“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life, but define yourself.”
― Harvey Fierstein

Who have you had to defy in order to define yourself?

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A crucial part of how we understand ourselves and our place in the world comes from our experiences of trust—of being safe and known and secure. The world is a scary place, but our experiences of safety and shelter give us the security to move through it with courage.

Who has sheltered you? Who do you shelter?

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“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.”
― Coco Chanel

What inspires you to choose boldly who you are and what you want?

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When we think of the defining moments of our lives, the challenges and tragedies most often come to mind—loss of a job or a relationship, death of a loved one, severe health challenges. But what if we saw our lives as being shaped just as strongly by the moments of great delight—the swim in a mountain lake, the glimpse of a double rainbow, the perfect cup of coffee on a chilly morning?

What moments of delight have shaped how you understand your life?

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“It’s like everyone tells a story about themselves inside their own head. Always. All the time. That story makes you what you are. We build ourselves out of that story.”
― Patrick Rothfuss

What piece of your story do you most often repeat to yourself

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Call it a crew, a posse, a gang, a book club, a coffee klatch or your BFFs, the people we hang out with are a crucial part of our identity. What we think and how we act are shaped in countless large and subtle ways by the circle of people who are close to us.

What group that you belong to most shapes your identity?

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“Most people are other people. Their thoughts are someone else’s opinions, their lives a mimicry, their passions a quotation.”
― Oscar Wilde

Who do you imitate?

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“Most people are planted in someone else’s soil, which means they’re a carbon copy. I say to them, uproot yourself. Get into your own soil. You may be surprised who you really are.”
― Jackie Shane, trans pioneer

When have you chosen to transplant yourself to live a more authentic life?

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“I am no bird; and no net ensnares me: I am a free human being with an independent will.”
― Charlotte Brontë

What “net” holds you back from expressing your true identity?

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June is the month of Gay Pride. But it’s just fine if you want to celebrate other facets of your identity, especially if they are aspects that society denigrates or ignores. There’s plenty of glitter to go around.

What aspect of your identity would you like to celebrate?

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“Nothing of me is original. I am the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.”
― Chuck Palahniuk

Who has most shaped your identity?

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We generally don’t notice our shadows when we are walking about. But it’s entirely possible that you are casting a long shadow, having an impact that you did not foresee, intend or even know about.

When have you learned after the fact about a way that you affected someone’s life?

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“Define yourself radically as one beloved by God. This is the true self. Every other identity is illusion.”
― Brennan Manning

What helps you to remember that you are inherently loved?

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Why not? Why not love your own face, the face of a beloved, the face of a stranger? We’re taught to judge, to correct, to improve, to cover up flaws and paint on features. Why not just love what is there?

Please share something that is lovely about your face.

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“I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art.”
― Madonna

How do you experiment with your identity?

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Some ways we express our identities—like clothes, makeup and jewelry—are easy to put on and take off, and let us show different sides to the world on a daily basis. Some identities change in major ways in the middle of our lives, like becoming a parent or changing religious affiliation. Some identities, like race or family history, are with us for a lifetime.

What aspect of your identity has shifted the most? What has remained the most stable?

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“Perhaps it’s impossible to wear an identity without becoming what you pretend to be.”
― Orson Scott Card

What identity have you taken on because circumstances demanded it?

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A large part of who we are is our relationships, the bonds of love and history and responsibility that tie us together, that give our lives shape and meaning.

What is a relationship that is a big part of your understanding of who you are?

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“What we know matters, but who we are matters more.”
― Brené Brown

When has learning about something outside you helped you to better understand who you are?

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One important piece of identity is having boundaries. One important use of boundaries is to refuse to accept harmful words or assumptions that others want to lay on you. Civil discourse in invaluable, but sometimes you just need to tell people “talk to the hand.”

How have you shut down words that were harmful to you or others?

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“The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

How have you found yourself in helping others?

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“You are the light of the world…. Let your light so shine.” The famous passage from Matthew reminds us that the proper thing to do with a light is to put it where it can be seen. What’s the point of a light if no one can see it? And did you forget that you are a light?

How do you shine your light out into the world?

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“We know what we are, but not what we may be.”
― William Shakespeare

Imagine yourself ten years from now—how has your identity shifted?

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Cooking—even comparatively plain food—is rather a magic act. Ingredients are transformed by heat and proximity into something entirely different than what they were to begin with. Every cook is a magician.

What is your favorite dish to cook?

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“That’s what comes of hungering for something: you forget to check if it’s rotten before you gobble it down.”
― Holly Black

When has getting something you hungered for turned out to not be good for you?

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Making coffee for people all day long is not one of the world’s more glamorous or well-paid jobs. On the other hand, you are providing something that so many people feel is essential to their life, happiness, or ability to function.

How is your work received in the world?

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“There are stories in the air as thick as birds around me, he would say. I will save those stories from starving he would say. I have a great hunger for stories, he would say.”
― Brian Doyle

How do you feed your hunger for stories?

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There’s something sad about an empty bottle. After all, its whole point is to serve as a container for something. But a container wouldn’t be much use if you couldn’t open it up and empty it out. In the best of worlds the process of filling up and emptying out repeats over and over in a continuing pattern of receiving and giving.

What fills you up? How do you share that with others?

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“It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.”
― George Eliot

What is something beautiful and good that you hunger for?

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It’s not hard to imagine someone being hungry for a burger, but a burger that is hungry—that’s quite a different thing! Then again, we often concentrate on what we want, what we are hungry for, without paying much attention to what the rest of the world might want from us. Maybe the image of a hungry burger is a reminder to stay aware of the wants and needs that surround us.

When have you been surprised to recognize a need that ran counter to what you expected to get?

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“When I give food to the poor, they call me a saint. When I ask why the poor have no food, they call me a communist.”
― Dom Helder Camara

How would you like to see the problem of hunger addressed?

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Camels are famously able to go for long periods of time without eating and drinking. But it’s not that camels live without food or water—they rely on their ability to store up reserves when food and drink are plentiful, so that they are equipped for the lean times.

What helps you to build up reserves of energy and strength to get through the difficult times?

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“Who is to say plutonium is more powerful than, say, rice? One takes away a million lives, the other saves a hundred times as many.”
― N.K. Jemisin

In what ways to you experience having power?

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Perhaps your craving is for chocolate, or for coffee. Maybe your craving is for affirmation or attention or status. It’s hard to imagine that anyone gets through this life without some kind of hunger that is never completely filled, that always leaves us longing for just a little bit more.

What do you crave? How do you address that craving?

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“Hungry man, reach for the book: it is a weapon.”
― Bertolt Brecht

What book has inspired you to create change?

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Hospitality is the art of welcoming people in—of recognizing their needs and going beyond to help them feel honored and cherished. Whether we are welcoming family members to dinner, a friend for the weekend or refugees into a shelter, when we set the table or make up a bed we perform the tender, holy tasks of generosity and welcome.

How do you enjoy offering hospitality?

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“In today’s world hunger for sanity seems to be more intense than our hunger for food.”
― Munia Khan

What feeds your hunger for sanity in today’s crazy world?

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How do you know what you hunger for if you have never tried it? Even for those of us who have been on this planet for several decades, there is so much we’ve never tried, never tasted. There are plenty of new things to be explored, but rarely someone willing to spoon-feed us the experience.

What new thing have you tried lately?

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“But I don’t want comfort. I want God, I want poetry, I want real danger, I want freedom, I want goodness. I want sin.”
― Aldous Huxley

What do you want? What comfort would you be willing to give up to get it?

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For the fish, the transition from peaceful swimming to disappearing down a bird’s gullet must be a shock—if there is even time to register what is happening. For the bird, the process is carefully planned, but routine—perhaps what we might experience navigating a complicated highway interchange. The line between calamity and daily routine depends entirely on where you stand.

How do you find empathy for the calamities of others? How do you invite others into understanding what is devastating to you?

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“Hunger gives flavour to the food.”
― Amit Kalantri

When has the lack of something made you appreciate it?

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So many choices in so little space. And so often when we experience hunger—physical or emotional—we have a hard time knowing just what it is that we are hungry for.

What helps you discern just what it is you are hungering for?

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“Vision gives meaning to grace just as hunger gives meaning to food.”
― Paul Bamikole

What possibility lends meaning to your life?

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Whether or not hunting appeals to you personally, this much is true: each of us lives at the cost of other lives. What feeds us is the end of some other being’s life—plant or animal. Beings eating at the cost of other beings dying is simply the way life works.

How do you express gratitude to the beings who feed you?

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“Just a grain can bring a bird down from the skies.”
― Vineet Raj Kapoor

What small thing deeply calls to you?

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“A man will seek to express his relation to the stars; but when a man’s consciousness has been riveted upon obtaining a loaf of bread, that loaf of bread is as important as the stars.”
― Richard Wright

What do you need to address in your life before you can think about loftier goals?

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Often it’s best to judge carefully, to consider options and implications, to be thoughtful and cautious in moving toward what we think we want. But sometimes you just need to move in with gusto, before the delicious popsicle melts to a sticky mess, before the opportunity is gone.

When have you leapt after something you hungered for?

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“Leaves will forever hunger for the brightness of the sun, and the darkness of the shade.”
― Anthony T. Hincks

What do you hunger for that you also desire its opposite?

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Sometimes what we hunger for is not just out of reach, it is forbidden. Maybe because we know it could harm us, maybe because our taking what we want could harm others, maybe simply because there are rules or conventions that tell us what we want is not allowed.

How have you handled wanting something that was forbidden to you?

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“My life always seems hopeless when it’s been too long since I’ve eaten.”
― Ann Leckie

What problem has been simpler to solve than you anticipated?

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A letter sealed under wax. A conversation with a loved one that you have not dared to have.  We hunger to connect, to know, to understand, but sometimes it feels like the obstacles are simply too great to get through.

What keeps you from making a connection that you hunger for?

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“There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread.”
― Mother Teresa

Where is your hunger for appreciation fed?

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We call something “screwed up” when it’s broken, but really screws are a means of putting things back together, or assembling things for the first time.

When have you screwed something up by fixing it—or fixed something by screwing it up?

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“Many stories matter. Stories have been used to dispossess and to malign. But stories can also be used to empower, and to humanize. Stories can break the dignity of a people. But stories can also repair that broken dignity.”
― Chimamanda Adichie

What story has helped to heal you?

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We tend to think of restoration as something that happens to surfaces, as when you sand and varnish a scratched or stained table top. But sometimes the work of restoration requires that we go deeper to locate where damage has been done and where healing can occur.

How have you found healing through going deep?

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“I just hope that more people will ignore the fatalism of the argument that we are beyond repair. We are not beyond repair. We are never beyond repair.” –Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez

What are you working to repair, even if it seems beyond hope?

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It’s important to remember the big picture, but the reality is that some things are simply too big to take in all at once, and you have to narrow your focus to learn anything at all.

What have you learned by narrowing your focus?

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“All men make mistakes, but a good man yields when he knows his course is wrong, and repairs the evil. The only crime is pride.”
― Sophocles

When have you had the humility to see that you were off course, and to repair the damage?

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“If it can’t be reduced, reused, repaired, rebuilt, refurbished, refinished, resold, recycled or composted, then it should be restricted, redesigned or removed from production.”
― Pete Seeger

What have you chosen to do without for the sake of the earth’s health?

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“We need acts of restoration, not only for polluted waters and degraded lands, but also for our relationship to the world. We need to restore honor to the way we live, so that when we walk through the world we don’t have to avert our eyes with shame, so that we can hold our heads up high and receive the respectful acknowledgment of the rest of the earth’s beings.”
― Robin Wall Kimmerer

How do you seek to honor, and be honored by, the earth’s beings?

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“Inspire others every day” seems like a pretty big ask. I mean, sometimes just inspiring ourselves to do the laundry or take out the trash seems like more than enough. But who can say what aspects of our lives might be inspiring others without our even knowing it?

What would you like to inspire in others?

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“But the world I wanted wasn’t the world I lived in, and if I would do nothing until I could repair every terrible thing at once, I would do nothing forever.”
― Naomi Novik

What small step have you taken to deal with an insurmountable problem?

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The way we see ourselves is inevitably fractured, an amalgamation of our experiences and what has been reflected back to us by various people throughout our lives. There is no perfect mirror to show the soul. The best we can do is to boldly, carefully and lovingly paint the image that feels true.

What is an aspect of yourself that you want the world to see?

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Ecosystems are continually rebuilding themselves. A fallen tree is not simply nature’s garbage, a dead thing in the way—it is a part of the ongoing process of building and rebuilding a forest. The forest floor is as much a part of the healthy whole as the canopy of leaves.

How are you nourished by the life of someone who has died?

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It’s fun to see pictures of people or houses or cars before and after they have undergone a makeover. Sometimes it’s hard to see how they could be images of the same person or thing. Restoration is a process of recognizing what was there all along, and bringing it to light.

What have you been able to recognize and bring forward so that others could see it as well?

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“But to punish and not to restore, that is the greatest of all offences.”
― Alan Paton

When have you chosen to pursue restoration when you were tempted to punish?

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Sometimes restoration is simply not possible—there is no way to get things back to the way they were. But sometimes it is possible to make something new out of the wreckage, like a mosaic from the shards of broken pottery.

How have you found or made something new out of what could not be restored?

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Being out of tune is a problem of damaged relationships—the notes on an instrument or between instruments have become out of sync, discordant. Tuning an instrument is a careful, meticulous and sometimes tedious process of careful listening and small adjustments to restore the harmony of the relationships between notes.

What do you do to keep your relationships in tune?

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“Joanna Macy writes that until we can grieve for our planet we cannot love it—grieving is a sign of spiritual health. But it is not enough to weep for our lost landscapes; we have to put our hands in the earth to make ourselves whole again. Even a wounded world is feeding us. Even a wounded world holds us, giving us moments of wonder and joy. I choose joy over despair.”
― Robin Wall Kimmerer

How do you find joy in caring for the earth?

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We speak disparagingly of “a Band-Aid solution” as something that doesn’t really solve an underlying problem. But sometimes what is needed is just a little protective space in which healing can take place.

When has a small solution been just what you needed?

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“Words and eggs must be handled with care.
Once broken they are impossible
things to repair.”
― Anne Sexton

How have you addressed it when someone has broken their word with you?

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For those of us who are not rocks, balance is not a fixed point, but a continual process. When we walk, our weight shifts and with each step we catch ourselves and restore ourselves to balance. But so many other aspects of life—work, play, family, learning, rest—require a continual process of recognizing when we are falling out of balance and a push to try to restore ourselves to the point where life feels, if not perfectly balanced, then at least closer to that point where we don’t feel like we’re falling.

What do you do to try to restore yourself to balance?

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“The work of restoration cannot begin until a problem is fully faced.”
― Dan Allender

What problem are you currently facing?

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 “It seems to me we can never give up longing and wishing while we are still alive. There are certain things we feel to be beautiful and good, and we must hunger for them.”
― George Eliot

What beautiful thing do you hunger for?

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A ship’s anchor is a massive weight, but sometimes we are anchored by the smallest things—the touch of a finger, a few kind words, a smile, a bright bird—that connects us back to our sense of belonging to the world.

What has anchored you to your world today?

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“The shape of my life is, of course, determined by many things; my background and childhood, my mind and its education, my conscience and its pressures, my heart and its desires.”
― Anne Morrow Lindbergh

How have your desires shaped your life?

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We use the world “wanderlust” to describe the longing to see the world, to travel out and encounter new people, new places, new experiences. But, of course, the world is also exactly where you are right now, and I guarantee that however long you have been in a place, there are aspects of it that you have not yet seen.

What of the world do you wish you could see?

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“I cannot rest, I must draw, however poor the result, and when I have a bad time come over me it is a stronger desire than ever.”
― Beatrix Potter

What desire to create pulls at you?

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Maybe someone has thrown you a lifeline, just the help you needed in a time when you felt you could be going under. Or maybe you have felt pulled under by someone who expected you to save them when it wasn’t in your power. This saving and being saved is a complicated thing. It helps to remember that a life preserver is something you throw from the boat while you, yourself, remain aboard.

What has been you best experience of saving or being saved? What has been your worst?

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“If you don’t get everything you want, think of the things you don’t get that you don’t want.”
― Oscar Wilde

What are you happier without?

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The butterfly’s desire is for the sweetness of the flower. The flower’s desire is for the butterfly to carry is pollen away to the next flower. And our desire is for the beauty of butterfly and flower, which is created without the least care for what we want.

How do you provide joy for others simply by doing what brings you delight?

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“But he did not understand the price. Mortals never do. They only see the prize, their heart’s desire, their dream…. But the price of getting what you want, is getting what you once wanted.”
― Neil Gaiman

What has been a price you paid for getting what you wanted?

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The goal of advertising, what stokes the fires of capitalism, is for us to want more and more, to consume our way toward happiness. Except, of course, that the philosophy of “more and more” is never satisfied, so we are never supposed to actually be happy and content.

How do you find yourself being caught in the pull of “more and more”?

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Robert Browning famously wrote: “a man’s reach should exceed his grasp, or what’s a heaven for?” But when you can’t quite touch what you’re aiming for, it doesn’t feel all that heavenly in the moment. Maybe heaven is not the fulfillment of our desires, but process of moving toward them.

What goal gives you joy in its pursuit, rather than its achievement?

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Each single grape is a thing of beauty—sweet/tart, juicy, a burst of delight on the tongue. But who stops with one grape? Sometimes delight comes in great bunches, more than anyone could ever have expected, but not more than anyone could want.

What fills you with an abundance of delight?

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“Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know—because once I wanted something and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly, Dot, and when I got it it turned to dust in my hand.”
― F. Scott Fitzgerald

What desire has turned to dust when you got it?

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“Do not spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; remember that what you now have was once among the things you only hoped for.”
― Epicurus

What do you have now that was once only a longing?

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So much separates us. But it might just be that the wall between us is really just a fence, with room between the slats to reach through.

What moves you to reach through barriers?

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There is much to be said for a life of moderation and sense—except that we only enter the realm of the truly remarkable when fueled by passion and driven by burning desire.

When has passion led you achieve or experience something amazing?

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“If you suffer and make your loved ones suffer, there is nothing that can justify your desire.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh

What desire have you given up to diminish suffering for yourself or the world?

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The image of two hearts joined as one is charming—until you realize just how easily that heart can be broken apart. The fulfillment or our heart’s longing is always a temporary condition.

What helps you to deal with the reality of change and loss?

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“You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.”
― Mick Jagger

When have you found that you got what you needed rather than what you wanted?

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There is a depressingly large gap between the world of justice and peace that we long for and the reality of the world as it is. Possibility happens when we have the courage to step into that gap.

What is one thing you do to create the world you long for?

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Jehovah’s Witnesses have a practice of going door to door sharing religious tracts designed to convince you to adopt their religious beliefs. Which can be annoying when you don’t share those beliefs. But maybe the world would be a better place if we went door to door promoting certain essential truths.

If you were going to hand out a tract door to door, what truth would it be about?

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Jesus said “I am the way, the truth and the life.” Then again, Lao Tzu said “The way that can be followed is not the eternal way.” It turns out that on some important subjects, the experts do not agree.

What experts do you turn to as you try to find your way?

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It’s annoying, right? The guy who needs to impress you with his knowledge on a subject that you already know more about than he does—or a subject that you simply weren’t interested in being lectured on. Speaking our truth matters. So does making sure that we have chosen wisely when and to whom we need to speak that truth.

How do you judge when it is appropriate and useful to share your knowledge?

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Seeing the world through rose colored glasses, viewing everything as more positive and optimistic than the facts would indicate, is a kind of lying, or denial of facts. But it can also make the world considerably more habitable.

What fictions do you choose to maintain for the sake of your sanity?

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 “Art is the lie that enables us to realize the truth.”
― Pablo Picasso

What art work speaks truth to you?

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We stand in the dark, gleaning inspiration from the light that travels to us across billions of years and unfathomable miles. But each of us also sends our tiny light out into the universe, never knowing who might catch a glimpse of our lives and be inspired.

What do you hope some person in the future might see of your life?

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