Happy New Year to you all.

Here are my top 10 predictions on sexuality, religion, and public life for 2012. Tell me what you think!

10. The Republican candidate for President will run on an unambiguous anti-choice platform.
Regardless of who the candidate is, this isn't too much of a stretch. All of the candidates in the Republican race are anti-choice; the only question is HOW anti-choice the candidate will be. Rick Santorum, who came in second in the Iowa Caucuses, even would be willing to let availability of contraception become a state issue.

9. The White House will disappoint pro-choice supporters, again. We will see a return to more pronouncements about reducing the numbers of abortions rather than the NEED for abortion.
Despite assurances from the White House that they are pro-choice, in 2011, the Secretary of DHHS stopped Plan B from being available without a prescription to adolescents and access to abortion was stripped from health care reform. The White House will continue to reach out to conservative voters by not standing strong on access to abortion services.

8. The Republican candidate for President will be anti-full equality for LGBT persons and will speak out against same sex marriage. See my comments under #10. It is only a matter of degree.

7. The President will NOT support same sex marriage in 2012. Despite being the most pro-lgbt President in history, the President in courting conservative voters will not speak out for marriage equality -- despite what I believe must be his support in his heart.

6. Several major political and/or religious figures will be involved in extramarital sex that will be exposed publicly. In 2011, we learned about Anthony Weiner and Herman Cain and more than we cared to about John Edward's bad decisions and actions. It will keep happening in 2012.

5. Child sexual abuse in faith communities, universities, and schools will continue to be exposed -- and continue to happen. Despite -- or maybe because of - - the national teachable moment on Penn State, more allegations of child sexual abuse by people in authority will be revealed. I hope that more attention will be paid to child sexual abuse PREVENTION in 2012.

4. The issue of full inclusion of lesbian and gays will continue to be debated in mainstream denominations, and The United Methodist Church General Assembly will be focused on this issue. I fear that once again The United Methodist Church will narrowly defeat changing its position on homosexuality to one of greater inclusion and welcome.

3. Marriage equality will continue to move forward in 2012. The American electorate will continue to support marriage equality in increasing numbers. Washington State will pass marriage equality, following yesterday's support by its governor. Attempts to roll back marriage equality will not be successful.

2. The teenage birth rate, which reached its lowest level in 2011 in 70 years, will continue to decrease. Teenagers will continue to act more responsibly about their sexuality, as they have increasingly done in the past decade.

1. Progressive religious voices that support sexual justice will continue to grow in the public debate. More and more religious leaders will speak out for sexual health, sexuality education, and full inclusion of women and LGBT people in 2012 -- at least if the Religious Institute has anything to do about it. More seminaries will meet the criteria of a sexually healthy seminary, more denominations will require sexuality education of their clergy candidates, and more congregations will address sexual health. Stay tuned for progress on this one.

Happy New Year!!

On Christmas Eve this year, I offered a homily on Jesus at the Unitarian Church in Westport. That might not be unusual in most churches on Christmas Eve, but it's the first time, I've devoted a sermon to exploring who Jesus might be to Unitarian Universalists, who Jesus is to me, a Jewish Unitarian Universalist minister.

On this 10th day of Christmas, I offer excerpts of it here to you:

The most frequent question I am asked after I give the elevator speech on Unitarian Universalism, is “Do Unitarians celebrate Xmas?” When I answer “yes”, the next question often is “why would Unitarians celebrate the birth of Jesus?”

Or, do we celebrating the birth of Jesus? After all, most of us reject the ideas that we’ve been reading and singing about tonight – agreeing with the historical view of the Jesus Seminar, that “Jesus was not born of a virgin, not born of David’s lineage, not born in Bethlehem, that there was no stable, no shepherds, no star, no Magi, no massacre of the infants, and no flight into Egypt.” We also know that December 25th is an arbitrary date for Jesus’ birth, chosen some time in the fourth century.

So what are we doing here? For those of you from Christian backgrounds, the answer may be rooted in your family traditions and memories of past Christmases. Many of us love the Christmas traditions, the carols, the tree, the lights, and yes, church on Christmas Eve. For some of us from non-Christian backgrounds, including those of us who earlier tonight may have celebrated Chanukah in our homes, it may be the chance to share in what is now largely an American holiday, or to acknowledge that our more recently adopted Unitarian Universalist identity is rooted in Jewish and Christian tradition. Most of us are also here to celebrate the magic we make here on this night with its bells, candles, songs, family, and our beloved community.

But, I’d like to think that for many of us it does have to do with Jesus…not the Christ, but Jesus the mystic, rabbi, teacher, prophet and exemplar.

Now I didn’t know much about Jesus growing up. I’ve told you about how in second grade, bullied by my Catholic classmates into learning the catechism, I went home and asked my parents, “how come you haven’t told me about the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost?” I remember being called a “Christ killer” by a fellow third grader and being completely confused. I remember being puzzled by the flowing haired picture of Jesus in some of my friend’s living room – a picture that was referred to in seminary as the Breck boy Jesus – often next to pictures of John F. Kennedy and Martin Luther King, Jr. “Jesus Christ” was also a swear word used in my home; when a grown up was really upset, they might even say, “Jesus Christ Almighty.” The irony of my parent’s using that as an expletive with no context was lost on them and me.

I frankly wasn’t interested and when I think back about it, surprisingly uncurious about who this Jesus was and why he was important to so many. I didn’t really learn about Jesus until I started divinity school in 1996, when a professor suggested that I read the New Testament before I began his course in Christology. He suggested that I read it like I was reading it for the first time; the reality was that I was! Growing up I’m quite certain my Jewish parents would have preferred finding pornography in my room rather than a New Testament.

I liked much of what I read about Jesus in the New Testament – Jesus who stood up to the oppressors of his time, Jesus who told wonderful stories, Jesus who welcomed everyone and said to “carry one another’s burdens” to fulfill his law and to “love one another just as I have loved you.” When I discovered the work of the Jesus Seminar, a group of theologians and historians who are trying to separate the historical Jesus from the myth, I liked their portrait of Jesus as a revolutionary and humanitarian even more. I remember saying to a Bishop friend of mine, “I think I would have followed Jesus in the original.”

Right after my first semester at divinity school, I was attending a conference that included many evangelical leaders. About 30 people were part of a group discussion on religion and politics in everyday life. Millard Fuller, the President of Habitat for Humanity, was there, and at one point in the discussion, he said:

“I really pray for my Jewish friends. Even though they are good people, I know they are all going to go to hell.”

I was stunned. How could this man who was doing so much good in the world state something so anti-Semitic so boldly? The conversation moved on, but my blood ringing in my ears, I just had to say something. I raised my hand.

“Mr. Fuller, I am just beginning seminary and I am really enjoying learning about your Jesus. But as a person from a Jewish background, when I hear comments like your’s, it makes me want to have nothing to do with the practice of a religion that excludes people like me.”

Hushed silence, like in the old E.F. Hutton commercials. Finally, Rev. Tony Campolo, a leading evangelical theologian, spoke up. He said something like, “You know, Millard she’s right. Remember what Jesus says in Matthew 25 about who will get into the kingdom of heaven: that all will get in who gave me food when I was hungry, drink when I was thirsty, welcomed me when I was a stranger, gave me clothing when I was naked, took care of me when I was sick, and visited me when I was in prison. They answered him, “Lord when was it that we saw you hungry and gave you food or thirsty and gave you something to drink.” And Jesus responds, “Truly I tell you, just as you did to one of the least of these who are members of my family, you did it to me.” And Tony looked at me and then at Mr. Fuller and said, “I don’t think you need to worry about your Jewish friends.”

It was indeed a Christian moment, in the way that I have to come to understand and love what Jesus stands for. . Loving your neighbor as yourself. Radical hospitality and radical inclusion of all. Speaking truth to power. Taking care of those who are less fortunate. Working together to heal a broken world.

And I believe it is that Jesus we celebrate as Unitarian Universalists on Christmas Eve and that fifteen years into my ministry, I still want to know more about. May we be blessed to follow Jesus’ example and love one another. May together we bless the world. Blessings to you this holiday season. Happy Chanukah, Merry Christmas.

And may I add, Happy New Year. All blessings for a healthy, peaceful 2012.

Tonight is the first night of Chanukah.

I have to admit that each year I have to remind myself of the details of the historical story. It's more complicated than the nativity story, but just as compelling.

So here it is from last year's blog:

In 167 b.c.e., a Greek leader named Antiochus attempted to institute a Greek state religion. He ordered the takeover of the temple in Jerusalem, had a statute of Zeus built on its altar, and called for ritual sacrifice there and in other Jewish temples throughout the countryside. Mattathias killed the first Jew who came forward to offer a sacrifice as well as a state official, and he and his five sons were forced to escape to the hills. Together, they organized first a small band of rebels to resist Antiochus, which grew to a 6000 person army that retook Jerusalem and the Temple.

Three years from the day that Zeus was erected, the 25th of Kislav, Judas Maccabeus and his followers rededicated and purified the Temple in an 8 day celebration. Chanukah has been celebrated more or less continuously for 2,176 years.

According to a very short passage in the Talmud, the Maccabees came into the temple and after purifying it, went to relight the eternal flame. They only had enough oil for one day. Pressing new oil from the olive trees would take another week. Miraculously the oil lasted for the entire eight days.

The Rabbis who wrote the Talmud transformed this historic military battle into a story of God’s miracle and grace to the Jewish people. They moved it from a story based on the facts to a story based on the universal need for faith and hope and redemption. The oil lasting 8 days is a truth story, and most likely not a true story.

Chanukah is a holiday then about religious freedom, diversity, and hope. It's also a reminder that to paraphrase Margaret Mead's famous words, a small group of people can change the world; in fact, it's the only way that happens. As we light the first candles tonight, let us praise the heroes, those who stand up to oppression, and let us rekindle hope in our hearts for everyday miracles.

Happy Chanukah!

A new report from the Centers for Disease Control released yesterday found that one in five women report they have been the victim of sexual assault, more than half when they were teenagers.

I'm one of those women.

I was a victim of date rape once at college and once in my early twenties. Except at the time there wasn't a term for "date rape" -- it was more understood as "that's what you get if you are alone with a man in a bedroom." I reported neither. In today's world, I would have reported both.

I'd like to think that in today's world they wouldn't happen -- that young men know that "no means no" and that in the second situation, I would have screamed and fought back sooner.

But the story coming out of the University of Vermont indicates that things may not have changed as much as we'd like to think. A fraternity there did a poll last weekend asking, "who would you like to rape?" Not, who would you like to go out with, get to know, even have sex with, but RAPE. My heart chilled as I read that story.

The young men there have been censured and said it was just a joke. But, rape is never a joke. Just ask one in five women you know.

I've written similar blogs before on public figures who find themselves mired in public revelations of their sexual behaviors and relationships.

The list of "men behaving badly" seems almost endless and of both party affiliations, conservative and progressive, straight and gay. It also goes back in time and to the Bible -- just reread David and Bathsheba's story.

The latest allegations that Herman Cain had a thirteen year affair that he ended just as he entered the Presidential race certainly seem plausible to me. Men don't generally make 4:30 am phone calls to women they barely know. More will be revealed.

RH Reality Check asked me to comment, so I dusted off my "Sex Education for Politicians" article (first published here on Eliot Spitzer) and updated it. You can read it here:

http://www.rhrealitycheck.org/article/2011/11/29/sex-education-for-politicians-%E2%80%93-herman-cain-edition

It would be great for you to comment there or re post it. Maybe even send it to a public figure you know.

Dear friends:

I wanted to share this link with you to the piece I wrote for today's Washington Post.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/blogs/on-faith/post/what-weve-learned-from-penn-state/2011/11/22/gIQAtPcKmN_blog.html

It's more about what I think we've learned from the sex abuse scandals at Penn State and now Syracuse University -- as well as abuse by clergy.

But, today is also an opportunity to share my gratitude with you -- for your support, your ideas, your feedback, and your interest in all things sexuality and religion.

May this Thanksgiving you feel gratitude in your heart and in your soul.

May you feel loved and may you love.

May you take the time to share your gratitude with those who ennoble your life.

May it be a day of peace and blessings.

I am grateful for you.

The high profile Penn State case of associate football coach Jerry Sandusky abusing children in his care over a ten year period should be shocking, but sounds all too familiar to those of us who work on sexual abuse prevention. Children are primarily abused by adults who know them well; people who abuse children look for opportunities to be with children and groom them as trusted adults getting to know them, as Sandusky did at his center; too many times other adults look the other way.

What is shocking though is to think that when reported, officials perhaps all the way up to Coach Patierno and even perhaps the President looked the other way rather than hurt the football program. I hope that isn't true, but it certainly reminds us of the Roman Catholic Bishops and Cardinals who did just that when faced with allegations against priests.

So, what does this remind us to do? First, to report any adult we suspect of child abuse.

And second, to use this as a teachable moment to 'abuse-proof' your children. Make sure that the programs your children attend -- scouts, soccer, school, church or synagogue -- have a strong policy on keeping children safe, including screening and background checks for volunteers and employees and never being alone with children. Make sure that your child knows that most people would never hurt children, but that an older, bigger, stronger person should never touch a child's genitals. Make sure your child knows that adults don't ask children to be their friends or keep secrets, and that if someone makes them feel bad, funny, or uncomfortable with their touch or their words, they should tell you. Tell them that their body is wonderful, it belongs to them, and that they can say no to unwanted touch. And finally, tell them to come and tell you if someone does touch them. You may not be able to prevent the first case of abuse, but if your child is equipped with language and this information, you can prevent the second.

It's been a week of teachable moments in the news, with Herman Cain and Penn State. I hope you are using them.

(For more ideas on preventing sexual abuse of children, you might want to read my books "From Diapers to Dating" or "What Every 21st Century Parent Needs to Know."

As I listened to NPR this morning, I heard a report that Herman Cain said he was having a hard time remembering the details of the accusations (and settling) of sexual harassment charges. A male respondent I heard on CNN had said something like, "that happened twenty years ago; why is it even an issue now?"

I felt my blood boil. I was a victim of sexual harassment by a faculty member in 1976. I remember every minute of it, including having a professor hand me a room key, and finding the note on the door when I next came to my TA job, "your services are no longer needed." I also remember the woman faculty member who I went to saying, "It happens to women; we'll find you another TA job."

I remember exactly how I felt watching Anita Hill testify against Clarence Thomas, and how every detail of my own experience came flooding back. I remember how I felt when there was finally a federal law and definition of sexual harassment, so that future generations of women wouldn't experience what I had.

This week, I did the first required training ever for the staff of a national religious denomination on sexual harassment. Sexual harassment, because of the law, may no longer be as blatant as it was when a faculty member fired me for not having sex with him. But it still exists; workplaces including faith based organizations still need training on sexual harassment prevention; and women and men need to know that they can come forward and be taken seriously.

I'm hoping that Mr. Cain learns that lesson this week.

On Saturday, I returned from a vacation to Kenya. My first visit to Africa was unforgettable, the game parks were lovely and the safari rides thrilling. But, I am haunted by the images of the cities, villages, and reservations we passed through on our way to the game parks.

Like many tourists, we visited a Masai village. We sat in a mud and cow dung constructed hut, little bigger than the office I am writing in now, that housed 10 people in two beds. We watched mothers nursing newborn babies, covered with flies. We were told about teenagers, both boys and girls, going through circumcisions and women having babies attended only by their mothers-in-law. When I asked, I was told that “only” about one in ten women in the village die in childbirth. The cities outside of Nairobi we drove through on barely passable roads were filled with children begging when our 4 by 4 vehicles stopped for traffic, with corrugated aluminum tiny homes dotting the roads.

These so-called optional tourist excursions broke my heart and brought home the reality of the need to address poverty, maternal mortality, and access to family planning. It provided me with a renewed commitment to the Religious Institute’s Rachel Sabbath Initiative to engage religious leaders and faith communities in working for U.S. support to reach the Millennium Goals worldwide.

I know that Kenya is not the poorest country in Africa, and compared with its neighbors, it is relatively peaceful. But, still, one in 38 Kenyan women will die in childbirth, 26% of women will marry before adulthood, and female genital mutilation is still widely practiced.
The average woman in Kenya has six children, while her desired family size is four, although in the Masai village I visited fertility was much higher -- yet this marks substantial progress from an estimated 8.1 children per woman in the late 1960s). Fewer than half of Kenyan couples use contraceptives (46%), although that marks a significant increase compared to the 39 per cent reported in a 2003 study. According to the CIA World Factbook, the urban population in Kenya is “growing at an alarming rate as many Kenyans migrate from their rural homes to urban centers,” which has led to a scarcity of jobs and opportunities.

World population growth stops being an abstract idea when confronted with individuals and whole communities suffering without enough food, shelter, sanitation, health care, and economic opportunities. At the end of this month, the world's population will reach 7 billion. It was 4 billion when I first started working thirty five years ago.

The Bible calls us to be stewards of the earth and caretakers of our neighbors. I hope you’ll join us in rededicating ourselves to living out our faith through renewed action on behalf of all the people of the world.

This morning, for the second year in the row, the Religious Institute, is calling on the nation’s clergy to speak out in support of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender youth at services near National Coming Out Day, which is October 11th. The recent suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer, a 14 year old gay youth who in the spring made his own It Gets Better video, demonstrates the sad urgency of this call to action, which remains as necessary as it was in the wake of multiple teen suicides in September 2010.

All of us have teens and young adults who are gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender in our congregations, many who are suffering in silence and are at risk. One study found that 14% of teens in religious communities identify as something other than heterosexual. Almost nine in ten of them have not been open about their sexuality with clergy or other adult leaders in their faith communities.

Studies show that almost six in ten clergy from mainline denominations support the full inclusion and acceptance of LGBT persons, yet other studies have found that eight in ten of even the most progressive clergy don't have programs in their congregations to support LGBT youth.

We have known for more than thirty years that at least one third of all suicides to teens are to gay youth. Our young people are dying because we are not speaking out for them. Ask yourself honestly, do the LGBT youth in your faith community know that you welcome and support them? What have you done to make sure that these youth know they are loved and supported, to demonstrate that you understand that they, too, are God's children?

The Religious Institute has created new worship resources in support of National Coming Out Day. They include a responsive reading, prayers, a collect, a prayer litany and more, available at www.religiousinstitute.org/lgbtqworship.

Can you work with your local rabbi, minister, imam, or lay leaders to speak out for LGBT youth in the next few weeks? In this case, silence can equal death. Please help.

As a Jewish Unitarian Universalist, my family (and my congregation) observe the major Jewish and Christian holidays. Tonight is Rosh Hashana, the Jewish New Year. My extended family will gather to eat and share and laugh, and to hope together for the year to come. Some of us will gladly put down some of the challenges we have faced in the past twelve months and look to the future. We have people who have passed who we will mourn and joys to celebrate.

This is the prayer I will offer, that I wish for you as well.

The Days of Awe begin with us tonight.

May the next ten days be days of reflection, introspection, and peace.

May we prepare ourselves for the changes in the year to come.

May it be a good year.

May it be a healthy year for all of us.

May we have the strength to face the challenges that are sure to come this year, like every year.

May we have compassion and patience, for ourselves and for each other.

May it be a year of peace for all of us, in our homes, in our communities, all around the globe.

May it be a year of peace within ourselves.

May we live our lives with integrity, service, and love.

May we be blessed with the strength of community, of our families, of our friends.

May we remember what it truly important in life.

May we remember to be grateful every day.

May we all be inscribed another year in the Book of Life.

La Shana Tova!

The "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" heterosexist unjust law is history as of yesterday morning. Today, service people everywhere who are gay or lesbian or bisexual can affirm their sexual orientation publicly without reprisal. People dismissed from the military because of their sexual orientation can reapply. People can come out to their colleagues, friends, and family members.

I've known several gay and lesbian members of the military. Some put pictures on their desks of people of the opposite sex to represent their girlfriend of boyfriend back home. Some went to significant events including their own promotions without their partners. One went so far as to marry a person of the opposite sex to guarantee that her female partner would be guaranteed her survivor benefits if she died overseas through a complicated legal arrangement with her legal husband.

I remember when President Clinton signed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" as a compromise measure and how angry both the gay and lesbian community and the sexologist community felt. To mandate people denying their God-given gift of sexuality to others was just wrong.

And now, it's over.

I saw this YouTube video of a soldier calling his father to tell him he was gay this morning:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DVAgz6iyK6A&feature=aso

He plaintively asked several times, "Do you still love me, Dad?" Dad, thankfully, answers quickly and strongly, "I still love you." It's the only answer we should ever give our children. It's the answer that we should give everyone as we celebrate sexual and gender diversity.

I'm often asked by people why I believe that belonging to a faith community is important. Sometimes people say something like, "I can pray at home alone." Some people say, "I have a book group, I don't need a faith community."

Those discussions came to mind this morning when I watched the Today show piece on the emerging 9/11 memorial in advance of the 10th anniversary this Sunday. I found myself teary as they unveiled the memorial and the new building that is emerging.

And like I'm sure most of us who remember that day, I was brought back to that beautiful blue crisp morning, a morning with weather not unlike today. I was still a seminary student, driving to a UU minister's meeting, when I heard the first news. By the time I got there at 9 a.m., the first tower had fallen. We sat together in stunned silence around a radio at that church, one of the ministers, Rev. David Bryce led us in a very short worship service, and we all knew we had to go directly to our own congregations and wait for what was to emerge.

We learned fairly quickly that two of our congregants -- brothers -- had been killed in the towers, and our senior minister, Rev. Frank Hall, went directly to their parents' home. My close friend Rev. Barbara Fast, then our associate minister, and I knew we had to do something but we didn't know what. We send out an announcement that the church would be open that evening, and that we would offer an opportunity for people to gather for as long as they wanted and needed. We closed the doors at midnight after dozens of people came in and out. We didn't know what to do or say, but we knew that we needed to be together, in community, at this tragic time. It is an evening I will never forget.

And that's really the answer to the first question above...that we need each other, that a faith community provides a place where we can search together for our own answers to the big questions and to the joys and tragedies of life.

So, I am glad that the 10th anniversary is also our church homecoming service this year. We will gather together again on our front lawn, greet each other, and process into our beautiful sanctuary. And there, we will celebrate our homecoming and pay tribute to 9/11, and we will do it together, in community.

We all remember the uproar about the Octomom and her eight children conceived by ARTs.

I couldn't help but think about the vast difference between her and the man who was reported in the news today to have fathered more than 150 offspring.

A few years ago, the Religious Institute published an "Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Assisted Reproductive Technologies" which recognized that "the broad spectrum of assisted reproductive technologies calls for deeply personal and complex moral decisions that are unprecedented in human history." Although the letter does not address the number of sperm or egg donations, it does raise the issues of the impact of ARTs on families and children, including advocating for regulations to safeguard health (both physical and emotional) and prevent negative outcomes.

I can't help but think that the children of this man on discovering their more than 150 plus half siblings won't be affected, and that religious leaders and theologians need to be part of considering what the limits should be.

What do you think?

The Religious Institute co-founder and current Advisory Committee member, Rev. Dr. Larry Greenfield, shared with me this piece he wrote for Protestants on the Common Good, on the current attacks on women's health services. I liked it so much that I asked him if I could share it with you:

“Re-introducing Corporal Punishment”

As I approach my seventieth birthday, I’m spending more time remembering how fortunate I was to have been raised in a loving family, where, as an only child, I was treated as something special.

For health reasons, my mother was explicitly told not to risk what would likely be another unsuccessful pregnancy. But throwing caution to the wind, and desperately wanting to have a child of their own, mom and dad gave it one more try.

My birth was treated, literally, as a gift from God.

Well, almost all the time. The exceptions, of course, had to do with those occasions in which I seriously misbehaved – that is, those times when I caused my parents to question whether the divine gift had a good bit of the devil’s contribution in the mix.

When that happened – and it had to be a very serious offense to cause this particular punishment – the razor strap came out (my dad was a barber at a time when facial shaves were a regular feature of his trade) and I was given a truly stinging whipping.

That corporal punishment I still see, all these years later, as an exception, a deviation from, my parents’ love. Even then I recognized that their anger against me caused them to draw on the worst parts of their otherwise compassionate and caring personalities. (And I can only hope that my own children recognize that when I inflicted corporal punishment on them, it was a similar departure from who I was as the father who loved them.)

I have the sense that my parents, at that time, weren’t exceptional in reverting to corporal punishment when angry with a child’s behavior. As far as I can tell, it was the norm.

But that started changing when more and more parents over time heard about, read, and took to heart what Dr. Benjamin Spock proposed in his book “Baby and Child Care” (1946) and other writings: be verbal not physical in disciplining the child, and all within the context of expressing love, even if it had to be tough love.

Now twenty-nine countries outlaw corporal punishment in the home, twenty-two of them in Europe. In the United States it remains legal, but here too there are limits to what is acceptable physical punishment.

I can see that transformation operating in the way my own grandchildren are being raised.

It has taken decades to achieve, but even here in the U.S. we’ve changed.

Or have we? Might it be that we’ve only changed the way we administer the corporal punishment?

Charles Blow, columnist for the New York Times, recently (8/27/11) made that case in a “striking” (but non-corporal) way.

He referred to a Guttmacher Institute report that indicated unintended pregnancies have increased 50% since 1994, yet politicians are passing laws to restrict abortion at a record pace: 80 this year, compared to 23 in 2010 – more than three times as many so far this year compared to all of last year.

What has this got to do with corporal punishment, when supposedly it is the mother (almost never the father) that is being punished for her sexual behavior? Mr. Blow answers: “Even if you follow a primitive religious concept of punishment for sex, as many on the right seem to do, you must at some point acknowledge that it is the child, not the parent, who will be punished most by our current policies that increasingly advocate for “unborn children” but fall silent for those outside the womb.”

(While Mr. Blow doesn’t mention it, there is an irony that some of the anti-choice legislation includes the de-funding of Planned Parenthood, which often provides the contraceptive education and resources that reduces the number unplanned pregnancies, and thereby ultimately diminishes the likelihood of neglect and abuse of unintended children.)

But it isn’t just in the area of sexuality where we’ve found new ways of inflicting physical harm on children. Mr. Blow also quotes from a new report of the Annie E. Casey Foundation: “the official child poverty rate, which is a conservative measure of economic hardship, increased 18 percent between 2000 – 2009.” (Remember that many years in that decade were considered periods of abundance.)

And if that weren’t enough, Mr. Blow draws from a U.S. Department of Agriculture study that “the number of children facing food insecurity in 2009 soared to nearly one in four.” Then there is also an ABC News report that “49 percent of all children born in this [United States] country are born to families who receive food supplements from the federal Women, Infants and Children assistance program.”

What is the consequence of that kind of malnutrition brought on by child poverty and child hunger? What is the corporal punishment that is being inflicted?

Delayed growth and motor development. Lower I.Q.’s. Severe behavior problems. Attention deficit hyperactivity. Deficient learning capacities. Lower educational achievement. The list goes on and on.

All that punishment inflicted against children for the sin of being born into families guilty of being poor.

Members of the Republican party, as well as many Democrats and Independents, express what seems to be genuine concern about the national debt that today’s children will have to bear as adults. But in their 2012 budget proposal the Republicans, in particular, want to reduce spending for nutritional programs. Mr. Blow comments: “They want to hold the line on tax breaks for the wealthy, not paying attention to the fact that our growing income inequality, which could be reversed, continues to foster developmental inequality [among children], which is almost impossible to reverse.”

Since in this country we don’t have laws condemning the old forms of parental corporal punishment, there’s probably no chance of passing legislation that would assign some form of appropriate punishment to politicians and members of society-at-large who engage in this kind of neglect and abuse of our nation’s children.

But couldn’t those of us in the Christian community at least take guidance from the procedure Jesus recommended to his church when one member sinned against another? He instructed (see Matthew 18: 15-17) that if one fails to get the attention and confession of the offender in a face-to-face meeting, the circle of witnesses ought to be widened, and, failing that, the offense ought to be brought to the whole community for judgment and then, finally, punishment.

That punishment apparently was exclusion from the community of faith. Maybe that’s what the church today needs to do with its child neglectors and abusers in public office.

And, of course, the electorate could do something similar when it’s time again to choose its leaders.

Like many ministers, I face an occupational hazard when I go to see movies, watch television, read a book. The stories so often form as future sermons in my mind, that I some times feel all entertainment should be a tax deduction.

But, last Friday night, a friend and I went to see Crazy. Stupid. Love, seeking a complete diversion and an opportunity to laugh.

And I did laugh -- as well as cringe at some of the sexual messages, especially the attitudes about casual sex and the lack of any visible signs of contraception or STD prevention, no less sexual negotiation or limit setting. But, it was the end of the movie that really upset me, in that it portrayed illegal adolescent behaviors.

I contacted my friend Nell Minow, who is the "Movie Mom" for Beliefnet.com as well as hundreds of radio stations around the country. (Read her at www.blog.beliefnet.com/moviemom

She encouraged me to write Steve Carell, the producer and star. I thought you might enjoy reading the letter I sent him. Even better, write him one yourself. I'll let you know if I receive an answer!

Mr. Steve Carell
Carousel Productions
4000 Warner Blvd
Bldg 144
Burbank, CA 91522

Dear Mr. Carell:

I am writing to you as a certified sexuality educator and an ordained Unitarian Universalist minister who is concerned that your new movie, “Crazy, Stupid, Love” models behaviors for teen and tween audiences that puts them at risk for legal action. I am the author of several books for parents on talking with their children and teens about sexuality, and I have worked with adolescents on responsible sexual behavior for many years.

There are several sexual messages in the movie that I disagree with, but I am most concerned about 17 year old Jessica giving 13 year old Robbie nude photos of herself that she took. It is illegal for anyone to create sexually explicit images of a minor, to possess such images, or to distribute them. Although it may seem nonsensical, several states have passed additional laws that make it illegal for teens to take and distribute such pictures of themselves to other teens. Indeed, because of their age differences, depending on the age of majority in the state, Jessica might also be charged and convicted as a sexual offender for exposing a minor to child pornography. In some states, she could face life in prison or have to register as a sex offender for life. Further, the gender of the characters reinforces a stereotype that teen boys cannot be victims of child sexual abuse, when in reality, a boy is most likely sexually victimized by a teenage girl.

These are fictional characters – but their actions may well be repeated by young people in your audiences. I know that your movie is out in general release, and I don’t know what can be done by Carousal Productions at this point to get out the message, “don’t’ try this at home”. But, I do know that PG-13 movies shouldn’t be modeling criminal behaviors as harmless or worse, acts of generosity.

I would welcome hearing a response from you. Please let me know if I can provide you with additional information.

Sincerely,

Rev. Dr. Debra Haffner

Yesterday, I performed a legal marriage ceremony in New York City for two 87 year old friends of mine who have been together as a couple for 56 years.

Six years ago, I led a ceremony for them celebrating their 50th anniversary. I promised them that I'd do all I could to help create the day that I would be able to do their legal wedding.

Yesterday was that day.

Kenneth, Peter, two witnesses, and I signed the marriage license in the middle of the ceremony. All of us present, including me, had tears in our eyes when I said, "By the power vested in me by the state of New York, I now pronounce you husband and husband, legally wed."

I blessed them in part with these words, "Peter and Kenneth, we all know that your holy union of two lives, two souls, two hearts is far greater than a legal union sanctioned by the state. But we are grateful that this day for equality has finally come. We are grateful for the blessings that brought us to this day, and ask for continued blessings on your home, your health, your companionship, your friendship. May we all hold these moments, this moment, in the blessed spirit of all that is holy."

May I invite you dear readers, along with those who were present with us yesterday, to bless them with your "Amen."

Last week, I wrote about the good news.

Today, I want to share with you this news about the new law in North Carolina, that is about the most draconian restrictions on women's right to choose abortion I can imagine.

I can't imagine what it would be like to be required to have and view an ultrasound of a fetus and listen to its heartbeat that I knew for my very own personal reasons would be a baby I would never know. And then have to receive state prescribed information and then being asked to wait to have the procedure for 24 hours.

This article says it will change some 27,000 women's minds who will go on to have babies that they had initially believed they were unprepared to raise. One wonders what North Carolina is prepared to do to support those children -- and those mothers -- after those births.


Here's what happened in North Carolina yesterday:

Women will get more information and face new restrictions before having an abortion in North Carolina after the state Senate passed the regulations into law Thursday over Democratic Gov. Beverly Perdue's veto.

The Republican-led Legislature completed its veto override when the Senate voted 29-19 to approve the bill requiring women to receive counseling and wait 24 hours before an abortion. The House agreed to the override earlier this week.

The only Republican who voted against the measure when it initially passed the Senate last month, Sen. Stan Bingham of Davidson County, did not vote on Thursday. With one other Republican missing this week, the GOP had just enough votes to override Perdue's veto.

Based on the impact of similar laws in other states, the restrictions would cut the more than 27,000 abortions and result in about 2,900 additional births per year, legislative fiscal analysts said. That will cost taxpayers about $7 million a year, mostly because nearly half of the births would be funded entirely or in part by Medicaid, the health program for the poor.

North Carolina had been one of 16 states that don't require specialized counseling before an abortion. Half of all states require counseling, then a waiting period.

The law prohibits an abortion unless a woman is provided with state-specified information about the physician at least 24 hours in advance. Women also would get information about the likely stage of development of the unborn child, the medical risks of having an abortion and giving birth, and the availability of abortion alternatives.

The new law also requires that an ultrasound be presented along with a chance to hear the fetal heartbeat. Women do have the choice to look away.

Majority Republicans said the measure is designed to give women more information about what happens in an abortion and who is providing it. Social conservatives praised the bill, which also requires a woman consider an offer to see the shape of the fetus and hear a heartbeat.

I've been teaching at Pacific School of Religion all week. It's been a wonderful class of fifteen diverse students, from 7 different faith traditions, ranging in age from 21 to 60. It's been a 20 hour intensive introduction to sexuality issues for religious professionals.

The apartment we've been living in doesn't have TV, so I'm a little behind on my daily news watching. But, it's been a remarkable week for sexual justice.

The Institute of Medicine just recommended in a new report that contraception be available at low cost or free as part of health care insurance plans. And it looks like DHHS will include it as a covered prescription medication.

Leon Panetta just announced tonight that he will announce the end of Don't Ask Don't Tell and that gay and lesbian people will be able to serve openly in the military.

And the President has announced his support for Senator Boxer's new act that will overturn the Defense of Marriage Act.

All of these are overdue, from this minister's perspective, and all are still far from the law of the land. Nevertheless, they indicate that despite the rhetoric of those on the right, the arc of the universe is indeed bending towards sexual justice.

Perhaps I should step away from the news more often.

My first job after college was at the Population Institute as a secretary. It was the summer of 1975. I remember writing a piece about how the world population had just hit 2 or maybe 3 billion.

In July 1987, the first World Population Day was celebrated -- the world's population was 5 billion.

Today, the world's population is 6,948,317,241.

It's expected to hit 7 billion on October 31, 2011.

It's hard to grasp that it has more than doubled since I began my working life in the sexual and reproductive health field.

Our understanding of population growth and the needs of the world's environment have grown exponentially since 1975. But some basic facts are still true: too many of the world's women don't have the contraceptive services they need and want to control the number of children they want to have. Too many women are denied basic civil rights, including the right to education and equal employment. The developed world still consumes far too many of the world's resources. The earth has limited ability to sustain uncontrolled population.

Genesis calls us to be stewards of the earth. There's still time for us to do more.

WWJD about lgbt people? Welcome them.

Five years ago, I presided over a 50th anniversary celebration of two men friends of mine in their New York City apartment. I promised them that one day soon I would be able to marry them legally. I prayed to myself that they would live long enough.

Last night, New York made history, as the Republican Senate voted 33 to 29 to approve marriage equality, and Governor Cuomo signed the bill almost immediately.

You all know I've been working for marriage equality for the past decade. I am celebrating with all my heart those who have done so much to bring about today. As I say in a press release you can read at www.religiousinstitute.org , I believe that New York will be the tipping point for marriage in this country.

My heart is full this morning, as indeed the arc of the universe bent one step closer to full inclusion for all.

Peter and Kenneth, name the date and time. I'm there.

Congressman Anthony Weinter joins the long line of men in public office who have risked their familieis and careers for sexual indiscretions. It's been a solid month of high profile men behaving badly, very badly: John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

There's not much new about this. There have been many heterosexual well known men who have potentially risked everything for a sexual encounter or thrill. Think Gary Hart, Marv Alpert, Bill Clinton, Jim Bakker, Jimmy Swaggert, Bill Cosby, Elliot Spitzer, Bill O'Reilly, and Mark Sanford. Mr. O'Reilly and Mr. Cosby continue on with their work and Mr. Spitzer got a TV show; others have not been so lucky. It remains to be seen what will happen to Mr. Weiner, although one has to wonder whether tweeting yourself in underwear or facebook chatting with women you don't know is really grounds for resignation. Surely though his vast abilities and his championship of many of the causes I hold dear are now severely compromised.

But these men have either forgotten or never learned some basic rules for sexually healthy adults. So here they are:

Honor your commitments to your partner. A sexually healthy marriage is based on honesty and trust; only you and your spouse know what you have agreed to, but don't put her in the position of having to stand by you at a microphone while you confess to the entire world. Keep that picture in your head as you are considering your behaviors. And, if you can't honor the commitments you've made, you're better off staying single.

Understand that you can have a sexual feeling without acting on it -- without even telling anyone about it. Think about it -- if Bill Clinton had thought to himself, "Cute Intern. Too Young, Too Risky" and moved on, he would not have been impeached. If your partner isn't interested in exploring a particular part of your eroticism with you, the safest thing is to explore it only in the confines of your mind. No one has ended up on the front pages because of a privately held fantasy.

Nothing, really nothing, is ever private between two people. Someone always tells someone. And the less the other person has to lose, the more likely they are to tell more people. In fact, unless it's your life partner, only have sex with someone who has as much to lose as you do. Sex workers don't. Neither do women or men in their twenties. And sexual bantering, sexting, tweeting, emailing and Facebook messaging are NEVER private. We tell our teens don't post anything you don't want your grandmother to see. To men in public office, don't post anything you don't want to see on the front page -- anywhere or ever.

Sexually healthy adults discriminate between sexual behaviors that are life enhancing -- for themselves and their partners - with those that could be destructive (of themselves or their partner(s). If there's a chance that the behavior could cost you your partner, career, reputation, just say no. Visiting a sex club, a sex worker, having sex with an employee, tweeting a sexual photo or sexting, soliciting someone in a public bathroom or park: chances are it's going to land you on the front page and you'll lose your job and probably your marriage. It's even worse if you've campaigned or worked against other people doing the same things. At least Congressman Weiner isn't for curtailing other people's sex lives while exploring the dark side of his, a la Vitter.

Remember that a moral sexual relationship is consensual, nonexploitative, honest, mutually pleasurable and protected. Does the relationship meet those criteria? Mr. Weiner says he never touched any of these women: I guess that makes them protected. I'm wondering though about the other four. If you can't answer yes to these, say no.

Always ask if the behavior consistent with your values, expressed and internal. If you're found out, will you be accused of hypocrisy? More importantly, can you live with yourself?

Of course, this ethic applies to all of us, not just people in political power. May we once again be reminded that sexuality is both sacred and powerful, and we need to honor its role in our lives.

This week is the 8th anniversary of my ordination to the Unitarian Universalist ministry.

Saturday, May 24th, 2003 was one of the most magical evenings of my life. Surrounded by family, friends, colleagues, and congregants, I felt a golden light descend from the highest point of the glass church roof and fill the congregation at the very moment that the members of the congregation said, "we pledge our continuing relationship and support in all aspects of your ministry. We welcome you and affirm your ministry."

I don't know if that golden light was my imagination...or the Holy Spirit...or just relief for this moment that I had worked so hard for for so many years. It doesn't matter...it was real to me.

As I read the program tonight, my eyes fill again with tears at the words, "We the members of the Unitarian Church in Westport hereby ordain you, Debra Wynne Haffner, to the ministry of Unitarian Universalism." It still feels awe-filled to me that God has brought me to this work and all the amazing moments of these past 8 years.

I answered them in words, that I recommit myself to again, this week on this anniversary:

"It is with joy and appreciation that I accept this ministry to which you ordain me. I will serve faithfully, with humility and courage, mindful of both the privileges and responsibilities this ministry brings."

Humility and courage...privilege and responsibility. Yes it requires both...yes it is both. And I am deeply grateful every day to be doing this work. Thanks be to God.

On Saturday, May 14, 2011, I received the Doctor of Public Service, h.c. from Widener University and was privileged to offer the Commencement Address. Here's what I said:

Good morning, President Harris, members of the Board of Trustees, faculty and staff, parents and family, and most of all to the 846 graduating students.

I am moved almost beyond words by having my life’s work recognized by this prestigious university. People have asked me how it is that Widener, a university in Pennsylvania, heard of my work to award me this honorary doctorate. I've told them that when it comes to graduate training in human sexuality, you are the premier university in the country. One of my most important teachers and mentors, the Rev. Dr. William Stayton was a co-developer of the program, which began at the University of Pennsylvania in 1977. When Penn decided to close the program in 1999, Dr. Stayton brought it to Widener. Under the leadership of President Harris, and the direction first of Dr. Stayton and now Dr. Betsy Crane, the human sexuality program has grown to be the most outstanding preparation for sexuality professionals in the country and I am intensely proud to now be among its degree holders. Thank you from the deepest part of me.

I am deeply honored to have been asked to be your commencement speaker. To be honest, I am feeling a bit overwhelmed about it, as your previous commencement speakers have included your Congressman, a former Surgeon General of the United States, and then Senator Joe Biden. I can imagine that some of the students and parents are thinking “who is Debra Haffner and why didn’t we get a famous person to speak?” My mother and children who are here today are probably wondering that as well!

It has been said that every minister and rabbi really only has one sermon in them, and that every sermon is merely a variation of that theme. If I had to describe mine, it would be in the title of the second sermon I ever gave, “Life is Not a Dress Rehearsal.” Regardless of your individual eschatology (a word that I learned in seminary that means your understanding of what’s to come after our time in THIS world ends), that regardless of our individual beliefs, this the one life we for sure know we have been given, and it is up to us to create it as fully as we can.

You all probably remember the fairy tales that you were read when you were little. They often involved a prince and a princess, who met, fell in love, got married, and …(lived happily ever after…) When I read those stories to my own children when they were little, I would change the ending: they met, fell in love, got married…and it was a lot of work.

I wish I could promise you happily ever after, but like marriage, life is both wonderful and a lot of work.

Some of you may remember the Billy Crystal 1991 movie, “City Slickers”, about the middle age men on go on a cattle drive for a vacation? Curley, the crusty owner of the Ranch says,
Curly: Do you know what the secret of life is?
[holds up one finger]
Curly: This.
Mitch: Your finger?
Curly: One thing. Just one thing. You stick to that….

So, I thought about just standing up today and saying, “just one thing” and sitting down. Dr. Harris told me that one of the most successful commencement addresses he ever heard was a young CEO of a company who stood up and said, “I was only a so so student at Widener. I graduated, started a company, made millions, retired at 35, and if I can do it, you can do it too” and sat down to a standing ovation.

For me, part of the “just one thing” is discovering your passion in life. Presbyterian minister Frederick Buechner defines finding your passion, your call in life as the intersection of discerning “where the world’s greatest need meets your greatest joy.” Sexuality education and now sexuality and ministry are my calling.

I could not have imagined how my life would have turned out at my own college graduation, 35 years ago this spring. I was on my way to an internship in Congress in DC, on my way to law school, and what I hoped would be a career as first an attorney and then as an elected politician. If someone would have told me that 35 years later, I would be a sexologist minister – I would have laughed. It would be a little like telling me that 30 years from now, I’d be an astronaut!

My career has taken me to the most amazing places: to the set of the Golden Girls with then Surgeon General Koop to talk about Hollywood and the AIDS epidemic, to a meeting with the House of Lords with all of them in robes and wigs to talk about abstinence, to debating Bill O’Reilly on national television about whether the word uterus would damage kindergartners, to Thailand for the Peace Council. I could never have imagined any of these.

It’s also been about the quiet moments of ministry: blessing a newborn baby, conducting weddings including several of same sex couples under the threat of arrest, to holding someone’s hand as they lay dying and being with their family after, to the glorious night 8 years ago when I was ordained to the Unitarian Universalist ministry.

The point is that you cannot possibly know today what life will evolve for you. I hope that each of you will find what you love and then find or create a way to make a living doing it. Oscar Wilde famously said, “Be yourself. Everyone else is taken.”

When I asked a young friend of mine graduating this spring for advice about today’s talk, she wrote me this on Facebook:
“Honestly, all of us are scared of the "real world". Just tell them we're all gonna be ok, and just to not let fear stand in the way of anything.” It reminded me of Julian of Norwich, the 14th century English mystic, who was the first woman to write a book in English. She wrote, "…All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of things shall be well"…and indeed, I want you to know it will be.

I also want you to know that it is more important to be happy than it is to be successful, and that the most important parts of your life will take place not in your workplace but with the people you love and who love you back. I’ve heard the principles of Buddhism described with these four simple statements, that I try to use to guide my life:

Show up…Speak the truth….Do what you do with enthusiasm….Don’t get attached to the outcome.

Of course, the last is the hardest. It is especially at those moments of greatest change that we need to do the first three – show up, speak the truth, do what you do with enthusiasm -- and trust that the rest will work out. Graduation is one of those moments, but so is falling in love, changing jobs, moving away, thinking about retirement…Sometimes, we have to be willing to trust that all will be well.

But, we can help ourselves along the way. Some of you may know about the relatively new field of study called positive psychology. We now know that there is a genetic component to happiness. But the research also tells us that happiness in life is even more based on our daily choices and actions than genetics. People who are happier:

Exercise, spend time in nature, Do good deeds and serve others, take the time for daily reflection, through journaling or meditating, have a strong support network including family and friends, belong to a religious community, and express gratitude each day.

Meister Eckardt, a thirteenth century mystic, wrote,
“If the only prayer you ever say in your entire life is thank you, it will be enough”.

Today is a day for immense gratitude. I hope that at the end of the ceremony, you will say thank you to your parents and other family members who did so much for you to reach this place of graduation, remembering for many of you, you are the first people in your family to graduate from college. I want to say thank you to my husband and children today for the sacrifices and support they have given me to make today possible for me. The only prayer we ever need is thank you.

I want to end with a story of a small village a long long time ago. In that village, like in every village a long time ago, there was a wise old woman, who the people in the town revered and who helped them with their problems and questions. The teenagers in that town, like teenagers ever since, doubted their elders and sought to discredit the wise old woman. The leader of the pack of teenagers came up with an idea.

“Let us go to the wise old woman with a bird in our hands. We will say to her, “Wise woman, is the bird in our hands dead or alive? If she says alive, we will crush the bird with our hands and show her the dead bird. If she says dead, we will open our hands, and the bird will fly away. “

And they climb the hill, go to the wise woman’s home, and knock on the door. She comes out, and the leader says to her, “Wise woman, if you are so wise, is the bird in my hand dead or alive?”

She looked at them for a long long time and was quiet, so quiet that the teenagers could barely stand still. And then she spoke, “The answer is in your hands.”

Find your passion, show up, speak the truth with enthusiasm, be open to the adventures life offers you. The answer is in your hands. May you choose wisely and well throughout your lives. Thank you again for honoring me, and blessings to each of you on this graduation day.

Last night, the Twin Cities presbytery passed the 87th vote that will allow the Presbyterian Church USA to ordain gay and lesbian clergy persons. It is a watershed moment in the history of the Presbyterian Church USA (PCUSA). Over the past months, presbyteries have been voting on whether to amend the denominations’ constitution, comprised of the Book of Order along with the Book of Confessions, (http://www.amendment10a.org/) to change the standards for ordination. Here is the new, replacement language:

Standards for ordained service reflect the church’s desire to submit joyfully to the Lordship of Jesus Christ in all aspects of life. The governing body responsible for ordination and/or installation shall examine each candidate’s calling, gifts, preparation, and suitability for the responsibilities of office. The examination shall include, but not be limited to, a determination of the candidate’s ability and commitment to fulfill all requirements as expressed in the constitutional questions for ordination and installation. Governing bodies shall be guided by Scripture and the confessions in applying standards to individual candidates.

The language is important, because it removed the following restrictions:

“Among these standards is the requirement to live either in fidelity within the covenant of marriage of a man and a woman, or chastity in singleness.”

“Persons refusing to repent of any self- acknowledged practice which the confessions call sin shall not be ordained and/or installed as deacons, elders, or ministers of the Word and Sacrament.”

In other words: All who are called to serve may now answer that calling, without regard to sexual orientation, sexual experience, or marital status.

Last night's vote bases the review of each candidate’s calling, gifts, preparation, and suitability for the responsibilities of ordination, rather than on sexual orientation or marital status.
With this vote, the PCUSA joins such denominations as the Unitarian Universalist Association of Congregations, the United Church of Christ, and the Union for Reform Judaism, all of which removed restrictions to lesbian and gay people serving as clergy in the 1970s. They join the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America that did so for coupled gay and lesbian people in 2009, and the Episcopal Church, which elected their first openly gay bishop in 2003. They join the Universal Fellowship of Metropolitan Community Churches, a denomination with an official stance allowing non-celibate gays and lesbians to be ordained.

Loving, just communities embrace everyone; they are strengthened when all people are able to live fully and express their gender and sexuality with holiness and integrity. Faith communities benefit when they recognize the gifts of all people, without regard to sex, gender, age, bodily condition, marital status or sexual orientation. Step by step, our faith communities are moving towards sexual justice and welcoming all who are called to serve.

We joyfully celebrate with our colleagues in the Presbyterian Church who have worked so long and so hard for today. We hope that The United Methodist Church may soon follow their lead. There can be no turning back.

Yesterday, the U.S. House of Representatives passed the most restrictive federal abortion law yet,HR 3, “The No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act. As people of faith, we must speak out to assure that the Senate rejects its draconian measures.

According to the National Network of Abortion Funding:

"If enacted, this bill would have a devastating impact on millions of women and families. Every woman, whether she gets her health care through a safety-net program like Medicaid or private health insurance, deserves to make her own decision about whether and when to have a baby.


HR 3 would make permanent bans on federal funding of abortion, bans that Congress should eliminate in the interest of fairness and women’s health. “Every single day we talk to women who have been denied the ability to make their own decisions because of these bans on abortion coverage,” says Stephanie Poggi, Executive Director of the Network.


HR3 reinforces health disparities by withholding abortion care from low-income women, women of color, and immigrant women. Because of racial inequalities in the United States , women of color are more likely to use Medicaid for their health care, and bear the burden of funding bans.


In addition to permanently banning the use of federal funds in Medicaid and other federal health programs, the bill would deny once again “home rule” to the District of Columbia to use its own money to pay for abortion care for women in need, prohibit abortion coverage in the new health care exchanges set to launch by 2014, and drive up the cost of health insurance by denying tax credits to individuals and small businesses that purchase insurance plans that include abortion coverage. The bill shows complete disregard for a woman’s health by denying funding even when continuing a pregnancy could lead to paralysis or interfere with cancer treatment."

As a faith leader, I seek to create a world where abortion is safe, legal, rare, AND accessible. HR 3 will deny women the right to make their own moral decisions about their own personal circumstances. Nothing in HR 3 will promote moral decision-making or flourishing families. I pray the U.S. Senate and the President "just say no."

Today is Good Friday and the fourth day of Passover. As a Unitarian Universalist, I celebrate both.

I've been reading both Exodus and the Gospels this week, and I am moved by how much these stories are also about us. Who among us has not felt like we were in the wilderness or pleading with God when all feels overwhelming, "take this cup from me." We know how it feels to be lost, to be persecuted, to be betrayed, to be done with suffering. It's part of being human.

But, we also know and trust that renewal and indeed resurrection happens. From my window, I am watching the pink buds strain to open, the forsythia already in bloom. Spring is returning to the earth.

Our work at the Religious Institute is about helping alleviate the suffering that too many feel because the sacred gift of their sexuality has been denied, abused or exploited. But it's also about the hope of restored relationship. And yes, there are signs of change all around us. Just this week, for example, I learned that only seven more Presbyteries need to ratify the amendment that will allow gay and lesbians to be ordained in the PC-USA. Spring is coming.

A colleague forwarded me this beautiful piece on passion week and sexual injustice this morning. I found it breathtaking
http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/04/17/a-sermon-for-passion-week Take a look.

May this Passover and Easter Season bless you with liberation and hope.

I watched CNN late last Friday, transfixed as news broke that the government shutdown had been averted and that forty policy riders had been dropped, including the amendment to ban Planned Parenthood affiliates across the country from receiving federal funds. I had just returned from a day in Washington with the Planned Parenthood Federation of America’s Clergy Advisory Board, including an interfaith breakfast attended by hundreds of Planned Parenthood supporters of faith. I had been stunned all week to think that the government shut down, in Senator Harry Reid’s words, might come down to the House leadership using the budget to attack women’s access to health care services or environmental protection.

Last week demonstrated what many of us already knew: the Tea Party is only the latest version of the religious right in new wineskins. Following the November 2010 elections, studies from both the Pew Forum on Religion & Public Life and the Public Religion Research Institute found that “the Tea Party rank and file are not in fact secular libertarians, but are social conservatives largely drawn from the ranks of the Christian Right.”

I am angry: angry as a woman, as a mother, as a Planned Parenthood staff veteran, and as a member of the clergy. And like tens of thousands of people of faith across the country, I’m doing what I can to make my voice heard. Last week, the Religious Institute joined Planned Parenthood Federation of American, NARAL Pro-Choice America, and more than twenty other leading organizations to take part in the Stand Up For Women's Health Rally in front of the U.S. Capitol. We stood together to show our legislators that faith-based and sexual and reproductive health organizations support access for women and men to the health services they need to lead healthy and responsible lives. It is immoral to use family planning and reproductive health services—vital services that save women’s lives in the United States and abroad—as a bargaining chip in politicized budget debates.

In collaboration with colleagues from other faith-based organizations, we helped to develop the “Interfaith Statement Opposing Restrictions on Women’s Health Care Options” distributed to members of Congress and endorsed by organizations as diverse as the National Council of Jewish Women, the Episcopal Women’s Caucus, and Muslims for Progressive Values. As the Religious Institute’s Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Maternal Mortality and Reproductive Justice states, “The sacredness of human life is best upheld when women and men create human life intentionally and women are able to have healthy pregnancies and childbirths.” Publicly funded family planning services help women prevent STDs/HIV, provide cancer screenings, and offer access to contraception. In 2006, publicly funded family planning services helped women avoid 1.94 million unintended pregnancies, which would likely have resulted in about 860,000 unintended births and 810,000 abortions. According to the International Planned Parenthood Federation and the Guttmacher Institute, doubling current investments in family planning and pregnancy related care could save the lives of 400,000 women and 1.6 million infants each year. To put it bluntly, access to reproductive health services is a matter of life and death.

I am relieved that sanity prevailed in Washington, D.C. and that the President and many Congressional leaders refused to trade women’s access to gynecological services, pap smears, HIV testing, and, yes, birth control, for a budget agreement. However, I am angry that once again the District of Columbia will not be able to use its own funds to support abortion services. As more details about the budget cuts are released, they will most certainly hurt the most marginalized and vulnerable among us. I made a donation to the DC Abortion Fund on Monday morning, letting them know I was a faith leader.

Some time this week, the House and the Senate will vote on whether federal funds can support Planned Parenthood affiliates. The guess is that the vote to ban them from providing FAMILY PLANNING (not abortions as some news has incorrectly inferred) will fail. But your voices are needed, and I hope you've been in touch with your Congressperson to "JUST SAY NO TO PENCE."

These are the worst attacks on women's health that I've seen in my 30 plus years as an activist on these issues. The voices of people of faith who support women's sexual and reproductive rights must be heard.

"The Religious Declaration debuted as a full page ad in the New York Times in January 2000, surrounded by the names of 850 endorsers. Since that time, more than 3500 religious leaders from more than 50 faith traditions from every state and 12 countries have endorsed its message that faith communities must break the silence about sexuality and be truth seeking, courageous and just.

As might be expected, the religious right was not amused – indeed six months after it was published, Focus on the Family’s Citizen Magazine ran a cover story called, “Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing” about the Religious Declaration, with a side bar about my decision to go to seminary they titled, “The High Priestess of Immorality.”

Ten years ago, Rev. Dr. Larry Greenfield and I had lunch upstairs in the Refectory to talk about what we might do next with the Religious Declaration and its network of endorsers. We sketched out the goals of a new organization on a napkin – to grow and support this new network of religious leaders committed to sexual justice – to help faith communities, including congregations, seminaries, and denominations become sexually healthy and responsible communities – and to bring a progressive authentic religious voice on sexual justice into the public square. A fellow student came up and asked what we were doing so intently. We looked at each other and said, “Perhaps creating history.” I don’t think we could have imagined today.

It was a time to act and a time to build. Victor Hugo wrote centuries ago, “There is no greater power than an idea whose time has come.” The time for a new multifaith movement on sexuality and religion had come.

There has always been deep hunger for a greater understanding, a greater acceptance of the relationship of sexuality, spirituality, and faith. We need only think of the eroticism of the young unmarried couple in the Song of Songs, the voices of Julian and Jovinian resisting calls to celibacy, the ecstatic poetry of the saints, even Augustine’s plaintive cry in the Confessions, “Give me chastity, but not yet.”

It is a hunger that continues today. As a minister I know that many people of faith are seeking to understand how they can act morally and still embrace their sexuality. They want to be good and they want to be sexual. As a man in his thirties said to me with tears in his eyes last year, “I’ve been taught I can either embrace my sexuality or my religion. Not both. Can you help me?” A newly married 24 year old Southern Baptist asked me, “Rev. Debra, my whole life I was taught that sex was a sin. And now that I’m married, I’m supposed to forget all that and just enjoy myself. It’s killing me not to be able to do that with my husband.”

I know that many of us experience brokenness about our sexuality – a brokenness that is often suffered in silence in our faith communities. Some of us were sexually abused as children; some of us have been forced to have sex against our will; some of us struggle in abusive relationships; some of us struggle with how to improve sex and intimacy and some of us have given up on love and sex completely. We are so grateful to the seminaries and denominations who are working with us to assure that future religious leaders have the training they need to help with sexuality issues.

Unitarian Minister Theodore Parker first said, "The arc of the moral universe is long, but it bends toward justice." The past decade has seen more and more faith communities making a commitment to sexual health and justice. Ten years ago, no woman led a denomination; today at least five do. Ten years ago, only the Unitarian Universalist Association and the United Church of Christ had welcoming organizations promoting the full inclusion of lesbian and gay persons. Today, Jewish, Muslim, Roman Catholic, evangelical, and every mainline Protestant denomination have a welcoming organization. During the past decade, more and more denominations are ordaining openly gay and lesbian, and in some cases transgender, clergy persons, with the Presbyterian Church (USA) poised to become the latest this year.

A vivid display of change came in the mail this week. Have you seen the cover of this week’s Christian Century? Sex a Sacramental View is the cover headline. Even for the Christian Century, sex sells. The lead article proclaims the need for, “a rich, candid, ongoing ecclesial conversation about sex as both an earthly pleasure and a heavenly treasure, a feast and a gift, a delight and an honor and therefore a breathtaking responsibility.” It’s hard to imagine this cover story possible a decade ago.

Sexual justice issues are moral issues that demand a public progressive religious response. Our commitment to the most marginalized and our understanding that it is because life is so precious, we must do everything possible to make sure it is not created carelessly means that we must support contraception and sexuality education. Our commitment to the moral the moral agency of women means we must articulate that abortion is always a moral decision and that each woman must have the right to make that decision without government interference. Our theological commitment to the dignity and worth of all persons and our understanding that sexual and gender diversity is part of God’s blessing, means that we must stand up for full inclusion of GLBT persons. We must articulate that the sin is never sex but sexual exploitation. The sin is not homosexuality but homophobia and heterosexism. The sin is violence and discrimination against women and GLBT persons. The sin is when any of us, whether heterosexual, homosexual, or bisexual, make sexual decisions that exploit others.

Today the Religious Institute enters its second decade with a renewed commitment to assuring that in the next decade, all faith communities will be sexually healthy, just, and prophetic. In a few minutes, we will ask you to join your voices and your hearts to affirm that you will stand with us as members of our Faithful Voices Network.

Robert Kennedy Jr. wrote (and I have changed his pronouns a bit!) "It is from …diverse acts of courage and belief that human history is shaped. Each time people stand up for an ideal, or act to improve the lot of others, or strike out against injustice, they send forth a tiny ripple of hope, and crossing each other from a million different centers of energy and daring those ripples build a current which can sweep down the mightiest walls of oppression and resistance."

Today, may we remind ourselves that we can be those ripples of hope. It is time to speak, time to act, time to build, time to rejoice, and time to recommit ourselves together to creating a world of sexual and spiritual wholeness and hope."

Last week, I invited you to send in your picture to be part of the Religious Institute's 10th anniversary celebration and the commissioning of the Faithful Voices Network. If you get us your picture by noon today (Tuesday, March 29th), we can still include you: www.religiousinstitute.org/pics But, we've also just arranged for you to watch the worship service live from your home or office. It starts at 12:00 p.m. EST, and will feature several members of the Religious Institute advisory board and the world premiere of a new hymn by Patrick Evans, commissioned just for the 10th anniversary. You can watch it here at www.religiousinstitute.org/streaming Come join us for worship on Thursday, March 31st and celebrate with us!

The Religious Institute was born in April 2001 in the Refectory at Union Theological Seminary in New York City. We sought to advance the goals and vision of the then-new Religious Declaration on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing.

It has been an amazing ten years. Our network has grown to more than 5200 religious leaders from more than 70 faith traditions and thousands of people of faith support our Faithful Voices Network. Our ministry to clergy, congregations, denominations, and seminaries have helped create sexually healthy faith communities. What's more we have helped changed the dialog about sexuality and religion.

I began this blog in 2006, and although I now also blog for the Huffington Post and the Washington Post (as well as Facebook and Twitter @revdebra) my readers here have been a constant source of inspiration and encouragement (and some times hearty disagreement.) We'd like you to be able to be with us virtually at the 10th anniversary celebration.

Please go to www.religiousinstitute.org/pics and download a picture of yourself holding the Faithful Voices Network sign. Or "Like us" on our Facebook page and we'll do it for you with your facebook picture.

We'd love for you to also leave your message of support, either here or on Facebook.

Celebrate with us!

UPDATE: I have been contacted by the Naming Project, who let me know that the staff at the camp are Lutheran ministers and lay leaders who are openly gay. I am sorry that I missed that in my observations about the piece. Please see the Comment from Ross in the Comment section for more more information about the Naming Project.

I just happened to see an ad that the Oprah Winfrey Network Lisa Ling show was titled "Pray the Gay Away?" last night.

You can see a trailer at http://www.facebook.com/OurAmerica

The first 30 minutes of the program was filming of an Exodus ("ex-gay") conference, and an un-responded to statement that the Bible is anti-gay (although Ling does point out that there are only six explicit verses.) Two pieces examined the troubled childhoods of two gay individuals reinforcing the myth that parenting makes people gay. There was a short piece on the naming project, a camp for queer Christian young people. It wasn't until 55 minutes into the program that we heard an adult man who said he was gay, Christian, and happy.

I kept waiting for them to interview religious leaders who understand that sexual and gender diversity is part of God's blessing -- with the exception of the camp counselor, there was none. I was hoping that they might mention that many denominations in America, including the UUA, the UCC, and the Union for Reform Judaism, are fully welcoming and inclusive. They did not. I wanted them to talk with some of my colleagues from the large number of denomination groups working for full inclusion -- or someone from among the thousands of gay and lesbian clergy I know. They did not.

I tweeted to my followers (@revdebra) that it is a MYTH that you can't be happy, gay, and Christian (or any other faith.) I reminded my followers that God loves them, that we are all created in God's image, and that as one of our Open Letters, endorsed by more than 2700 leaders says, "sexual difference is a blessed part of our endowment."

Oprah and Lisa, I expected better from you.

Yesterday, Rev. Richard Cizik and I released an op ed column on our joint support for domestic and international family planning.

You may remember Rev. Cizik as the head of the National Association of Evangelicals, a position he became after Rev. Ted Haggard had to step down after being discovered having sex and buying drugs from a male escort.

Rev. Cizik has gone on to head a new organization, the New Evangelical Partnership, which is a coalition of more mainstream evangelical organizations committed to the common good. Here's a piece of part of what we said:

As religious leaders, we are both called to respond to the needs of the most marginalized, the most vulnerable, and the most likely to be excluded. Both of our organizations are committed to Goal Five of the United Nations Millennium Development Goals, calling for improved global maternal health by reducing maternal mortality by three quarters and achieving universal access to reproductive health. Both of us are committed to helping create a just and equitable world where no woman will die giving birth to the next generation.

Although we hold differing moral values about abortion, we share a commitment that because life is sacred, it should never be created carelessly or unintentionally. That is why we both support the Title X family planning program, which helps avert nearly one million pregnancies in the United States annually. That is why we have a shared belief in international family planning programs, because we know that maternal mortality around the world could be reduced by more than 70 percent by improved access to reproductive health services. We support domestic and international family planning because we know it reduces neonatal and maternal morbidity and mortality, including deaths attributable to unsafe abortions--and it helps build strong families and lives.

As religious leaders, we are called to improve women's and children's lives. It is simply inconceivable to either of us that those who oppose abortion services also have voted to cut or eliminate family planning, prenatal care, mother and infant nutrition programs, and community health services. We stand together in calling on people of faith across the religious spectrum to stand up for the needs of low-income families and their children. We are pro-faith, pro-family, and pro-child.

As people of faith, we call on the U.S. Senate to reject the draconian and ultimately immoral cuts proposed by the U.S. House of Representatives. As religious leaders called by God to co-create a better world where all may flourish and thrive, we can do no less.

You can read the whole piece at www.washingtonpost.com/onfaith

Later today, the Maryland Legislature is likely to pass marriage equality legislation for same sex couples.

Yesterday, Hawaii's governor signed a same sex union bill, giving same sex couples all the rights of marriage in the state. A few weeks ago, the Illinois governor need similarly.

And, the President of the United States told the U.S. Justice Department to stop defending DOMA, the Defense of Marriage Act, even as it continues for some inexplicable reason to defend "Don't Ask Don't Tell" in the courts following the signing of its repeal.

I'm celebrating all of those.

But, I can't help wonder how it is that these bills are moving ahead with such alacrity while at the same time attacks on family planning and abortion are at the highest levels I can remember in my 35 years in this field. As I'm sure you know, last week, the House of Representatives voted to defund the federal family planning program, eliminate most funding for international family planning, and specifically ban Planned Parenthoods from federal funds. (I wrote about support for domestic and international family planning in last week's Washington Post.)

People across the country are speaking out against these cuts, and you can add your name to a petition that is receiving tens of thousands of signatures. Rallys are planned for many cities, including New York City this weekend, and I intend to be there.

I'm struggling to understand how rights for lesbian and gay people are advancing while reproductive rights for women are so precarious. Is it that the religious right has abandoned their fight against homosexuality because they know that the culture has tipped and they will lose? Is it that reproductive rights are taken for granted as they've been in place for the past 40 years so the activists have not made inroads into the mainstream and perhaps these latest assaults will be a needed wake up call? Is it the difference between state laws and legislatures which vary widely and the U.S. House which has so precariously tipped conservative? Is it that gay votes are seen as more important than those of women? Is it that in a troubled economic time, poor women are seen as marginal? Is it that the LGBT movement is better organized and better funded?

It could be all of this. I'd like to know your thoughts.

What I do know is that sexual justice shouldn't be siloed. That at its core my commitment is to sexual justice for all -- and that includes women, LGBT people, sexuality education, family planning and abortion access, and marriage equality. I hope you will join me in speaking out for all our rights.

In some ways, Valentine’s Day is a perfect holiday for me. The legend of Valentine’s Day is unique among secular holidays in its connection of religion and sexuality. Its history is both pagan and early Christian.

The Roman festival “Lupercalia” was a pagan holiday in mid February to assure the fertility of both women and crops. Young men pulled slips of paper with the names of young women out of boxes to learn who would be their sexual companions for the next year, sort of an early match.com.

In 496 c.e., Pope Gelasive turned the festival into a minor Christian holiday, naming it for St. Valentine. The names of saints replaced the names of young women on the slips of paper in the boxes, and men were supposed to emulate the saint on the slip they had chosen for the next year. (One can only imagine this must have been a hard sell after the previous custom!)

St. Valentine was a priest in the third century (or maybe a composite of several priests.) The Emperor Claudius had outlawed marriage for young men so they could serve in his military without family obligations. The priest Valentine continued to marry young couples in secret. Discovered, he was sent to jail and sentenced to death for disobeying the Emperor. The legend continues that he fell in love with the jailor’s daughter, and wrote her a note, signed “From Your Valentine”, prior to his beheading on February 14, 270. This of course was when priests were still allowed to marry.

Quite a history for a day that's now celebrated with Hallmark cards and boxes of candy. It's early pagan origins remind us of the centrality for many people of having a sexual partner in their life. St. Valentine's story reminds us that marriage was once not available to young men, and that he began his own marriage equality movement in protest.

I like that so many sexual justice organizations celebrate Valentine's Day as a day of justice. It's Freedom to Marry week, it's Standing on the Side of Love Sunday, it's even national condom week.

And it's a day and a week to celebrate love -- all the types of love that grace our lives. For those of us with a partner, it's a time for a "recommitment ritual", a time to remember what makes our relationship special and holy. For those of us with children, it's a time to remember our special bonds of love. For all of us, it's a time to be grateful for the people who we love and the people who love of us, just the way we are.

Happy Valentine's Day.

Rep. Christopher Smith (R-NJ) and 173 co-sponsors introduced a heinous bill, "No Taxpayer Funding for Abortion Act."

It goes further than any other previous legislative proposal to make abortion less accessible, less available, especially to low income women. Jessica Arons from the Center for American Progress presents a comprehensive review of what's so wrong with this legislation at www.rhrealitycheck.org

There are so many reasons to oppose this bill, but it's the provision that redefines rape that has me the most upset. For decades now, there has been an agreement even by the most anti-choice legislators that poor women who become pregnant because of rape or incest should have access to abortion services.

Rep. Smith and his friends have now decided that only women who are victims of "force-able rape" would be "worthy" of being able to have an abortion. Not women who were coerced, not women who are minors and victims of statutory rapes, not women who were drugged -- just those who are forced.

This issue isn't just political to me, it's personal. I was date raped twice as a young woman. There were no guns or knives --just men who didn't listen as I yelled "no" and went ahead anyway. Back in the mid 70's, there wasn't a term for date rape; in fact, I had several older women at the time tell me that there wasn't anything to be done, it just happened some time to women who were alone with men who didn't listen. I was fortunate that I didn't become pregnant either time -- and I've been happy that on today's high school and college campuses young people are routinely taught about date rape and that "no means no."

And so, I am furious that Rep. Smith has decided that once again it's not rape unless there's force involved. I'd like the GOP to listen to those of us who are survivors who will tell them that the only definition of rape is sex without consent of both partners - no adjectives involved.

The Washington Post asked its On Faith panel this week to reflect on a Catholic hospital's decision to not offer sterilizations and the excommunication of a nun who had courageously helped a woman who was dying having an abortion that saved her life.

You can read my response and other panel member's reactions here:

www.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/index.html

Most of the comments that follow my blog are predictably anti-abortion and feel to me that they miss the point of my column. I support the rights of individual providers to not perform services that they find morally objectionable as long as they refer women to the safe and legal services they need. Supporting reproductive justice is not just about legal services, it's also about safe services as illustrated so dramatically about the news of an unregulated provider in Pennsylvania.

I'd love you to leave a comment at the Washington Post blog to support women's rights to legal, safe, and accessible reproductive health services, regardless of where they live.

Saturday is the 38th Anniversary of the Supreme Court's Roe v. Wade Decision.

I had the good fortune to attend the Connecticut Coalition for Choice dinner last night, marking the Roe anniversary and honoring the doctors who perform safe and legal abortions to women in Connecticut.

The dinner included an award to Dr. Leroy Carhart, one of the nation's few doctors who perform abortions in later pregnancies. Dr. Carhart worked closely with Dr. George Tiller, the doctor who was murdered as he attended church in 2009, and told us that they had promised each other that if something happened, the other would continue the work. Dr. Carhart shared some of the heartbreaking stories of the women he serves. He told us that yes, he is cautious about his security, but he is not afraid, and that he believes in saving women's lives and futures, he is doing God's work.

I think so too.

The Reverend Maria LaSala, minister at the First Presbyterian Church in New Haven, offered the Benediction. I was deeply moved by her words, and asked her for permission to share them with you. She prayed,


"Let us remain steadfast in our commitment to ensure that women of all ages, races, and economic realities, have the right to legal, safe, and affordable abortion.

Let us remain steadfast in our support of the doctors, nurses, and health center staff who, morning by morning and day by day, affirm women’s choices to terminate a pregnancy and provide the necessary medical procedures to keep women healthy and strong.

Let us remain steadfast in our commitment to honor the choices that women who face unwanted and unplanned pregnancies make, knowing that any decision concerning women’s reproductive health is never easy.

On this night, let us remember Dr. George Tiller, Dr. Bernard Slepian, Shannon Lowney, Lee Ann Nichols, Dr. David Gunn, Dr. John Britton, James Barrett and John Sanderson, and all those who lost their lives or were injured due to abortion related violence. On this night we give thanks for Dr. Carhart, whose perseverance and commitment to proving abortions in the face of ongoing threats and dangers, is ever a blessing. We ask that God watch over all those who work in women’s health care centers, that no harm might come to them.

And now, may the love and compassion of the Holiest of Holies surround us. May the strength of all that is holy be with us."

On this 38th anniversary of Roe, may it indeed be so.

At 11:00 am today, I will heed President Obama's call, light a candle and invite the Religious Institute staff into a moment of silence and then an opportunity to talk about their feelings about the shootings this weekend in Arizona.

We are all collectively reeling from the horror of 20 people being shot on a Saturday morning at the grocery store. And our hearts go out to Congresswoman Gifford as she struggles for her life, the families of those who were killed and wounded, those who witnessed the event, and the family of the young man who for reasons yet unknown killed and maimed them.

Yes, reasons yet unknown. The airways, the blogosphere, and our inboxes are overflowing with people who are using this tragedy to further their own interests and points of view. I'm guessing you've received many of the emails from organizations expressing their sympathy AND going one step further to capitalize on the situation. I've received e-cards from civil rights, mental health, Jewish, Christian, and political organizations and a wealth of commentators on the left and the right with their particular points of view. The posts on my facebook page from gay organizations on the heroism of the intern - who happens t0 be gay -- made me shake my head. (Interestingly, the only organizations I have yet to receive something from are the handgun control groups, which to my mind are the organizations which have something to say now regardless of what we learn about the shootings.) Some of the organizations have included DONATE buttons on their e-cards.

The experts and and people getting their 15 minutes of fame are all out in force. In the first hour of the Today show, we met two men who helped sit on the gunman and a woman who took a class with him last spring. REALLY?

I understand that we are all seeking to make meaning out of this senseless tragedy and that it raises intense fears for the safety of our leaders -- and ourselves. We need to talk about it -- with our loved ones and in our religious communities and in our places of work.

But I can't help but wish that all the experts, the talking heads, the organizations would take not just a moment of silence, but the next few days to pray, to think, to understand and resist the urge to use this moment as an opportunity for promotion.

I'm just back from a week's vacation...but I know you join me in celebrating the end of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." I can't wait to watch the President sign its repeal tomorrow.

This significant vote in both the House and the Senate, by a majority of Congresspersons, is the beginning of the end of government supported homophobia and discrimination against people based on their sexual orientation and gender identity.

Call me an optimist, but I believe that the repeal of DOMA and the passage of a trans inclusive ENDA can't be far behind.

The arc of the universe DOES bend towards justice.

It's been almost 30 years since I first met someone with AIDS.

It's been twenty five years since I gave my first speech on AIDS prevention.

It's been twenty two years since I created Teens For AIDS Prevention in Washington, D.C.

It's been twenty years since I lost my first friend to this dreadful disease.

It's been too many years for HIV prevention to not be in every school, every clinic, every faith based organization, every country in the world.

And so on this World AIDS Day, I recommit myself and the Religious Institute to speaking out and working for an end to this now global largely preventable pandemic.

And I light this virtual candle to the people who died too soon, in my life and in yours. Bill, Billy, Danny, Marjorie, Lacey, Stewart, Damien, Bill, Michael, & Jim, may yours be an everlasting memory, an everlasting name.

The Washington Post On Faith Blog asked this week, "What beliefs support the ban on gays in the military?"

I was tempted to just write a three word column: Ignorance. Bigotry. Homophobia.

Instead, I wrote the following column:

http://onfaith.washingtonpost.com/onfaith/panelists/debra_w_haffner/2010/11/its_dont_ask_dont_tell_thats_immoral_-_not_homosexuality.html

I'd love for you to leave your comment there.

I long for the day when this question will seem as out dated and outrageous as asking "what beliefs support the ban on women" or "what beliefs support the ban on blacks and whites serving together" do now.

I just completed two mornings of training with future Rabbis and Cantors.

One of the topics included adolescent sexuality education and what teens needed from their religious communities. I asked the group had they ever heard about concerns about middle school students and oral sex at Bar/Bat Mitzvah celebrations and all of them had.

I've long argued in my books (see side bar to order my book, Beyond the Big Talk) that oral sex in the middle school is largely NOT happening. I've said that I can remember the name of the girl in the eighth grade who was offering oral sex, and that perhaps today there might be a few more, but my sense from working with teens around the country is that most middle schoolers are still worrying about kissing and that oral sex scandals in middle schools is largely a media myth.

There's new national probability data from Indiana University that backs that up. The new IU study finds that only 13% of 14 and 15 year old boys had received oral sex, matching pretty closely the 12% of girls those ages who say they offer it. One in ten girls that age say that they have received oral sex, also challenging the myth that girls are always the ones performing, boys receiving.

The numbers jump once teens are juniors and seniors in high school, but still only a minority of teens ages 16 and 17 have had oral sex ever. One third of the boys and 23% of the girls had received oral sex; one quarter of the girls and 20% of the boys had offered it. Few had had same sex partners. Teenagers are just not as sexually experienced as most adults believe.

Surely we need to be concerned about the youngest teens engaging in intimate sexual behaviors with a partner, and these studies do not look at the context of the relationships. Young people need our guidance and support to make healthy sexually decisions and set sexual limits. Parents, schools, and faith based organizations all play an important role. But, these numbers indicate that we need to be much more cautious in accepting media stories or rumors designed to alarm us that don't reflect actual young people's lives.

My blog on the "It Gets Better" Project. Please comment and pass on.

I delivered these comments to open a Vigil in Norwalk, CT on the recent suicides of several lesbian and gay youth.

I bring you greetings from the Unitarian Church in Westport, where I serve as the community minister, and the Religious Institute, the organization I lead of more than 5000 religious leaders from across the United States. I stand here tonight as a clergy person, as a mom, as a neighbor, as someone who works every day for the full inclusion of us all, and someone who loves many many gay and lesbian people.

Tonight we come together with heavy hearts to commemorate the lives of the at least seven teenagers who took their lives because of bullying and harassment: Bill Lucas, Seth Walsh, Asher Brown, Tyler Clementi, Raymond Chase, and Aiyisha Hasan.

The only thing we know for sure these young people had in common was that they were perceived to be gay or lesbian.

We come together tonight to say, “Enough. Never Again. Enough.”

There is nothing new about bullying. Forty five years ago, here in Norwalk, I was bullied and physically attacked as a second grader at Fitch School up the street from here because I was Jewish. Many of the grownups here were probably bullied for a whole variety of reasons as well. Teachers and parents often ignored it, thinking it was a children’s problem to take care of. For those of us who carry the scars from elementary school, middle school, high school, we know that we’ve struggled with those feelings of not being accepted, not being welcome all of our lives.
People who are LGBTQQI, teens and yes, adults – that means lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer, questioning, and intersex – are often harassed and bullied throughout their lives. An anti-bullying initiative will fail as long as WE fail to stand up to the homophobia – the hatred directed at LGBT people – that still exists in our schools, on our streets, in our workplaces, in our laws, and in our society.

To the LGBT people here, both teens and adults, I am here to tell you that God loves you just the way you are …and that sexual and gender diversity is blessing to us all.

To the LGBT teens here, I want to say that you are loved, worthy, and accepted just the way you are. That God made you, that people love you, and that suicide is NEVER the solution. If you are being bullied, TELL SOMEONE, ASK FOR HELP, REACH OUT. Yes, as the YouTube project says, it does get better, but I want it to be okay for you right now. And I want you to know that there are adults who can help.

To all of the teens here, I beg you to become the generation that no longer accepts bullying as a fact of life in middle school and high school, but says NO MORE. Standing up for people who are being bullied, telling someone a joke is offensive, asking fellow students to abandon “that’s so gay” as a universal put down, is not tattling or not being able to take a joke – it’s courageous, it’s intervening, and it may save someone’s life. Teens must take a stand.

To the religious leaders here, I ask you, I implore you to use your pulpits to proclaim a life saving message that God loves us all. That while we may all not agree about what four passages in the Bible say about same sex sexual relationships, we know that the overarching messages of our Scriptures is Love Your Neighbor as Yourself. All of Our Neighbors. In response to the question to our Christian neighbors “What Would Jesus Do about Homosexuality?” I am quite sure the answer would be Love Them. Include Them. Welcome Them. And take the log out of your own eye about other people’s sexual behavior. In too many cases, religion has fed cultural homophobia, and left people feeling alienated and ashamed. If religion has been part of the problem, we must become part of the solution, and that includes speaking out against those who hide their homophobia, their own fears of their sexuality, behind four verses.

To the government leaders, school officials, police, and teachers here, I urge that you pledge to make our workplaces, schools, community agencies, and streets safe for every one of us, regardless of our sexual orientation or gender identity. And that means you too must intervene, speak out, and stop harassment at any level.

To those of you who are parents or neighbors or caring adults, thank you for coming out and please make a commitment to yourself that you will speak up, speak out for the dignity and worth of all people. Tell your neighbors and your co-workers that you were here tonight and ask for their help. The culture will change when we all say loudly and often that every one of us has the right to live and love free from harassment and discrimination.

During the height of the AIDS epidemic, there was a poster that read Silence = Death. Silence about homophobia and bullying and violence and discrimination has also meant death. Pledge with me tonight that you will be silent no more.

Say it with me. Enough. Never Again. Enough.

God bless you all.

Dear Clergy Colleagues:

It’s Tuesday morning, and you are probably not quite ready to think about next weekend’s sermon. Perhaps you’ve already announced the upcoming topic in your newsletter. I am praying that you might be willing to change it.

You may know that October 11th is National Coming Out Day, a day that encourages gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender (GLBT) people to publicly state who they are. In light of the at least five gay youth who killed themselves in September, it’s time for us to come together as religious leaders and say, “Enough.”

I’m hoping that next weekend from your pulpits you will come out with your support for GLBT youth and adults. Yesterday, I issued this challenge to the nation’s clergy in a column for the Washington Post. You can read it at http://ow.ly/2Oj7l

In part, it read:

All of us have teens and young adults who are gay or lesbian in our congregations, many who are suffering in silence and are at risk. A study done by my colleagues at the Christian Community, found that 14% of teens in religious communities identify as something other than heterosexual. Almost nine in ten of them have not been open about their sexuality with clergy or other adult leaders in their faith communities. Almost half have not disclosed their sexual orientation to their parents. And nonheterosexual teens who regularly attend religious services were twice as likely as heterosexual teens to have seriously considered suicide. Our young people are dying because we are not speaking out for them.

What if next weekend all of us told them from our pulpits how heartbroken we are by Tyler Clementi’s suicide and that we want to make sure that no young person in our community would ever feel such despair? Or perhaps you can begin to develop sexuality education programs in your community for youth and parents that include education about sexual orientation and gender identity. Include books in your congregation library about new theological understandings of sexual orientation and pamphlets from LGBT persons in your vestibules. Invite LGBT adults in your congregations to lead worship or education programs and tell their stories. Tell your teens and young adults that you love them, that God loves them and that you will stand with them in the face of bullying, victimization, and harassment. Invite them, beseech them to come to you or other trusted adults if they are even remotely thinking about taking their own life.

As a member of the Religious Institute network, I know that you support full inclusion of LGBT persons. I hope you’ll join with clergy across the United States in speaking out this weekend. For worship resources, see our online guide, Acting Out Loud.

You may remember that Dietrich Bonhoeffer wrote, “Silence in the face of evil is itself evil; God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act.” It is time for all of us to act.

In Faith,

Rev. Debra W. Haffner

Dear readers: I wrote this letter this morning to the Today Show, who ignored the reason behind Tyler Clementi's suicide, concentrating only on Internet bullying. Please consider writing them as well at Today@nbcuni.com And please talk to your children! Tell them nothing is worth taking their life over, that you love them, and that sexual diversity is part of God's gift to us. PLEASE.

Dear Today,

Your piece on Tyler Clementi's suicide focused almost exclusively on the dangers of webcams and internet posting, rather than addressing what drove Tyler to take his life.

If Tyler had been kissing a girl, this tape wouldn't have been made. If made, it wouldn't have been twittered and posted.

But, he wasn't. He was kissing another boy, and even in today's world, that made him the subject of ridicule and hate. And his shame at being outed drove him to end his life.

Homophobia and hate caused his death, and you inadvertently add to the problem when you don't even mention it.

Tyler's death is one of five gay teens and young adults in the last few weeks. Can we count on you for a segment on gay teen suicide? Can we count on you to get the word out about GLSEN, or It Gets Better, or the Trevor Helpline?

Let's make sure that Tyler didn't die in vain. Help us make this a teachable moment for parents and teens. Please call on me if I can be of help as you prepare this segment on the real issue that is causing so many young people to take their lives -- and how parents can make sure that their children know that they are loved and accepted without regard to their sexual orientation or gender identity.

The Reverend Debra W. Haffner

This coming weekend, more than 20 clergy in New London, CT will address sexuality from their pulpits. In Jewish, Protestant, Roman Catholic, Unitarian Universalist, and Muslim faith communities, congregants will hear that sexuality is sacred.

My colleague, Dr. Kate Ott, Deputy Director of the Religious Institute, has been a resource to the New London clergy association for the past three years.

The local paper, The Day, featured op eds from a variety of religious leaders on sexuality this past Sunday. You can read them here http://www.theday.com/article/20100926/OP03/100929776/1044

I'm excited to see this commitment by the New London clergy to bring sexuality into their churches, synagogues, and mosques. Let us know if we can help you!

The Religious Institute is committed to working towards a just, equitable, and inclusive world. On September 15th, as part of that global commitment, the Religious Institute is releasing its first internationally focused theological framework, the new Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Maternal Mortality and Reproductive Justice.

The Open Letter is being released to coincide with the United Nation’s High-Level Plenary Meeting on the Millennium Development Goals. In 2000, the leaders of 189 countries agreed to eight goals to eradicate extreme poverty. Goal Five calls for improved global maternal health by reducing maternal mortality by three quarters and achieving universal access to reproductive health.

Every year, more than 340,000 women and girls die as a result of the preventable complications from pregnancy and childbirth, almost all in developing countries. According to the Guttmacher Institute and the United Nations Population Fund, maternal mortality could be reduced by more than 70 percent by improved access to reproductive health services, including contraception, treatment for pregnancy and birth complications, and strategies to prevent or manage abortion related complications.

The new Open Letter recognizes that this is not just a public health crisis but a moral one. As the letter states, “the sacredness of life is best upheld when women and men create life intentionally, and women are able to have healthy pregnancies and childbirths.” Surely, people of faith from diverse perspectives can agree to work to create a world where no woman loses her life to create a new one.

The Open Letter calls on all religious leaders to:
• Educate themselves and their faith communities about the crisis of maternal mortality.
• Publicly advocate for increased support for maternal health and reproductive health services, domestically and globally.
• Work within their traditions to make the reduction of preventable maternal mortality a social justice issue.

You can help. If you are a religious leader, please become one of the endorsers of the new Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Maternal Mortality and Reproductive Justice. Become involved with the Religious Institute’s Rachel Sabbath Initiative. As a person of faith, join the U.N. Millennium Campaign.

The Open Letter ends, “We are called to bear witness to the harsh reality that without comprehensive sexual and reproductive health services, women and girls around the world suffer illness, violence and death. Our mission as faith communities compels us to work together to assure that all may flourish. We renew our call to sexual and reproductive justice. We make a solemn commitment to help create a just and equitable world where no woman will die giving birth to the next generation.”

May it be so.

I offered this chalice lighting at our homecoming services yesterday.

The first words spoken in the Hebrew Bible are, "Let there be light."

Let there be light today as we once again gather in community.

Let us feel the light of each others' lives.

Let us feel the light of the New Year, Rosh Hashanah, and the end of Ramadan.

Let us remember those we lost on September 11th.

Let this light remind us to bring our light into the world-our search for truth, appreciation of diversity and full inclusion.

Let it remind us to witness against those who would burn sacred texts, commit acts of terrorism, or deny that every one of us has inherent dignity and self worth.

Let this chalice represent what brings us back to our beloved community-the gifts of friendship, of wisdom, of insights, of encouragement, or support. Let this light remind us of our history, our knowing, our shared silence and our shared laughter, our shared tears, and our shared hopes for our futures.

May our lights be rekindled - as individuals, as friends, as family, as a church community.

Let there always be light.

This Saturday's Belief Column in the NY Times began:

"Sooner or later, every traditional faith has to confront sexual impropriety by its spiritual leaders: extramarital sex, or sex with the wrong people (members of the congregation, minors) or, for supposedly celibate clergy, any sex at all."

REALLY?

It is NOT inevitable that religious leaders will sexually act out...how sad that we have come to a place where that is viewed as a statement of fact.

Yes, dear readers, I know that there are legions of stories throughout the ages where spiritual leaders have done just that. But it doesn't have to be so.

In our classes and materials, the Religious Institute has defined the characteristics of a sexually healthy religious professional. In part, a sexually healthy religious professional uses power justly and recognizes the potential for the abuse of that power, and knows how to deal with sexual feelings appropriately, recognizing boundaries for relationships with those he or she serves. The Religious Institute recommends that every seminary REQUIRE a course in sexual misconduct prevention for every student studying for the ministry, and that denominations require such a learning experience for every ministerial candidate.


Sexual misconduct by clergy is preventable not inevitable. It's past time for seminaries and denominations and lay leadership to assure it.

When we look back at the history of marriage equality, yesterday will surely be a milestone.

Judge Vaughn Walker, chief justice of the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of California overturned Prop 8. The decision in part said:

"Proposition 8 fails to advance any rational basis in singling out gay men and lesbians for denial of a marriage license."

From this minister's perspective, not a moral or religious one as well. The Religious Institute has supported marriage equality since its founding in 2001. More than 2200 ordained clergy have endorsed our "Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Marriage Equality." Several faith traditions have policies that support marriage for same sex couples, and more than two dozen denominations urged Congress to defeat the Federal Marriage Amendment way back in 2004.

There is surely to be much hand wringing by conservative religious groups this morning, and there is no doubt there will be an attempt to appeal Judge Walker's ruling (maybe even by the time you are reading this!) This is very likely to the first step in the sure to come Supreme Court ruling on marriage for same sex couples. What it is important for us is to keep reinforcing that many religious leaders, congregations, and denominations support marriage because we know that where there is love, the sacred is in our midst. As I wrote in my last blog, good marriages are based on responsibility, equity, and love, without restrictions based on biological sex, procreative potential, or sexual orientation of the partners.

So, for today, let's celebrate this latest decision and move toward equality! And know that tomorrow it's time to get back to work.

I am so pleased to be one of the religious leaders selected to be part of the Washington Post's On Faith panel. Organized by Sally Quinn and Jon Meachem, each week we are sent a question to consider answering.

This week's question was, "Should Religions Intermarry?"

The question was sparked because of Methodist Chelsea Clinton's upcoming wedding this weekend to a Jewish man.

You can read my response to the question here. In a nutshell, I said that people bring many differences to marriage, and that people's religion, gender, or sexual orientation don't define what makes a good marriage. I also shared some of what I've learned from being in an interfaith marriage for almost 30 years.

It's not interfaith marriage, interracial marriage, or same sex marriage. It's just marriage -- and it's a lot of work.

What do you think?

And blessings to all of the couples -- including Chelsea and Marc -- getting married this weekend.

I'm behind in blogging, as I just returned on Tuesday from a mini-vacation celebrating my dad's 80th birthday, and then had the second part of a root canal procedure. Apologies to my regular readers for falling behind! I am usually still on twitter though, so for quick updates, follow me there at @revdebra

It's been quite a week.

Good news on marriage equality. Argentina passed marriage equality for same sex couples. You have to wonder if they can do it there, why the U.S. can't do it here. The D.C. Court of Appeals decided by a slim margin to uphold marriage equality in the district. Last week, as you probably know, a Massachusetts court said that denying marriage to same sex couples is unconstitutional. That will probably be the basis for a future Supreme Court ruling.

Not so good news on abortion. The President yesterday inexplicably put out a ruling prohibiting abortion coverage for any reason in the new high risk pools being created. Going beyond the requirements of the Hyde amendment, it seems to be away to further mollify the right on reproductive health services for women. For greater analysis, you might want to check out NARAL or PPFA's web sites.

I was pleased however to read the President's new HIV/AIDS strategic plan, released earlier this week. You can read it at www.whitehouse.gov I'll close this post with its vision statement:

“The United States will become a place where new HIV infections are rare and when they do occur, every person, regardless of age, gender, race/ethnicity, sexual orientation, gender identity or socio-economic circumstance, will have unfettered access to high quality, life-extending care, free from stigma and discrimination”

May it be so.

You may have seen the article in Newsweek about using medications in utero to decrease the likelihood that a girl fetus will be born a lesbian or reject tightly prescribed female sex roles.

The article behind the article was developed by the Hastings Center and you can read it here: http://www.thehastingscenter.org/Bioethicsforum/Post.aspx?id=4754&blogid=140

My reaction to the articles were mixed. Based on my own readings and discussions with scientists over the year, I do think that prenatal hormones and genetics play a role in both sexual orientation and gender identity. I think there is much that will be learned in the future about how much, and I support high quality, carefully reviewed, given consent for research -- apparently not what has been going on according to the Hastings Center.

However, the possibility that such research could be used for genetic engineering is appalling. I believe as a sexologist that sexual diversity is not "abnormal" but expected, and that we should support diversity not try to eliminate it. And as a minister, I believe that sexual and gender diversity is part of the blessing of God's creation. We need to name any attempt to use medications to change sexual orientation as eugenics, and work to oppose it before it even begins.

As our Open Letter on Sexual and Gender Diversity says,

"Loving, just communities embrace everyone; they are strengthened when all people are able to live fully and express their gender and sexuality with holiness and integrity. We celebrate sexual and gender diversity as a blessing that enriches all."

Beacon Press, the publishing arm of the Unitarian Universalist Association, is bringing out the collected works of Martin Luther King, Jr.

I have to confess that until this weekend I had never read more than speeches by Rev. Dr. King. I couldn't put "Stride to Freedom" down, and read it cover to cover in two sittings.

It is his telling of the Montgomery Bus Boycott. It was gripping. More than 50,000 people stayed off the Montgomery buses for more than a year. It was led by African American ministers and their congregations, who often faced personal violence, harassment, and arrest. It was a mass movement of people saying "ENOUGH" and standing up for their freedom at great personal cost.

Now, of course, I knew something about this, but I was deeply moved and inspired by this book, and it's starting me thinking about how in today's world, the movement towards full inclusion of LGBT people is at a similar "tipping point." This past weekend, as I participated in Minneapolis Pride and even attended a Kathy Griffin concert, I was moved to see the diversity of people supporting full inclusion. Holly Near is right: "we are gay and straight together and we are singing, singing for our lives." I have no doubt that if he were alive, Dr. King would be working with us on these issues. He writes in this book, "the inseparable twin of racial justice is economic justice." I would amend it to say that "racial justice, sexual justice, and economic justice are inseparable triplets." (Oh, I think I need to tweet that!)

I loved this quote from the book, as it also describes the ministry I hope I am doing in the world:

"Religion deals with both earth and heaven, both time and eternity. Religion operates not only on the vertical plane but also on the horizontal...any religion that professes to be concerned with the soul of men and is not concerned with the slums that damn them, the economic conditions that strangle them, and the social conditions that cripple them is as dry-as-dust religion."

Looking to be inspired this summer by your summer reading? Check out www.beacon.com

Rev. Haffner is on the road this week. This guest blog is by Tim Palmer, director of communications and outreach for the Religious Institute.

It's supposed to be hot and humid in New York City on Sunday, but I'll be stepping out with my fellow Episcopalians in the city's 40th annual march for LGBT Pride. The Village Voice has a terrific first-person account of the first march -- in 1970, one year after the Stonewall uprising of June 1969. Since that article isn't online, I'll direct you to Michael Musto's column instead.

Musto asks an important question: For all the progress and visibility LGBT people have achieved in popular culture, why are our civil rights still lagging behind? Here we are in Year Two of the Obama administration, and there's still no ENDA, no DADT repeal, and no mention of challenge to DOMA.

But -- unlike Years One through Eight of the previous administration -- there is reason for hope. The U.S. House of Representatives has authorized repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell; the Senate Armed Services Committee has followed suit; and now we await action by the full Senate. ENDA -- the Employment Non-Discrimination Act -- has at least gotten a hearing or two on Capitol Hill, and some advocates remain hopeful that the bill will finally pass. (Does 89% public support count for nothing?)

No surprise that the U.S. Catholic bishops and the Southern Baptist Convention are mobilizing to forestall both of these steps toward justice. The Religious Institute offers two ways for progressive people of faith to make their voices heard.

First: If you are a member of the clergy or a religious professional, read and endorse the Open Letter to Religious Leaders on Sexual and Gender Diversity. The Open Letter makes a faith-based argument for LGBT civil rights and full inclusion in our congregations and denominations. We launched this sign-on campaign earlier in the week in the hope of getting at least 1,000 signature by Monday, June 28th -- the 41st anniversary of Stonewall. We are more than halfway there. Please add your name, and forward the invitation to your friends and colleagues.

Second: We invite all people of faith -- laity and clergy, from all traditions -- to become part of the Faithful Voices Network. The network is a multifaith, grassroots movement of people of faith who support sexual health, education and justice, including LGBT equality. Take the pledge today!

If it's too hot to join in your local Pride march, do your celebrating online. Help us raise a faithful voice for LGBT justice. And have a happy and blessed Pride.

I had the privilege of attending a meeting at the Unitarian Universalist United Nations Office on "Exporting Homophobia" around the world. Ugandan Anglican Bishop Christopher Senyonjo, who is leading the effort against the anti-gay bill in Uganda, was the featured guest. A "dream team" of religious LGBT advocates were at the meeting, including Yvette Flunder, Cindi Love, Michael Adee, Stephen Parelli, and Michael Schuenemeyer.

I learned a new UN acronym at the meeting: SOGI. That stands for "sexual orientation and gender identity." A representative of the High Commissioner for Human Rights pledged her support to work to decriminalize homosexuality around the world. Other speakers talked about educating people of faith in the global south on alternative scriptural understandings of homosexuality and one person from Kenya spoke about moving people from seeing homosexuality as the sin to understanding that it is sodomy that is sinful.

Although I was happy to be there and moved by Bishop Senyonjo's presentation, I can't help but feel that the United Nations representatives aren't thinking BIG enough, and that many of the participants don't really understand the sexology of sexual orientation and gender identity and expression. I wonder how SOGI became code for LGBTI issues, when all people have a sexual orientation and a gender identity.

But, I also feel somehow that concentrating on the goal of decriminalization isn't BIG enough. Yes, we need to work to make sure that it is not a crime to engage in same sex sexual behaviors everywhere in the world, and yes, we need to help the UN understand and advocate that the rights of LGBTQI persons are protected as human rights.

However, we need to be articulating and working toward a world where it is understood that sexual and gender diversities are part of God's blessing to us, that sexual rights are human rights, and for a relationship-based rather than an act-based sexual ethic. I want to help create a world where participants in this type of forum would affirm the rights of consenting adults to sexual pleasure, regardless of the sex or gender of the partners and which body part goes into another. I want to be at meetings where we discuss how to move people of faith to a broader affirmation of sexual rights and pleasure for all of us.

This wasn't that meeting. I'm thinking about how the Religious Institute could help facilitate that type of dialogue. Ideas welcome!

I've just published a Huffington Post blog on the decision by a Christian school in Florida to fire a 39 year old teacher for having sex before her marriage.

You can read the full post at www.huffingtonpost.com/.../non-virgins-need-not-appl_b_61...

It's inconceivable to me that in today's world having premarital sex can be used as a reason to terminate employment -- or is seen as some how debased. Remember that more than 90% of Americans have premarital sex, and that's been true for at least the past forty years.

What do you think?

You all know that I've been critical about how slow change has been by the Obama administration on LGBT issues. I wish that ENDA had been passed, the end of DADT had been an executive order, and that the President would support marriage equality.

But change is happening. On Tuesday, the U.S. State Department announced new rules for people who are undergoing gender transitions who need passports. It used to be that only people who had had gender reassignment surgery could change their passports. No longer true. All a person will need is a doctor to certify that they have undergone gender transition. There's even an option for someone in the process of transitioning. I would have preferred that sex be removed from the passport application completely, but this is an important step forward. You can read the new policy at www.state.gov

The President promised us that his policies would be based on science and not ideology. I'm grateful to all of our colleague organizations who have worked to bring these changes about to recognize the humanity and equality of us all.

I started my professional career 35 years ago this summer at the Population Institute, where as the Director of the Resource Center, I developed fact sheets on population and family planning.

Last night, I read two outstanding articles on how vital family planning services still are to the world's women and how much unmet need still exists.

Dr. Willard Cates, President of Family Health International, wrote in the new issue of Contraception that family planning is the essential link to achieving all eight Millennium Development Goals. Family planning will help end poverty and hunger; prolongs education; empowers women; saves infants lives; reduces the risks of abortion and childbearing and thus reduces maternal mortality; prevents HIV transmission by women to their babies; and promotes global partnerships. A "new" fact for me was learning that family planning is "five times cheaper than conventional green technologies for reducing CO2 climate change."

Susan Cohen wrote an excellent article, "Family Planning and Safe Motherhood: Dollars and Sense" for the Guttmacher Policy Review. that concludes that "doubling the modest, current global investment in family planning and maternal and newborn care -- to just over $24 billion combined annually - would reduce maternal mortality by at least 70%, half the number of newborn deaths and do so at a lower total cost than investing in maternal and newborn care alone." Her analysis also concludes, "the most effective way to reduce the incidence of abortion overall, including unsafe abortion, is to increase use of modern contraception - making it easier for women to avoid unintended pregnancy in the first place."

The moral imperative was clear to me that first summer I went to work after college. It's the same today. Family planning saves lives.

Get involved. Join our Faithful Voices Network to learn more or sign up to host a Rachel Sabbath in your congregation next year.

As stunning as the facts presented in a Friday New York Times Op-Ed column were, in some ways it's the headline that shows just how much things have changed.

"Gay? Whatever, Dude" was the headline on the center of the op-ed page. It's hard to imagine that headline even a few years ago in a major national newspaper.

Charles M. Blow reported that more than half of Americans now think that "gay and lesbian relations" are morally acceptable, and for the first time, more men than women do. Male positive attitudes have increased by 48% since 2006.

He pointed out that more people answer affirmatively to questions about gays and lesbians than they do to questions about 'homosexuals." He wrote, "the inclusion of the root word sex still raises an aversive response" by some. It's noteworthy, then, that the headline writers didn't use, "Homosexual? Whatever" in their national newspaper. There is still the "ick" factor that gets in the way of people being okay with sexual diversity.

But all of this points to a maturing of sexual attitudes, and gives me hope that one day soon there will be an end to employment discrimination, an end to marriage discrimination, an end to military discrimination, and an end to social discrimination because of people's sexual orientation.

May it be so.

HAPPY MEMORIAL DAY!

What a great morning this was. About 25 of us from the Unitarian Church in Westport marched in the local Memorial Day parade. We were indeed "gay and straight together" like in the Holly Near song. We ranged from age 3 to mid 80's. The most wonderful part about it is that we were cheered from one end of the parade route to the other. I was prepared to have to do some "sidewalk counseling" if people were rude, but instead, we were welcomed and appreciated. It was a lovely way to celebrate Memorial Day. And felt hopeful for the day when in every town, a Rainbow Task Force would be welcomed and included.

The National Association of Evangelicals just announced the publication of a new booklet, "Theology of Sex," as part of a new effort for dialog about the ways to reduce abortions in the U.S.

I'm delighted that they are taking seriously our call in our January report, Sexuality and Religion 2020, for denominations and religious institutions to talk about human sexuality in the context of their own faith traditions.

And this report does that. We couldn't agree more with the NAE's understanding that the Bible teaches us that sex is good, that "God established multiple purposes for sex" and that spouses must be committed to one another's sexual satisfaction. And I was surprised but gladdened to read about the NAE's support of family planning.

The report is indeed "good news" -- if you are an evangelical, heterosexual, married, monogamous adult.

Not so much if you are one of the 75 million single American adults, who are advised to express their sexuality only "in a chaste way." The report advises that homosexual behavior is sinful, that marriage is designed by God only for one man and one woman, and that cohabitation is indeed still to be considered "living in sin." I can't help but wonder how such pronouncements are going to help single evangelical adults -- both straight and gay -- live responsible and ethical sexual lives.

The authors of the NAE document emphasize an act-based sexual ethic, which privileges sexual intercourse in marriage as God's single intent for us all. Not only do I view "sex" as so much more than one act, I also believe that sexual diversity is part of God's blessing. At the Religious Institute, we call for a relational sexual ethic that accepts no double standards by sex, sexual orientation, gender identity, or marital status. You may want to read the theology section of our 2020 report at www.religiousinstitute.org/resources/study-guides.

Although the authors and I disagree in many ways about sexual theology and the myriad sexual messages in the Bible, I am pleased to see them breaking their silence about this central issue in people's lives. And although we have a different understanding of what their conclusion means, at the Religious Institute, we too "advocate a sexuality that is joyful, nonexploitive, respectful, and aligned with God's creative intent."

We look forward to the dialog.

Dear Mr. Souder (and Mr. Pekar if you are listening):

I know both of you say that your faith is important to you, so maybe you'll listen to some advice from this sexologist minister.

I know you've fought against comprehensive sexuality education and promoted abstinence only education -- even in a video with your mistress.

But let me share with you some of the things we teach in sexuality education that we think every public figure -- indeed every person -- needs to know.

You can have a sexual feeling without acting on it.

A sexually healthy adult understands the difference between a sexual relationship that can be life enhancing and one that might be harmful to oneself and others. In other words, sex is never worth losing your job or your family over. NEVER.

A sexually healthy adult lives according to their values. It is one thing for a person in an open relationship who works for the right of each person to make their own decisions about their sexuality to have outside experiences-another for people like you to act in a way that is directly oppositional to the public policies you espouse. Frankly, I find it hard to understand how you can live with yourselves as you pursued this affair (or in Mr. Pekar's case, "rented" a boy). Surely someone has taught you about the importance of living with integrity.

I wish I believed that your situation would help other conservative policy makers back off from trying to legislate other people's sex lives. Remember that line, people in glass houses...But since I end up writing a similar column to this oh every six months or so, I'm not too optimistic.

What happens next is up to your families and your colleagues and your own soul. May you find a way to repair your families and your life...and may you indeed serve as an example to your colleagues.

In Faith,

Rev. Debra W. Haffner

My organization, the Religious Institute, wants to change the way America understands sexuality and religion.

The popular view in our culture is that people of faith oppose sexuality education, reproductive justice, and the full inclusion and equality of LGBT people.

You know better.

And most of my readers are probably fed up with hearing conservatives claim to speak for all people of faith on these issues, when you know they don't speak for people like us.

You may have been appalled when Congress placed new restrictions on abortion access and reinstated abstinence-only sex education -- all because of the lobbying efforts of certain church leaders. You might have been horrified, and angry, when conservative religious organizations financed the campaigns that overturned marriage equality in California and Maine. Regardless of your faith tradition, you are surely frustrated that so many faith communities remain silent on sexual health and justice, while ignoring the sexual health needs of their congregants.

We created the Religious Institute in 2001 to raise a faithful voice for reproductive justice, comprehensive sexuality education, and the full inclusion of women and LGBT persons in faith communities and society. Since then, we have built a national network of more than 5,000 clergy and religious professionals, representing more than 50 different faith traditions.

Now, we are taking our message from the pulpit to the pews. And we hope you will join us.

I invite you to take 10 seconds, right now, to take this pledge: "As a person of faith, I support sexual health, education, and justice in faith communities and society."

When you do, you will become part of the Faithful Voices Network -- a new, multifaith movement of individuals like you who share a progressive vision of sexuality and faith, and a religious commitment to truth and justice. The Faithful Voices Network will encourage religious leaders everywhere to engage the issues of sexual health and healing that affect every individual and every family. It will give you the tools and resources to break the silence around sexuality in your congregation, and become an advocate for sexual justice in your community.

Every voice counts. We are counting on yours.

In Faith,

Rev. Debra W. Haffner
Executive Director
Religious Institute

p.s. -- Please take 10 seconds to pledge your support for sexual health, education and justice in our congregations and communities. Together, we can write a new future for sexuality and religion -- a future of healing, equality, and integrity. And please invite your friends after you take the pledge. There are links on the thank you page so you can post to your Facebook and Twitter accounts. THANK YOU!

Today is Mother's Day and my husband and son prepared a lovely brunch for me, my sister, and my mother. There were flowers, cards, and more carbs than I've eaten in a month. I felt very well taken care of, if not a bit nostalgic for the days of homemade painted macaroni necklaces.

Today is also the 50th anniversary of the birth control pill. Or more technically, the 50th anniversary of the day the birth control pill was approved by the FDA.

I first learned about "the pill" from my mother. She was of that generation that used the first high estrogen pills, and I remember asking her what the funny circle with the white and blue pills that were on the kitchen counter were. I think I was about six. She told me that she and my father only wanted two children and the pills meant she could have that. I still can picture that discussion: it taught me that parenthood was a choice and that there were ways to avoid pregnancy.

Fast forward 13 years, and I went to the campus health center to get birth control pills. I hadn't yet had intercourse; indeed I felt like I was one of the last standing virgins on campus. But, I wanted to be prepared when I did fall in love and I knew that the pill was my best option for not becoming pregnant.

I used the pill at various times over the next twenty years -- as a new couple in love, after my daughter was born, during the period I was trying to decide if our family size was complete. I used the pill both as "family planning" for some years, but also as a way to separate sexual pleasure and intimacy from procreation.

It's in that last that "the pill" truly revolutionized women's lives. More so than any birth control method before it, oral contraceptives allowed us to experience sexual pleasure without risking our lives and futures. It allowed us to choose when we would become mothers safely, but also to choose pleasure and intimacy without risking unintended pregnancies. (I came of age sexually at what surely is one of the few times in world history when sex meant few consequences for women -- we had the pill, abortion was legal, and the two prevalent STDs were easily treated; that's not true for young women today or women in many parts of the world.)

I think we're still dealing as a culture and surely as religious institutions with what it means that procreation and pleasure are easily separated. But, I know today, that I am grateful beyond words for my two children -- and the era of modern contraception that made them planned and oh so wanted.

If you've read my books for parents on raising sexually healthy children and teens, you know that I recommend using every day moments to provide your children with a little bit of information about sexuality and a little bit about your values.

The news regularly provides opportunities to talk with your children about sexuality issues. From elementary school and up, your child is hearing information about sexuality from news sources, even if you don't think they are paying attention. And if you don't initiate talks about these topical areas, they may be left to figure it out on their own. These news stories can also provide a "hook" for you to bring up topics with your children.

I'm guessing that from age 10 and up, your child will hear about Lawrence Taylor's arrest for sex with a minor yesterday. This story could give you an opportunity to talk about the age of consent in your state, about healthy sexual relationships, about your values about fidelity in marriage.

Or then there's the story of the co-founder of the Family Research Council paying a male escort to travel with him in Europe through a gay online escort service. That would give you a chance to talk about sexual orientation or paying for sex or hypocrisy or again healthy sexual relationships.

Or maybe you're in the car and there's a story about the 50th anniversary of "the pill" this week. That gives you a chance to talk about contraception, how sexual attitudes have changed during your lifetime, or healthy sexual relationships.

The content needs to be age appropriate -- your discussion with your 8-year-old is different than with your 16-year-old, but the process I recommend is the same. Here are the three steps for a teachable moment discussion:

1) Ask your children what they've heard. Find out what they know.

2) Clarify their information, clear up misinformation.

3) Give your child YOUR family values. Say, "In our family, we believe...."

And keep it short. As my son used to remind me while pointedly looking at his watch, "Mom, it's a teachable moment, not a teachable hour."

***
P.S. - If you are a parent and don't have my parenting books, click on the link to the right, and you can buy a copy at amazon.com and have a small donation returned to the Religious Institute.

I just made a decision that I'm hoping you'll share.

I was asked to sign up for a listserv for a professional network of people working on international sexual and reproductive health. The form required me to give my gender, and the drop down box gave two options, M and F. I skipped the question, pushed submit, and got an automatic message that I had to answer that question.

I contacted the organization, who basically replied that it couldn't do anything. I told them I couldn't sign up. My gender has no relevance to my participation on this listserv, and I have no need to share it.

To stand with my friends and colleagues of transgender experience, I've decided I'm no longer going to answer gender or sex questions that don't provide another option to M & F. And when they are required, I'm going to write and tell the organization why I can't participate.

If enough of us do it, forms will change -- and people will be educated that the gender binary doesn't apply to all of us.

Will you join me?

Wondering how yesterday's decision by the ELCA to allow partnered gay clergy came about?

Wondering about the history of the Roman Catholic Church's policies on child sexual abuse -- or how other denominations respond?

Needing to find a church or synagogue that supports sexual justice issues?

Look no further. I'm delighted to let you know about the first online searchable denomination database on sexuality issues.


The Religious Institute database includes statements and studies from 28 religious denominations on 22 issues, including adolescent sexuality, assisted reproductive technologies, contraception, homosexuality and sexual orientation, marriage and marriage equality, transgender and gender identity, sexuality education, and sexual abuse and violence. Each entry consists of the full text or excerpt of the denomination’s position, as well as a link to the original source.

The database was created as a research tool for journalists, scholars and educators. It will also assist clergy, seminarians, theologians, congregational committees, and others engaged in writing, teaching, policymaking or discernment. Individuals seeking a religious home may also use the database to understand how different traditions address sexuality concerns.

The database includes documents from a range of Christian, Jewish and Unitarian Universalist traditions, reflecting both conservative and progressive perspectives. Because the collected resources date back to the 1970s, researchers can examine the historical evolution of a denomination’s positions on contemporary issues, such as sexual orientation and assisted reproduction.

You can search the database here: http://www.religiousinstitute.org/denominational-statements

The full press release is posted at http://www.religiousinstitute.org

We hope you'll help us spread the word on your blogs, web sites, newsletter, twitter, and FB pages.

Let me know what you think!

This article appears in today's Newsweek: http://www.newsweek.com/id/236506 It's major points are that young people don't care enough about abortion rights and that the pro-choice movement needs to be begin to address the "moral complexity" of abortion.

Here's the letter I just sent them:

To the editor:

Your article on supportive attitudes about abortion rights among young people only tells part of the story. Yes, it's difficult for some people born a decade after Roe to conceive abortion being illegal, but my experience with young women activists is not represented in your article. In fact, your writer chose not to interview the many organizations headed by young women working on abortion rights.

But more concerning to me as a minister who runs an organization of more than 5000 religious leaders committed to sexual justice, are the assertions that the pro-choice movement has ignored the moral complexities of abortion. Religious leaders have been in the forefront of the movement for abortion rights for more than fifty years. The Clergy Consultation Service in the 1960's and 1970's were among the first to advocate for repeal of abortion laws. More than thirty years ago, many religious denominations passed courageous resolutions in support of women's moral agency and their right to a safe and legal abortion. Our "Open Letter to Religious Leaders On Abortion As a Moral Decision" has been endorsed by more than 1100 ordained clergy, and calls for a world where abortion is safe, legal, accessible, and rare. Rather than ignore the moral complexities, we call on leaders of all faiths to prepare themselves to support women compassionately as they also affirm women as moral agents who have the capacity, right, and responsibility to make their own decisions about unintended pregnancies.

Rev. Debra W. Haffner

I spent Monday with a group of United Methodist officials who are working to create a new policy for training for clergy and seminarians on sexual boundaries and harassment prevention. The Religious Institute is helping them place this work in the context of working with clergy on becoming sexually healthy religious professionals.

A sexually healthy religious professional of course understands appropriate sexual boundaries and how to deal with their attractions. But, they are also knowledgeable about human sexuality, familiar with their sacred texts on sexuality, have engaged in reflection on their own sexuality and how to integrate sexuality and spirituality, trained in pastoral counseling on these issues, skilled in preaching, and able to serve as a role model, discussing sexual issues with comfort, ease, and respect.

The good news is that a number of denominations are now understanding that assuring the sexual health of their religious professionals is central to ministerial formation. The UUA, as I've written here before, will now require all of their candidates to demonstrate competency in sexual health, education, and justice. We're working with at least five other denominations to help them more forward on these issues.

Maybe it's time for the Vatican to call on us for advice too.

Candies released its new PSA with Bristol Palin.



There are a lot of things that are troubling about it. It implies that only families of means (or even perhaps with famous parents) can adequately support their pregnant teen daughters. That is of course patently false. And teen parenthood is hard, no matter your family's resources.

It also doesn't begin to mention that teenage pregnancy can be PREVENTED through the use of contraception.

But, I like the overall message that teenage parenthood is tough, and I find "pause before you play" compelling. To me, it says think about sex before you have it, always a good message for teenagers AND adults. No matter what your age, thinking BEFORE sex is always a good idea (although as a sexologist, I'd tell you that thinking DURING is rarely.)

I think this ad would be a great trigger for discussion with teens in your home or in a classroom. One could point out the classist assumptions -- and still point out that preparing for sex, making sure it's right for you and the circumstances, and then choosing to abstain from intercourse or get contraception and condoms before anything physical happens.

Adults set up a fake prom in Mississippi rather than have a lesbian teen couple attend the actual prom.

A district attorney in Wisconsin threatens to charge sex educators with sex abuse if they teach condom use to teens younger than 16 in accordance with state education law.

A Vatican official on Easter Sunday suggests that the faithful avoid the "petty gossip" about sexual abuse of children and youth by priests.

These recent events reported in the news in the past few days appal me. I'm guessing they do you, too.

And what do they teach our young people? That some adults so devalue gay and lesbian youth that they shouldn't be included in important events. That some adults would rather deny young people life saving information than acknowledge that some teens engage in sexual relationships. That some adults turn their back on young people who are being sexually abused by adults.

What do I want teens (and the adults who care for them) to know? That forming a sexual identity is a developmental task of adolescents. That adults need to support the teen virgins and the teens who engage in sexual behaviors. That truth telling should be the hallmark of all of our programs. That adults will do everything they can to protect youth from abusive adults, regardless of profession. That young people have the right to ask questions and a right to have answers. That they deserve our respect and our support as they become adults.

The good news for today is that the teen birth rate went down last year, after increasing for the past two. More teens are protecting themselves, either by abstaining from PVI (penile-vaginal intercourse) or by using contraception. While the adults are fighting, they're seeking out what they need to be safe. Shouldn't we be on THEIR side?

Nine years ago, Rev. Larry Greenfield and I created the idea for the Religious Institute (then the Religious Institute on Sexual Morality, Justice and Healing) in the refectory of the Union Theological Seminary in NYC.

We saw the need for an organization to promote the goals and vision of the Religious Declaration on Sexual Morality, Justice, and Healing, then a year old and endorsed by some 800 religious leaders.

Today, the Religious Institute is a thriving not-for-profit organization and recognized as the leading organization working at the intersection of sexuality education, reproductive health, and sexual justice.

During the past 9 years, we've grown to five full time staff people with professional offices in Westport, CT. Our network has grown to more than 5000 religious leaders from more than fifty traditions who work in every state and 12 countries. We've published 9 major guidebooks for congregations and seminaries, 7 theological frameworks, a website visited by tens of thousands of people, and have offered more than 600 speeches, training workshops, and sermons. We work closely with the leadership of 15 major religious denominations.

Want to help us celebrate? This year, we are moving our ministry from the pulpit to the pews. If you support sexual health, sexuality education, and full inclusion of LGBT people in faith communities and society, we hope you'll join us. Take the pledge today at http://www.religiousinstitute.org/faithfulvoices

Thank you for your support and friendship!

Bill Donohue of The Catholic Life League is the worst kind of bully.

Many years ago, he and I appeared on a national television program together. He was intimidating, condescending, and offensive. He's one of the few people I won't appear in the media with because of how he has treated me.

Yesterday, he published a full page ad in the New York Times titled "Going for the Vatican Jugular."

It said in part, "The Times continues to editorialize about the 'pedophilia crisis' when all along it's been a homosexual crisis." He writes that "homosexuality does not cause predatory behavior, and most gay priests are not molesters, [but] most of the molesters have been gay." He goes on to say that the NYT is covering this story because of "abortion, gay marriage, and women's ordination."

I'm guessing you just felt as outraged as I did reading those words. No, Mr. Donahue, it's a crisis because Roman Catholic priests around the world sexually abused children and youth -- and then the hierarchy covered it up, moved those priests to different parishes where they would abuse again, and failed to take action. The sexual orientation of those priests is irrelevant and unknown to anyone but themselves. What is known is that they abused their power, violated their moral commitments, and scarred their victims for life. What is known is that Church officials turned their back on these young people rather than act to end the violence against them. What is known from this ad, Mr. Donohue, is that you are using this crisis to support your own homophobia and anti-gay stances.

What is also clear is that you don't extend your concern to the survivors. Mr. Donohue's ad yesterday NEVER ONCE mentioned the victims of the priests who abused them, except for a snarky line about an organization of survivors. It is inconceivable to me that The Catholic League should cast blame on the NYT for covering this story rather than showing ANY compassion or concern for the thousands of people who priests have violated. Shame on you, Mr. Donohue.

But don't bullies always blame the victim?

The latest revelations about sexual abuse against children by Roman Catholic priests are nothing short of morally revolting. The story of Father Lawrence Murphy, who abused more than 200 deaf boys in Milwaukee over decades, despite the boys' speaking out and calling for help, should outrage us all. The new revelations from Germany and other European countries add to the understanding that pedophile priests are, in the words of my colleague, Dan Maguire, "a global Catholic Church pandemic."

"It went up to the Pope", a formerly Roman Catholic friend said to me yesterday, with tears in her eyes. "How is it possible that people knew and didn't stop it?"

Unfortunately, the answer is that people all along the Catholic hierarchy did know, and chose to move the priests rather than directly address the crimes that were being committed against children. Yes, crimes.

And in a secular world, those authorities would be held criminally accountable for their behavior. It is not enough for the Pope to apologize, as he did to victims last week. It is unconscionable when Catholic spokespersons try to explain away the lack of action as being part of another time, when people didn't talk as much about child abuse.

It is a testament to the power of Catholicism in people's lives that these past 30 years of revelations haven't driven its followers from the church. It is hard to imagine that if countless liberal church clergy were found to have been abusers that our churches wouldn't be empty. I can't even imagine what would happen to the field of sexology if even one of our certified professionals had this history.

The fact that the Catholic Church, in the midst of this scandal, continues to speak out on other people's sexual decisions is astonishing. It's time for them to stop pontificating against abortion and homosexuality and birth control and the role of women. In light of these recent revelations, it's time to take the log out of their eyes and start with the sexual immorality in their own house.

It's up to the Pope. Pope Benedict XVI, the world is watching and waiting.

Rev. Haffner is on the road this week. This guest blog is by Kate Ott, who directs the Religious Institute's Seminary Project and provides sexuality education training to teens, parents, and clergy.

Marriage is and should be defined by many characteristics. Unfortunately, in legal and cultural debates about marriage between two men or two women, we have lost a significant opportunity as people of faith to think creatively about what makes for a just, loving marriage. Yesterday, my colleague, Tim Palmer wrote about marriage equality as a right of any two people to “join” marriage. We can also consider marriage equality as "re-defining" marriage as equal partnership!

I truly believe marriage equality is terrifying to some people because it by definition gets rid of the necessity for gender/sex based categories in marriage. Many of us still define marriage based on things that women should do and things that men should do (gender roles). And there are some who still believe gender roles are grounded in our biology. In society and our faith communities, we continue to give gender roles unequal value. Much of Christian theology about marriage is founded on these ideas.

Marriage equality doesn't mean we will erase differences based on gender (or anything else) in our relationships. As I say to my children on a regular basis, “Equality doesn’t mean sameness.” Equality means our differences are valued “equally.” Equality in our marriages would allow us to celebrate the diversity of blessings two people bring to each other -- blessings that are free of falsely imposed gender stereotypes that harm both men and women. Some people are good at fixing leaky faucets, others are great cooks, some like doing the bills, others are good at childrearing -- finding the balance is evidence of true partnership.

Ted Olson, who is a life-long conservative Republican and now defending marriage equality in the courts, wrote in Newsweek, “Marriage is one of the basic building blocks of our neighborhoods and our nation. At its best, it is a stable bond between two individuals who work to create a loving household and a social and economic partnership. We encourage couples to marry because the commitments they make to one another provide benefits not only to themselves but also to their families and communities. Marriage requires thinking beyond one's own needs. It transforms two individuals into a union based on shared aspirations, and in doing so establishes a formal investment in the well-being of society.”

I fully concur. I hope we have not missed the moment as a nation and as communities of faith to talk about what marriage could be. Given the woeful success of heterosexual marriages, our faith communities might consider the importance of requiring more in-depth pre-marital counseling, providing on-going marriage enrichment opportunities, and promoting equality in our relationships.

Marriage equality won’t happen for any two people without hard work, honesty, dedication, and communication. Successful, happy, and fulfilled marriages have more to do with those qualities than genitalia or gender roles ever will!

What do you think makes a marriage “a marriage”?

Rev. Haffner is on the road this week. This guest blog is by Tim Palmer, who leads the Religious Institute's LGBT inclusion initiatives.

Equality California has asked me (and tens of thousands of others) to help “craft marriage messaging that works.” They sent along a report from Freedom to Marry summarizing findings from 75 research studies on marriage for same-sex couples, as well as a summary of what EQCA has learned from thousands of face-to-face conversations with Californians who voted for Proposition 8 in 2008.

I am skeptical about this “messaging” business. If marriage equality were simply a matter of finding the right slogans, we would have it by now. It’s not so much the words we use in one campaign or even in one conversation – it’s the fact that we wage campaigns and have conversations, over and over again, that attitudes begin to shift.

Fortunately, that is what Freedom to Marry prescribes. Its report is not a set of talking points, but a strategic assessment that recognizes that resistance to marriage rights for same-sex couples “takes time and engagement to resolve." If nothing else, the setbacks suffered in California and Maine have taught us how to frame a stronger argument. For instance:

• Emphasize that same-sex couples want to join marriage – not change it, redefine it, or even rename it. The goal is not to establish “gay marriage,” but to remove the restrictions that prohibit gay people from marrying.
• Speak to the heart first, then the head. Invoking simple fairness and the golden rule are proving to be more effective than sterile appeals for rights.
• Show the commitment of gay couples who are already doing the work of marriage in everyday life.

This last point calls to mind the recent story of the lesbian couple in Colorado whose children were turned out of their Catholic primary school. The ensuing controversy compelled two women who would have preferred their privacy to make a public statement.

“We are normal people,” they write. “We have two children, a nice house, and a dog. We both hold professional jobs in the community. You would likely pass us on the street and not take much notice.” The women – both lifelong Catholics, whose children have been baptized in the faith – go on to describe their commitment to the church and their hopes for their children to receive a Catholic education.

These are parents, not activists. They are not arguing that the church must change its doctrine of marriage. They are appealing, rather, for “positive changes in the hearts and minds of others.”

“It is easy to have ideas and opinions when they are abstract,” they write. “When you meet the real people you are judging, you sometimes see things differently. We will continue to raise our children with strong Catholic values and hold faith that through our actions, we are doing our part to create a more loving, inclusive world.”

Sounds like a winning message to me.

Read that title in your most ominous, scary movie tone.

Because, unbelievably, this is the program that just won't die. I think we all believed we had driven a stake through it. The Congressional evaluation found that abstinence-only sexuality education didn't help young people delay. Other studies found that it actually increased the numbers of young people having oral and anal sex, and discouraged them from using contraception when they did have sexual intercourse. President Obama deleted it from his budget. Even half the states had rejected the money.

And yet, there it is again...$250 million dollars in the health care reconciliation bill.

How did that happen? Well, I'm guessing it's about lobbying, connections, the organized right, and the huge abstinence-only-until-marriage industry that has grown up since 1997.

What it's not about is our young people. The evidence is clear -- programs that teach young people about sexuality, stress abstinence and sexual limit setting, and provide information on STD and pregnancy prevention help young people delay sexual activity and protect themselves when they do become sexually involved. Only one abstinence-only program has been shown to help young people delay -- it was at the sixth- and seventh-grade level, and it was not a fear- based program. It didn't tell them not to have sex until they were married -- but not to have sex now. Surely we all support that.

But this new program will likely continue the same lies and the same withholding of information that we've seen since the late 1990s. It's wrong.

Speak up. Join our new Faithful Voices Network at www.religiousinstitute.org and add your voice as a person of faith for sexuality education.

The Kinsey Institute released a fascinating study last week that showed that adults don't agree on what "sex" is.

95% of people said that penile-vaginal sex was "sex," but 11% said it wasn't sex if the man didn't have an orgasm, and 18% of men over 65 said it wasn't sex if a condom was used. (They don't appear to have asked whether it was sex if a womn didn't have an orgasm during intercourse.) Only 80% of respondents said that anal intercourse was sex, and only 70% said that oral sex was.

It's no wonder then that the teens I work with don't seem to know what "sex" is, either. They routinely tell me that oral sex isn't sex.

And I routinely tell them that I think it is. And that so is any kind of physically intimate behavior with a partner. In fact, I think it's sex if you've moved beyond any behavior you would comfortably do with someone else in a public setting.

The cultural belief that it's only sex if Part A goes into Part B is harmful on so many levels. It pressures teenagers to take risks that they may not be ready for. It leads some teens to engage in unprotected anal sex rather than lose their virginity. It devalues most sex between gay men and lesbians. It's why men with prostate problems or other medical conditions that lead to untreatable erectile dysfunction give up all sexual contact with their wives, because they can't do the "real thing." It makes sexual play goal-oriented, with one behavior privileged over others, rather than honoring all the ways partners can give and receive pleasure. It makes people who prefer other sexual activities feel they have to have intercourse anyway.

I could go on and on.

What would change if we adults think, practice and teach young people that sex is physical intimacy with a partner, designed to give and receive pleasure, and that it is the relationship that is important, not the specific acts?

Tell me what you think.