is that they don't seem to be growing any either, and that there are no additional metastases (which is actually VERY good news). So the plan is to complete these last two cycles of chemotherapy, and then to wait and watch for awhile. I'm free to return to work any time I like, but need to be sensitive to my energy levels and try not to overdo it. And, of course, the walking and mobility issues continue to be a challenge...although again it feels as though I am experiencing almost daily improvement. Oh yes, and I'm anemic again and my platelets are low...so he's lowering the dose of my chemo this next time around to help compensate for that.

I have to admit that I was nervous going in for this appointment, and then disappointed to learn that the tumors were still there. On some naive level I think I really was hoping that they would somehow be showing the effects of this treatment by shrinking dramatically, or that they might even have disappeared entirely. But I suppose if I haven't lost any weight as a result of this chemotherapy (and have actually gained about 10 lbs instead), there's no reason that I should expect the cancer to be any smaller either. Or at least that reflects my Dad's theory; that if I lose weight, my cancer will get skinnier too Haven't really seen any clinical evidence supporting that. But I am starting to do a little more serious research about how best to change my diet once I'm out of 75 State Street (whenever that may be) and back cooking for myself again. Whole grains, fresh vegetables, that sort of thing. All food that I like, and is nutritious, and satisfying, and relatively simple to prepare. So what's not to like? And you can eat such large portions....

In any event, afterwards Erik and I went out for sushi with my friend Steve at King of the Roll. Steve was feeling pretty under the weather for most of the meal, but afterwards he wasn't quite up for going home to an empty house either, so we rolled down to Whole Foods for a little gelato, and to (discretely) race the electric shopping carts through the back aisles... (Not really. But we THOUGHT about it). Steve is having a terrible time keeping his weight up, but no matter how good an example I try to set I just can't get him to eat like a pig. Miso soup, a little white rice, a few pieces of sushi, and a taste of my teriyaki salmon. And then the gelato -- which I think he truly relished. He literally weighs half of what I do, even though he's at least an inch or two taller.

I've also been thinking some more about Randy Pausch, and some of his observations in The Last Lecture. Randy was four years and a day younger than me when he died on July 25th; now he will never get any older, while I continue to gain on him in life and (presumably) wisdom and experience. Yet the influence he will continue to exert on others will endure well beyond his death -- granting him a certain degree of immortality, as well as an on-going presence in and influence on the lives of his children, which was really his intention all along. And I'm guessing that the royalties from this book will provide them with a fair amount of wealth as well -- or at least a high level of financial security in what might ordinarily be considered a very tenuous situation. Widows and Orphans (along with the infirm, impoverished, the diseased, the disabled and yes, the elderly, who often suffer from many of these other afflictions) have typically been identified as the most vulnerable members of a society. And likewise, how generously a society deals with its less-fortunate members is a good measure of both its humanity and its progressiveness. Friends and Family. Neighbors. Strangers. It's easy to be generous to those who are close and kind to you. But...well, I've preached on this subject many times before. Go to one of my other blogs if you're really feeling in the mood for a sermon....

Right now, I'm just in the mood to feel happy. And a little relieved....

More Late Night Coffee-Inspired Musings

8 August 2008 at 14:28
Made the mistake the other night of enjoying a cup of coffee with my dessert, not thinking that no self-respecting Seattleite would serve anything but high-test at their table...which meant that I was up until about 3 am yesterday morning with Randy Pausch, author of the New York Times bestseller The Last Lecture. I'd already seen the actual lecture itself on You-Tube, so the book didn't really have that many surprises...still I often found myself nodding in agreement where my insights into life, cancer, and childhood dreams coincided, and it certainly came as no surprise at all to discover that Randy (who passed away on July 25th from complications of his pancreatic cancer) was/is in fact a Unitarian Universalist: a member of the First Unitarian Church in Pittsburgh, where he apparently actually even regularly attends!

In his book Randy writes: "I was raised by parents who believed that faith was something very personal. I didn't discuss my specific religion in my lecture because I wanted to talk about universal principles that apply to all faiths -- to share things I had learned thorough my relationship with people."

I totally agree.

Don't get me wrong. I don't really have any problem with things like "the elevator speech," and I'm delighted by the renewed emphasis on hospitality, generosity, humility, service and gratitude I perceive throughout our liberal faith. What bothers me, I guess, is the "branding." I just don't care that much anymore about "Unitarian Universalism TM." I'm much more interested in what we do together every Sunday morning: not just in my church, but in healthy, dynamic, progressive faith communities of every stripe and flavor all over the world.

I don't really care whether Unitarian Universalists are best thought of as Liberal Christians, or Post-Christian Protestant heretics open to the wisdom, insights and inspiration of all the world's great religions, or an eclectic amalgam of "mystics, skeptics, and dyspeptics" bound together by a common covenant to seek and speak the truth in love, or even our own new religion. I no longer own or wear any flaming chalice jewelry either (although, God knows, maybe I should). We are what we are, we were what we were, we will be what we will be. The "correct" answer is always "All of the Above." And then some. But even that doesn't really tell us much. Which may explain the traditional Unitarian (and Universalist) preference for hagiography rather than dogma in the first place.

Here's another thought Randy's book and lecture raised in my mind. How "scaleable" is the Unitarian-Universalist experience in the first place? Randy talks a lot in his book about "enabling the dreams of others" -- and specifically about how the experience of mentoring and "paying it forward" can be even more rewarding than achieving one's own dreams. This has certainly been my experience as well. Institutions like the church (or a University like Carnegie Mellon) can allow us to leverage our efforts by serving more than one individual at a time, but there are also limits to how much hot air one can blow into a balloon without distorting its true shape, or even bursting it apart.

So what are those limits in our religious practice? In the aftermath of the Tennessee Valley shootings I've heard a lot in the media about how we are a "small" denomination. One thousand congregations and a quarter of a million people doesn't really seem that small to me, but I suppose that "small" is a relative measure. How would our denomination look (and feel!) different with two thousand congregations and a million members? Or two million? Or ten? How does the UU experience change when the "norm" becomes a "Program" church of 350 "contributing units," rather than a "Pastoral" sized congregation of 100 households? Will there still be a place for the "Family" sized Fellowship of fewer than 100 members? These are the most common sized congregations we have; it seems foolish to neglect or ignore them (and how would you get rid of them even if you wanted to)? And what the hell would a "Corporate" sized UU megachurch look like? Almost by definition, Megachurches are driven by the compelling vision of an individual, dynamic pastor; are UUs willing to accept that much authority so tightly held in the hands of a single person?

I certainly don't have the answers to all of these questions, and (as I suggested earlier) I'm not even really that certain I care about them. What I DO care about -- desperately -- is how to be the best pastor I can to the one hundred and eighty-some souls who have already decided to honor me by entrusting me with the privilege of serving as their minister, together with all the others who may just happen to step through those big red doors on a Sunday morning, like what hear, and decide to stick around.

And naturally I want to make that process as easy and "user-friendly" as possible. I want to create a sacred space where people feel safe no matter who they are or where they've come from, where people feel comfortable inviting their friends, where the values we profess in public are privately practiced by every person there...not always perfectly, but with sincerity, devotion, and commitment. And out of this "promiscuous assembly of believers and seekers," I hope to mobilize an authentic "community of memory and hope" dedicated to the challenge of changing the world for the better -- perhaps not immediately and all at once, but a little at a time, one piece at a time. And this, for me, is what it means to be a "Church."

There's nothing uniquely Unitarian or Universalist about my aspiration. And yet, that's who I am and that's where I find myself, and I'm certainly not ashamed to let people know it. Whenever it comes up, that is. Which is actually a lot less often than you might think....

Cioppino at Higgins Beach

7 August 2008 at 00:40

This is my good friend Chris, the other half of the Bi-Coastal Beach Bums, after finishing our second helpings, but before the arrival of dessert. Yum-o!

More Photos:



The whole family takes turns washing up the dishes afterwards.



Our Cioppino Chef

The Bi-Coastal Beach Bums at leisure

Late Night Monday Musings

5 August 2008 at 03:08
Today's scheduled CT Scan turned out to be a big bust; someone apparently neglected to mention to me that I wasn't supposed to eat or drink anything for at least four hours before the test, except for a special chemical contrasting agent which they had also neglected to mention and which I didn't have anyway. So I showed up dutifully at the appointed hour, and was sent back home ten minutes later with a new appointment Thursday AND the appropriate materials to prepare for it.

This round of CT images are to assess the current size of my tumors, and whatever effect the chemotherapy is having on them. Either they are shrinking, growing, or staying the same; and whatever that turns out to be will pretty much determine the next step in my therapy. Part of me is looking forward to a very aggressive Round Two that will really break the back of this cancer (for the time being at least, since I'm also told it is technically "incurable"), but part of me would also like a bit of a break, since I'm REALLY anxious to get back to work as well, and am finally starting to feel frisky enough to do that in a reasonably meaningful way. Still don't have the spunk or the energy to go full time, full speed -- but with my increasing mobility and improved pain management I can actually manage a fair amount...provided I prioritize, and don't squander my "good time" on trivial pursuits.

Speaking of which (and I probably shouldn't admit this) I won four more Sea Dogs tickets tonight. My friend Chris and his family are here in Maine for two weeks visiting relatives at Higgins Beach, so tonight I dragged him up to Bingas just to show him what it was like, and sure enough we finished in the money -- second place rather than my accustomed first, but I still ended up with the prize I wanted. Hadn't actually intended to stay and play, but there was a problem with our order and we didn't get our food for nearly an hour...and then when it arrived the game was starting and we decided to play along and the next thing we knew.... Anyway, it turned out to be a lot more fun than either of us thought it would be. Played under the team name "Bi-Coastal Beach Bums," which actually describes us pretty well. Still, I feel a little guilty spending a late evening out, given the tall stack of papers piled here next to my computer.

Because it is now the first full week in August. Summer is half-over, and the beginning of the new church year just around the corner. Don't need to start up with a bang; just need to get off on the right foot, and keep putting one foot in front of the other. But we still have lots of staffing and leadership issues to resolve before we really get going at full speed. Things are in process, and I like the trajectory so far, but until I'm confident that we're right on target it's going to be constantly on my mind.

Not tonight though. I've used my brain enough for one night. It's time to shut my eyes and recharge instead....

Dancing in a Circle of Kindness

2 August 2008 at 23:58
I finally gave in today, and curled up with Forrest Church's last and latest Love & Death: My Journey Through the Valley of the Shadow. Not that i was really avoiding the experience; it's just that I was worried that it was all going to hit a little close to home, and I wasn't really certain how I was going to respond. And of course, no surprise, dead center. But why should I be surprised? After all, Forrest and I learned our theology in exactly the same places: at the Harvard Divinity School, and from shared mentors like Rhys Williams, and mutual friends like John Buehrens, to name just a few. Hell, a lot of my theology I learned directly from Forrest himself, as he worked it out in the some twenty-three books he's written and published over three decades of ministry at All Souls NYC, beginning way back in 1982 with his little-known "Born Again Unitarian Universalism." Metaphors like the Cathedral of the World, or the insight that "God is not God's name..." are part of my everyday theological worldview; and I've quoted his observation that "Religion is our human response to the dual reality of being alive and having to die" at just about every memorial service I've conducted in the past 15 years. Close to home? Come on in and pull up a chair; I'll see what's in the fridge.

I started at Harvard in 1978, the same year Forrest graduated and headed off to All Souls, a newly-minted PhD with an M Div in his back pocket. And I also started working as a Field Education student at the First & Second Church in Boston that same autumn, where Forrest had worked as the assistant minister while completing his doctoral studies. So it was hard not to identify with him, and even harder not to admire him -- the young, brilliant, talented, charming son of a Senator who represented so much of what I thought I aspired to be at the time. Especially since I inherited his desk...or at least had a key to the secluded office in the steeple where he sometimes had worked when he happened to be at church.

Oldtimers may recall that there was some irregularity about Forrest's call to New York; he basically went there as a candidate without ever having had his name submitted through the Department of Ministry, or even having seen the Ministerial Fellowship Committee. Rather, Rhys apparently suggested his name directly to the Chair of the Search Committee at All Souls, who followed up with an invitation to an informal, low-key "pre pre-candidating weekend" that eventually led to his formal call. Only years later, in the midst of my own doctoral studies, would I recognize this as just another manifestation of the long-established ecclesiastical relationship between All Souls NYC and the Second Church in Boston. In many ways, the former had started out as something of a "mission" of the latter, and called its first settled minister, William Ware, only after William's older brother Henry (minster of the Second Church) declined a similar invitation himself, and recommended William as an alternative!

But that was a long time ago. And even 30 years seems like the distant past now, as I think back on how far we all have come since 1978. Rhys died of pancreatic cancer in 2003, at the age of 74. Forrest will turn 60 on September 23rd; his esophageal cancer, in remission for the past two years, has now returned but is also responding to treatment, and Forrest writes: "I shall happily renew my lease on life with each new offering sheet." At age 51, I am the youngest of this cadre; and my diagnosis of lung cancer is only four months old. I have no idea how the future course of my disease will run, but like Forrest I too hope for a new lease on life and many long renewals.

In the meantime though, don't go looking to Love & Death for some great new insight into the theology of F. Forrester Church. Rather, go for an easy and comfortable reminder of everything you have loved about Forrest for the past 30 years, and to be reminded that sophisticated theology can still be simple without becoming simple-minded.

"What Ifs" and "Do Overs"

1 August 2008 at 13:40
And it appears that my new-found standing and ambulatory abilities have arrived just in time to help me navigate the late-night emergency quick-step to the toilet -- no doubt too much information for many of my devoted readers here, but hey -- it happens; just be grateful you weren't here to have to deal with it personally! Meanwhile, I'm just telling myself that THIS is where old cancer cells go when they die, and good riddance!

Also turns out that this week when I stepped on the scale again on Wednesday for the SECOND time in nearly three months, I'm actually about 10 lbs lighter than I was the week before, which is probably a much more accurate reflection of what I truly weigh -- minus the water and whatever...about a 9 lbs weight gain in a period of three months, which isn't TOO bad considering how little exercise I've really done, and how much I've been trying to keep a "good appetite."

The good/bad news though is that now nothing really looks or tastes good anymore, which means that the long-expected sudden and dramatic chemotherapy-related weight loss may finally be just around the corner. Think my hair is finally starting to fall out too, although it's hard to tell. Sigh. Just another boring existential travail in the life of one more fat, balding, bearded, spectacled, privileged, over-educated middle-aged white guy.

In any event, due for another CT Scan early next week, to see whether my primary tumor has actually shrunk, grown (God Forbid!) or stayed the same. Depending upon how that goes, I may get a little break from therapy for awhile...but most likely we will be starting something new based on whatever new information we receive. Meanwhile, the start of the new church year is just a month away. I'm both excited and anxious...but that's nothing new. I feel that way EVERY year.

I've also been thinking way too much about What Ifs and Do Overs this past week -- no doubt two of the most profligate time-sucks every devised by the human imagination. Still, it's hard not to wonder from time to time: What If you you really did have it all to Do Over? Would we really make better decisions than the ones we made before? And this so quickly degenerates from mere fantasy into full-blown science fiction: how every decision-point from before the beginning of time is the beginning of a new trajectory in an infinite number of parallel "timelines" of possiblity...

It's no wonder that so many theologians took one look at that and decided that Free Will was a Big Joke -- that in order for the Universe to make sense at all God must have decided how it all would turn out since before the beginning of time. But who are we to second-guess the Mind of God? The other half of the puzzle is just as perplexing. Suppose you could only change ONE thing about your life? What would that be? And if it's really so important to you, what's to prevent you from doing it now? Discernment. Dedication. Devotion. Discipline. One day, one step, one person at a time....

More Knoxville

30 July 2008 at 16:43
OK, I agree -- it probably doesn't make any more sense for liberals to blame conservative talk show hosts for the shootings in Knoxville than it did for Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell to blame liberals for the attacks on 9/11. Enough with the finger-wagging already. Stilll there is something profoundly wrong with the soul of this nation, and until we teach ourselves how to come together armed with something other than firearms and righteous indignation...

But lets face it . Subtlety is not exactly the forte of talk radio. Nor, for that matter, is intelligent discourse, ambiguity of opinion, sophisticated analysis, or just plain old common courtesy. If we value these characteristics, we need to look to a forum which is not only willing to "speak the truth to power," but also "to preach the truth in love." In short, we need to look to the traditional strengths of the free pulpit, and those values of freedom, reason and tolerance that have historically characterized "Our Liberal Movement in Theology."

Voices like those of my colleagues

Victoria Weinstein,

Gary Kowalski,

Dan Harper,

Candace Chellew-Hodge

and finally Annette Marquis, District Executive of the Thomas Jefferson District (TJD) of the Unitarian Universalist Association (UUA).

For those of you not already following this thread on the UU Blogosphere, enjoy!

Knoxville

29 July 2008 at 12:57
Apart from my own personal feelings of shock and sorrow, I have nothing especially unique to contribute to everything that has been written lately about the terrible shooting Sunday at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church. But this particular posting by Sara Robinson deeply moved me, and so like so many others have already I share it again with all of you.

Tim

The Peripetatic Couch Potato Stands Again...

28 July 2008 at 22:49
And the plain truth of the matter is that my father is entirely too excited about all this, but today in physical therapy another nice milestone: long periods of standing unassisted, plus a few circumambulations (with the help of the walker) of my living room. All RELATIVELY pain-free. And then later in the afternoon we actually took the show out on the road...or at least out into the hallway, where I walked halfway to the elevator and back. Small steps, I know. Especially on the same day that the movers are starting to pack up my apartment furnishings to move them into storage before my lease expires at the end of the month. But it sure did give my dad a lot of pleasure to see me "up and about" again. So I guess that's some sort of consolation.

It really is mostly about the pain. Put enough narcotics in me, and I could probably walk just about anywhere you asked me to. Could be wrong about that; but I'm not much in the mood to find out either. I can feel the muscles getting stronger, and I'm getting much better on managing both the baseline and the breakthrough sciatica...so as long as I am persistent, and continue to practice, and don't let myself get derailed by overexertion or a silly injury...I should steadily improve. Progress, not Perfection. That's the ticket. Progress, not Perfection.

Meanwhile, lots of other things on my plate here at the end of the month as well. Bill, reports, overdue e-mails. Just when I'm starting to feel like I'm ready to pick up my pallet and walk, suddenly life is calling me to spend a helluva lot more time at my desk. What's THAT about anyway?

Lazy Summer Sunday

27 July 2008 at 19:19
Forty-Four again in church today for another inspiring, high-quality lay-led summer service, featuring the music of jazz accompanist Gay Pearson and our five-voice ad hoc pick-up First Parish Summer chorale ensemble. Just delights me so much to see how the worship committee has risen to the challenge of year-round services, and inspires me also with a growing restlessness to return to the pulpit myself in September.

And then when I returned home, an e-mail from a seminarian acquaintance of mine looking for information about Henry Ware Jr. for a paper she is writing for a class offered by Rob Hardies this summer at Andover Newton. Best I could give her was the listing for my dissertation in the Harvard Divinity School library catalog, (although someone recently told me that the manuscript is actually missing and presumed stolen from the stacks). An odd form of literary immortality, to say the least.

Finally, a spur of the moment invitation to a simple backyard picnic lunch with my neighbor across the street -- salad, quiche, fresh fruit and fizzy water...light, yummy, seasoned with great company...even if we did end up talking way too much about church, and a recent USA Today article about why men are missing from the pews, and what to do about it. Old news to me, and a far more complicated prescription than "more cowbell." But maybe summer is the time to be thinking about these things too.

So much to do, so little time. Tomorrow the rest of the world is back about it's business, the 44 faithful souls who worshipped together at First Parish among them, hopefully inspired to confront whatever challenges the world may great them with, or at the very least with a song in their head to serve as a touchstone of their connection with our community. "We extinguish this flame, but not the light of truth, the warmth of community, or the fire of commitment. These we cary in our hearts until we are together again...."

The 99 Names for Rain....

25 July 2008 at 21:14
In truth, this is no doubt an urban legend; and if memory serves, we could only brainstorm something in the low 30's, despite having all grown up in Seattle. Light Sprinkles. Drizzle. Scattered Showers. Downpour. Cloudburst. Partly Cloudy. Partly Sunny. Freezing Rain. Mixed Snow and Rain. Cats and Dogs. A Gully Washer. And we've just scratched the surface. Unfortunately I've misplaced the list. My father insists on the distinction between "wet" rain and "dry" rain, -- one of which requires an umbrella, while the other can typically be braved in shirtsleeves, or maybe with a sweatshirt and perhaps a hat. Gore-Tex has made dry rain a lot more common than it used to be. And I can still remember as a newcomer to Boston, stepping out of doors into a soaked through to the skin thundershower which I was certain was "dry" enough to let me get to the corner store and back for cigarettes. Sigh. How much different my life might be now if I'd learned THAT lesson 30 years ago....

Some big steps forward in my life this past week. Was able to stand unassisted during physical therapy on Monday, and even took a few tentative steps forward and backward with the walker. Later that evening, tired of trying to eat my supper at eye level, I actually climbed into a barstool at Binga's -- that's one small step for a man, but a giant step backward for my diet. Especially after taking the plunge Wednesday and stepping on the scale for the first time in three months at the Doctor's office, and discovering that I've gained 20 lbs since the end of April. OK, let's just call it lack of exercise. Or lack of something.

In any event, as I said in a previous post, into every life some rain does fall...and as a native Seattlite, no one should know this better than me. How does that old song go? "Raindrops keep falling on my head....

Summer Stalwarts

22 July 2008 at 01:23


I was still in the act of buckling my seat belt when I noticed the first few raindrops on the windshield. By the time we got to Deering Park, it was a full-blown downpour, but that eventually passed; and by driving the wrong way down a one-way road we were able to get to the rest of the now-soggy First Parish picnickers gathered around a lonely wooden picnic table in the all but otherwise abandoned picnic area. A quick repast, the obligatory group photo, a hurried clean-up and we were all on our separate ways again. And just as my Dad and I pulled back into the driveway again, the clouds suddenly cleared, and we were once more bathed in sunlight.

Don't ask me why. Sometimes the timing just isn't right, and it rains on our parade...just as it rains on the just and the unjust alike, and into every life some rain must fall. You can't take it personally. But I still feel badly for the people who planned this picnic, who came out in hope of better weather and a better time, or who didn't come out at all because, unlike me, they were smart enough to glance at the weather forecast first, or at least knew enough to get out of the rain.

The next morning, at church, I see many of these same faces there to help make the coffee and to set up for worship, to greet visitors ass they arrive, and hand out the Order of Service at the door, or singing in the "pick-up" choir which miraculously seems to assemble every week. Over 40 in attendance this past Sunday -- not bad for a congregation which until just recently (and for several centuries previously) shut its doors entirely from the middle of June until the first Sunday after Labor Day. And many still need that summer hiatus, so that they might return to our annual Ingathering Ceremony in the fall feeling refreshed and energized, eager to see their friends again and bearing water from whatever exotic destination their summer vacation may have taken them to.

But some of us will just have to settle for wringing the moisture out of our First Parish banner, before safely hanging it up to dry in anticipation of that first "real" Sunday in September.

Outward Bound

20 July 2008 at 22:14


My father brought this poster for me from California; it's a well-known Norman Rockwell print picturing a boy, a dog, and a man I assume is the boy's grandfather (now-retired from the sea), watching from a rock upon a hilltop as the father/son's(?) schooner sails over the horizon. A small flock of gulls circles overhead, in anticipation of we know not what, while below the hill the rest of the village seems peaceably at rest.

This image now hangs just above my makeshift desk at 75 State Street. I know my father brought me this poster because it inspired him with its themes of the sea, and the two generations looking on -- one nostalgically reminded of his past, one in anticipation of his own future -- while the third generation which connects them both ventures out to earn their livelihood. But I can't help seeing this image without it evoking other connotations, similar to the ones expressed in this anonymous poem which I learned on Nantucket, and have often used subsequently as a memorial service reading:

"I am standing on the seashore. A ship at my side spreads her white sails to the morning breeze and starts for the blue ocean. She is an object of beauty and strength and I watch her until at length she hangs like a speck of white cloud just where the sea and the sky come down to mingle with each other. Then someone at my side says, "there she's gone."

"Gone where? Gone from my sight -- and that is all. She is just as large in mast and spar as she was when she left my side, and just as able to bear her load of living freight to the place of destination. Her diminished size is in me, not in her; and just at that moment when someone at my side says 'There she's gone' there are other eyes watching her coming, and other voices ready to take up the glad shout, 'Here she comes." And that is dying."


It's a cliche, but none of us can ever know with any certainty what the future may bring. Life is a mystery, and living life a constant challenge to complete each day safely and return to the safety of our loved ones...including the dogs, who care little for the nuances of dread or regret, but know merely the anxiety of absence and the anticipation of return. Tail down or tail wagging, we know exactly what HE'S thinking!

The gulls are simply mindless scavengers -- or rather, mindful of the bounty that accompany the ship's return, they circle in anticipation of the feast to come.

The Old Man leans for the support of his cane on the one hand, and with the other both offers his support to the boy and is supported by him. No one knows better than he the dangers of the open ocean, and how quickly they can overwhelm even the most skillful sailor.

The Little Boy is blissfully naive of all these things. He knows only his fathers' strength and his father's courage, and looks forward to the day when he can join him upon the sea and possess those same qualities himself. The thought that his father may one day not return seems very distant and abstract. Yet the touch of his grandfather's hand upon his shoulder leaves him feeling strangely both reassured and restless...eager to make that first voyage outward himself, yet also fearful that he may never get the chance.

As I said before, none of us can ever know with any certainty what awaits us in the future. Still, each day we venture over the horizon brings us new surprises, new challenges,, and perhaps even another bounty to be shared with those around us. Add them all together, one day after another, and that is living. We just get the one life. Let's enjoy as much of it as we can.

A Little Fresh Blood

17 July 2008 at 18:32
Went in yesterday to start my next full cycle of Chemo, only to discover that even after a week's respite my blood counts were WAY too low; so instead of a five hour infusion of chemicals, I ended up back at Maine Medical again (this time thankfully on the "Short Stay" unit) for a six hour transfusion. I was matched and typed, then received two units of blood before being sent home with another week's reprieve.

I've already decided that my donor must have been from another time zone, since I slept in this morning until 11;17, although only after first waking up around 4:30 AM and taking a shower. Fell back to sleep while sitting on my bed trying to get dressed; decided I'd "rest my eyes" for just a moment before trying a second time to get my basketball shorts on, and next thing I know it's nearly noon! So I suppose my transfusion could have also come from a teenager. I mean, what other living creature sleeps until noon and dresses almost entirely in college t-shirts, laceless high-top leather sneakers, and basketball shorts?

So far it seems like a lot of this month has been taken up with the ongoing struggle to find an effective level of pain relief that allows me a meaningful amount of mobility in the world, but still leaves me lucid enough to read and write and communicate effectively without feeling (and sounding) like a zoned-out space-cadet all the time. And that's just the start of it. But I won't go into all the agonizing detail. Let's just say that I've been awake now for four hours, and I'm already ready to take another nap.................

The Skipper, the Professor, the Millionaire....

14 July 2008 at 00:10


Enjoyed a very nice day out on the water this afternoon after church, with my father and my little brother here to push me around -- something they rarely seem to miss a chance doing when the opportunity presents itself. Afterwards, I came home and took a nap -- they should have too, since later on during dinner at Bonobos they were both dog-tired and I was just starting to get my second wind. But no matter. Tonight they both get an early night, and I get a chance to catch up a little with my e-mail and my blogging: two things that always take a bit of a hit when my family is in town.

The ferry ride is basically just an afternoon excursion to nowhere -- we get on the boat in Portland, find a place out of the wind to stow ourselves and our gear, then ride along as the boat makes routine stops at four different islands. As someone in a wheelchair I not only get a discount ticket but my whole party gets priority boarding as well. It's a cheap and easy way to get out and see a little of the bay, and people-watch as well as sight-see on a lovely summer afternoon. It was Jackie's idea (she's the one who took the picture); next goal now is to get mobile enough to take the Downeast DUCK tour, and finally to get on to one of the commercial classic sailing vessels that make similar excursions into Casco Bay. Hey, I've got to have SOMETHING to look forward too, right? Even if it is just "a three-hour cruise, a three-hour cruise...."

Faux Monster

11 July 2008 at 02:39

The replica of Fenway's famous "Green Monster" which stands out in Left Field here in Portland, and gives our young players something to swing for.

So, we finally got a chance to use the tickets we'd won the other night in the Trivia Contest over at Bingas. Kurt and Lynne couldn't make it out again from Seattle (obviously), especially since they already had other plans to celebrate their wedding anniversary (number 27 -- as well as the first wedding eeremony I ever performed as an ordained clergyman to boot); but Erik drove up from Connecticut for a long weekend ahead of a meeting he has next Tuesday in Boston, and to round out our party I invited my soon-to-be-former Landlord from the walk-up West End apartment I love so much but am giving up at the end of the lease this month, along with the President of the Governing Board at church and her husband, the Building and Grounds Chair, and who just so happens to be the contractor who renovated my apartment and put me in touch with my landlord in the first place.

So it was a bit of a working outing, but not really. More like a quick summer check-in and catch-up. Erik and I arrived at the ballpark early to watch batting practice and make certain that we were one of the lucky 1000 souls who received a Justin Pedroia bobblehead on "Bath Savings Institution Justin Pedroia Rookie of the Year Bobblehead night." That made for a great opportunity later in the evening to practice an act of random generosity when I gave our spare bobblehead to a kid dressed in a Dustin Pedroia jersey (and ball cap and mitt) who had driven with his family all the way from Connecticut themselves in hopes of getting a bobblehead, but hadn't quite arrived in time. A lot of the Red Sox's younger players came up through Portland in the past few years: Pedroia, Josh Beckett, Kevin Youkilis and my personal favorite, Jacoby Ellsbury, who not only played college ball at Oregon State University (two-time college World Series Champions: Go Beavs!) but is also (I'm told) the only American Indian currently playing in the Major Leagues.

Anyway, I suppose on one level it was a good thing that the game itself was so bad: Sea Dogs were down 10 runs before they had a single hit, while our opponents (The New Hampshire Fisher Cats -- a Toronto affiliate) were hitting better than .500 against our starting pitcher. Don't know whether that statistic held up, since I ran out of gas and left after the seventh inning stretch, but it didn't look like our guys were going to pull it out any time soon. Still, it was a great outing: good weather, good company, food was (unfortunately) only OK -- even for the ballpark -- a disappointment that was compounded by the fact that I couldn't drink a beer (because of my narcotics). A sausage dog (which tasted a little metallic...a plain hot dog with yellow mustard probably would have been a better choice), some french fries (which were actually pretty good), a diet Coke and later, some soft-serve Ice cream topped with whipped cream and jimmies, served up in a small plastic Sea Dogs batting helmet. So between that, and the bobble-head, and my own Sea Dogs ball cap, I'll have plenty of souvenirs of the game. Even if I can't tell you the names of any of the current players, or what the final score was.

Is there some sort of profound spiritual lesson here? Oh, probably several actually. But don't ask me to spell them all out for you at this time of night. The thing I'm wrestling with right now is whether it is a mistake for me to show my vulnerability to some of my key lay leaders by leaving the game early when I started to feel run down, or if I'm actually demonstrating a different kind of strength by being comfortable with that vulnerability, and listening to it rather than trying to "soldier through" and paying the consequences later. I'm definitely going to try to do this again though soon, and as often as possible. "Take Me Out to the Ball Game...."

The (snail) Mailbox

8 July 2008 at 20:17
I received two REALLY GREAT cards today, which (like most really great cards) simply showed up unexpectedly in my mailbox instead of bills, and inspired me in ways that I certainly wasn't expecting or anticipating. The first was from a current parishioner (and the daughter of one of my predecessors here), which both contained a very touching personal expression of appreciation for me and my ministry, and also sang to me "Day by Day" from the musical "Godspell" -- a song which I also have always loved, although a play which I'm ashamed to say I've never actually seen or heard all the way through... although during roughly that same period of my life I must have worn the groves of my "Jesus Christ Superstar" album down so far that playing it essentially evoked the memory of the music in my mind rather than actually reproducing it anymore.... The second card was even more unexpected, and came from one of my daughter's good friends in Massachusetts, who used to work as a cop in Springfield when Steph was in Graduate School there. On the front there's a picture of a dog with a stethoscope gazing out from a hole in a large apple, with the caption "Scientific evidence now indicates that an APPLE A DAY does indeed keep the DOCTOR AWAY" Open the card and read "the trick is hitting them HARD ENOUGH with the APPLE" accompanied by a drawing of a thrown apple bouncing off of the side of a very surprised Dog/Doctor's head. "OW!" Great stuff....

My mail service here hasn't been too reliable lately, and I'm really getting pretty upset about it -- now that I have the energy to BE upset! My big summer Amazon order made it all the way to the Eastland Hotel (only a few blocks from here, and where I still rent a private study) before the USPS decided that it was "undeliverable" and returned it to the warehouse rather than forwarding it here instead. I know that because I couild TRACK that package; there are still several others (used books from private venders) which have simple disappeared into limbo, and I have no idea even where to begin tracking them down. I've have issues with my internet/cell phone provider as well, but am SO tired of sitting on hold to talk to a person I can hardly understand who tells me that everything will be fine only to find out a month later that nothing has changed at all.... Tired of it!!! And yet -- well, I need to keep reminding myself that having the energy to feel angry and outraged is a GOOD thing... potentially even a HEALING thing... so long as I don't let myself get too distracted by the experience either.

And as for Laurie and Rose and everyone else who has written or e-mailed me privately, I know you're reading this blog, and I want you to know how much I appreciate reading your words as well. At least when they actually arrive! And thanks again for all your encouragement and support. It's truly what inspires me, and keeps me going. Day by Day....

I Want YOU!

4 July 2008 at 14:17



And I knew the moment I saw it that this silly little Uncle Sam hat would come in handy one day. Recently I've been using it just to keep track of my keys and the mail, but it was nice to be able to dump all that stuff on the bed for a moment and use the hat for a quick Independence Day photo op instead. I'm still not exactly sure how I want to spend this day, which is the first day I've had in a long, long time without a single "obligation" -- no medical appointments, no church meetings no errands to run. I do still have a certain amount of "paperwork" to handle (including paying my first of the month bills), but that's something that can easily be procrastinated in deference to more important tasks, like reading, or napping, or writing in my journal. But what to read? What to write? And how long do I REALLY want to nap? And, of course, there are always mealtimes. Institutional life here at the Assisted/Independent Living facility tends to revolve around the cafeteria, just like it did when I lived in college dorms. It's a very odd full circle, at once both familiar and strange.

I heard today that the President is scheduled to be at Montecello to make an appearance at a swearing-in ceremony for a group of newly-naturalized citizens. And I'm almost afraid to hear what he has to say. Yet my illness also gives me a little "critical distance" -- my capacity for outrage is somehow muted by the intimacy of my awareness of my own mortality. I am deeply concerned about what is happening in the world right now: Climate Change, the "War on Terror," $150/barrel oil, not to mention all of the more familiar social problems of Race and Class and Justice and Violence and Poverty and Oppression and Opportunity...and, yes, even Health Care reform. But there is also a certain abstractness to my concern. So I find myself wondering: What WOULD Thomas Jefferson do? Or, for that matter, John Adams (who, like Jefferson, died on this day in 1826 -- the 50th anniversary of the Signing of the Declaration), or any of the other Founding Fathers? But then I also wonder: What does it matter? It's the PRINCIPLES they articulated, not the specific answers they might have arrived at to problems they could never have anticipated, that are ultimately important. Clearly the two are related. And discerning that relationship it the task of true Wisdom...which is why I'm so concerned about what is happening in the world right now....

I've been fascinated by the parallel Unitarianisms of Adams and Jefferson for a long time -- Adams, a life-long member of the First Parish in Quincy; Jefferson, who remained content to be "a Unitarian by myself," and who late in life predicted that Unitarianism would become the general religion of the United States. Jefferson's prophecy has remained notoriously unfulfilled, at least when measured against the membership roles of actual UU churches. Meanwhile, First Parish congregations like the one in Quincy continue to soldier along as they always have, facing many of the same struggles and challenges as they did 200 years ago. Can anyone honestly say today that one of them was more authentically "Unitarian" than the other simply because they belonged to a church? Or is the real question more along the lines of what can our church do to reach out to the majority of self-identified UUs who remain by themselves, yet who might benefit from a closer relationship with others who share their values and principles?

Omigosh, look at the time! Better get down to the cafeteria for lunch!

Blogging Under the Influence

3 July 2008 at 13:05
My friend Ted Anderson writes from Nantucket:

During the mediaeval period being a hero was not only an act of courage, it was terribly isolating. Secular, like Beowulf, or saintly, like George, the hero went alone to meet his dragon. Don't argue. I know Wiglaf went with his uncle to challenge the firedrake. Minor exception. George had a horse. "Truth, like an onion, wears many coats, all of which are hollow." Gilles de Vannes.

The truth is that fighting dragons is isolating. Standing alone to challenge his fate even the bravest hero may expect to experience the feelings you enumerated in your most recent blog: "helpless, abandoned, forgotten." Your actions make it clear that you are none of the above, but looking the dragon in the mouth those feelings rise intellectually unbidden; a reminder that in legend as in life, the mind is never in sole command when confronting a dragon.

Sankaty Sanctus, Ted



A very wise man, this Reverend Anderson. And yes, as he so aptly reminds me, I am well aware of the "heroic" isolation of dragon-slaying. And yet I'm also reminded of how many other people are fighting this same or similar dragons, and how we are all united in our isolation; and also all of the people who are fighting THIS dragon with me...in spirit certainly, or as closely as I can connect with them through this blog and other contacts. The "bad" days are simply part of the ordeal. Everyvbody has them. Without them, some say, the good days would seem pale and hollow too.

Meanwhile, I think I'm going to have to keep a better grip on my Greek Testament. This time it bounced open to Luke 22, where the the last half of verse 42 especially caught my eye: plen me to thelema mou alla to sov ginestho -- "...nevertheless, not my will, but thine, be done." And it's making me wish I'd paid a little better attention in summer school 30 years ago, or at least that I had convenient access to my study aids. Because it sure looks to me like there are those same two words again from the Sheep Pool, only in a slightly different tense. "Are you willing to be made whole?" "Not my will, but thine, be done." What do we really want? How much are we willing to endure? What does it mean "to be made whole," and how much of that process is an act of assertiveness, and how much an act of acceptance? Pick up your pallet and walk. But walk where? periepatei Just walk around.

Also intrigued by the two verses which follow Luke 22:42, which apparently are omitted in some ancient manuscripts. "And there appeared an angel unto him from heaven, strengthening him. And being in an agony he prayed more earnestly; and his sweat was as it were great drops of blood falling down to the ground." Sure sounds to me like those words were written by somebody who knows what they are talking about. Even if they do come with a footnote....

Sankaty Sanctus. Amen.

An important Message from the Commissar of Conviviality

1 July 2008 at 12:49
The good days are all sweetness and light. I feel hopeful, confident, optimistic...smiles come easily, and the future seems bright and sunny. It's the bad days that are killing me. It's not so much about the pain, or the nausea, or the fatigue. Those things come and go as well...and if worst comes to worst, there is always another pill. It's really mostly about feeling afraid. Afraid that things won't get any better. Afraid of being helpless and abandoned and forgotten. Afraid of the bizillion other awful things the imagination can dream up when left alone to its own devices. And I've always had a very vivid imagination....

Meanwhile, the post office has lost two big book orders of mine, as well as a packet of medical bills MFW took with her to organize and return to me nearly a month ago now. Frustrating. Also this past weekend I was up at the Gibson again to receive outpatient heparin injections, which brought back all sorts of interesting memories of the month (more or less) I spent as a patient in that unit. Not exactly Deja Vu all over again, but close. And the pain. And the nausea. And the fatigue. Need to keep reminding myself that it's the cancer that is really hurting; that my "side effects" are actually just an echo of a dying tumor struggling blindly to avoid its own eradication? I like that image. I like that image a lot.

So, maybe it really is just that simple -- as simple as reminding myself it's all in my imagination -- just a bad dream -- and that I have nothing to fear but fear itself Truth is, I really don't have an answer to this conundrum. But I do remember this. The room always seems cooler in the dark. And it doesn't hurt nearly as much with the bright lights on.

Troubled Waters

29 June 2008 at 15:09
Awhile back I received a very inspiring e-mail from a long-time friend of mine in Portland Oregon, herself a cancer survivor, which said in part:

“In my experience, cancer is many things. It is a nuisance, a wake-up call, a spiritual initiation (if you learn to embrace it), a gift and an opportunity for very deep healing on all levels.

You can heal yourself, Tim, and you will be a better, more compassionate, happier person at the end of it. Every cancer patient has to ask a very real question of themselves: "Do I want to live"? If the answer is yes, the next question is "Am I willing to do everything it takes to survive?!" A lot of times there is deep inner emotional healing that needs to take place. Each person is different. You need to access your own inner knowing about what this cancer is about for you.

My most important words of advice to you (for what it is worth): Let the love into your being, Tim. It is all about love. I wish you much learning on your healing journey.”


I’ve been pondering over this e-mail ever since, looking for my own “inner knowing” about my disease and also whatever “deep inner emotional healing” needs to take place in my own life right now. And much of this introspection is also trying to make sense of another strange thing that happened to me just the day before, when I picked up my Greek Testament -- just to move it off my nightstand, really -- and tossed it on the bed, and it fell open to John 5. Not exactly a portion of the Gospel I’ve spent a lot of time with myself, but apparently a favorite passage of the previous owner of this particular volume...and suddenly there I was at the sheep pool at Bethesda among the blind, the halt, and the withered...and there was this same question all over again: theleis (h)ugies genesthai -- “Wilt Thou be Made Whole?”

Then, of course, comes all that business about the troubled waters and no one to help and the legitimacy of working/healing on the Sabbath. But the command is simply “pick up your bed and walk” -- and apparently not down into the healing waters, but to walk away -- back home -- wherever that might be after 38 years. And I’ve never really understood the relationship between the question and the command: “Will you allow yourself to be made whole?” “Then pick up your bed and WALK!” What is the connection between the Wish and the Will? How much of our healing is a product of our own effort, and how much is simply an openness to being and seeing ourselves as whole?

And then there’s that root again: genesthai/be made = Genesis, Generate, Generosity. Seems like that word pops up a lot in my life these days. Anyway, enough of all this. I have other things to muse about this Sunday.

Thank God It's Friday -- I think

27 June 2008 at 22:26
Whew... I just don't know where all my energy has gone, but this has been kind of a busy week, with a fair amount of church work (our DRE's exit interview, a meeting with the Worship Committee, and with a wedding couple), plus a few lunches out (including the Greek Festival at the Orthodox Church just a block up the street from where I'm living) and a whole new medical situation to deal with. Probably ought to talk about the last first, since it is also the most important. I'd been experiencing some pretty serious edema in my left leg, which sure enough turns out to be the result of a deep vein thrombosis blood clot. So now I'm being treated with Coumadin and daily Heparin injections, and trying not to worry too much about a pulmonary embolism. But between that and my regular chemo, I've pretty much been to the doctor's office every day this week, which really cuts into my reading and blogging time. Plus I really am feeling pretty tired, and finding it harder and harder just to get through a lot of my normal "Activities of Daily Living." But enough! Enough. Hopefully this weekend I'll have a chance to get caught up a little and unpacked in my new place, maybe visit a little with Parker, and generally take things a little easier than I have these past few weekends. I may even find the time to blog a little more regularly Little steps, little steps.

Team Isle

24 June 2008 at 03:22
OK, maybe this is all blogworthy, and maybe it's not -- but both my brothers Kurt and Erik and my sister-in-law Lynne have been here visiting me this past weekend, helping me unpack some things at my new garden apartment that until now have been at my other apartment on Carleton. And in the meantime, they've been ferrying me around to some of my favorite haunts from the old neighborhood. Tonight was the climax -- Monday Night Stump Trivia at Binga's Wingas, where I still haven't lost my touch. In fact, with the support of my siblings we shattered my old record with a contest-winning 124 points, blowing away our closest competition ("My Couch Pulls Out But I Don't") by 21. Our prize: five free tickets to see the Sea Dogs play next month -- which of course is the one thing we all really wanted to do together as a family while everyone was HERE, only to discover that the Pups themselves were scheduled to be on the road this entire time.

In any event, I know it's goofy, but I can't tell you how good it makes me feel to go out on a Monday night with my family and win this silly little trivia game. Can't tell you how good it felt to see my friends sitting at the bar in their usual spots, and to be greeted by the wait-staff, and simply to enjoy being in the company of a lot of other people who are all having a similarly good time. And I can see why people sometimes compare their favorite hangouts to "going to church," because a lot of those same elements are present, right down to the little rituals around where one sits and how often one goes and what one does when one gets there. It truly does "bind us again" to simple touchstones of community which extend beyond ourselves alone. Of course, there are differences too -- big differences. But that doesn't mean there isn't room in our lives for both.

Lot's of other things to blog about too, but I'm tired and think I probably ought to go to bed. That is, if the "thrill of victory" doesn't keep me up with excitement all night long! I'm very proud of "Team Isle." Our opposition didn't stand a chance. And just think: from their perspective, if we hadn't just randomly wandered into Binga's tonight, they might have been the ones staying up late dreaming of Minor League baseball....

June 21st, 1985

21 June 2008 at 21:32


Shortly after midnight at the Peachtree Plaza Hotel in Atlanta, Georgia. Good Lord -- where did I find that jacket, and how could Margie have possibly agreed to let me wear it it public? And on my wedding day no less? Bonus Points to anyone who can identify the two gentlemen seated on either side of the aisle in the front row (answer will be provided in a subsequent post). And thanks again to my good friend and seminary classmate Judy Meyer, who officiated at this late-night ceremony on the longest day of the year, and reminded me that there was indeed photographic evidence to prove it!

Moving Day (yet once again)

21 June 2008 at 08:29
And I suppose just because I'm having a little trouble finding anything profound to say, doesn't mean I shouldn't blog about the mundane.

Yesterday was yet once again Moving Day: this time into what I'm thinking of as the "garden apartment" -- gave up my 4th floor view for a 1st floor balcony, which in the long run will also make it much easier for me to have Parker back with me full-time. She was up here for a few hours on Wednesday afternoon, just hanging out at the Membership Committee meeting and enjoying the last few bites of a roast beef sandwich.. and I got the funniest look from her as she was being hooked back up to her leash by her caregiver: a puzzled little look over her left shoulder as if to say "Well, why aren't YOU coming?" before she trotted out the door. Wish I could have photographed it, because the expression was unmistakable. Yet another illustration of the deep and profound symbiotic relationship between Homo sapiens and Canis familiaris. Miss having the critter here with me, but like so many other things in my life right now, I'm just not capable of doing that 24/7 -- and so I'm very lucky and fortunate to have people in my life who are will to step up and step in and take her (and all the accompanying responsibilities of caring for a 13 year old dog) into their own homes. And Parker herself really seems to be thriving: she's lost about 5 lbs I would guess (about 20% of her body weight) and is looking like a puppy again. But she also still suffers from her own hip and back problems, and (like Daddy) sure seems to appreciate plenty of opportunity to nap in the middle of the afternoon.

The other thing that has really been slowing me down this week has been a pronounced edema in my left leg, which has been accompanied by the return of often acute pain all up and down that same leg and in my lower back, which in turn (as you might imagine) has slowed me down considerably in my routine "Activities of Daily Living." Combine that with quite a few outside medical appointments (well, a CT scan plus a hearing test Wednesday -- they like to jam them in on my "off" treatment weeks)) and my regular PT and hectic social schedule...and I've been struggling a little to keep up. It's going to take me a little while longer before I really feel like I've settled in here as well. But I do think I'm going to like it. And unlike the other room, here on the First floor I do enjoy AORTA - 24/7 Always On Real Time Access to the internet. Which will make it an awful lot easier to sit up in bed and blog at 4 in the morning...which yes, people, is EXACTLY what I am doing right now.

Today is the Summer Solstice: the beginning of summer, the longest day of the year, what would have been (and I suppose still is) my 23rd Wedding Anniversary. Both brother Erik from Connecticut and brother Kurt and his wife Lynne from Seattle are here for the long weekend to hang out and enjoy it with me, as well as to help out with the transition from my old accommodations to my new ones. I'm afraid I haven't really been the best of company so far, but I'm hoping that will all change soon. It the meantime, I'm trying to keep that left leg elevated as much as I can, and looking forward to the dawn. Which (because this IS the longest day of the year) will no doubt be here a lot more quickly than we imagine.

A hand-made pop-up card

19 June 2008 at 23:12

From my Aunt. The text reads "May the rough waters of today diminish and return you to good health and smooth sailing soon."

Father's Day

15 June 2008 at 19:33
And just enough time here for a little light ramble before supper. Been thinking a lot about Fatherhood this Father's Day -- my own father and grandfathers, and what they taught me "by precept and example," and how that has shaped me for good or ill; my own role as a step-father to two pretty remarkable children now turned young adults; the many mentors I have enjoyed, both men and women, who have helped guide me in my life both personally and professionally; and my own gradual adjustment to that role in the lives of others, and how rewarding that has been in its own right. And I don't know that I have anything especially profound to add to the public discussion of these issues; my thoughts and experiences are pretty mundane and run-of-the-mill I should think. I have once again been truly blessed by the generosity of others, for which my ONLY appropriate response is one of gratitude.

But the main thing I've been thinking of is how the fundamental asymmetrical nature of the mentoring relationship is both a blessing and potentially a curse, depending on how well healthy boundaries are respected. The potential for abuse is staggering. But when we recognize that boundaries are both the place where we meet as well as the border which allows us each to maintain our own integrity...well, it costs so little to be a mentor (take a genuine interest, be generous and available, but never meddle or -- God forbid! -- manipulate...especially in the decision-making process), and yet it means so much to the protégé. And likewise, mentors get so much back from the relationship as well, while all the protégés have to do is be honest to themselves!

And in many ways it's the same for Parenthood, although much more intense. One of the strange fringe-benefits of my illness is that I've been spending a lot more time together with my Dad, whom I have rarely seen for longer than a day or two at a time since leaving the Pacific Northwest for Graduate School in 1978. In that same period I spent LOTS of time with my Mom: lived with her on several occasions, traveled with her in Europe and around the US -- that sort of thing. So spending this time with my Dad has been a real gift, which I hope we will both be able to enjoy the benefits of for a long, long time.

So two cheers for Patriarchy...and let's just try to work out that last little bit among us so that everyone feels OK and harmony in the family can be restored. And Happy Father's Day everyone!!

Big Tim's Bait & Tackle Shop

14 June 2008 at 14:32
I actually met Tim Russert once. On Nantucket, in the vestibule of the Unitarian Church on Orange Street, on a warm summer evening in 2003. We were hosting a Caribbean Gospel Concert -- a sort of open-ended, open microphone with dozens of acts that lasted for hours and pretty much flowed out into the street and back into the church again until well after midnight.

I was the minister, but that night I was serving as the sexton and keeping an eye on things from the back of the church...so of course when he wandered in I recognized him right away, and greeted him with that knowing nod I'm sure he saw hundreds of times a day. Then he noticed my T-shirt -- "Big Tim's Bait & Tackle Shop" -- and asked me where I'd gotten it. And I told him it had been a gift from my daughter, who lived off-Island, which I think disappointed him. I think I was hoping for an actual bait shop. Or at least a local T-shirt store (of which there are certainly no shortage on Nantucket).

He hung around for awhile listen to the music, and then eventually drifted away to whatever else he had to do that evening. I feel such sympathy right now for his family, for his friends and colleagues, for everyone who felt like they could trust him to tell the truth about what was happening in Washington DC. He's one member of the press I'm certainly very grateful I had a chance to meet. I'm just relieved he didn't ask me for the shirt off my back. 'Cause I probably would have given it to him....

False Starts

13 June 2008 at 21:41
So, three false starts already to this blog this week, and who's to say this won't be a fourth? But it's been kind of a hard week for mel, with my emotions all very close to the surface...all wrapped up in a tight little parcel around the ending of the church year, and all of the transitions and leave-taking and emotional closure that happens around this time.

One of the most difficult things about my job is that no matter how well I think we are doing in the area of "retention," about 10% (or more!) of a congregation's membership turns over every year -- perhaps 5% to death, and the other 5% to various other factors, many of which are positive -- new jobs, new opportunities, that sort of thing. But this year those transitions have seemed particularly profound, especially since they've involved so many staff and leadership transitions as well, and the challenge of filling the institutional needs brought about by my illness.

And then there's my own growing realization that I'm going to have to give up my apartment. Or starting the process of filing a long-term disability claim...which is psychologically VERY difficult even though it is obvious to everyone that I am physically incapable even of getting to and from my "job," much less performing it at 100%. But this too just reinforces my own feelings of helplessness, and isolation, and dependency, and frustration....

And yes, I keep trying to come to grips with the difference between "adversity" and "catastrophe" -- and to keep reminding others not to stray over to the dark side of that line, but to remain confident that these present challenges will only make us stronger. Still, it's hard not to look out my window on a beautiful day like today and remember what my life was like just six, or twelve, or even three months ago. And what I NEED to be thinking about is what I want my life to be like three, or six, or twelve months from NOW. I WILL feel better at the end of this ChemoRx. Need to look forward to THAT day, rather than back at days that will never come again.

And just when you think there's no hope left in the world, the Celtics come back from a 35-14 First Quarter deficit to beat the Lakers handily on their own floor in Game Four. And even though I was hoping to see a seven-game series, and thought that the Lakers First Quarter run was a work of art (especially since Kobe Bryant didn't score a single basket), I would have loved to have seen what the Celtics did in the Third Quarter to match it...but instead I'd gone upstairs to bed, since I was feeling a little tired and didn't want to "push it," And was that the right decision or not? Well, who knows? I need to remind myself of this though: there is always a second half to be played, and I've got plenty of firepower on the bench. Defend, Rebound, Run the Floor, Share the Ball, Attack the Basket, Make the Extra (but not the EXCESS) Pass to Earn an Easy Score. It really is a very simple game. But so elegant and graceful in its balance and athleticism....

I'm so sick and tired...

9 June 2008 at 22:32
of feeling sick and tired. And that's the bottom line, not to put too fine a point on it. Not that I'm whining or anything. Except, of course, that's exactly what I'm doing. Mostly because I can't really think of anything better to do.

Here are a couple of other things I've noticed too. It always hurts a little less with the lights on. And it always feels a little cooler in the dark. And as for this business about misery loving company, I'm still not really sure what to make of that. It's always nice to have someone to commiserate with, provided they are reasonably congenial themselves. But I would certainly hate for anyone else to have to go through the kind of "puniness" I've been going though just so that I could have a little company. And sometimes, frankly, it's also nice just to sit in the dark and suffer in silence. You know, sulk...but in a spiritually-superior fashion, in some kinda "Dark Knight of the Soul" via negativa midnight vigil sort of way....

I also wonder whether anyone has really done a scientific study about the therapeutic efficacy of kvetching? I know they've studied faith and prayer and religious "connection," marriage and optimism and sense of humor...but what about good old fashion flat-out plain complaining? Onryness. Whatever. Why does it always have to be about light and hope and positive thinking? Off the record, I'm pretty certain I know of at least one or two people who are simply too mean-spirited EVER to give up the ghost....

It's happiness that loves company. And what I miss most now that I'm not my "normal" self is being able simply to take myself out on a night like this to some public place (like Bingas or Bonobo) and have something to drink and a bite to eat and just hang out in the presence of other people who know who I am and who are there for the same reasons I am...and to laugh and play a little Trivia and then to walk back home to a good night's sleep in my own bed again. And what makes me sad is not just knowing that I'm not going to be doing that tonight, but understanding that even if I were to TRY to do it tonight, it would be an ordeal rather than a pleasure...because I'm physically just not up to it. And it's that little piece of knowledge that makes me feel sad, and leaves me feeling isolated and alone, in the dark and not the pink....

Six. Seven. Eighty-One....

7 June 2008 at 13:31
Which just so happens to be the 27th anniversary of my ordination to the ministry at the First & Second Church in Boston, as well as (when you toss in the three years I spent at Harvard as a Divinity Student) the culmination of my third decade of service "in the pastoral office." And it's hard not to associate this same season of the year with the relatively recent deaths of two of my earliest mentors in Ministry: Rhys Williams and Peter Raible; as well as the death of my mother just this past year. 27 years ago my mom and I spent those next few days down on Martha's Vineyard with her father's cousins Al and Maggie Glotzer, before attending General Assembly together in Philadelphia and flying back home to the Pacific Northwest, where I officiated at my brother Kurt's wedding in Seattle. That marriage is still going strong, so I must have done SOMETHING right. Or maybe we all just got lucky.


Here's another interesting little tidbit inspired by that era of my life: "The Heart of a Champion" Enjoy!

Too Sick for the Celtics

6 June 2008 at 04:50
Well no, not quite. But I did lie down in my overstuffed reclining chair to rest my eyes for a few hours, and ended up sleeping through the whole first half. But I thought the half of basketball I was awake for was quite exciting, and ended up with the Celtics defending their home court in a forceful way. So, I'm looking forward to another few weeks of this.

The Chemo is the Chemo. I just keep reminding myself that no matter how bad I feel, the cancer feels worse.

June So Soon?

2 June 2008 at 22:38
And it looks like I am lapsing into a Monday, Wednesday, Friday posting cycle...which may or may not be sustainable...or enough. It's not as if I don't have plenty to write about. But the more I have to write about, the less time I have to write about it...and so it spirals down and down and down into the dungeon...or maybe up and up and up to the steeple instead. I guess I kinda like the second image a little better. Right now all I really know is that my legs are really sore.

Day surgery at Maine Med this morning/afternoon to have a Medi-Port installed for my chemotherapy. I THINK that's how it's spelled. No worries, no hassles, no complications...and everyone assures me that life will be much easier from here on out, tough stick that I am. Yesterday's Religious Education Service was also really a delight; "YADRE" (Young Adult Director of Religious Education) Rebecca Hinds preached an excellent homily first time out of the gate, and it really made me feel proud...both for her, and for having had the...well, let's call it wisdom...to hire her in the first place. And her invented acronym really cracked me up, since around my family we are already Madre (Margaret), Padre (moi) and Daughdre (Stephenie -- also sometimes spelled Dadre). So now another nickname for the list!

This has been a tough year on our entire staff, both because of my illness and because we are all basically brand new here, myself obviously included. I haven't been around the past six months to mentor Rebecca like I assured her I would when we hired her, and yet she has done an excellent job of finding the resources she needs in the congregation and among her local colleagues. And the same could also be said of our new administrator, Barbara Simons, whose job this year quite frankly has been simply overwhelming, especially since my first "supervisory" instruction to her was basically "go figure out what this job is all about and come back and tell me what it is." Charlie Grindle -- our interim Music Director -- is at least an experienced hand, but has been away at his own seminary program and well out of the loop at First Parish until last December. So it is really only our sexton, Moe Blanchard, who has any significant contiguous time in the job. So yes, lots of miscues and dropped balls. But you know, we made it anyway. And now it's almost time to start putting things to bed, and planning what we want to do both the same and differently next year.

Anyway, heavy chemo Wednesday, Flower Communion (and the Annual Meeting and Annual Picnic) Sunday, and then we are technically into the Summer Services: Fathers Day on the 15th, Pride Sunday on the 22nd; depending on how I'm feeling, I may actually attempt a "rehab" sermon on July 6th, when we would otherwise probably just not open the doors. That's still aways away though. And if I've learned ANYTHING from this illness, it's that I shouldn't try to plan these things TOO far ahead....

"ROOTS AND FRUITS" (Rebecca Hinds, DRE)

1 June 2008 at 17:00
a sermon preached by Rebecca Hinds,
Director of Religious Education, at
the First Parish Church in Portland, Maine
Sunday June 1, 2008

This morning we have so much to be joyful for. This community, this sacred space, is blessed today with the presence and energy of our children and youth. We have rejoiced in our recognition of the dedication and commitment of our fine RE teachers and volunteers. This is truly a day for celebration.

For those of you who may not have young children or who may be new to First Parish, this business of “RE” probably sounds a bit confusing. You may not be the only one asking yourself, what does RE stand for? Well, today we speak about Religious Education.

Sometimes I feel like the Alphabet Soup of Unitarian Universalism is no where more prevalent than it is in the world of Religious Education. In the last few months as my friends and family have asked me what exactly this new job I have is, it usually takes at least a few minutes to explain precisely what my position as “DRE of a UU church” is all about. When I first began connecting with other local DREs you can imagine my surprise (and delight) upon discovering that not only am I part of a community of DREs, but I am also part of a network of Y.A.D.R.E.s. That is Young Adult Directors of Religious Education. We call ourselves YADREs.

So, what is Religious Education and why does it matter?

It is my belief that everything we do here at First Parish — everything — is Religious Education.

I speak from the perspective of someone who was raised in a UU church.

I speak remembering how difficult it was to explain my religious identity to other children on my block and in my school.

I speak as a former youth group leader and young adult who remained active in her church during the years when most Young Adults drop out of the movement.

And I speak this morning as a DRE who yearns for the kind of education and exploration that will light our spirits on fire.

Throughout this hour together the members of the RE Community and I will be sharing and articulating different visions of Religious Education, allow me to share one with you one that I am particularly fond of. The Rev. Sylvia Stocker once said, “Within a covenantal community, Unitarian Universalist religious education provides tools for individuals of all ages to touch and deepen their inner spirits, to access a sense of awe in the face of mystery and grace beyond human understanding, and to discover and serve the world beyond the church doors. Our goal is to help people grow into their best selves. We learn from direct experience of the world, from world religions, from the stories of wise people, both within our tradition and outside it, and from establishing and living into covenants with one another. ”

Our goal is to help people grow into their best selves.

To that end, RE cannot simply happen during that activity called “Sunday School.” Other denominations may reduce Sunday School and education to book learning and memorization, but as UUs we dare to believe in the radical idea that RE is a lifelong process of growth and a yearning for spiritual depth.

As I mentioned earlier, I grew up in a UU church. I regularly attended Sunday School as a child. In Jr. High and High School I looked forward to Youth Group every week. I have often reflected on my experiences as a young UUer. What was it about the church that kept me going, even in those later years when my parents decided that going to church was no longer important? Was it an intellectual passion for the UU history we studied? Was it the sense of tradition I encountered? Was it the sense of awe and appreciation I developed for the outdoors as we explored the natural world? Maybe it was merely the fun I had with other, like-minded kids. The strongest case, I used to imagine, was that I loved the feeling of being able to make a difference as my church engaged in social action and justice making activities within the larger community. In my experience, being raised a UU provided me with an understanding of activism and the critical need for a liberal religious voice promoting peace and justice in the world. I wanted to change the world and the church gave me a voice.

All of those truly awesome components of my UU background held me in the movement.

But my point is this. At its most basic level, Religious Education and the programming that kept me and will keep all of our young people involved at First Parish is not the curriculum, the teaching method or even the message itself. RE is about community. It is about finding support in our most vulnerable endeavors, those of the spirit.

In my childhood church I felt profoundly held by a loving community.

I felt safe at church.

I knew that the adults deeply cared about me.

And most importantly, I felt supported during the intense joys and sorrows of adolescents.

Of course I will never forget all of the fun my friends and I had. The camping trips, the music we made, the games we played, the anti-war group we formed at school. All of these playful, joyful aspects of Religious community are essential. But UU communities really thrive when children and adults feel safe enough to fully explore their identities and spiritual, religious beliefs.

Religious Education, therefore is not just about what happens on Sunday morning — in this sanctuary, or upstairs in our RE classrooms. Religious education happens, for all of us, everyday. Everything we do at First Parish and as a community is fertile ground for learning. Religious Education occurs in that liminal space between each of us as we create a safety-net for Religious Exploration.

In her essay Doorway to the Sacred, Makanah Elizabeth Morriss writes, “religious education is all about unlocking people…unlocking doors of creative possibilities, unlocking minds with new ideas and the permission to think for oneself, unlocking hearts that may have been hurt by life’s experiences so that healing may occur and joy and compassion may be experienced more fully.”

On this passage Rev. Stocker responds, “I believe that kind of unlocking can only occur when people feel safe. Perhaps one of our growing edges as a denomination is to learn how to build for adults the kinds of safe havens we expect for our children. Because, after all doesn’t everyone deserve to feel held and nurtured? Doesn’t everyone deserve to become his or her best self? If we learn how to be a community that nurtures its members and helps them to blossom, isn’t that one of the ultimate goals of religious education? If we can harness the nurture and love of our community to grow our souls, isn’t that one of the ultimate goals of religious education?”

In our Religious Education programming for children and youth, our young people grow accustomed to talking about theology. This is what kept me going to church as I young person. I needed a place and a community with whom I could discusses matters of spirit and religion. I welcomed the opportunity to debate deep theological issues.

Here at First Parish, children are likewise encouraged to ask questions — to think about and explore their own personal beliefs and theology. RE class is a safe space for children to play, learn, and grow.

Over the years I’ve noticed that many adult Unitarian Universalists appear uncomfortable and shy away from discussions of theology. To be sure, each adult who has made it through our doors has a story to tell about the spiritual journey that brought them here. Many members have stories of exodus and pain from past religious experiences. To those people, our congregation offers support and love. We offer an ear to listen to your story, and a safe haven to create a new spiritual story.

But where, then, is our common ground? At what point do we stop talking about where we have been and what we are not, and begin a discussion about who we are and what we have in common?

As a child, I distinctly remember explaining to my Catholic and Christian friends that I was a UU because I did not believe in whatever issue it was that they were pressing me on. Of course no child may be able to articulate the complex theology and history of Unitarian Universalism, but to any child or adult out there who struggles with the question “what do UUs believe in?” You can always say this. Unitarian Universalists believe in YOU.

Likewise, this church believes in you. Each one of you. Each and every child and teenager and adult in this sanctuary has a beloved community behind them encouraging them to religious exploration and spiritual depth.

How do we grow into our best selves? We continue learning. We push forward. Our religious identity and experience is constantly evolving. We are on this journey together and when we need it, we have one another.

If Religious Education is all about unlocking people, let’s make that happen at First Parish. Let us engage together in the risky business of opening our hearts and discovering the content of our souls.

In each of our encounters, at all of our committee meetings, music rehearsals, pancake breakfasts, and every other activity, may we be held in beloved community, with permission to ask the tough questions and talk about theology.

May this be a church where children, youth, and adults are supported, minds are inspired and opportunities for growth never cease. May we be cradled in the safety-net of community in our never-ending journey of religious education.

Interdependent Living

30 May 2008 at 12:32
When I first started exploring moving here to Seventy Five State Street while receiving Chemotherapy this summer, I was told I had my choice between two levels of service: "Assisted Living," which included a great deal of nursing care and various other 24/7 personal services; and "Independent Living," which is basically a furnished apartment, three meals a day, weekly housekeeping service and transportation to and from my medical appointments. Naturally I chose the latter, especially since it was half the price, and in an emergency I can always call upon the nursing staff anyway and settle up the bill at the end of the month.

But the truth is (and despite receiving an "A+" from my Occupational Therapist on my ADLs/"Activities of Daily Living"), I'm not really "independent." I doubt any of us are. I need assistance; I need help with such basic things as keeping track of all my prescriptions and medical bills, making my bed, picking up my room, cleaning out the fridge of uneaten leftovers. Not to mention the really important things. My dependence upon the assistance and good-will of others is staggering. And it is my recognition of that dependence/interdependence which forms the foundation of my theology of Gratitude, Generosity, Humility and Service.

Of course, those old-time, old-school "classical" corpse-cold Unitarians of the "Golden Age" used to talk about these same values in terms of "Self-Culture" -- the development or "cultivation" of our souls, through a series of probationary "trials," into mature spirits worthy of thinking of ourselves (and behaving) as God's children. The emphasis we read so often in the inspirational literature of those days on self-discipline and individual self-reliance. service, self-sacrifice and "being of use" are all part of this larger paradigm regarding what it means to be privileged members of a larger community, and an accompanying sense of noblesse oblige -- the conviction that of those to whom much has been given, much will be expected. Advantages do not free us from our obligations. If anything, they only make them stronger.

That's the old-school way. How ironic that so many of those dead white males (Theodore Parker and Henry Ware Jr. among them) died so young....

When the Student is Ready

28 May 2008 at 20:32
...the Teacher will appear. How often have I heard and seen that old proverb? And yet in my experience truer words were never spoken. Here's the more interesting question. How does one know when it is time to put in an appearance as a teacher? Or is this likewise just part of the on-going, disciplined learning process, in that I always tend to learn far more from those I teach than I feel I impart to them myself.

I'm still pretty much on the steep slope of the learning curve when it comes to being a cancer patient/survivor, and so far I've enjoyed the benefit of a lot of different teachers. But there's a price to be paid for every lesson learned as well, often accompanied by physical pain. Like a lot of "healthy" Americans, I had been in the habit of "multi-tasking" -- which is basically a tired euphemism for trying to do more than one thing at once in the attempt to crowd too much activity into too little time. And what I am discovering is that this is rarely a good idea -- especially when it comes to living with a serious illness -- even though it may seem like you would want to try to crowd as much as you can into whatever time you have left. But even the natural, subconscious reaction of getting up a running start before hitting a bump in the road typically hurts a lot more than it is worth. Much better simply to slow down, take a good look at the situation, and then cross over the obstacle as gently and smoothly as possible...at least if you're the one in the wheelchair!

So now I'm trying to learn how to take that lesson to heart...and how to teach it to those around me. I need to figure out how to live a more "spiritual" lifestyle focused on feeling "centered" rather than accomplishing a lot of "tasks" -- a lifestyle that is at once less hectic and yet ultimately more productive, and which includes plenty of time for activities like reading, writing, meditation and contemplative reflection, as well as opportunities for exercise, physical therapy, and the like. A long nap in the middle of the afternoon? Why not? Especially since not taking the nap means paying the price of that overindulgence later.

In any event, Worship Committee meeting tonight; thank God they have all agreed to come here. I really am proud of my people. I'm trying to keep up. Or at least to keep my eyes open until 9 pm.....

Memorial Day

26 May 2008 at 12:43
Thought I'd make just a quick entry here, since the weather is beautiful, I'm expecting even more out-of-town visitors, and really don't intend to spend too much more of my day huddled over a computer screen rather than engaging with the real world face to face. But I do want to report that I was feeling good enough yesterday morning to attend church, and had a very lovely time: heard colleague Peter Richardson preach (as you might imagine) a VERY solid sermon on "the inherent worth and dignity of every person," and just delighted in being part of the congregation. And, of course, left feeling more energized and inspired when I arrived...which was a nice reminder that this is how I want EVERYONE who worships with us at First Parish on a Sunday Morning to feel as they return to the world afterwards.

And then, when I returned home (for those of you who don't religiously read all of the comments to this blog as well as the blog itself) I found this waiting for me:

You are an amazing man. Maybe you'd rather be blogging about living on a boat, floating free of of the constraints of a land bound life, but the humor and honesty and love with which you tell your story is both heartwarming and heartbreaking. I do live on a boat and have the life you dream of so please allow me share it with you vicariously. Welcome aboard! Kathleen Jones www.dejavuchronicles.blogspot.com

So part of yesterday afternoon at least I was able to spend in the Western Caribbean, enjoying the virtual hospitality of some expatriate Maniacs with whom the blogosphere has somehow mysteriously connected me simply because of shared interests, a common passion, and some some sort of mutual acquaintance. Just Like Church.

And then finally, this from the UU World. I've been a huge admirer of Forrest Church since the moment I met him back in 1978, when I had first started working with Rhys Williams as a Harvard Divinity School Field Education Student intern at the First & Second Church in Boston, and Forrest had just left his position there as the Assistant Minister in order to become the Minister at All Souls. This was all a little controversial at the time, because Forrest had not been through the MFC and was not in Fellowship with the UUA, and had basically been put forward by Rhys for the vacant pulpit at All Souls outside of "official" UUA channels. Had I known then what I understand now about the historical connections between All Souls and the Second Church in Boston, I probably wouldn't have felt quite so scandalized by all that as I felt at the time, even though subsequent events I think have shown pretty dramatically that (notwithstanding Forrest's own human foibles) Rhys's instincts were correct. Gosh -- 30 years ago. Pretty amazing when you stop to think about it.

Ended up the day with a road trip to Bonobos -- the local pizza restaurant where I often ate dinner on Sunday evenings "back in the day" before my diagnosis. Afterwards, Erik and I kicked back to watch the first three quarters of the Lakers/Spurs game, at which point I simply couldn't hold my eyes open any longer, and called it a night. But Bonobos was another great morale booster -- barely accessible, but we managed...and while we were there I met someone sitting at the next table who has just moved to the West End from San Diego in the past week, where she had been a member of the Unitarian Universalist Congregation there for over a decade! So another serendipitous encounter on the wheelchair ramp of life. It's one of the great things I love about living in the city, and one of the things I miss most about not being able to get around too much on my own any more.

Or at least not for the time being....

Breaking News

24 May 2008 at 12:52
The story I was anticipating in last week's Portland Press Herald finally appeared in this morning's paper; a very sympathetic and even flattering portrait of our congregation, I think; and it has briefly made me a small celebrity down at the breakfast table. I won't say "short-lived" celebrity, because I don't want to lift-up any of those other connotations, but let's just say that already whatever gloria might have been attatched to me from being front page news (well, the front of the RELIGION page) is already transiting.

I was especially interested in the way the reporter handled the business about the boat, which I'm discovering is a theme that seems to connect on a variety of different levels with a lot of different people. It's simply something I've had the notion to do for a long time: maybe just for a summer, maybe for a year or two, maybe for a lot longer depending on how it goes. But the fact that it makes such an excellent metaphor for so many of the other things people struggle with as they struggle against illness now gives that daydream a whole different trajectory, as well as pointing to some the skills and values people draw upon to help them survive. What does it feel like to be a small, leaking vessel on the vast, empty ocean? And will tenacity, good seamanship, and a bounty of optimistic hope be enough to bring us home again?

Steph left this AM at Zero-Dark-Hundred to attend her 10th Mount Holyoke College reunion, and especially to march in this morning's Laurel Parade. Again, I would have loved to have been in the condition to drive out there with her, attend a few of the ceremonies, and just spend a little more quality family time with much beloved daughter with whom I am well pleased. Instead, here's a photo of Margie and me from a MHC event ten years ago; can't remember whether it was this weekend or one of the parent's day functions, but for some reason I'm thinking this. Have a lot more photos of that weekend as well, but not on this computer. Where ARE those flash drives when you really need them?



In any event, took Steph out to a very nice dinner at a local restaurant named Katahdin instead; $100 check for two WITHOUT wine (I'm not allowed because of the narcotics, and she's trying to eliminate alcohol, caffeine, refined sugar and dairy from her diet), but I think we got our money's worth. Steph had salmon and I had a steak, and of course we had to share. But I did feel a little guilty eating the homemade coffee ice cream afterwards while she sipped water with a wedge of lemon.

Weather here Memorial Day weekend is supposed to be fantastic, and my brother Erik is driving up today from Connecticut to enjoy it with me, so I may have to take a little vacation from being a Cancer Patient and enjoy myself a little too. I wonder whether the Sea Dogs are in town. Today I feel good enough I might actually be able to make it out for a game.

Luvyabye!

22 May 2008 at 23:02
Finally got back into my study at the Eastland today for the first time since the weekend before I moved here to 75 State, when My Favorite Wife and Numba One Son managed to accomplish what was (for me, at least) potentially the most emotionally demanding aspect of this entire experience, which was helping me sort through and store many of my books and personal papers, which needed to be moved out of the way so that I might eventually become to move into that space later this summer. I can't BEGIN to tell you how stressful that was for me...for everyone, really...especially given the common emotional dynamic that one man's treasures are often his ex-wife's garbage/garage sale...but somehow we managed to work it out (despite Jacob's undisguised disgust with my over-the-top packratishness, and what I was sure at one point was going to be an outright mutiny); but now, two weeks later, I can really appreciate how hard they worked to make me happy, and how happy I am with the result. The place looks great! I can hardly wait to be independent enough to get there more regularly on my own, and and get back to work surrounded by all my books and papers. Peter Raible used to tell me that no one ever went to their deathbed wishing they'd spent more time at the office. But I may be the exception that proves the rule.

This was kind of a busy day for me medically as well. Daughter Stephenie is here in town en route to her 10 year Mount Holyoke College reunion, so she got stuck carting me around to various errands and appointments today like a soccer mom -- medical supply store, my study, Chemo appointment and a pharmacy run -- once again we've tweaked my narcotics in order to try to get better pain control for this "thing" with my back, and are starting to talk again about some additional treatments that might restore a little more structure and stability to the bone which has been eaten away by the tumor. Moreover, because I'm such a "tough stick," it looks like they are going to try to fit me for a port in my chest where I can receive the IVs more comfortably and conveniently; and they've also ordered me an actual hospital bed again to see if maybe I can sleep for longer than two or three hours at a time at night. Of course, on that front there's also the whole issue of my (currently) untreated sleep apnea, and getting back in to see the Pulmonologist about that again. Good new is that today's Chemo was the light one, and next week I get a week off from treatment altogether. Then we're on to the second cycle...and the third, and the fourth....

Whew! Anyway, I also had a very nice smile today listening to my daughter talking on her cell phone, and overhearing the familiar "luvyabye" at the end of the call. God knows how this became our little family sign-off; it's so familiar to us all it sometimes seems to me that we hardly hear it, but it was very strange to hear it out loud rather than over the phone myself; and when I mentioned it to Steph she remarked about how many of her friends think it's kind of cool how routinely our family tells one another that we love them and are proud of them...it may SEEM routine to us, almost hardly worth mentioning, and yet in families where it never gets mentioned at all....well, I guess it seems very different indeed. Anyway, just something I've been thinking about while sitting with a needle in my arm reading in Sports Illustrated about the Greatest Football Game Ever Played, the 1958 NFL championship game between the Colts and the Giants. My earliest childhood memory, actually; although mostly what I remember was how excited my father and grandfather were.....

Luvyabye!

From Pig-Headed to Bull-Headed to Mule-Headed...

21 May 2008 at 10:05
Today's lead was a simple one: "Despite being trounced in the Oregon primary, Hillary Clinton won't throw in the towel yet." Why? Who cares? It's embarrassing. For EVERYONE. And it really misses the point. This election isn't about who can win, or even who deserves to to be the nominee. It's about turning around eight years of disastrous policy fiascos that have even die-hard, died-in-the-wool multi-generation Republicans shaking their heads in shame and wondering what has become of the Grand Old Party they once new and loved. It's going to take leadership, but it's also going to take teamwork, and the best efforts and contributions of everyone who loves this country and what it stands for to put it right again.

Which is why I'm so mystified by Mrs. Clinton. Does she honestly believe that the ONLY position she is qualified to play in this next administration is QB 1? I've got news you Ma'am, and I"m sorry to have to be the one to share it. But most coaches I know only have one position on their team for a "team player" with THAT kind of attitude. It's warming the splinters at the far end of the bench....

Happy Birthday, Jimmy Doyle!

20 May 2008 at 22:20
Recently I've taken a little pride in the mathematics that if you include the time I spent in seminary, 2008 marks the beginning of the third decade I have spent in "ministry," broadly defined. But just to put that in context, today one of my "messmates" here at 75 State Street celebrated is 93rd birthday...which means that he has been RETIRED from his career as a US Postal Service letter carrier (and supervisor) for longer than I've served in mine. Which is humbling, to say the least.

And such a great guy too -- sharp as a tack and with lots of stories to tell, a huge family he is enormously proud of, a good appetite, and (to paraphrase John Huston from "Chinatown") he still has a few teeth in his head...and a few friends in town. His biggest complaint? Same as mine, really -- impatience that it is taking him so long to recuperate from his most recent stay in the hospital....

My two other messmates (I'm not really certain what else to call them) are also interesting in their own right: John is also in his 90's, also a retired letter carrier, and also has stories to tell...although he is really more of an observer than a storyteller, and thus a wealth of information about other people here in this community. Jeff is kind of a mystery -- younger, I think, even than me, and not especially forthcoming about anything that matters, although always with something to say about sports, the menu, the weather, whatever. Not even John has him figured out yet. And they've been eating together at that table a lot longer than I have.

In any event, that's really all the news I have from here at the moment. Happy Birthday Jim! I'll see you tomorrow at breakfast.

Sunday Afternoon

18 May 2008 at 18:51
I know it's not fair, and I know life isn't fair, and I also know that on the whole scale of fair and unfair I have been blessed with so many advantages it's not really even fair to complain. But I SO wish that I could just stand up out of bed and walk six normal, painless steps to the bathroom in order to, you know, answer the call of nature. It would make such a HUGE difference in the quality of my life right now. i feel lucky that the nausea is just a little queasiness, and that the aches and pains and low-grade fatigue are nothing more than than are. I don't mean to whine about anything, really...not even the hit or miss annoyance of being an internet pirate (which is the main reason I haven't been posting too regularly...I can't find a strong signal to piggyback on). But sometimes it really is the little things that get you down. The little things you can't get away from even for a little while.

Missed church today, and was pretty disappointed about it -- except I also just knew that I really wasn't up for it. This was the Sunday of our Spring Festival, which I would have liked to have attended... even though most of it wouldn't have been especially accessible to me. Have no idea how well it went or how well attended it was. But I imagine the folks who showed up at a good time.

I was also interviewed briefly by telephone last Wednedsay during the last half-hour of my chemotherapy by a reporter from the Press Herald, for an article I thought might appear in yesterday's paper. But I didn't see it, so perhaps he never got it written. Not that I imagine my responses were too coherent. Asked a lot about the spirit at the church, and my impressions of how things were going, and I gave him the same answer I always give: the energy on Sunday Mornings seems very good, I know a lot of people are working very hard behind the scenes to make that happen, and that it has also created some new opportunities for other people to step in and join them, and that the hardest part for me is being forced to sit on the sidelines helplessly. But then he also asked about the "boat" -- the Dream Boat, the "dog-gone" boat...which I thought was pretty obvious was just something I was day-dreaming about, more of a notion than a goal. But also, I realized, a metaphor -- of freedom, independence, self-reliance, persistence, tenacity and endurance...a small, well-found vessel on a large and dangerous ocean....

And yes, somebody bought it -- the one I'd been dreaming about. So they didn't really "sell" MY boat. Somebody bought it. Just like I knew they would. Because it was a great deal, and I hope will give someone a great deal of pleasure too. And the nice thing about being me is that there are plenty of more boats out there to dream about. At least when I can get on line....

What a Difference

15 May 2008 at 13:22
...a day makes. Or maybe a couple of days. After kind of a rough first night, I'm actually settling into my new accommodations here quite comfortably -- great view of the harbor, with soundtrack accompanyment by a chorus of gulls...just like living on a boat and waking up on the ocean...or at least close enough that I can close my eyes and imagine. Helps a lot to have my own pillows from home as well, and not to have to share with a roommate and his TV. I was getting SO tired of "Deal or No Deal...."

Also had my first chemotherapy treatment yesterday, so today is pretty much all about trying to kick back and get acquainted with the side effects....and the side effects of the drugs they are giving me to counteract the side-effects. The treatment itself was no big deal: sat in a chair for about four hours and watched "Ratatouille" on a portable DVD player, then made a pharmacy run to pick up new prescriptions and also lots of tender tummy comfort food for the fridge. Which turned out to be a very wise decision, given the state of my appetite just now. Let's see, we add nausea and fatigue to my normal pain management, then what else...headaches, blurred vision, MORE drowsiness....I've pretty much been sleeping through everything for the past 12 hours, and trying not to give it a second thought. And so far at least, that strategy seems to be working pretty well.

Whew....

13 May 2008 at 17:11
And I'm beginning to wonder whether maybe I pushed this transfer to independent living a little too quickly. VERY rough morning this morning, which I don't even want to try to describe...but I'm feeling a lot better now, and maybe in a little better position to evaluate whether today was just another round of first day trial and error, or if I really have overstepped myself and need to think about stepping back a little.

The thing is, I've been operating on the assumption that so long as I was actively receiving Physical Therapy, I wasn't allowed to begin my Chemotherapy...which would have been true if I had been admitted to the New England Rehabilitation Hospital two weeks ago. But I'm not so certain that the folks at Seaside Rehab feel the same way, which really changes the rules of the game a little. And it's a bit of a double-bind...because I really don't feel like I can procrastinate on the Chemo much longer, but it's also really obvious to me that I need an awful lot more Rehab -- and whether I'm going to be able to get that as an outpatient living here at 75 State or not really isn't that clear to me yet. And there are insurance issues as well, which frankly I don't understand...and the whole pain management piece is still a little dicey. That was the first tough part at 6 am this morning... But you know that's got to get better too.

Anyway, I'm going to try it another night here, see if I can be a little better organized about the whole process...then talk things over carefully with my treating physician tomorrow before chemo, and with the visiting outpatient Physical Therapist when she stops by to evaluate me on Thursday. And then we'll see. I really would like to be able to walk again at some point. Walk, climb stairs, shoot hoop, crawl around on a pitching deck while sailing to windward. That sort of thing. Not to mention getting back up to my office, and into the pulpit again.

Moving Day (again)

12 May 2008 at 10:37


And once again, it's Moving Day. Another ordeal of packing and unpacking, arranging transportation, figuring out my discharge orders, filling out paperwork, settling in, reconnecting to the internet, getting organized, then disorganized, than reorganized again, sorting out new schedules, new routines, and all the rest. And this STILL doesn't get me all the way home; although it does get me within a few blocks of home, and perhaps a few months closer to actually moving back into my old apartment again. And better yet, perhaps only a few weeks closer to Parker moving back in with me, once the first floor room is refurbished and available. Still a little disappointed that I won't be able to move in to that room right away. But I'm so grateful to be moving there at all, I don't really feel like I have much cause to complain.

I'm a little concerned about the potential for my new "independence" to contribute to additional social isolation as well, absent the imposed routines of meals and therapy and nursing care. And about my well-known tendency to push myself a little too quickly to try the things I know I shouldn't, rather than sticking with the routine and letting things come to me "in the fullness of time." And I'm worried about how I'm going to respond to my chemotherapy, and whether or not it is actually going to be effective in treating my cancer. Just a little worried though. Which is ironic, since it really ought to be the ONLY thing I'm worried about.

But instead I simply note that it looks like they sold my boat over the weekend. And notwithstanding the rather unlikely, narcotic-inspired fantasy that they sold it to someone who wanted to buy it as a gift for me, I hope instead that whoever ends up at the helm of this great vessel feels some of the joy I've experienced simply daydreaming about living aboard her myself...that she proves safe, and seaworthy, and not TOO great of a hole in the water into which to pour money. One of the best things about dreaming about boats is that you can always find another one to dream about relatively easily. This was a good one though. I sure wish I'd had a chance to step aboard her one time in real life, before her new skipper sails her off into the sunrise....

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