Excerpted from a forthcoming book on my monastic journey. Leaving All My Playhouses I decided not to tell anyone that I'd seen Jesus, afraid of what talking would do. Cynical voices were already murmuring in the background of my mind, scornfully deriding my "vision" as "grandiose nonsense," "self-centered delusion," and "just imagination." If I opened my mouth, they might take over. But that

"Remember, people are essentially good beings looking for safety to be who they are," a friend sent in her 2006 Christmas message.An important question for spiritual communities, and spiritual seekers, is this: where is the balance between group needs and individual inspiration? Can a healthy monastic community grow individual gifts - even though some will go against the plans of superiors,

One of the books I took into the monastery was Radical Spirit. My first blog - now folded into this one - was inspired by a quote in that book, in an essay by Georg Buehler. He bemoaned the lack of monasteries for open-minded spiritual seekers of no particular tradition.I fit the no particular tradition bill - despite a nascent and eccentric Christianity. I did not doubt my call to community - it

Most of these quotes are taken from the translation of Syncletica's Life by Elizabeth Bryson Bongie. An icon of Syncletica is here.There is a familiar refrain about the difficulty of the spiritual road, especially at the beginning. Syncletica said it in a way that appeals to me as a life-long camper: "For those who are making their way toward God there is at first great struggle and effort, but

In fourth and fifth century Egypt, the desert was peppered with folks renouncing regular life in order to empty out and find God. Although the best-known hermits were men, there may have actually been more women practitioners. (see Laura Swan's The Forgotten Desert Mothers)My favorite desert mother was Syncletica. The written record of her life was, of course, obscured - although a few of her

I want to better distinguish between the voice(s) of my personality self (or ego or whatever you call it) and those from my core Self (that I call my soul). Then I'll be able to note, observe and unhook personality desires when they arise, rather than letting them rule me. By living more out of my soul - which is a lovely, dancing-joy light - I can use my personality traits to do my work in the

(I'm feeling a little rant-ish as I write this post. I guess that means I have lots more work to do healing the hurts from my monastic sojourn. Or maybe July humidity is getting me down.) When I first went to retreats at the monastery, I was an eccentric pantheist and universalist. I'd explored many religions and was a member of a UU congregation. I heard the sisters speak glowingly of their

The monastery I was in demanded novices' complete, instantaneous and wordless obedience to the old sisters. Our existing self-knowledge and the promptings of our individual spirits were dismissed as ego. It really sent the formation mistress into a rage if you tried to explain yourself when she berated you for one thing or another. Eyes steely, she'd snap, "When I speak to you, you just say ‘

In my recent posts on addiction to overwork, I've expressed the POV of a childless professional. American professionals generally have two choices: work 60-80 hour weeks or don't stay in the profession. Although college professors make much, much less than similarly overworked professionals like lawyers, doctors or corporate managers, they are paid well enough.Low and minimum wage earners who

CNN.com has a nice little article on the ravages of workaholism. All my years in college and graduate school, that was me. I could insist that I liked my work, even loved it, but that didn't make my 24/7 work attitude healthy.I was at my most workaholic as a college professor. By then, I no longer enjoyed excessive work. I'd begun to realize there was more to life, but didn't know how to break

Much like AA's "serenity" or Buddhist "vulnerable heart," Christian "humility" is a gentle, open-heartedness that accepts oneself, and others, as we really are. This naturally leads to experiencing God as unconditional love, and an outpouring of love and compassion towards others. In monasteries like the one I was in, a lot of lip service was paid to humility. Yet my experience was that

I loved living by the monastery's schedule, although it meant a constant struggle to get enough sleep (and to get up) as I am an insomniac night person. When things were going badly and my resistance was high, I'd grumble that I ought to leave just to get some sleep. But most of the time I found the schedule energizing.Not only did it ensure time for daily meditation and prayer, it was vital to

There is an old retreat joke that often comes up when people struggle with contemplative issues. "We should be called human doings not human beings," someone says. Monastics are as susceptible as anyone else to social pressures, as well as the inner drive toward distracting activity. So like any other people, monastics can find one excuse after another to stay occupied. Good works make

A few weeks ago, I listened to a speech by Abbot Primate Notker Wolf "the highest representative of Benedictine men and women worldwide." He had been asked to speak on "ecumenism in the 21st century." Being as I am almost entirely deaf to the nuances of Catholic culture, I may have misunderstood him, but what I thought I heard was very interesting. Most of his speech argued that calls for

In his Rule of monastic life, Benedict required the Prioress to be a dictator, but with radical balances. She was to be a living example of humility. Above any worldly concern, she was to place helping all the community members grow in love. She was to respond to each member as an individual, understanding that the response that helped one might damage another. She was to consider every member's

I mentioned in a previous post that last May I went to four dharma talks by the Dalai Lama. Before saying that all faiths had useful things to offer the world (though only understanding of emptiness and no-self led to liberation form suffering), he said it was dangerous to switch from your birth tradition. The big danger was confusion. Since every religion's concepts grew out of cultural

When I first entered the monastery, my biggest struggle was with the liturgy: a thrice daily chanting of the psalms - with scripture readings from the Catholic lectionary. Although the monastery's early-morning start was a physical challenge for an insomniac night person, I found that a day punctuated by three chant liturgies and two meditations was incredibly invigorating. And I loved the

You may not be able to guess from reading my posts, but I belong to a Unitarian Universalist congregation. I joined a Unitarian congregation because I like inclusive, interfaith worship, but I was born a Universalist. (a brief summary of these beliefs in Christianity history) I simply know there can be no such thing as "hell." I can see every living being shining with radiant, inner light.

I was sure I must have been the only UU to have entered a Benedictine monastery while remaining a UU, but I recently learned at least one other UU woman has done the same. I had an oddly mixed reaction to this news. My first response was "Waaaa! I wanted to be the only one." But almost immediately that was replaced by excitement. If there are others, my call to Christian monastic community was

About a week ago, I attended four dharma talks by the Dalai Lama. Immediately afterwards I went to a weekend retreat with a well-known Benedictine teacher.Before I get into the topic of this post, let me say that both were illuminating. The combination applied directly to my personal journey and was very healing. No one will be surprised if I say that the Dalai Lama blew me away - in the very

I met a lot of Benedictines, from my community and others. Outside the cloister, guests tended to receive a show of preternatural serenity from the monastics. Inside the cloister, this behavior evaporated as if everyone took their monastics habit off when away from public scrutiny.It slowly dawned that Benedictine life had not brought these folks anywhere in particular. They weren't good or bad,

It's been two and a half years since I was closed out of the monastery I loved.I entered because a thick cord of living light tied my heart to the place. This cord sang through my being with dancing joy. I could only follow where it led. Besides, this call was an answer to my prayer to be emptied so I could shine the divine light more clearly.Be careful what you pray for. You might get it.This

Another woman rejected by a Benedictine monastery suggested we need a "post-modern" community. That sounded good, or at least interesting, but what does it mean?Wikipedia first notes that the term "post-modern" defies easy definition, then says post-modern expression: Is a reaction against grand, absolute values, & establishments. Accepts that all communication contains myth, metaphor,

A class had a cocoon in an aquarium. They watched the butterfly emerge. The butterfly struggled and struggled. It hurt to watch. The butterfly rested in exhaustion after getting partway out. When the teacher left the room, some boys decided to help the butterfly. One carefully cut the edge of the cocoon. The butterfly flopped onto the floor of the aquarium. Only it looked wrong. The body was a

One monastic aspiration is transparency – behaving the same everywhere, alone or with others, not hiding "shameful" parts or preferentially displaying "good" parts. As one old desert Abba, Poemen, said, "Teach your mouth to say that which you have in your heart."A strict divide between lay people and "professional religious" grew up in Christianity after it became a state religion in the 300s.

In monastic community does there have to be a strict divide between "members" and "guests?" What would be the advantages and difficulties of more permeable membership – if people came and went, moved from core to peripheral or vice versa? What about partnerships? Could a community hold through the tensions of forming or dissolving pairs?

My soul thirsts for God, the living God... Why do you despair, my soul?... Deep calls to deep / In the roar of your waters.In biblical cosmology, the land is a crust floating on the waters of earth and the sky is a membrane holding back the waters of heaven. During lectio on psalm 42, I heard "the deeps of earth call to the deeps of heaven." Or the core substance and being of earth resonates in

Written in contrition after derailing a group conversation with an angry explosion. Pride has consumed me. A great lion tosses his royal mane. I open my mouth All that comes out is a roar. Shy people cower. Kind people shake their heads. Other proud lions intensify the brawl. Agreeing, we stand side by side. Our declaration blasts the rafters Scatters paper and dialogue to the floor.

Coming out of a time of grief, on a Sunday, after meditating at 6 a.m. then walking in October sunshine with a friend. How great is my longing for You: A desert thirst A consuming fire A single raindrop trailing down the window. I plead and nothing happens. I rant and nothing happens. I light candles, burn incense, sit still: Nothing happens. Discouraged, my heart contracts. Mundane specks of

Written after nine months of daily psalm chanting had shattered biblical literalism while the novitiate undermined monastic conviction. In pain I cry out to You. Who else would listen to me? Enemies surround me. Beasts prowl my street. They dig up my garden and run through my house as if they owned the whole place. Pride, that ravening lion, eats my heart and anger like wild dogs tears my

You search me and you know me... Oh, where can I go from your spirit?... If I take the wings of the dawn and settle at the sea's farthest end, even there your hand will guide me... If I say, "let the darkness hide me..." even the darkness is not dark to you; and the night is as clear as the day..." Something flows through all things, encompasses all things - every person and animal and rock and

All spiritual paths may lead up the same mountain, but most traditional practitioners insist it is essential to focus on one path. Obviously, I don't believe this or I wouldn't write this blog. Yet I've heard really good reasons to focus on a single traditionInterfaith folks are like generalists who see the big picture and commonalities across local differences. Those committed to a single

What would a monastery of practitioners without a shared faith look like?Interfaith explorers of Hinduism, Judaism, Christianity, Islam and Buddhism practice have found the same group of effective spiritual practices in all these. One purpose of practice is growing detachment from binding & blinding emotions (anger, pride, depression, bodily obsession, obsession with things, etc.). These

Raised agnostic, I'm still fairly agnostic on religious doctrine. I seem to operate on two "faith criteria": 1) Like Thomas the Doubter, I only believe a statement of divine-human relationship that matches my own experience and rings true in my heart. I entertain the possibility of explanations describing others' experiences that I haven't shared, but I don't "believe" them, 2) I believe

In 2003 I entered a Benedictine monastery. Little more than a year later they kicked me out again. When I entered I expected to stay longer. I expected to stay my whole life. But by the end of a year it was clear I wasn't going to make it. They said new members should fit into the existing community like "a hand in a glove." We could all see my hand and their glove did not even have the same