Sunday, October 24, 10:30 a.m.
Cultivating Relationship with Nature
An Online Service with Rev. Stephen Shick
Covid has given many of us both the need and the desire to “go out into nature.” The more you cultivate your relationship with all creatures and plants living on earth the more you begin to realize you can’t [ … ]
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Sunday, October 17, 10:30 a.m.
When Memory Fails: Lessons of Love
An Online Service with Rev. Alice Anacheka-Nasemann
When a loved one has dementia, family members and friends navigate a changing relationship that requires new skills. Join us this Sunday, Oct. 17, for a Zoom worship service led by Rev. Alice, exploring the [ … ]
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Sunday, October 3, 10:30 a.m.
~ Lessons in Relationship from Dr. Seuss ~
Online Multigenerational Service
As we introduce our monthly theme of Cultivating Relationship, what can we learn from Horton, the Lorax and other favorite Dr. Seuss characters? Are there additional lessons we can learn from the Dr. Seuss Institution’s decision to remove 6 [ … ]
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Gnome, half-elf, orc … Rogue, bard, sorcerer … Who will you be?
It is commonly understood that imaginary play can be an important part of childhood. Can adults also learn something from battling dragons or casting invisibility spells? This Sunday, September 19, Rev. Alice will explore the life lessons and benefits found in role playing games [ … ]
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Christine Slocum
The Unitarian Universalist minister David O. Rankin liked to relate a story from his career. In 1968 he preached a sermon just before the presidential election in which he was not thrilled between the choice of Richard Nixon or Hubert Humphrey. Instead of making the case, however subtly, for either candidate, he chose instead to recommend that everyone vote for the most intelligent, experienced and compassionate candidate. Moments later, in the receiving line after the service, he was confronted by a man loudly and angrily shouting at him, “How dare you use the pulpit to support Hubert Humphrey!”
I endorse no candidates here, nor even stake a position on individual items on any ballot. No, let’s talk politics, but not parties. For decades now, we have repeatedly been told about values voters, and the moral majority, and the religious right, and family values and “pro-life” voters and so on.
It’s time to change the script.
Because friends, I’m a values voter. And the values I hold dear are taking care of my fellow human beings, ending oppression, and making sure that people have healthy food and a safe place to live. My values support people of all gender expressions and sexual orientations, people of all races and ethnicities, of all national origins. My values are truly pro-life, not just pro-birth.
I consider myself both moral and part of a majority. I try to live a good life, to not harm others as much as possible, to do the right things and to be a good person. And I believe that the majority, perhaps all of us, are doing those same things, even if we might sometimes differ on how to accomplish them.
And I hope it goes without saying, I’m religious, though not right. I’m tired of the conversation about religion in this country assuming that religious people span the gamut from fundamentalist Christians to conservative Christians. There are liberal and radical people of faith, and there are Jews, Muslims, Sikhs, Buddhists and dozens of other religious groups who are here and politically engaged! If we could get this word out to the major news networks sometime soon, that would be great.
I think I have great family values. Those values include supporting same-sex couples in living their lives the way they choose, with the same access to rights and privileges I have as a heterosexual, cisgender man in an opposite-sex marriage. And I have family values that say children should grow up in a home where they are loved and cared for and supported, and that matters more than other concerns.
And I’m pro-life, but not in the narrow, nonsensical way I often hear used by those who claim that title. I support life—I want to support the flourishing of all human life. I recognize that women have a better understanding of their own bodies and decisions than I do. I oppose the death penalty—again, because I support life. I’m anti-poverty and pro-prison reform, because I’m for life. I’m pro-medicine and pro-science, and even pro-socialized medicine, because I’m for life.
I’m even, and here’s something you probably didn’t expect a minister to say, pro-gun. At any rate I’m not totally anti-gun, and that feels radical in an age where there’s precious little middle ground. Though I don’t own any, I’m not opposed to guns. I’ve lived in places where guns are important, and not as a symbol or for some inflated sense of self-defense. I lived in rural Mississippi and spent time with people who hunted, for whom guns were part of a way of life, with people who each donated hundreds of pounds of meat a year to a local children’s home as part of a program called Hunters for the Hungry. So I’m pro-gun, and I’m pro-responsible gun ownership, and I’m pro-sensible gun control—something this country lacks right now.
Maybe you think at least some of these same things about yourself. Perhaps you cringe at the destructive, divisive policies and platforms you hear from people who are too eager to lift up their moral framework as the right, and proper, and only one for this country. You might see the US as a country too large and too diverse and too amazing to be contained by any one system of thinking or seeing.
We follow the prophetic calls of those who have come before us, like Frederick Douglass and Barbara Jordan and Rosa Parks, and those like the Rev. William Barber working today. Barber has called upon people of faith to lift up and defend the most sacred moral principles of our faiths. We support pro-people and anti-war policies, equality in education, healthcare for all, fairness for all people in the criminal justice system, and rights for all people, especially people of marginalized identities.
The work that Unitarian Universalists around the country and the world are doing in the political process, the work we do in our local communities, all of this is part of the same work of creating the beloved community. And whoever we elect, this work will continue.
Friends, vote for the most intelligent, experienced, and compassionate candidates. And then go love the hell out of the world, each of us in our unique ways. The world cries out for our efforts, and no election alone will end that.
Attached media: https://web.archive.org/web/20211110121926/https://www.questformeaning.org/podcasts/20_03/02.mp3
I have learned about faithfulness and sacrifice as a result of a very strange journey I have been on since I inadvertently found some of the men who were in Vietnam with my older brother, 2nd Lt. Robert M. Christian Jr., “Bobby” to me, who was killed on April 11, 1969.
My son, Luke Christian, did an internet search for his own name and turned up a webpage where some of my brother’s Marine brothers paid tribute to him. In the years since then I have met with many of those men and even attended their reunions.
After my brother’s death in Vietnam, I saw him as a victim more than anything else. My brother joined because he received a draft notice after he graduated from college. He wrote a poem questioning war shortly before his death. The Marine Corps took a gentle young man who was taught “Thou shall not kill” in church and turned him into a killer. It’s hard for me to even speak that sentence; but, of course, that is what young Marines are trained to do. The Marine Corps part of his life was not something I wanted to dwell on and so, for many years, I did not.
The Marine Corps motto is Semper Fidelis: Always Faithful. Many of the guys end their email messages with “Semper Fi” or “S/F” and I often end mine with “Always Faithful.” We are all faithful, but to what or to whom? When this journey began, I would have said that my faithfulness was quite different from Marine Corps faithfulness. I would have said theirs is a blind faithfulness and that mine is a questioning faithfulness. I would have spoken about the differences in how we view doubt and ambiguity.
But what I have learned has both surprised and humbled me.
Marines have a commitment to leave no body behind. For these men, it meant that they would risk death to haul a body out of a rice paddy. My mom used to say, “Do not spend money on me when I’m dead. Wherever I die, dig a hole under me.” I would have also taken this to mean that I shouldn’t risk my life to haul her body out of a rice paddy.
In one conversation with a Marine, I said, “I can’t imagine my brother would have wanted someone else to risk their life to retrieve his body. I would hate to think that others might have died to do that.” He looked at me like he didn’t know where to start, because I just didn’t get it. He was right, but now I get it. Everything hinges on what we are willing to do for one another. Our willingness to sacrifice ourselves to protect one another is everything. We are all in this together. We are all we have. We are the saviors we’ve been waiting for.
The greatest sin is to put your own safety above the safety of others. The higher your rank, the greater your position of privilege, the greater the sin. When we put our own safety first, we are lost and so is everyone else. There is no such thing as individual salvation. We are lost or saved together. When we know that others will put our safety before theirs, all things become possible.
There is another part of “leave no body behind” that illuminates Marine faithfulness. You are part of something greater. It began before you and it will go on after you. You enter into a stream of history and you will be remembered. You are part of a living tradition. Your memory and your sacrifice will not be in vain. Your Marine brothers will continue to carry you with them, whatever the cost.
And my brother’s Marine brothers have continued to carry him and others who made the ultimate sacrifice. While still in the midst of war, these boys and young men contacted family members of killed and wounded brothers. They sent their own family members to visit the sick and wounded. They came home and named sons after fallen brothers. One son is named Robert Christian Ager. They made pilgrimages to The Wall just to touch a name. One of the men drove 2,400 miles to attend the memorial service of the man whose face he first saw when he woke up after losing his left arm in a firefight. Whenever they gather for Company or Battalion reunions they hold memorial services.
Another part of Marine faithfulness is that the right thing is not always the easy thing. You do it anyway. Let’s say, for example, that the sister of a Marine calls you out of the blue to ask you about a day that you have relived many times. By that, I do not mean you have remembered it, but rather that you have relived it. You were the Company Commander that day. When you think of that day, you are filled with regret and guilt and it is as if you are back in that place and time. The sister doesn’t know that even though you met your wife right after you returned from Vietnam, you have never spoken to her about it. What do you do? You sit down with her.
You ask for a piece of paper and you draw a map and you touch it several times before you can bring yourself to say, “They said, ‘Let’s put a company in there and see if it can survive.’” You look over at your wife who is hearing this for the first time. Her eyes are wide and full of tears. You tell the sister that you called her mother when you got back to San Francisco. It is like you have the phone in your hand again. You hear the mother’s voice, “My boy…. What happened?”
We need one another. Others are in need of us. We owe others a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid; it can only be honored. Doing the right thing often requires sacrifice. It is not always easy. We do it anyway. I can sadly say that the United States Marine Corps did a better job of teaching my brother those lessons than the religion of his childhood.
It is easy to say of Marine faithfulness: “Well, that sort of thing requires an enemy. It requires not questioning authority. It requires brainwashing people. You have to get them young.” At least it has been easy when I have said these things. It’s easy for me to denigrate sacrifice based on what the sacrifice is for and to even lull myself into believing that sacrifice and extremism of some sort seem to always go together. I have often trivialized what people are willing to do for their faith because I have not respected what they put their faith in or the ways in which others take advantage of that faithfulness.
I find that, in the name of liberal religion, we often trivialize sacrifice. In ways both subtle and obvious, we give the impression that sacrifice is for people who can’t think for themselves, less independent-minded sorts. Liberal religion often smacks of the old commercial which tells us “Have it your way.” Life is a buffet and you get to choose. If you don’t like it, you don’t have to eat it. You even get to complain about what other people are eating or what is on the buffet table or how it was served. I have often heard liberal religious folks brag about how little their faith requires. Many of us don’t even want to use the word faith or faithfulness, let alone sacrifice.
We are not sure we even like “clear expectations.” Some of the most heated, emotional discussions in the congregation I served have been about what we could or should expect of members. Some are concerned that expectations might be seen as fostering exclusivity. There is concern that we might “turn people off.” We are reluctant to ask anyone for anything that they may not want to give or be able to give. This is especially true when it comes to financial support. In some religious traditions, it is assumed that people will tithe by giving 10% of their income. If everyone tithed in the last congregation I served, we would have had about an extra $900,000 dollars a year to bend the arc of the universe toward justice.
I think liberal religion can and should stimulate me to ask: What am I living for? What am I willing to die for? What am I willing to sacrifice for? What am I willing to put above my own comfort? To whom or what do I owe a debt of gratitude that can never really be repaid, but only honored? What does a life of gratitude look like? What would it mean to be faithful to what I say I believe?
I have used the word sacrifice the way it is typically used, meaning “to give something up.” But when we look at the root meanings of the word, we find that it is not about giving something up, but rather about making sacred. We might question what people are making sacred through their actions, but do we really question the act of making sacred, of finding something worthy of our faithfulness?
I think war is evil. It’s indicative of massive human failure. If we aren’t going to sacrifice for war, we had better start sacrificing for peace and for justice. The answer is not less sacrifice; it’s more sacrifice. If sacrifice and faithfulness are only for others, then we need to be prepared to live by someone else’s faith or with the ramifications of their faithfulness. Each of us has cause to live a life of gratitude for all we have been given. We are called to work for justice and to bind up the broken. Imagine what it would look like if we, too, could say that we are “Always Faithful” to our highest ideals.
Attached media: https://web.archive.org/web/20211110063421/https://www.questformeaning.org/podcasts/19_10/03.mp3
Last year my therapist started asking me at every visit, “You having any fun?”
I’d laugh, and say, “Nope.”
Eventually, I realized that I just wasn’t any good at fun. Either I’d never learned, or I’d forgotten how to let loose, kick back, and have a blast doing something.
So I did what we do these days: I asked Facebook. My friends gave me all kinds of suggestions, and some of them actually sounded like things I might enjoy. In the time since then, I have had more fun. But lately, I’ve been thinking that question is a hard one for parents of young children.
Do you remember that Nyquil ad? The one that said, “Moms don’t take sick days”? (And yes, there was a dads version of that commercial. No non-binary parent commercial though.)
For the default parent, there are no sick days. There is no end to the work of child-tending, and every precious hour of respite care, should we be lucky enough to have that, is measured out carefully. We always ask ourselves, “Is this a good use of babysitter time?” There are always dishes and laundry, deadlines and past-due projects—so many things that seem more urgent than self-care of any kind, let alone play.
After five-plus years in the trenches, I’ve decided that there are only two ways that parents get to have fun.
Option one: convince yourself that fun belongs on your to-do list. That it’s not optional. That the well-being of your children depends on your ability to have fun. The oxygen-mask metaphor is so old that we roll our eyes at it, but it’s true. Play is as important as air and water and food and shelter. Without it, parts of us die.
Which leads us to option two: play with your children. I’m not just talking about getting down on the floor with them and making elaborate racetracks. I’m not just talking about doing whatever the things are that your kids think are fun. Find the places where your joy and their joy overlap. For my partner Liesl, that’s the racetracks. For me, it’s art. It’s liberating to do kid art. The kids and I will sit at a table with a big piece of paper, a bin of crayons, and a timer. Every time the timer rings, we switch chairs, and color there. It’s so much fun—free of the constraints of needing to make “real art.”
Last weekend the kids and I went to something billed as a “Clay Extravaganza.” My daughter and I both tried our hands at a pottery wheel—and loved it. Then we watched skilled potters compete—competitions that were silly and serious at the same time. In the first one, a team of three potters worked together—one operating the pedal controlling the speed, and the other two each using one hand only, working cooperatively to draw the clay evenly upward. In the second one, seven potters sat at wheels—with paper bags over their heads, a silly face drawn on each bag. The timer started, and all but one created beautiful pieces. One potter, when she removed the paper bag, said, “That’s not at all what I was imagining!” The crowd’s favorite was the potter whose piece collapsed. I think he actually won.
Had I been alone, I would have loved to stay and watch more of the competitions. I would have taken longer to explore the exquisite works of art for sale.
But it was time for my son’s nap, so we packed up and went home. He had a snack, then went down easily for a long nap.
Did I want more? Maybe. But if I’d been alone, I would have missed seeing my daughter’s delight and mastery. If I’d been alone, I would have missed a lesson in saying, “It is enough. My heart is full.” And if I’d been alone I might have been drawn into judgements of good art and bad, or comparisons between my creations and those of the talented artists I was watching. But my children and I were able to stay with the spirit of art as play, and each of us and our relationships together came out stronger for it.
Attached media: https://web.archive.org/web/20211110044111/https://www.questformeaning.org/podcasts/19_09/05.mp3
Unitarian Universalist and atheist
The biggest need is a sense of community & connection. That is why ppl leave congs based on religion; why non-religious onces are existing. The Unitarian Universalist don’t follow one faith. Their messages are based good will & community. They do well! @UUA
Every once in a while you get asked to do something really extraordinary... this was one of those moments and I can't wait to co-create with this amazing team supporting the work of @BlackLivesUU #BLUU #BLUUAdvisory #ATeam https://twitter.com/BlackLivesUU/status/1151940766031372294 …
Next Wednesday, July 17, we will review “Construction of Emotion.” Copies will be available after this Wednesday morning in the Philosophy mailbox right outside the UUSS office.
Full Moon Drum Circle – Tuesday, July 16, 7-8 pm. Join us in the garden or under the dome as we unite with circles around the world to drum for peace. Please bring an instrument and one to share if you have it and a snack to share if you can. Pam Crane of FUUSA leads. earthcirclesuuss@gmail.com
The Family Promise families will be staying at Waters House from July 14 to July 21. If you have received the required training, please sign up! If you need the training, Mary O’Keeffe (mathcircle@gmail.com) or Lee Danielson (danielson459@gmail.com) will be happy to set up a training time that is convenient for you. We need people to either prepare and serve dinner or to stay overnight. Thanks!
July 14: Outdoor art with Sarah Tyo and Mati Grieco-Hackett! Exploring different techniques and having fun with art outside. We will use splatter technique, bubble guns, ice cubes, and whatever comes to mind. (Please make sure your children wear clothes that are ok to get dirty, however if you forget we will have a few old large shirts to use as smocks.)
July 21: Mindful Movement with Mati and Robin Ahearn! Lighthearted & kid friendly!
July 28: Tamara Geveci and Mati!
August 4: Exploring Ideas with Jenny, Avvai, and Vinay Lippmann and Robin
August 11: Nature Art with Lyndsi Holmes-Wickert and Mati!
August 18: Naturalist Walk in the spirit of Henry David Thoreau with Mati and Robin. Bring your curiosity and outdoor attire (dress for the weather!).
The Nursery is available for children five and under during services. As always, all Children and Youth are welcome to attend worship services.
Director of Lifespan Religious Education Robin Ahearn will be out of the office through 7/12 (exploring professional development opportunities!). If you have urgent RE business during this time, contact Congregational Life Coordinator Kristin Cleveland at clc@uuschenectady.org.
@webmiss007 Thank you, Heather, for following me!#RESIST #FBR #VoteBLUE UUA #UnitarianUniversalist
@gayleallan7 @gayleallan7 Hi Gayle! TSM for following me back!!#Liberal #Atheist #UnitarianUniversalist #JerseyGirl #RandyRainbow Love animals especially my .
An open letter from white Unitarian Universalist ministers (C) https://docs.google.com/document/d/1zVsfNpC-SM3dKpqGGR2hIMDwbIaH8a1n46InWdlm95I/edit?usp=sharing …
dating service russian, oh cupid dating site, speed dating mcallen, unitarian universalist dating site, flirt dating websites, is my husband on dating websites pic.twitter.com/TopqUwNt3a
Great crowd for the Indy Folk Series! I was honored to get to open the show! Now Buffalo Wabs and the Price Hill Hustle is killing it! @ Unitarian Universalist Church of Indianapolis (UUI) https://www.instagram.com/p/BwNtc7dnSYi/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=16alf9i8koq9v …
Completely unrelated but 100% true, on my paperwork to get into Iran I said I was Unitarian Universalist (because they murder atheists). I spent weeks doing a deep dive on UU theology and people so I could survive any interrogation. They never asked about it.
Music Director - First Parish Church Unitarian Universalist - Kingston, MA http://zpr.io/gyLpK pic.twitter.com/Rxu8IhaGGW
Preach! And perhaps send them to your Unitarian Universalist church. https://twitter.com/atheistengineer/status/1111426484663574540 …
(What Is Universalism and What Is the Unitarian Universalist Association?) has been published on Latest Christian News - https://www.christiannewspost.com/what-is-universalism-and-what-is-the-unitarian-universalist-association/ …
Are you passionate about UUSS, and have you ever considered that you might have the potential to lead? It is the job of our Board of Trustees to clearly define roles and responsibilities, to empower staff and volunteers, and to focus its attention on discernment, stewardship of resources, strategy and oversight.
By serving on the Board, you will be inspired by interacting with the other talented members. You will develop valuable new skills, and you will also have lots of fun. And, you will help UUSS in profound ways to more fully achieve our Mission.
You do not need to be knowledgeable about all aspects of UUSS to serve on the Board, just be willing to learn and lead. And you must have been a voting member of the congregation for at least one year as of May 2019.
At the Annual Meeting of the Congregation on May 19, the congregation will be electing two individuals for full three-year terms beginning on July 1, 2019, plus two other individuals for one-year commitments, completing the terms of two seats on Board that are becoming vacant.
To be considered for open Board positions, please complete an application form and return it by April 7 to the Governance Advisory Committee (GAC), which will prepare a slate of candidates for submission to the Board.
Download the application form here and return it to Christy Multer at cmulter12@gmail.com by 3:00 pm on Sunday, April 7th.
Questions? Please talk to GAC members Dan Leonard, Christy Multer, John Reschovsky, Rev. Lynn, or Rev. Wendy. The Board of Trustees webpage has information you may find helpful too.
I'm a Unitarian-Universalist. I stand with my Jewish, Christian, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Shinto, Sikh, black, white, Hispanic, Asian, European, and Middle Eastern brothers and sisters. I stand against... https://www.facebook.com/chris.winfield.oregon/posts/2200623950032235 …
Reality 101 – Widening Our Circle of Compassion by Rev.Michael Dowd Rev. Michael Dowd’s guest sermon at Unitarian Universalist Metro Atlanta North on February 10, 2019. Three main... https://progressivechristianity.org/resources/reality-101-widening-our-circle-of-compassion/ …
Kind of sad they had to vote on it... my question for the people who voted “no” is why even claim to be Christian if you’re not going to act on it? Mine as well be “Unitarian Universalist” or something if you want a free for all.
Rev. Lissa Gundlach on how the Westboro protest will affect worship and her sermons at Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist: pic.twitter.com/gj81CWNaUf – At Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church
Jessica Gable, communications coordinator for Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church, said she was proud to see both the school and broader community come out against hate. pic.twitter.com/w5v6dyy0Dq – At Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church
About 5 members of @GodHatesFagsWBC are protesting outside Sequoyah High School/Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church, spurred by Rose Queen Louise Siskel being openly bisexual. pic.twitter.com/sf4U7g2by2 – At Neighborhood Unitarian Universalist Church
Also Unitarian Universalist and United Church of Christ are both LGBT welcoming. UCC is derived from UU, but kept more the Christ and Christian aspects while UU is more spiritual and welcomed all faiths.
Homestead: Who’s Profiting from Detaining Kids? - Unitarian Universalist Service Committee https://www.uusc.org/homestead-whos-profiting-from-detaining-kids/?fbclid=IwAR06B9xzHZvpRZw8g6QyS7LAAQGjvEUK6Vm5pJdic3K55wg6bTgJ93oo4_M …
Today’s services at the Unitarian Universalist church were so beautiful. If I finish all this homework tonight I wanna march in the MLK Parade with my congregation but I’m struggling
Today I learned that the only Unitarian Universalist member of Congress, Amerish "Ami" Babulal Bera, is Indian-American. (I'm both UU and Indian-American, and that's pretty damn rare.)
As a lapsed Catholic I feel vaguely guilty about not watching this Notre Dame game. But as a Unitarian Universalist, I know I won't go to hell for missing it.
Lessons and carols 10 a.m. Sunday at Dorothea Dix Unitarian Universalist Community. See more at http://dduuc.org .
Here’s a bit of #FlashbackFriday to go with your #FeaturedProjectFriday for this week: the Unitarian Universalist Church. In 1994, #ChrisTelConstruction built the 19,150 square foot campus of the Unitarian Universalist Church. pic.twitter.com/rQwxDLQJte
#ingridbelongshere #sanctuaryeverywhere @ Unitarian Universalist Church of Boulder, Colorado
This morning started with an argument, as seems to happen more often lately. It was over something silly, as is also the case most times. There were tears and slammed kitchen drawers. And eventually you stormed out in a huff to get on your bike to ride to school.
As soon as you left, I felt both relief and regret. Relief that the argument was over. Regret that we had argued, that you left with anger lingering between us.
And then, just as I was about to open the window to call out “I love you!,” you opened the door and lunged into my arms.
“I’m sorry, Mom,” you said. “I love you.”
I held you a little tighter than usual. “I’m sorry,” I said. “I love you too.”
But there was so much more I wanted to say. So much more I want to say – every day — but I don’t.
This is unchartered territory, my friend.
You tell me that I’m easier on your younger brother than I am on you, and maybe that’s true. But you are my first, and I have no means of comparison. I have no frame of reference to reassure me that, yes, this is just a phase and no, I don’t need to flip out. With him, I have the comfort of experience to assure me (albeit ever so slightly) that things will probably be okay.
But with you, well, I just don’t know. This is all new territory, and I’m so damn scared of falling short.
I see your goodness and kindness, but also your privilege. And I feel the weight and obligation of ensuring that is kept in check so that your privilege doesn’t morph into entitlement. So I rail against the “boys with be boys” mentality with an iron fist, and sometimes you are caught in the crosshairs. Sometimes you are the unintended victim of my rage at the inequalities and injustices of the world and my desperate attempts to right the wrongs of generations past. And so I obsess about seemingly insignificant things and talk too much about stuff you already know.
You are a sweet and sensitive soul, but as a white male, things will always be easier for you than they are for many other people. They just will. It’s your responsibility to use those comforts to make things better for others. And I am just so terrified that, as your mom, I won’t do a good enough job of teaching you this.
Basically, I’m terrified. All the time.
When you were a newborn, we used to spend late afternoons dancing. Anyone looking in on us would have thought, how sweet, a new mom swaying with her baby. But what they wouldn’t have known was that I did this with you simply because I didn’t know what else to do. I was exhausted and lonely and scared and didn’t know what to do with a 2-month-old baby. So we put on music and danced.
And sometimes I feel the same way now. You are just about 12 years old, and I feel a similar sense of exhaustion, loneliness, and fear. I don’t know what to do with an almost teenager, just like I didn’t know what to do with a newborn. And like in those early days of motherhood, I spend most days fending off a mild terror that I’m screwing this all up somehow.
You see, what parents don’t tell their kids – and don’t even admit to each other sometimes – is that we have no idea what we’re doing. Sure, we feel more comfortable with some decisions and we learn to trust our gut a bit, but there is always an undercurrent of fear. There are always the perpetual questions of: What should I do? Am I doing enough? Did I make the right decision?
Because through all the fear and arguments and regrets, there is this one truth:
I am absolutely in awe of you.
I am in awe of who you are and who you are becoming. I am in awe of your joyful laughter. I am in awe of your quiet confidence in who you are.
I am in awe of your seemingly effortless way of captivating a room of people, and interacting with others. I am in awe of the whole-hearted way you love your family and friends and life. I am in awe of your steady way of walking through the world.
And because of this, I’m terrified of not doing right by you.
But I don’t tell you this.
Why? Well, I don’t know if you’d understand. I don’t know if it even matters, or if it’s just parental fretting.
But, really, you would understand. It does matter. And it’s not parenting fretting.
So mostly, I don’t tell you, because I just don’t know how.
The post What I Want To Say To My Almost Teenager (But Don’t) appeared first on Scary Mommy.
Brace yourself, folks. I have a confession.
Here goes: I fucking HATE Halloween.
And I’m not just talking mild annoyance at the pumpkin spice explosion. Or cringe-worthy frustration at the (culturally) inappropriate costumes. Or eye-rolling nausea at the obnoxious hashtags and photo shoots. #mommyslittlepumpkin #makemebarf
I hate it all. I despise it. In fact, I downright loathe Halloween.
I’m the Halloween Grinch, and here’s why.
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Around our house, the Great Costume Debate typically starts sometime in early September and lingers right on through mid-October. First, there is the debate about whether to be a ghoul or a zombie (is there a difference?). Then there’s the debate about why I won’t spend $80 for a flimsy black robe and hood. And last, but certainly not least, is the arguing (and crying) that ensues when my kids decide that they don’t actually want to be a ghoul or a zombie, but instead they want to be Captain America and the Halloween Superstore is fresh out of superheroes. And I’m completely out of fucks.
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When my kids were younger, the small talk at all the neighborhood houses made the introvert in me anxious as hell. Now that my kids are older, they are at an age where they can trick or treat on their own, but that doesn’t make it any less stressful. Because now there’s planning which neighborhood they’ll walk through and which friends they’ll go with and what time they need to be home.
Not to mention that some of their friends’ parents aren’t comfortable with their kids walking alone, so then I look like the asshole parent who just left her kid to walk the streets alone. Gosh, I miss those halloweens of the ’80s when we all ditched our parents and no one fretted about it.
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The pumpkin patch is basically a trip to a field where we fork over $30 for a pumpkin you need a wagon to haul home. Then there’s the pumpkin carving mess left in the kitchen after the kids scoop out a few spoonfuls of seeds and mush and leave the rest to you. Even if you do manage to carve a hot mess into a motherfucking gourd, within a couple days, it’s going to be rotting mess that attracts gangs of squirrels to the front porch.
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There are basically two kinds of Halloween decorations: (1) disgustingly corny pumpkins and such. Or (2) ugly shit that is trying to be scary.
I’m far from a Joanna Gaines, but I’m pretty sure blood and gore doesn’t count as shabby chic.
GIPHY
As if Halloween itself weren’t bad enough, it’s just the beginning of it all. I’ll be honest, as a working mom, I’m hanging on by a thread most days. I have about 18 minutes of free time each day, and I’ve been operating on 5 hours sleep for the past decade. So the last thing I need is to add 10 extra chores to my to-do list to keep up with the holiday shitshow.
So yeah, I suppose you could say I’m a Halloween grinch. Even the candy isn’t enough to shake it out of me, though the Reese’s pumpkins do come close.
The post I Hate Halloween, And Here’s Why appeared first on Scary Mommy.
Barnes & Noble or I started going to a Unitarian Universalist church here which is basically a bunch of woke people without the toxic parts of religion
It’s a tough time to be a woman right now. Our political leaders have just laughed in our faces, mocked our pain, and given the middle finger to equality. Meanwhile, we’re forced to watch another entitled, rich, white man rise to the top. Blegh.
We’re vulnerable, angry, and fed the fuck up. Our rage is at peak level, but so is the sadness. We’re basically walking around ready to either burst into flames or sobs at any moment.
So circle up, friends. Because women supporting women is about the most badass thing we can do right now. And if you need proof, look no further than Twitter.
First off, we’re never too young for #girlpower.
Once was out for lunch with my 2yo. This jerk was complaining about his female boss. Little one slammed her hand down on the table, pointed at him and yelled ‘That’s not very nice’. He shut up. I have been learning from her ever since. #girlssupportinggirls #fuckpoliteness
— Dana (@dbjarnagage) October 6, 2018
And we’re there for each other during those tricky times.
If a girls asks me for a tampon and I don't have one for her, best believe we bouta search the entire vicinity together to find her a tampon
— Kailee
And when we need a little help from our friends (or a stranger).
Walked into a bathroom at the club, saw a security guard harassing this chick so I’m like “hey girl, I’ve been looking for you everywhere the bands about to start” took her hand and we left. Never seen her before in my life #girlssupportinggirls
— dontbeadick (@spotbakesacake) October 6, 2018
We’ve got each other’s back.
the girl in front of me in the lecture was watching grey’s anatomy, looked back and saw me staring so she put on the subtitles.
girls support girls.
— bia ❦ (@veryfawny) October 3, 2017
We are always looking out for each other.
A man plainly followed me onto my bus. Woman came to sit by me & asked if I knew he was following me. She offered to get off at my stop w me
— Natalie Jester (@NatalieJester) August 12, 2017
We know when one of us needs a pick me up…
When a group of teenage girls stop you at the convenience store to tell you that your highlight is popping and that you're gorgeous there are still good people out there
— Bren
Or a little beauty advice.
i asked this girl where she got her nails done&she googled the exact address & showed me a pic of the building THATS girls supporting girls
— frog’s breath (@rosyghoul) August 6, 2017
I asked a girl where did she cut her hair and she took an appointment for me and a discount at that hairdresser…girls support all the way!
— Hana Osman | هناء عثمان (@HanaOsman) August 8, 2017
And when the times comes to unleash our fierce, badass rage on the world, we know what to do.
ladies: what’s your makeup routine? i’m looking for a new foundation, preferably liquid but still matte and now that the men have stopped reading we riot at midnight
— aída chávez (@aidachavez) September 28, 2018
And we’re there with reinforcements.
I use a nice gloss called YOU SHOULD SMILE MORE.
— Lisa Braun Dubbels (@lisadubbels) October 2, 2018
I use a shade called RAGE and a blusher called BURN IT DOWN.
— Lisa Braun Dubbels (@lisadubbels) September 28, 2018
We’re ON IT.
I have the same trouble but with eyeliner. Apparently rosewater makes an excellent make up fixer but it's about time, see you on the battlefield, sisters.
— Deadly Knitshade (@deadlyknitshade) October 2, 2018
Ooh I’ll try that! It might help with my concealer too. My biggest problem are my under-eye bags though. I am only just starting to learn how to minimize them it’s cold in some places maybe you could bring some knitted things to keep our sisters warm
— SCARE-en James
Even though I’m 71, I
— Lynda Franka (@lyndaarizona) September 30, 2018
I’m in. My new eyebrow pencil is Definition of Rage and my ultimate fave lipstick is Cat 5 Hurricane by Survivor Scorned.
— Kristine Kenyon (@kristine_kenyon) September 30, 2018
Follow the bat signal, folks. Favorite foundation and lip gloss optional.
Makeup tips are the new bat signal. Done.
— TMarie (@tessas_marie) September 30, 2018
The post These Tweets Show The Fiery Force That Is Women Supporting Women appeared first on Scary Mommy.
This is a strange time to be a mom of boys.
In the past week alone, my sons (I don’t have any daughters) have come home from school to see news media stories talking about things like gang rape and devil’s triangle. They have seen me cry (more than usual) about things happening on the news or something I’ve read on the Internet. They have heard debates about whether we should believe him or her.
While the majority of stories being told are of the fears women face on a regular basis, there is a growing concern about our boys. What about our sons?, people say. I’m scared to be raising a boy right now.
And you know what?
As a mom of boys, I am scared. I am worried.
And let me tell you why.
– Whether they actually washed their hands after going to the bathroom
– All the “wet spots” in the bathroom
– The weird smell coming from their bedroom
– The ways that our culture of toxic masculinity will make them feel like they need to “man up” or “stuff their emotions”
– That they won’t feel like they can be a sensitive and feeling person because they are male
– That I’ll get stuck in a long, never ending conversation about Fortnite, again
– All the money they are wasting on “V bucks” for said Fortnite games
– Whether they’ll remember to put on deodorant in the morning and again after gym class
– Whether they will ever truly realize the privilege they carry as (white) males in this society
– If they’ll use that privilege for good
– Whether they will get their heart broken one day
– Whether they will stand up to their friends when they tell an inappropriate joke or say something mean
– Whether they’ll drive safely and remember to use their turn signals
– If they’ll call home enough after they leave the house one day
– That despite all the conversations we have about consent and respect that the messages they are hearing from the President and other “leaders” will filter in, that they’ll see other boys and men not being held accountable for their mistakes, that they’ll become desensitized to the disgusting and amoral behavior being justified by some people right now and somehow, in some small way, all the things that I have tried to teach them will be minimized or erased
– Whether I’m doing everything I can to raise them to be good, kind, caring, generous, sensitive people
– Whether they will be falsely accused of sexual assault one day.
Period.
The post As A Mom Of Boys, I Am Worried — And Here’s Why appeared first on Scary Mommy.
I am a child of the ’80s. So, by all definitions, I should be able to quote The Princess Bride, know the founding members of the Brat Pack, and worship at the altar of Carrie Fisher. The trouble is, our family didn’t have cable, and I rarely went to the movies. I didn’t know Carrie Fisher was the actress who played Princess Leia until about 6 years ago – because I hadn’t seen Star Wars until 6 years ago. I still don’t know who the Brat Pack is, and I hadn’t seen The Princess Bride until recently.
I know, I know. I’m an embarrassment to my generation and all that. Except you know what? Many of those movies that we swoon over from our childhoods are actually pretty terrible. Sure, Carrie Fisher was a bona fide badass, and Star Wars is every bit as amazing as it’s hailed to be. But the rest of it? Well, it’s trash — mostly for the hidden and smack-you-in-the-face-obvious sexist and racist messages. And if it isn’t total trash, it’s a whole lot of blah and meh and what-was-the-big-deal-anyway.
I’m probably committing some kind of blasphemy with this list, but here are just a few cult classics that are actually pretty awful.
MGM/Chartoff-Winkler Productions/United Artists
I’m no boxing fan, so that probably should have been my first tip-off that I wouldn’t love this movie, but I truly don’t understand the appeal. Even if you can appreciate the “underdog” aspect, there are a lot of big, glaring problems in this movie. Like Rocky’s treatment of Adrian, for one. Within the first few minutes of watching the movie, I’d had several conversations with my kids about consent and misogyny which led to a mom-lecture about how, when Adrian said she wasn’t comfortable in Rocky’s apartment, he should have said, “Okay, I’ll walk you home.” No means no, people!
MGM/Act III Communications/21st Century Fox
I’ll admit, the movie is pretty funny, but what’s the deal with Princess Buttercup? She is the Worst. Character. Ever. I’ll grant you the Inigo is hilarious and all that. But why are all the good characters in the movie men? The only female character is the movie is absolutely worthless. It was a little hard to watch with my boys without launching into a lecture – and they had enough of those with Rocky.
RSO Records/Paramount Pictures
The first song of the year actually condones date rape with its “Tell me more, tell me more, did she put up a fight?” line. WTAF! This whole movie with its slut shaming, patriarchal stereotypes, and blurred lines about consent is just one big dumpster fire of awful.
Lara de Lille / YouTube
It truly pains me to include this movie on the list, but sometimes even the great ones disappoint us. As much as I love me some Jake Ryan (who doesn’t swoon when he says, “yeah, you” at the end?), there are just too many problematic things in this movie, including the date rapey scene with Samantha and “the geek” at the end. Not to mention it’s kinda racist AF.
MGM
I’m not even sure where to start with this one. First of all, the plot is boring and it’s not that funny. Then there are the ’40s-era stereotypes, mocking of different cultures, and abusive parenting tactics. At least with this one, it was my kids who were appalled – why is she putting soap in her kid’s mouth?! That’s just mean!
Now before you call me a stick-in-the-mud who can’t appreciate ’80s pop culture, I do appreciate a bunch of ’80s cult classics that withstand the test of time: Star Wars (Carrie Fisher is the epitome of badassery), Stand By Me and Dirty Dancing (#BestMovieEver). And I still haven’t seen Indiana Jones or Fast Times At Ridgemont High or Heathers (I told you I had a sheltered childhood) so I’m reserving judgment on those.
The post 5 Movie ‘Favorites’ That Are Actually Pretty Awful appeared first on Scary Mommy.
Growing up, I shared a bedroom with my younger sister. We lived in a small split-level house that had fewer bedrooms than people so there was really no other choice. Since we were only 17 months apart in age, our lives overlapped in a lot of ways – we had many of the same friends, were in the same sports, and shared clothes. So as a kid, sharing a room was just one more way in which my life seemed to be perpetually intertwined with my sister’s.
And not always in a good way.
As kids, we would tape lines down the middle of our room, including dresser drawers and closets. These boundaries usually lasted a couple days until one of us was out of clean socks and needed to gain passage to “the other side” of the room to borrow a pair of clean ones. My sister kept me up at night with her late night chatting, and as a teen, I quickly grew tired of her eavesdropping on my phone conversations.
I wanted space and independence, dammit. And back then, I was certain that when I had I kids, I would do whatever it took so they could each have their own room.
Well, fast-forward 20 years, and I am firmly and forever on #TeamShareARoom.
Even though my two kids could technically have their own room, for better or worse, they bunk together. And here’s why.
Throughout their lives, they will likely have to share space with another human – whether it’s a college roommate, a spouse, or a co-worker. Sharing a bedroom as kids gives them practice at dealing with the bullshit and annoyances that come along with sharing space. The way I see it, I’m giving them good practice at dealing with that co-worker who leaves food in the office fridge too long or a spouse who can’t seem to get their socks in the laundry hamper. Ideally, it’s teaching them to not leave their food in the office fridge too long and to put their socks in the hamper.
You’re welcome, future co-workers and spouses.
Sure, those memories might be of me hollering up the stairs for them to GO THE EFF TO SLEEP!, but they’ll be memories nonetheless. Ideally, the memories will also include late-night conversations or helping each other with homework one day, but I’m a realist.
Given that my kids are 3.5 years apart, their lives don’t overlap as much as my sister’s and mine did. But I can already see the ways they are bonding because they share a room. There are many days when they bicker from morning to night, but then within a few minutes of “lights out,” I’ll hear them giggling about some inside joke or whispering about something that happened at school.
My younger son has opened up to his older brother about problems he was having at school, and my older son tells him about something cool he learned in middle school history class. By the end of the day, I’m pretty much done so I have no use for bedtime shenanigans, and they often use each other for comfort.
Full disclosure: I’m a minimalist at heart. Extra clutter and “stuff” fills me with anxiety. That said, even aside from my propensity for a “less is more” lifestyle, it’s pretty obvious that our society has become a teensy bit obsessed with the bigger is better mentality. We have smaller families but live in bigger houses than ever before – and, quite frankly, it isn’t doing our world any good. By sharing a room, my kids are learning how to occupy less space. They are learning that stuff — houses, bedrooms, belongings — aren’t as important as relationships.
My kids have shared a room for the past 5 years or so, and despite some grumbling now and then, it’s been one of the best parenting decisions we’ve ever made. It took some convincing to get my husband to come around to the whole idea (big surprise: he didn’t share a room growing up), but even he would agree that it’s been a good move.
Our oldest son is precariously close to the teen years, which will likely complicate things a bit, but they’ll just have to figure out how to make it work. Because I firmly believe that sharing a room provides lasting benefits that far outweigh any of the downsides.
So sorry, kids, but you’ll be sharing a room for the next several years, whether you like it or not. And yes, one day, you’ll thank me.
Even if that “thank you” doesn’t come through actual words, but because you also make your own kids share a room too.
The post Damn Right, I’m Making My Kids Share A Room — Here’s Why appeared first on Scary Mommy.
Vegfest Eastern Iowa was the bee's knees @ Unitarian Universalist Society https://www.instagram.com/p/BoWjB4QgQhA/?utm_source=ig_twitter_share&igshid=ljkqqeey5e4e …
Ahh, weddings… Who doesn’t love them? There’s love and romance, charcuterie boards and hors d’oeuvres, cocktails and cheesy ‘80s music. What isn’t to love about weddings?
Well, the drama, for one. We all know that weddings can make people a little bonkers, to say the least. I once got into a weeks long “debate” with my mom over chair covers. Chair covers, people! (Side note: she came around to the idea and they looked freaking amazing, I might add.)
But sometimes the wedding madness goes beyond chair covers and decisions about whether to invite your cousin Carol and her bratty kids. Sometimes weddings can turn people into obnoxious asshats, who are dead set on sucking every ounce of joy out of the wedding in their misguided attempts to create the perfect wedding day. (Newsflash, folks: perfect is overrated.)
So lest you want to become the subject of wedding fodder, it’s best to avoid the following:
If you can believe it, this woman tried to charge each of her wedding guests $1,500 to attend the ceremony. Yes, you read that right. FIFTEEEN HUNDRED DOLLARS. And then when folks didn’t cough up the cash, she cancelled the wedding.
“How could we have OUR wedding that WE dreamed of without proper funding?” she wrote. “We sacrificed so much and only asked each guest for around $1,500.”
BAHAHAHAHA. We’re cry laughing too. We’ll give you a minute to wipe the tears from your eyes.
Being asked to be in someone’s wedding party is a big responsibility. We get it. But you’re supposed to be friends, right?
Earlier this year, Twitter user Courtney Duffy shared an email she received from a bride kicking her out of the wedding posse. Duffy then took to social media with her tale, asking airline JetBlue to help her out.
“SOS JetBlue! Booked my X-C flights for a wedding, then was asked ‘to relinquish’ my ‘duties as a bridesmaid’ & mail my bridesmaid outfit X-C so another girl could fill in and wear it (Happy bday to me!),” she wrote. “I am laughing & crying & must avoid this wedding at all costs. Pls help?”
Yes, we understand that you want your big day to be “perfect.” But slow your roll, Janet, you are not the motherfucking queen of the universe here, so you can just CTFD with your requests for expensive gifts, bans on certain hairstyles, and fashion mandates.
This bridezilla from hell recently became internet (in)famous for her ridiculous list of demands that includes “do not wear white, cream or ivory” and “do not wear anything other than a basic bob or ponytail” and “must come with gift of $75 or more.”
Kindly refrain from upstaging the bride on her big day — oh, and no admission without a gift of $75 or more from ChoosingBeggars
We’re gonna go out on a limb and guess that the number of weddings guests was pretty low. As in we’d be surprised if anyone showed up at all.
Weddings aren’t generally known for being “cheap” or “easy,” so if a bride or groom asks us to be in their wedding party, we know it’ll come with a price tag.
BUT.
We don’t expect to be asked to take out a second mortgage on our house, sell a kidney, or cash our kids’ college fund just to be able to be in your wedding. It’s bad enough that we’re asked to cough up several hundred dollars on an outfit we likely won’t wear again, please don’t ask us to pay for airline tickets to the other side of the globe just so you can get married in front of one of the Seven Wonders of the World. And while we’re at it, no, you can’t demand people to be flying across the globe on a separate trip to give you a “last fling before the ring” either.
Sometimes the bridezilla isn’t even the bride. This monster-of-the-bride wrote in to Salon’s Dear Prudence advice column asking whether it was okay to ask the bride to exclude her best friend – who happens to have a limp – from the wedding party. Yep, you read that right. This parent wanted to exclude their daughter’s BFF from the wedding party because she walks with a limp.
I am no longer of this earth. This letter has killed me. https://t.co/McnBl7wsfS pic.twitter.com/vAK3xsWiVh
— Nicole Cliffe (@Nicole_Cliffe) September 6, 2017
There is so much wrong with this hot mess of a letter — not even sure where to start. First, this is one of the meanest and ugliest things ever written, and I can’t even believe this has to be said, but a limp is nothing to be ashamed of. Reminder: this isn’t even the parent’s wedding (but their daughter’s wedding), so back the fuck off, Mom (or Dad).
But most importantly, what the hell is wrong with this person?
As Daniel Mallory Ortberg, the voice behind the Dear Prudence column, concluded in his response letter: “I encourage you to profoundly reconsider the orientation of your heart.”
Indeed.
The post These Bridezillas Are Just THE WORST appeared first on Scary Mommy.
Went to a Unitarian Universalist church today and it was one of the most welcoming experiences I’ve had in a while. It’s cool to see a spiritual community committed to social justice
More at First Unitarian Universalist Church of Austin Celebration Sunday. https://www.facebook.com/chris.jimmerson/videos/10213177844543065/ …
First Unitarian Universalist Church of Austin this morning. https://www.facebook.com/chris.jimmerson/videos/10213177739180431/ …
True story: all my paperwork going into Iran lists the Unitarian Universalist church as my denomination. Mammaw would not be happy.
There are people who follow directions, and there are those who take a more, shall we say, flexible approach. I am the latter. It’s...
The post Some Assembly Required So Follow The Directions. Or Not. Whatever. appeared first on Christine Organ.
WWUUD stream 