Wren Bellavance-Grace

Continue reading "Of Rollercoasters and Tilt-A-Whirls"

Wren Bellavance-Grace

Continue reading "Remembering Our Gifts"

Those of us who have lost loved ones since the pandemic have mostly been denied rituals of grieving and the comfort of visits with friends and family.

It has been excruciatingly painful to mourn alone, or mostly alone, and to try to move forward without important rites of passage such as memorial services, sitting shiva, opening the house to visitors, and gathering for commitals where we could freely embrace each other.

Please leave a comment below if you would like to attend a Zoom Gathering on All Souls Sunday just for us, for those who are part of this sad collective of those who understand. This will be a spiritual offering not in any particular tradition, affirming of our shared humanity and need for compassion.

I will email you with the Zoom invite. Please leave the name of the beloved person you would like to remember so I can include them in the Litany of Remembrance.

For the ritual, please prepare a candle that you can light and a glass of your favorite libation.

Peace.

A word from a mourner in sequester:

I spent a life-giving two weeks in the desert outside of Tucson studying to become a certified spiritual director at the Hesychia School For Spiritual Direction at the Redemptorist Renewal Center. Spiritual Direction is an ancient practice of companioning another person in their spiritual search and practice. One of the questions we ask a lot in spiritual direction is, “Where is God in all of this?”

Spiritual Direction is a different modality from therapy, which presumes a problem, issue, pathology or struggle to work through. SD is also different from pastoral counseling, which often involves advice-giving and religious guidance. Spiritual Direction is a practice of active listening where the director essentially holds a space for the directee to explore how the spirit is moving in their lives (or maybe not moving — and the directee wants to dedicate time to wonder about that, to question it, or to investigate their beliefs with a supportive person).  A spiritual director will not think you are having a nervous breakdown or psychotic break if you have a mystical experience. They might wind up referring you to a psychiatrist, but they will not react negatively or suspiciously at the outset of a report of hearing voices or seeing a vision or having a prophetic dream or other such phenomena that can trouble the modern soul and society.

For me, the beauty in Spiritual Direction is its foundational claim that God/Spirit/Higher Consciousness is real, that it can be trusted, and that dedicating a portion of our lives to pursuing time with it is a worthy and important endeavor. God is real. There is another dimension to our reality than what we can see and touch, and there’s a lot of meaning to be found there.

There were about twenty-five of us in the program, from all over the country and a wide selection of religious traditions, and we became a tight team. It was the most joyous imaginable thing to spend all day with a group of people who speak fluent Spirit! We were Catholic priests, Protestant pastors and ministers, Jewish chant musicians, lay people, Southern Baptist consultants, Unitarian Universalists, nuns, etc. — and what we shared in common was a belief that creation is holy, that people’s stories are sacred, that those in religious leadership must  protect the community’s spiritual mission from the the capitalist cult of production and busy-ness, and a passionate desire to connect to the divine on a regular basis.

Got a little rainbow for you.

There are lots of different methods of spiritual direction (many directors use the Ignatian Exercises, for example), but  I am being trained in the non-directive, or evocative method.  We started doing practicums in the second week of our intensive, and I found that I loved sitting in silence with my practice directee. I loved the silence so much that I was gently critiqued for leaving the directee feeling a bit vulnerable or emotionally abandoned after they had shared something deep. It’s a hard practice! Where I am tempted to jump in and actively enter into conversation, I know that is not my role. When I settle comfortably into the more contemplative listening mode, I can settle in there too deeply! Earth to Vicki.

But I loved it. The desert filled my well. I hate to be corny with the desert metaphors but having read a lot of the desert mothers and fathers, I was excited about studying spiritual direction in the environment they lived in all those centuries ago when they withdrew from Christian life in the city. I think it’s hilarious that as far back as the 4th century people were already like, “Ech, the Church is so corrupt.”

I mostly expressed my sense of reverence and awe in response to the desert landscape by walking around and saying things like, “Oh my God, what ARE you?” and “Holy s*%$, what even IS this?”

ouch! but yet …flowers

These darlings will literally attack you if you brush up against them. I saw hikers in Joshua Tree National Park yanking the spikes out of their arms and heels with pliers. Blood everywhere. The desert does not mess around!

We stayed in little rooms on a beautiful campus and ate breakfast at 8AM, started sessions at 9:30, worked until noon when we broke for lunch, went back for afternoon session at 1:30, worked until 4:30, and had dinner at 6PM.

We walked to breakfast in this kind of situation…

And did things on our breaks like hike, read or walk the labyrinth:

It’s like something out of Dr. Seuss

Loretta is a wonderful pastor from Wisconsin.

I am not really a group person. I’m a strong extrovert in some ways, but more than one day of structured programs with the same group of people usually chafes at me. The only time I remember loving a residential learning and retreat experience was when I got a grant from the National Endowment for the Humanities in 1993 and spent three weeks studying Emerson, Thoreau and the New England Transcendentalists at Oregon State University with Professor David Robinson.

Usually though, I skip a lot of retreat programming and flee into solitude for my mental health. I find group process to be laborious and over-earnest and then I beat up on myself for being cranky and critical.  My own UUMA (the Unitarian Universalist Minister’s Association — a professional, dues-paying clergy organization and yes, UUs are the only denomination that has such an organization) has been in a horrific meltdown for a couple of years, culminating in a past 12 months of divisive, vicious, grace-denying, Spirit-ignoring, accusatory, vengeful, schismatic actions and reactions. We are ostensibly a covenantal organization but the covenant has been blown to smithereens and I doubt that there will be genuine collegial trust in my lifetime. I feel exceedingly grateful to have well-established friendships and decades of close working relationships and fellowship with many colleagues, so that I retain affection and loyalty even to those with whom I am in disagreement over the latest contretemps. I also serve a congregation that is stable, has strong and healthy leadership, in a beautiful location within a vibrant wider multifaith community of mutual care, concern and social justice effort.  I have a very good and fulfilling life in ministry.

But there is that thing we do, that rational, smart-sophisticated people thing religious liberals and New Englanders do. And I am GenX, which adds a layer of sardonic detachment to the rational smart reasonable people thing. We don’t go around talking about God. Even with my best friends, even with my parishioners, even with my closest colleagues, we keep our mystical experiences and promptings of the Spirit pretty private. We touch on the subject carefully, most often (I find) out of respect for other people’s time and tolerance for such religiosity.  We are careful not to assume that our ways of expressing how God/Spirit/Deeper Reality/Soul presents itself in our experience will be comprehended or accepted by others, and even those with whom we are in spiritual community.

That’s our way. I remember in Div School people would walk around asking each other about their prayer practice and say things in the hall to each other like “How is your walk with Jesus?” and I would flinch.  It felt so forced, and also invasive, and also like bragging. I wanted to yell out, “Be careful you don’t step on Jesus’ robe and trip him on your walk!” just to let the air out of the piety.

But at Hesychia, we sat in a lot of silence and heard from one another about how confusing, demanding, inspiring, frightening, exciting, upsetting, healing and disruptive the movement of the Spirit is in our lives today, right now, and in our pasts. We told stories about how, when we really attended to our souls, we felt guided, loved, led and supported through the most harrowing of times. We shared tears over recollections of suffering, times where we felt empty or abandoned, when our spiritual practices bore no fruit at all.

We listened to each other without interruption and without judgment. We brought insensitivities or mistakes to each other’s attention with care and respect. We trained and disciplined ourselves not to fix, not to project, not to say “I know just how you feel” or “You know, that reminds me of something…” or “there’s a book you should read.” We waited in silence for more truth to emerge. We protected each other’s privacy and honored each other’s feelings. We showed non-verbally that we cared, that we were paying close attention to every word in our practicum sessions, that we were intensely committed to being a companion in the work of going deeper.

I get to go back for the last two weeks at the end of April. I will write more later about some life insights I recorded while in the desert. They’re not radical or new, but they led me to make some interior shifts that have brought me more peace and equilibrium, and who doesn’t need that?

With love.

This was the February full moon. I was walking to the dining hall for dinner when I saw a group of my sister Hesychasts looking out to the mountains and I gasped. Almost missed it. 

I was up on Montserrat today visiting the beautiful monastery nestled in the crazy mountains of Catalunya about an hour outside of Barcelona.

I girded my loins and took the little cable car/funicular thingy, reasoning that five minutes of potential terror would be easier to endure than twenty minutes  white-knuckling on a train sliding around hairpin turns with a death-drop view. I am known to be a bit dramatic when I get terrified, as in I have actually flattened myself on the floor of vans, trains and airplanes (“Ma’am, PLEASE TAKE YOUR SEAT”) when animal fear overcomes me on dangerous or tubulent trips. Don’t ask me about my drive down coastal highway 101 in Oregon – I was the passenger on the floor hugging the front seat.

Montserrat is truly beautiful and has a museum, a basilica, a hotel, a monastery, a cafeteria and some lodgings for those who live there full time. It is best known as the shrine of Our Lady of Montserrat, or The Black Madonna, the patron saint of Catalonia. Many people had obviously come to the shrine for healing, and I lit a candle and prayed for the many people and animals in my life who need healing and compassion.

While I was there moving in and out of crowds of tourists, I heard an English-speaking woman hollering for her daughter. The girl wasn’t very young and she wasn’t lost — this was just someone being loud. I have noticed that Americans are often the loudest in tourist spaces. They are inevitably talking about how many steps they’ve taken that day, what other sights they’ve “done” ( not seen; done, as in “we did Madrid and then we did the Dali museum in Figueros), how irritated they are by the spotty wi-fi connection, or how much things cost. It is always shocking to me when I am in an international setting to realize how aggressive and competitive Americans are by nature.  We take up so much space and air in the room.

So this woman was hollering and another woman in her party kind of shushed her with an embarrassed laugh, and I heard them murmuring and then the loud lady said in an earnest way, “I’m not religious. I didn’t know!”

This is so interesting to me. I’m going to be thinking about this for awhile. My parents raised me to be considerate in all public environments and to keep my voice down (I was frequently admonished to “turn it down, Vicki,” which I actually regard  just as much an attempt to diminish and feminize a naturally strong little girl as it was to instill appropriate social conditioning and good manners), and it must have been my grandparents who taught us church etiquette – hushed voices, standing and kneeling on command, opening and holding a hymnal or prayerbook even if you can’t read from it. We did not make the sign of the cross or genuflect; we drew the line at such expressions of faith, and we did not receive the Eucharist. But we learned how to be a good guest in someone else’s religious home.

So I got to thinking about howtraditional religious spaces contribute to what we might call “cultural literacy” or, flipping the framework around, how they contribute to patriarchal control and/or white supremacy culture.

I conclude that I am grateful for all the spaces that contribute to a shared human experience of REVERENCE. General reverence transcends nation, race, religion, political party, gender and class.  What I would hope for the shouting women is not that she move through the world fearful and embarrassed that she will do the wrong thing at the wrong volume in a sacred space and insult “the faithful,” but that she will develop a happy attentiveness to her environment (especially while traveling) that leads her to naturally adopt a gentler presence when she is in houses of worship or their environs.

When hundreds of us from many lands and many or no faiths gathered at 1PM this afternoon to hear the famous Escolania de Montserrat Boy’s Choir, the monk leading the service was very clear in his gestures, inviting in his words and inclusive in his language. It was clear to me that he knew that it was not just Catholics who were there, and not even a variety of Christians, but a wide variety of human beings who wanted to hear angelic voices in a glorious setting. To me, that is a religious instinct. It isn’t adherence to a doctrine that makes someone religious, it is a hunger to be in relationship with God (by whatever name) and those who also seek to live deeply from the soul.

If I could, I would draw the loud lady aside and say, “Did you make an effort to get up this mountain and visit this lovely place out of respect, interest and perhaps a longing to be touched by something deeper than the daily news and the quotidian concerns of your life? Then you are religious. You are a legitimate part of this community of pilgrims. If you turn down the volume on the voices in your head telling you how religious you aren’t, you may be able to hear your spirit better.”

Ultimately that is what I devoutly wish for us all.

Those little boys sure could sing.

I rode the Eurostar from London to Paris, which I have never done before.  I dragged my suitcases from the Airbnb flat in Kensington to the Gloucester Road Tube station, got on the Piccadily line and thought vicous things about the cows who were sitting right near the door when they could have moved over three seats to the empty ones and let me sit with my big suitcases.

I use “cow” as an insult for all humans who lumber along in life without any awareness of those around them. I am hyper-aware of those around me and apologize profusely when I am selfish or inconsiderate when I should have realized that a simple action could have provided some relief to someone else. It’s not a sacrifice to scoot down a few seats. I hadn’t had any tea or coffee or food and I was cranky. Still, I judge. I most definitely do.  A bit of attentiveness costs nothing.

I got to St. Pancras and stood in line for security and passport control and I found my seat and stowed my luggage and got all settled on the train (window seat) and sat happily contemplating the next leg of my journey. I had a tremendously delicious latte at a stall called Source at St. Pancras, where I also asked for “some bread and cheese” and was sent on my way with an enormous container full of huge slabs of delicious cheddar and something soft and runny and a third kind of slightly tangy frommage and some toasts. A feast! I brought it to my hosts in Paris and we will be eating it all week.

As I sat in comfortable tranquility and watched the landscape whiz by I remembered traveling as a very young woman and becoming aware that my interior monologue was relentlessly frightened and self-critical. These were my first adventures in solitude and I became attuned to myself for the first time in a way that I suppose some adults never actually do. Solitude eventually emerged as my lifestyle, perhaps vocation? — and my internal monologue at this age is mostly concerned with things on the ministerial to-do list, thoughts about life, death and God, a bit of worrying and thinking about friends and loved ones (still a category of more insecurity than most others in my life), dog details and housekeeping. I am not rattled by insecure or self-critical thoughts although I have very little skill in dismantling them, whereas I have developed a fairly high level of skill in interrogating and untangling insecure and other-critical thoughts; particularly in catching myself catastrophizing or projecting.

I am grateful for that. Now, perhaps, I can learn some effective ways to disarm the monster who lives in my head who takes up arms against myself. That monster is so deeply hidden, I only hear rumblings when she is active. She tends not to speak in complete sentences, she just shrieks and throws things and is as irrational as my parents were when they were in their fits of rage or addiction.

But today on the train there was no monster and no anxiety or fear. I am an experienced enough traveler to think a few steps ahead and get where I am going — and by the way, I am not going to Venice as I had planned, because I trust my instincts by now — and I like myself as a traveling companion.

I recognize now that the extreme anxiety I experienced when traveling in my youth actually caused me to dissociate, as happened on the beach in Antigua when I was 18 years old and on a senior trip with three of my girlfriends. The three of them went horseback riding one afternoon and I decided to go to the beach by myself. When I settled myself in the sand, I experienced a jolting sensation of the world rocking and went blind for a few seconds, after which I saw shooting stars everywhere and felt that I no longer existed. It was one of the earliest memories I have of literally losing my mind and it scared me badly. I decided to patiently wait where I was until my senses returned, so there I sat on a beautiful tropical beach, a young, pretty teenager trying to stay sane.

I was probably dehydrated and God knows if we had been eating enough food. We were drinking like fishes, far away from home and on our own. I remember the trip very fondly in general but I have not forgotten the tilting earth and my momentary blindness. Stress, anxiety, a fragile psyche, I was a kid whose father had recently died and who was living alone at home with an actively alcoholic living parent and a kid brother, sitting thousands of miles away under a too-hot sun with only three peers to rely on if my brain didn’t start functioning right again. We got through it. I am still close friends with two of those three peers and I feel protected by their good cheer, their confidence in and love for me now as I did then.

This morning: navigate the Tube. Use the Oyster Card. Find the platform. Get the coffee, bread and cheese. Load the luggage. Take the journey.  Disembark, find the toilet. Learn the toilet cost .70 Euros. Locate the bank machine, obtain the euros. Return to the toilet with the help of a friendly nun. Protect the bags, the passport, the phone from pickpockets. Call an Uber.  Find the Uber, who is parked a block away. Find the apartment code. Load the self and the luggage into the tiny lift. Be received in warm, welcoming arms of friends. Eat dinner, have some wine, load the laundry. Plan tomorrow.

Write. Remember. Thank God for the sound mind and body, for the accumulation of experiences, of years, of journeys.

A thing that I most despise in modern American culture is the total separation of madness and “sanity,” with so-called sanity as the norm and the goal of all mental health modalities. Sanity, like gender, is a construct. What passes for “sanity” in my context seems like half-life to me. That is not to romanticize states of mental distress that cause suffering  – but there’s much more territory to be accepted and explored.

This may be why I continue to defend non-violent religious enthusiasms even while I deplore their ridiculous and harmful theologies: I appreciate a bit of madness! Last night as I walked through Leicester Square I heard an evangelical idiot with a megaphone blathering on and on about Jesus and salvation and I felt the oppression of words, words, words, thank you very much Martin Luther, thank you John Calvin, for this obnoxious verbosity. I would rather the man put down his megaphone and dance his Christian message for us, act out the threat of Hell, become Jesus on the cross dying for our sins — I’d respect him more. It would be more impressive an expression of faith than his loud lecturing and exorting.

(I’m working it out — writing without inner editor and critic that is so tightly uniformed and On The Job in my usual work and especially my sermons.  Don’t expect these sabbatical posts to be terribly linear, consistent or coherent)

More opera tonight! “Orphee” by Philip Glass. “The Mask of Orpheus” the other night was, in the words of one patron I overheard in the lobby, “TOTALLY mental” and it went on for four hours of avante garde bizarrity that I loved and found irritating for the usual reasons of sexism and cliched design. Make it new! Make it new!

Here now at the Wellcome Collection Library, a wonderful resource of medical history that is one of my favorite cultural centers in London. I’ve joined the library and am happily nestled among the stacks of loads of books on the plague. Just now taking notes on Death, Reburial and Rebirth in the Religions of Antiquity by Jon Davies and Ritual Texts For The Afterlife : Orpheus and the Bacchic Gold Tablets by Fritz Graf and Sarah Iles Johnston.

There is so much water imagery in the Orpheus art I’m seeing, I want to know what is in the original Greek material. I always thought Orpheus was a poet, musician, lyre-playing guy. I associate his story with the earth, and perhaps the element of air (Apollo, stringed instrument, etc). Whence all this water?

Off to find some dinner and then to the theatre. I need to figure out how to upload photos to this little Chromebook.

Cheers.

I posted this earlier today on my Facebook page:

Hi, friends. Today is the first day of my sabbatical. I am tying up loose ends and packing for my flight to London this evening. I am going to jump into Europe in full soul mode, holding nothing back from myself that might interfere with my ability to be in the right faithful place as a minister, as is my usual discipline. This means that I can go down, down, down into the places that are too intense, bloody, disturbing to share from the pulpit but that my psyche and my God beckon me to explore. I have always been an Underworld Girl – that’s why I did my master’s thesis on Persephone. I love my resurrected Jesus but I don’t live in the resurrection so much as I live in the laughing underbelly of irreverence, dirt and honesty. I need to be able to express both utter contempt and worshipful devotion and I intend to seek out beauty all the way. Most of all, I have to shake American flat-earth self-improvement, achievement and happiness off of me like the cheap garments they are. I’m going forth in some kind of pelt loaned to me by a creature that lived fully alive and often frightened, that ran wild and mated and ate and killed and then was killed by another animal, or the weather, or some other great force that it knew in its bones and respected.

I’m leaving America for a bit. Going to Europe, where the reality of war and genocide and battles and displacement and blood feuds and cultural theft and slavery and racial hatred is integrated with the general understanding of history. Going places where depravity, immorality and corruption is recognized as part of the story of the city, the town, the opera house, the art work. Free from the tyranny of American denial, American smiley faces, American avoidance, American “I don’t see color” and “that was a long time ago” and “have you tried essential oils” and “happiness is a CHOICE.”

I removed my stole at the end of the church service on Sunday, folded it carefully and placed it on the altar table.

I am so grateful to be relieved of the burden and the honor of having to have something to say to the congregation for six months. What I have to say in the meantime is for me, because I have to get it out, and perhaps for you, if it speaks also to your soul.

And I'd add for myself that it isn't just the sermon - it's the entire worship service (in the Unitarian Universalist tradition we use readings from a variety of sources + have neither prayerbook nor lectionary, so a LOT of the elements are crafted fresh each week)

My Congressman @sethmoulton at our packed local #Lights4Liberty vigil at First Church Unitarian Universalist in Salem, MA. #UUApic.twitter.com/L9LJlF0uaC

Every Unitarian Universalist minister who follows you is laughing right now. We’ve done it all (but got paid, so...)

Minister from the Unitarian Universalist is here to share her board’s unanimous support for the navigation center #fremtg #fremontforeveryone

What better way to spend a Thursday evening than with our friends from Towson Unitarian Universalist Church. Thanks to Neil for taking over the grill duties, to everyone who brought all the delicious eats, and... https://www.facebook.com/umhousing.org/posts/10156335980052036 …

Spiritual not Religious? # Follow @ThePeaceChurch ••• #ThePeaceChurch . #spiritscience #lihhtworkers #lawofattraction #buddhist #newagehippies #hoteimedia #unitarianuniversalist #newagehippies… https://www.instagram.com/p/BzOLIDIn-qE/?igshid=1hsujquhqrvka …

It’s 4 o’clock in the morning and the birds sound beautiful but I feel wretched. I am writing through the pain and waiting for the Icy-Hot and the Topricin and the ibuprofen to kick in. The CBD oil that I have been using to manage this muscle pain for the past several weeks has ceased to be effective.

I send some writing out into the internet most days on Facebook but this post is going to be too long for that format because, as I said, I’m writing through the pain and I’ll be at this keyboard until it lets up and I can sleep.

What I think I have is simple muscular pain. I know my body pretty well at the age of 53, and what I know about it is that I localize tension in one section of it (lower back! feet! now my jaw!) for a season and then pain in that location resolves and moves somewhere else. Since June, and in conjunction with playing a very bizarre character in Stephen Sondheim’s musical “Assassins,” I have had deep aching in my legs and thighs. That’s where Sara Jane Moore lived in me, I suppose, and it’s where I stored all of the new stage fright that has plagued me throughout this production. I’ve been performing since I was six years old and I never imagined that I would be standing in the wings of a theatre at this level of experience psyching myself up for my entrance while a jittery part of my mind just one level below keenest consciousness relentlessly murmurs (but not unkindly), “You’re going to fuck this up.  Just think about all the ways you could fuck this up!”

(If you have played Sara Jane, can we have a drink and vent about the RIDICULOUS number of complicated props she has to handle with split-second timing? The gun, the fried chicken, the joint, the lipstick, the dog, the bullets, the insane complexity of props in her verse of “The Gun Song?”)

While I was playing Ruth in “The Pirates of Penzance,” I got headaches so bad that pressure applied to a certain spot in my neck made me vomit (that wasn’t good for my voice but it did relieve the headache pain). When I played Emma Goldman, my ankles and feet froze into knots so debilitating I had to vist the chiropractor weekly so I could continue to perform.  During one cold Minnesota winter when I was in my mid-20’s, my feet cramped up so badly I couldn’t walk down a short flight of stairs until I had been awake for at least a half an hour. Since the only bathroom in the house was on the ground floor, this made for humiliating predicaments.

My body often acts out at the conclusion or during the aftermath of a big creative project or especially demanding and intense season of ministry. When I much more actively and perilously battled anxiety and panic disorder around ten years ago (I consider myself to be recovered, or perhaps recovering), my panic attacks would come in the days after I thought I was in the clear for breaking down from stress.

It was much the same when I was growing up: I inevitably caught a cold, or the flu or once a serious case of mononucleosis (leading to hepatitis) after closing one of the many musicals I performed in in addition to schoolwork and after-school jobs. I understand and accept by now that I am not a marathoner in this life but a sprinter, putting out intense bursts of energy and focus and then collapsing at the finish line while others keep trotting along in enormous, companionable phalanxes, waking early, setting out and staying hydrated throughout the day as they maintain a steady pace and retire at a reasonable hour when the sun sets.

It seems to me lately that social media and the 24-hour news cycle have thrown the sprinters and marathoners into a big ramshackle farmhouse together where we can keep each other up far too late into the night and wake each other up far too early in the morning conversing, reacting, agitating and goading.  I think sprinters may adjust to the relentlessnes  a bit more easily given our natural rhythms of intense engagement and withdrawal, but the farmhouse is just as often the set of a horror movie as it is a party.

So I’m returning to a longer-form communique at 4:51 this morning to slow things down a bit, to avoid being the wee hour *ping* on someone’s phone who follows my Facebook page, and to see how I feel about engaging in this slightly less ephemeral fashion than what is possible in Mark ZuckerbergLand. There are no ads here. The eye isn’t drawn to a thousand side comments. Maybe it’s a little more boring and a bit more peaceful.

I have heard that 3AM is the Mystic’s Hour, when the veil between the realms is most gossamer and those who are prone to commune with the gods are most likely to do so. I have very dear friends who are in the Iona Community in Scotland right now and I enjoy imagining them starting their day with a late breakfast at this hour.  Bangers and mash? Haggis? I just hope the coffee is good. I look forward to hearing whether the veil between the worlds at Iona is as permeable as reported.

Mystical union aside, three and four o’clock in the morning are also existential crisis hours when many who keep vigil over sick bodies, agitated minds, crumbling relationships and frightening life circumstances feel most alone and desperate.  I hope it comforts you, as it comforts me, to know that monastic communities all over the globe are keeping vigil with you and praying for your well-being and spiritual safety. You aren’t the only one awake.

I have now been writing to you for an hour, during which I have also tended to the dog and cat who awakened to prowl and sniff around me in concern. I have had  a blueberry smoothie. The neighborhood is waking up and the ibuprofen has kicked in. I no longer entertain myself with dire imaginings about what terminal disease might be causing my muscle pain (I am certain that it’s the terminal disease called life). My day ahead involves attending a legal hearing as an advocate, having a conversation with my outgoing board chair, attending a Zoom call about local immigrant advocacy and doing some funeral preparation.  A demanding day, so I am going back to bed.

Here’s a little beauty from the Universalist Book of Prayer, 1895:

O Thou from whose fatherly hand sleep falleth nightly on the eyelids of man, whereby his body forgetteth its toil and his soul its sorrow; Teach us ever to receive it with grateful hearts, and grant that lying down this night with our souls at peace, and fearing no harm which man can do unto us, we may sleep secure in the guardianship of thy love. Amen. 

Unitarian Universalist Church Fairhaven MA #bnw #blackandwhite #monochrome #photography #blackandwhitephotography #architecture #unitarian #churchpic.twitter.com/4ZPvhhDxar

Unitarian Universalist Church Fairhaven MA #bnw #blackandwhite #monochrome #photography #blavkandwhitephotography #architecture #unitarian #churchpic.twitter.com/BG9EduIfTv

Rev. Dawn Fortune (@queerpreacher) delivered a moving homily at the Unitarian Universalist General Assembly on inclusion. Note the inclusion of the kinky and polyamorous among us. Rev Dawn Fortune on Trim Tabs and Preemptive Radical Inclusion https://youtu.be/r1e24UUpnqI 

Join us tonight at the First Unitarian Universalist Church, 5220 S. Claiborne. 7:30pm, $7, all proceeds go to help the homeless! pic.twitter.com/c9XtraxZMm

Follow @ThePeaceChurch • • • #ThePeaceChurch #AbrahamLincoln . . #spiritscience #bethechange #unitarianuniversalist #helpothers #spiritualthoughts #vegaslife #vegaschurch #goodvibetribe #lightworkers #acim… https://www.instagram.com/p/By-kKXTnlQz/?igshid=11htor3o9dchu …

When I still thought I wanted to dabble in organized religion Unitarian Universalist was accepting, educated, etc.

We love connecting with faith leaders far and wide! Here is one of our co-founders @RevDylanDB with Rev. Rosemary Bray McNatt. She is the president of Starr King seminary, which is the Unitarian Universalist… https://www.instagram.com/p/By78qTFnBxg/?igshid=18adr9rzwyk4d …

Drinking a Brut IPA by @deschutesbeer @ Unitarian Universalist Fellowship Of Central Oregon — http://untp.beer/s/c765202990 

This was posted by the Episcopal Peace Fellowship, and seems to be true, though I wish I could believe it were a hoax: Unitarian-Universalist volunteer in Arizona faces 20 yrs for providing food, water,... https://themindunleashed.com/2019/05/trial-begins-scott-warren.html …

. #ThePeaceChurch #SpreadPeaceUSA . #therapy #epiphone #spiritscience #squirrel #squirrelsofinstagram #squirrels #squirrellove #unitarianuniversalist #selflove #loveyourself https://www.instagram.com/p/ByJUtKOnEu1/?igshid=ec3grhc0oqn2 …

• • • #SpreadPeaceUSA . #MahatmaGandhi #Gandhi #refugeeswelcome #buddhism #lightworker #spreadpeace #loveandlight #uua #unitarianuniversalist #reikimaster #spiritualquote #spiritscience #spirituallife #awake… https://www.instagram.com/p/Bx8uv0Mn4L1/?igshid=jns6gtlxwcqx …

Asking our elected officials to vote with their conscience and for the health of our communities and our Earth! Interfaith prayers offered up from United Methodist, Unitarian Universalist, Baha’i, Quaker & more #ActOnClimate #allarecalled #CleanEnergyJobspic.twitter.com/DxHOclmaLd

The Unitarian Universalist Church of Sarasota will be hosting a presentation titled: “The Power of a Trauma Informed Community, Overcoming the Adverse Impact of Childhood Trauma” on Friday, May 3rd at 10 a.m​. Join us! Visit https://buff.ly/2KPxf9W  for more information!pic.twitter.com/d7od9TCd2e

NAMASTE! . . . . #SpreadPeaceUSA #namaste #lightworkers #loveandlight #spiritscience #acim #heartwarming #spiritualaf #unitarianuniversalist https://www.instagram.com/p/BvxIpiFAOyX/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=l51vfp4ziqbr …

Activism in bail reform, closing youth prison, voting rights and and ending solitary confinement coming from Unitarian Universalist congregation at Montclair #s31 #NCPH2019

The Unitarian Universalist Church is debating whether or not polyamorous partnerships should be accepted and tolerated. It's quite a departure from the glazed or sprinkled doughnut debacle of '79. pic.twitter.com/D2rYguxRIz

REMINDER! ONLY FOUR DAYS LEFT to RSVP for our annual fundraising dinner on Saturday, April 6th at Unitarian Universalist Church in Muncie, Indiana. Doors open 5:30, dinner at 6:15 pm. This event will feature a... https://www.facebook.com/awaken2002/posts/2287432314610989 …

Maybe you're feeling like you have the capacity to help #immigrants at the border or where you are. If so, check out this really great resource from the #UnitarianUniversalist College of Social Justice: https://uucsj.org/volunteer/ 

Already invented: Unitarian Universalist Coffee?

Our annual fundraising dinner will be Saturday, April 6th at Unitarian Universalist Church in Muncie, Indiana. Doors open 5:30, dinner at 6:15 pm. This event will feature a delicious Afghan buffet, keynote speaker... https://www.facebook.com/awaken2002/posts/2268796839807870 …

I'm so excited to be attending the City Council Candidate Forum hosted by the Greater Kansas City Women's Political Caucus from 5:30 - 7:30 pm at the All Souls Unitarian Universalist Church located on 4501... https://www.facebook.com/780227805514190/posts/951423321727970/ …

Unitarian Universalist triumphalism is particularly appalling right now because our own house is a disaster. “Please abandon one painful religious home for one that will refuse to feed you spiritually because it’s full of wounded former Christians” is a big huge YIKES #UMCGC

Spiritual not Religious? Follow @ThePeaceChurch • • • #ThePeaceChurch #SpreadPeaceUSA . . #spiritscience #newagehippies #unitarianuniversalist #buddhist #lightworker… https://www.instagram.com/p/BuMGoNBHJIl/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1q6woqyp8xmgg …

This Friday, February 22, 2019: Safina Center Creative Affiliate Kathleen Dean Moore and Rachelle McCabe perform “A Call to Life” as part of the Northern Voices Speaker Series at the Unitarian Universalist Fellowship of Fairbanks, at 7pm: http://safinacenter.org/event/kathleen-dean-moore-and-rachelle-mccabe-perform-a-call-to-life-as-part-of-the-northern-voices-speaker-series-at-the-unitarian-universalist-fellowship-of-fairbanks-on-friday-february-22-2019-at/ …

Be happy! #spreadpeaceusa #spirituality #unitarianuniversalist #scienceofmind #peace #spiritscience http://SpreadPeace.org  https://www.instagram.com/p/Bt9mD_hHlRc/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1fzao3wlsszuq …

Homestead: Who’s Profiting from Detaining Kids? - Unitarian Universalist Service Committee https://www.uusc.org/homestead-whos-profiting-from-detaining-kids/ …

Yes, but also #UnitarianUniversalist as we share the same Puritan ancestry in New England.

I mean, I'm a Unitarian Universalist and this is not part of our culture but my first several Bibles had those ultra thin pages and I was so scared I'd rip one with my pencil! It felt like it would be sacreligious.

SAVE THE DATE: Saturday, April 6th is our annual fundraising dinner! It will be at 5:30pm at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Muncie. More details to come. We are also looking for sponsors for the dinner! Each... https://www.facebook.com/awaken2002/posts/2213431318677756 …

Here is a piece I wrote abou the poetry of Mary Oliver in Unitarian Universalist liturgy: http://www.peacebang.com/2019/01/26/the-poetry-of-mary-oliver-in-unitarian-universalist-liturgy/ … #UU #MaryOliver #worship

Lakeland Unitarian Universalist Fellowship https://newyork.7a7.info/?p=44320 

Wow, 2019 already! And what better way to kick off the year than with a Space Coast DSA monthly meeting? We can't wait to see you there! It's January 30th at 6:30pm at our usual spot, the Unitarian Universalist Church of Brevard. You can check our site for more details!

Sounds like we've got a Unitarian Universalist on this thread! #FirstPrinciple

I can't believe I haven't been following Unitarian Universalist Massachusetts Action Network on Twitter before now. That is a BIG oops. @UUMassAction is great and please don't feel like you have to be a UU to be part of their activism.

NAMASTE! . . . . #SpreadPeaceUSA #namaste #lightworkers #loveandlight #spiritscience #acim #heartwarming #spiritualaf #unitarianuniversalist @ http://SpreadPeace.org  https://www.instagram.com/p/BsTZuXCAAlK/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=14nyapfvnf53 …

I was raised in the Unitarian Universalist tradition. The difference between the UU adults and my own Orthodox grandparents, whose theology was very informed by the threat of hell, was profound. I wanted to have the open, can-do, dignified manner of the UUs.

This is so @TyshaTinney . . . #SpreadPeaceUSA . #newthoughtmovement#unitarianuniversalist#spiritualnotreligious#relationshipgoals#acim#acourseinmiracles#hippielife #cosmic #cosmiclove @… https://www.instagram.com/p/BrvMURanieT/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1hrenc0pb2ho4 …

Another delightful evening at Earl’s Place. Thank you Towson Unitarian Universalist Church friends for a delicious meal and a fun evening. A special thank you to Deborah “Spice” Kleinmann for leading us in our sing-a-long! Smiles and laughter filled the room.

Spread Peace! • • • #SpreadPeaceUSA . #rumiquotes#spiritualquotes#spiritscience#unitarianuniversalist#snoopy#charliebrown#hugs#heartwarming#kindness @ http://SpreadPeace.org  https://www.instagram.com/p/BrWlUJag5Lp/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=jd3vi4ze5id1 …

Does that include permission to disregard supreme court rulings? Unitarian Universalist prayer is a good alternative, and there is a UU congregation in St Kitts!

Be Love Follow @ThePeaceChurch . #thichnhathanh #bepeace #spiritualgrowth #belove #centersforspiritualliving #unitarianuniversalist #sgibuddhism #jainism #ahimsa #beherenow #ramdass… https://www.instagram.com/p/BrG6csrnXzO/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1w8h163xfrtv3 …

Spiritual not Religious? Follow @ThePeaceChurch • • • #ThePeaceChurch . #spiritscience #newagehippies #unitarianuniversalist #spiritualism #unitylifestyles #loveislove… https://www.instagram.com/p/Bq4GI1Fn8nA/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1r3f4a9l672xv …

Today's Alternative Gift Market was the perfect way to bring in the holiday season! We are so grateful for the UUCR for hosting us and for everyone who came by our table. Thank you all! @ Unitarian Universalist Church in Reston — at Unitarian... https://www.facebook.com/526590807680315/posts/774346126238114/ …

So thanks for following me! You'll get equal measures ranting, cute animal videos, awards shows, theatre stuff, RTs of interesting tidbits (doesn't always imply endorsement) and beagles. I am a Witchy Christian, denominational affiliation Unitarian Universalist.

YAY let’s play!!

What happened is that when you RT instead of creating a fresh game you perpetuate an endless scroll of random mentions for everyone in my roster— and it’s super irritating to them. It’s bad Twitter practice. I’m going to delete mine and I hope you will too.

Oh Peter, now the wonderful women I follow are going to have endless mentions from UUs doing this. Duuuuuuude.

"Anyone who does anything to help a child is a hero to me". #FredRogers • • • #ThePeaceChurch #SpreadPeaceUSA #wildandfreechildren #unitarianuniversalist #meditation #omm… https://www.instagram.com/p/BqVH9qCnXy4/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=1nzxznvoc5sct …

Community Vigil in Support of Tree of Life - Led by Venice Interfaith Community Association Tonight 7 - 8 pm at Unitarian Universalist Congregation of Venice, 1971 Pinebrook Rd. (corner of Edmondson), Venice, FL 10/30/18 - Please share pic.twitter.com/C6Y18OvhTK

UUA and UUMFE Sign Statement of Climate Civil Resistance The Unitarian Universalist Association and UU Ministry for Earth have both signed onto the following Statement of Climate Civil Resistance from... https://climatedefenseproject.org/statement-of-climate-civil-resistance/ …

On July 27, 2008 fatal shooting took place at the Tennessee Valley Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville, Tennessee. Motivated by a desire to kill liberals and Democrats, gunman Jim David Adkisson killed two people and wounding seven others.

Unitarian Universalist Chalice Wax Seal Necklace - Hand Cast Fine Silver UU ...: Unitarian Universalist Chalice Wax Seal Necklace - Hand Cast Fine Silver UU Chalice Necklace https://goo.gl/DYK7iU pic.twitter.com/3gV8x6pUoE

I seem to have had my first semi-viral Tweet with a response to the wonderful funny lady Leslie Jones, who is one of my Twitter (s)heroes after dealing with a universe of unbelievable hatred and abuse for daring to be a black woman starring in a remake of “Ghostbusters.” The spewing to which she was subjected was incredibly disturbing, and she left Twitter for a time. She’s back — she didn’t owe anyone that, but I’m glad she returned — and recently posted  a gym selfie with the caption,

‘Tis the season for search! And since I am not in search, haven’t been for five years and do not intend to be for the forseeable future, let me spill some tea for those of you dedicated laypeople who are serving on your congregation’s search committees.

I am going to be blunt because that’s my style and because we are in a religious tradition that practices WASP emotional culture, which means that we often communicate in vague or excessively “nice” terms unless we’re outright arguing about something.  It is a communication style that privileges the highly emotionally controlled  and poker faced, and creates subtle power jousting in place of open and forthright conversation. I have always hated it (see Waking Up White By Debby Irving for an engaging personal analysis of white New England emotional culture).

If you don’t know what your team or your congregation’s emotional culture is or how it is informed by your congregation’s ethnic, racial, economic, geographic and historical context, I highly recommend working with Essential Partners, whose Executive Director, the Rev. Parisa Parsa is a UU minister and fantastic facilitator.

When it comes to ministerial search, UUs are pretty thoroughly grounded in 19th century mentality and archetypal consciousness. I know this because I have been studying the evolution of American liberal religious clergy archetype for decades (with particular focus on New England Congregationalist traditions, of which we are part) and I can confidently say that while UUs are catching up to the 21st century in some ways, we are very far behind that in terms of ministerial search and call: both the process and the way we evaluate ministers. We know intellectually that ministers have a very different job now than they did at the end of the 19th century, but our hearts and imaginations are still attached to the expectations of yesteryear.

We want a scholar who can wax eloquent on literature, the Bible, theology, and the latest Bill McKibbon piece. We want a warm pastor who knows everyone and makes a lot of personal visits (even though people are not home these days and if they are, an unscheduled guest is an unwelcome intrusion). We want our minister to attend all leadership meetings, all programs, all social justice actions, community interfaith organizations, and local events we’d like to see them at. We want a fabulous preacher and a creative liturgist. We want a whizbang financial expert and fundraiser. We want someone who is strong but not so strong that they can’t be controlled or managed by disapproval, we want someone visionary but not so much that they move us beyond our comfort zone, someone challenging but not too demanding, and someone spiritual but not too religious.

We want someone who is available 24/7 to respond to “my” e-mails but who faithfully observes their day off to model healthy self-care. Winking face emoji here.

The question, “How many evenings a week do you feel it is wise and fair to expect a minister to be out doing church business, and what do you consider church business” should be at the top of your interview questions. It will generate a crucial conversation, I promise you. I also promise you that this question will not have been part of the congregation’s survey, which asks the congregation what they want, and says not a word about what they intend to do to manage their own expectations or to contribute to the next minister’s effectiveness. Here’s a fun fact: when I was ordained in 1997, we got in touch with people in person and on the phone. Very occasionally, paper note or letter. Today, I respond to messages by phone on three phone lines and voice mail accounts, by e-mail, text message and Facebook messenger. Sometimes by letter. The resulting stress around keeping communications organized is profound and unprecedented in history.

Search Committees and church leaders need to know that ministry has changed radically since Ferguson for most Unitarian Universalist ministers. Please make room to have that conversation. Many of us have been engaged in anti-racism and social justice work and learning for a long time, but community organizing and engagement has become exponentially more intense and demanding since the election of Trump.

If I may make a side rant (and I am going to) I would opine that the Congregational Survey that accompanies the great Ministerial Search is actually a fairly appalling document, as it encourage individualistic, consumeristic notions about what a ministerial search really is and what it should accomplish. It leads each individual person who fills out the survey into a spirit of entitlement: “What would YOU like? What do YOU want to see?” and should be jettisoned in favor of congregational discernment led by leaders or facilitators over a series of community meetings so as to determine the congregation’s vision of ministry, mission and priorities. The outcomes and consensus from these meetings should be shared with the candidates, who then have a far more accurate sense of the job they’d be signing on to do than is provided by a collection of personal, individual opinions.

All that said, my love and respect and gratitude go out to you, Search Committee members! I am of the opinion that you are working way too hard and for far too long on finding your next minister, and that upsets me for you. You are sacrificing endless nights and weekends to a ridiculously overwrought and prolonged process that was designed during an era when ministerial tenures were far longer than they are today, when the church enjoyed a place of prominence in society that it no longer has, and when reasonable expectations for volunteer engagement were completely different than they are now.

I am not sure what the average tenure is for Unitarian Universalist parish ministry but I believe it’s around six to eight years. This means that congregations are responsible around every five or so years for recruiting a Search Committee that will labor for one to two years to settle a minister who serves for only three or four times that long. Something’s gotta give, and I am looking forward to seeing what UUA Settlement Director, the Rev. Keith Kron, and others, figure out.

Dear Search Committees, the internet has changed everything about the way we do search. Much of it is positive development, allowing ministers and lay people to know more about each other, to explore the wider communities each one comes from, and to share materials extremely easily. I think this is a wonderful thing, and I remember with gratitude and fondness how often the Search Committee Chair of my current congregation and I checked in about small details relating to pre-candidating and also larger questions about each other. I was able to ask her questions for the entire committee that she was able to respond to within 24 hours. This rapidity was a help in our discernment process.

And yet the internet has also opened the door to many legitimate questions regarding public ministry, use of social media and published materials on websites. Please leave room in your interview process to explore these topics. Some questions you might consider are:

How do you use social media in your ministry, if at all?

Is there anything about you or by you floating around the internet that you think we should know about?

How do you use the various social media platforms differently (e-mail, blogging, Twitter, Instagram, Facebook, etc.), and how do you anticipate using them in your role as the minister of our congregation? How will that be different from your personal use or independent on-line ministry?

Search Committee, you should ask your prospects about their administrative skills and expectations. Will they be expected to keep posted office hours in the church building? Why? Will they be chief of staff or a “kind of” supervisor without the authority to hire and fire employees? Who is currently on the staff, how long have they been there, and are they regularly evaluated? By whom and using what tools?

Staff administration is one of the areas that Search Committees tend not to think about much at all, as it is one of the least known and understood aspects of professional ministry. Congregational surveys generally do not address it, but it is one of the areas of church life that can blow up the fastest and lead to protracted conflict, congregational fracturing and resignation. Ministerial candidates should ask about the staff: who are they, are they members of the church, do they have fan clubs or fiefdoms, are there conflicts with the minister in the past that the candidate should know about.

Dear Search Committee, please do not obsess or experience undue anxiety about the theological orientation of your candidate. If they are grounded in Unitarian Universalist religious life and have served successfully as parish ministers, they know how to minister to a theologically pluralistic congregation. Focus not so much on theology but on talent, excellence of communication skills, strength in writing and delivery, and relationality. Look for depth. Look for someone who is able to speak in passionate, coherent, theologically grounded terms about our movement, the purpose of the church in society at this moment in history and in your local context. Ministers are living beings just as we serve a living tradition. If you parse their old sermons for evidence that they’re “too Christian” or “too humanist” or “too mystical” for your congregation (which probably means for you, personally, be honest), you are doing your search process a disservice. Preachers preach to a specific congregation, not for the general public.  The minister’s former congregation is not yours; the people and the pastoral relationships will be different in every UU setting. It is a general feature of good Unitarian Universalist ministers to find language that ministers to a variety of communities without sacrificing their own integrity.

Dear Search Committee, a minister cannot “grow your congregation.” Only the congregation can do that. If you pose that question to your candidate, I hope the candidate asks you the same question: what is the congregation doing to share its ministry outside its walls, what is the congregation doing within the church to promote fellowship, meeting new people, integrating them into the life of the congregation, creating meaningful relationships, sharing spiritual growth? Some of this happens through programming and through the work of professionals: if I was in search I would want to hear about how, but mostly I would want to hear an honest assessment of the lay people’s ethos of hospitality and evangelism. If it’s lacking, that’s okay. It’s important to know. It’s not unusual and it’s not a crime. But it’s essential that all who love the Church to know that its health and vibrancy and growth is the work of ALL who minister — and that’s everyone, not just the ordained. A new minister should be someone you feel can articulate this in a life-giving and inspirational way, not do it for the church.

Now, I can say this because I serve a blessedly well-endowed congregation and am very well compensated: Unitarian Universalists are notoriously cheap. Despite the Rev. Ralph Mero’s and other concerned advocates for clergy financial stability hard work for many years to address the issue of fair compensation for religious professionals in our Assocation (and that includes religious educators, church staff and musicians), Unitarian Universalists are still too often trying to save a buck to keep their churches open.

This is misguided and unethical. Let me speak some truth to you about the work of ministry: there is no such thing as “2/3” or “3/4 time” ministry. It is a mythical beast, somewhat akin to the Sasquatch or the Loch Ness Monster. Ministry means being available when people need you, and it is therefore impossible to carve out a week with clearly delineated time off and time on.

For example, Fridays are my day off. Is this to mean that I am to ignore all of the responses to phone calls or emails that I sent out on Wednesday that arrive in my inbox on Friday? Of course it can’t mean that, unless I am to expect our church staff and everyone else to cool their heels while I ignore everything for a day. What about the person who is in pain and reaches out? I respond. What about the ministry team that meets on Fridays and needs the minister to attend and support them? Because I am employed full time, with full benefits, vacation time, and an extremely supportive and talented staff, I can swap days off to meet the needs of the congregation and my own schedule. A part time minister has a much harder time accomplishing this, and winds up giving many extra hours of unpaid labor.

I came out of seminary with $70,000 of debt (and that was just for my M.Div.). This is not unusual. The Unitarian Universalist ministerial formation process is extremely expensive and the subsequent paychecks generally not stupendous. Please work faithfully with your candidates to find a fair wage and clear expectations for their work week and year.

If your congregation cannot afford full-time ministry, that is nothing to be ashamed of. It merely means that the laity must be engaged and clear about the scope of their own and the minister’s roles and responsibilites. It means that you must set aside a little bit of extra time on a regular basis to check in with your part time minister about whether or not the “part time” status is real and true, or if they are finding that the work of the church is seeping into their every day in ways that seem to demand response and involvement.

I think that is enough for now, dear Search Committee member and ministers in search. There is much more to say but this will do for a part one of what may become a longer series.

Good luck! Blessings on your work and your discernment!